525. When Your Spouse Doesn’t Support Your Goals

Sometimes we have a dream, a goal, a project, or an idea, and our spouse just doesn’t see the vision. Maybe they are even resentful that you’re spending time or resources on this thing. Maybe they don’t believe that you’re going to be successful. Maybe they even downright think that you’re being foolish and naive.

Well, I’m sorry if that’s the case. That’s a bummer. But guess what? It doesn’t have to get in the way of your success. In fact, it might be the thing that helps you be even more successful. This is episode 525: When Your Spouse Doesn’t Support Your Goals. Let’s do it.

Welcome to Better Than Happy, the podcast where we transform our lives by transforming ourselves. My name is Jody Moore. In the decade-plus I’ve been working with clients as a Master Certified Coach, I’ve helped tens of thousands of people to become empowered. And from empowered, the things that seemed hard become trivial, and the things that seemed impossible become available, and suddenly, a whole new world of desire and possibility open up to you. And what do you do with that?

Well, that’s the question… what will you do? Let’s find out.

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Hello, everybody. Welcome to the podcast. I’m so glad that you’re here today. I’m excited to dive into this topic with you. As of the day I’m recording this, we have just a handful of seats left at 12 Clients in 12 Weeks, which is my three-day in-person live event in San Diego happening in September. If you are a coach or you are trying to get some kind of clients or customers for your service-based industry. I have photographers coming. I have bookkeepers coming. I have people who don’t necessarily identify as coaches, but they are selling a service of some sort. If that’s you and you want to really up your game in terms of your business, then hurry and grab a seat before they’re gone at JodyMoore.com/success and I’ll see you there.

Today we’re going to talk about all different kinds of goals and dreams that you may have. Of course, this topic comes up for me the most when I’m coaching entrepreneurs because I coach a lot of entrepreneurs, but I’ll try to relate it to all different kinds of examples because you don’t have to be an entrepreneur for this to happen. And it’s a tough spot to be in, right? You have a dream. You are excited about something. You want to go all in on something. Maybe it’s an MLM. This came up recently with somebody who’s like, I’m really excited about this MLM. I want to sell this product and I want to build an MLM business. And my spouse and the rest of my family thinks I’m insane. They don’t like MLMs. They think it’s a waste of time. They think I shouldn’t do it.

I even had somebody say that they went to a conference, I think it was through their MLM, and then they came home so excited and motivated and focused and inspired that the spouse was like, “This seems like a cult. I’m a little worried here.” Okay? So, listen, we do live in an interesting world. We do have that situation where people get involved in things and become brainwashed and start making bad decisions. So I get it. I get why there’s, you know, a certain level of caution.

And I think we want to be realistic about how much we’re putting on the line when we go to pursue big goals. Usually, pursuing something, whether it be a health goal, maybe you decide you’re going to lose a bunch of weight. Maybe you decide you’re going to enter an Ironman triathlon and now you’re going to need to put a lot of time into training. Again, maybe you’re going to start a business or join an MLM or get your coaching business to the next level, whatever it is, okay? I get it. There are sacrifices and there’s risk.

Okay? Anything sort of noble or big, and big is relative to all of us. If I’m going to go pursue something that to me is big, it means I haven’t done it before, it’s going to push me outside my comfort zone, there’s going to be some trial and error along the way, most likely. There’s going to be some success and some failure. There’s going to be skills I have to learn. There’s going to be a lot of things that don’t work. Okay? That would be big. So, again, I gave a handful of examples. Maybe you have others you’re thinking of, but anytime we’re going to do something like that, it’s a risk. What I mean by that is we may or may not get to the goal we’re trying to achieve in what we would say is a reasonable timeline or at a reasonable cost or a reasonable time cost even.

And there can be “injuries” that happen along the way. So if you decide, notice I can’t even say if I decide I’m going to do an Ironman because I can’t even wrap my brain around that. But if you decided you were going to do an Ironman triathlon, then there’s the risk of you getting injured. Like injured along the way, preventing you from achieving the goal, but even injured at some point permanently in a way that now limits the rest of your life in some way as a result of an injury. That is a potential risk, right? Not to mention the sacrifice of time, the sacrifice of finances in certain ways. So this is true of anything big that we go to do.

