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You know that one person who you wish would just stop doing what they do or start doing what you think they should be doing? Maybe it’s your mother-in-law or your husband or your brother. Well, I have great news for you. Press play and find out what it is.
It was fascinating listening to the example about a difficult sister-in-law because it was like I was listening to my family talk about me. My husband died when he was 36 years old, leaving me with a newborn (1 week old), and a three, six, nine, and 11 year old (five boys). It was hard. I didn’t have any job skills or education that would enable me to support this growing family (or so I thought at the time), so I got busy. I got a job, went to school, and did my best to make sure my boys were not missing out on life experiences that I felt they should have. (This was years ago, by the way. My baby is now 23 years old.) At the time, I remember thinking, “I have five brothers. Wouldn’t it be nice if they would pitch in to ‘father’ my boys? Wouldn’t it be nice if my sisters or sisters-in-law would come hold the baby once in a while?” I don’t think I had ever been so tired. I remember bathing the baby, my back aching, wishing someone would just hold the baby for a minute so I could get some rest. My days were packed. I remember doing junior Jazz and soccer, hauling the baby around the fields on Saturdays, trying to make sure I got to watch at least a little of each boy’s game. It was crazy! I had a neighbor who had twins, and her extended family would come and watch and help at every ball game. No one was helping me.
I remember thinking, “My family is not like that. I’ll just do the best I can. I can’t control them. I can’t make them help me. I can only do the best I can.”
Then, the bomb dropped. Apparently, I had been missing too many family gatherings. I wasn’t even aware of many of these gatherings. Apparently, these gatherings were being announced in the family newsletter that I didn’t have time to read. I was getting up at the crack of dawn and not going to bed until I was exhausted at the end of the day. I didn’t always have time to read the newsletter or attend every little event (I have seven siblings and I’m at the end, so it’s a BIG family). Apparently, the family decided to quit inviting me because family wasn’t important to me. WOW! When I heard the “news” that I would no longer be invited, I remember thinking, “Why don’t you ask me why I don’t come? Why don’t you help me a little to free up my time so I can come? Why are you assigning values for me when you clearly have no idea what is going on in my life?” Again, those were fleeting thoughts because I know I don’t have any control over other people.
Today, I don’t feel like I have a family. They dumped me. I’m new to your podcasts. I decided to listen from the beginning. I am also listening to Brooke Castillo, but I’m still new to this model of thinking. The sad part for me, is that I accept I can only control my own thoughts, but I’ve still lost a family. Where did I go wrong?