So it makes sense that our spouse is like, “I don’t think so,” or just downright, “No, don’t be foolish. What are you doing?” Okay? Because what is it that helps us override that fear-based part of the brain that’s looking out for us as it’s supposed to, that says, “Don’t go do that big, hard, scary thing. That could be dangerous.” How do we override that? What makes us go do it anyway when it kind of doesn’t make sense?

Vision, passion, desire. This sort of internal calling of like, I just want to see if I could. I just want to see what’s possible. I just want to do it. I can’t even explain why. That is what overrides what feels like logical, practical, rational, this is not a good decision.

So if you have that vision, you’ll know because you’ll feel it. You’ll feel the fire within you. You’ve had this for things in your life before. But your spouse doesn’t have that spark most likely. Many times they don’t have the fire, and they’re not going to just catch it from us. Sometimes we’re not even like very good at showing it because it’s very vulnerable to just say out loud, “I’m just excited. I feel like I could do this and I want to be successful.” Now, maybe you have said that. It doesn’t matter. Your spouse doesn’t have it.

They only have that rational, logical part of the brain that says, “Wait, why are we going to risk all this? We don’t need to. Everything’s fine as it is. We should just keep doing status quo. That will keep us alive. It’s kept us alive this far. Why would we want to change anything up?” Okay?

Now, back to that spark and that fire within you, because the answer to that question, “Why would we want to change anything up when everything’s working okay as is?” Well, the truth is sometimes everything isn’t working okay as is. Sometimes we are trying to get out of a painful situation. A lot of entrepreneurs are launching businesses because they’re tired of not having freedom. They’re tired of not maximizing their skills. They’re tired of not doing something they love. They’re tired of not being able to make the kind of money they want to make to create the life they want to make. So a lot of times we are trying to get out of something that we would say is “negative” or not working.

But we’re still alive. So it’s working good enough. It’s working well enough, according to that primitive fear-based part of the brain. So the answer is just because I want to. Just because I want to see what’s possible, just because I want to try something different, just because I want to see what it would be like to go next level. Just because I want to. I feel pulled to it. I feel called to it. I have this interest in it. I have this, sometimes it’s like a burning desire and passion, sometimes it’s a little tiny knock on the door that won’t go away and it’s super annoying and you try to make it go away, but it won’t go away. It’s still there.

Again, my point is, your spouse doesn’t have that. Okay? What I want you to do is try on the idea that it’s totally okay. In fact, it makes perfect rational sense that they don’t see the vision. Okay?

Second part is, they don’t need to. We don’t need him or her to as long as you do. As long as your drive, your passion, your spark, your flame, your vision, your commitment even, it could just be commitment, is a little bit stronger than their lack of. Then you will be able to keep going.

So the way I like to think about it, if I’m doing something in my life and somebody, maybe it’s my spouse, maybe it’s just a close friend or another family member or whatever, they don’t support it, they don’t think it’s a good idea, and it’s bothering me, is I remind myself, “Oh, I don’t need them to see the power of it because I know the power of it.” They don’t need to get it. They don’t need to see the vision. I just need to see the vision.

And yeah, it’s really nice because sometimes we do have family members, spouses, friends, et cetera, that are supportive. And then it’s really great when other people can see the vision too, and they add to it and they fuel it. That’s very fun. But that doesn’t have to happen. I don’t need them to see it as long as I see it. I don’t need them to believe in me. I just need to believe in me. Okay?

That’s step one. Now, I get it. Believing in yourself is super hard to do. That’s why we want our spouse to do it for us. I don’t know about you, but I prefer that my spouse do all the things that are hard for me to do. I’m pretty lucky. I got a good spouse that does a lot of things that are hard for me to do. But if he’s not going to see the vision of what I’m doing, I just have to see it for me. Sometimes I just have to do that hard thing for myself. And I have to remember, of course, he can’t possibly see it. It’s not his dream.

Have you ever tried to tell someone about your dream? You’re like, last night I had the most fascinating dream. And you start describing it and they’re like, “Uh-huh, okay, yeah, interesting. Wow, that was a weird one.” But you’re like, “No, first of all, I can’t remember, I’m forgetting parts. And second of all, I’m just not doing it justice because it’s really hard to describe.”

They’re not experiencing the dream. Even if you tell the story pretty well and they kind of get a laugh out of it or whatever, or they go, “Whoa, that was scary,” they did not experience the dream the way you experienced the dream. They just can’t possibly. It’s not their dream. So this is true with your waking dreams as well as your sleeping dreams. It’s okay.

Now, here’s the other thing you have to remember. Your spouse is hearing this story through their own lens, the lens of their own fears or scarcity or trauma or just bad experiences, whatever you want to call it, their own limiting beliefs. And we all have them, so this is not in judgment of your spouse. It’s just your spouse has his or hers and you have yours and you’re overwriting some of yours to move forward, but he or she isn’t. So they’re hearing it through the lens of their own experience, their own beliefs, their own fears, their own worries. Okay?

And when we go to do something big and risky and new and scary, it brings up all their fears. I think the spouses that are supportive, I’m like, “Wow, that’s great, but shocking. I’m actually really surprised.” Oftentimes it means that they don’t have a lot of limiting beliefs or scarcity or fear or stuff like that, right? But at any rate, of course, your spouse doesn’t see it. It’s totally fine. So that’s number one.

Number two, you can still operate in a way that doesn’t drive apart things in your marriage. I’m not saying, of course they don’t see it, “Screw them, we’re going to do whatever we want.” I’m saying, “Of course they don’t see it. And it’s okay, and I can still create what I want in my marriage and be who I want to be and pursue my goals and dreams.” Of course there’s a way. I wonder what that way is. And you have to be open to finding the way. And you have to commit to showing up still as the spouse you want to be.

Who’s the spouse you want to be? That’s a really important question to ask yourself. I’m not suggesting that you just put away your dreams and do what we call people pleasing and placating and pretending. That’s going to lead to resentment, frustration. I’m also not saying again that you just throw up the middle finger and say, “I’ll do what I want.” I’m saying what kind of spouse do you want to be? Just like in anything, you might have to make some compromises. You might have to have some tough conversations. You might have to be vulnerable. You might have to sometimes give in on some things, but at other times stand up and fight for what you want. And only you know when is the right time to do that.

You might have to find alternative ways of creating what you want. I know personally, if I were starting a business today, for example, and my spouse was just like, “We don’t have any extra money to put into that business,” or, “I’m just not comfortable putting any money into that business. I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I can’t get behind that.” I would be like, “Okay, no worries. I totally get it. I see the vision, but you don’t. And you’re right, it’s risky and it’s time consuming and it’s expensive and it’s all those things. So I don’t expect you to understand it. I do though, and I’m going for this. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going to take anything from our family finances. I’m going to go wait tables on the weekends.” And I bet I could generate $300 to $400 in tips waiting tables on the weekends. And I used to wait tables. I’m a waitress. I could do it. I don’t know. My knees are not what they used to be, but I bet I could do it. And I would go get a side job so that I could support my business and not draw from my family finances.

I’m not saying that’s the right way to do it. The right way might be like, “No, we have plenty of money and we need to keep having discussions about our money because I should be able to have some authority over how we’re using our money and you should have some authority as well and let’s figure that piece out.” That might be the right thing for you in your marriage, okay? 

I’m just saying for me, especially when I think back to when we started our business and our finances were pretty tight. Like we had enough money to support our family, but if I cut into that, it would have changed our lifestyle in a way that I’m like, “You know what, that’s fair. I’m not going to do that. I’m going to go get a side job to support my business until my business can support me and all of us. You just sit back and watch, honey, you’ll be glad one day.” That part I might keep in my head because it might sound, it might sound like forget you and that’s not how I mean it to sound. In my own head, I really am like, oh, one day he’ll probably be glad I did this. But I don’t know, maybe not. Maybe I won’t achieve success in the way I want to. Maybe I’ll get tired of it before then and that’s okay too.

I want to go after this project because I feel called to it. It feels exciting to me. And so again, I’m not going to second mortgage my house over it. I’m not going to abandon my family and never spend time with my kids because of this project or goal that I’ve worked on. Back to like the health goal example. Sometimes when people decide they’re going to lose weight, their spouses are not supportive. The spouses are like, “Oh, that’s going to be such a pain,” and they want to just keep bringing junk food into the house, and they don’t want the spouse going to the gym so much.

Or again, back to the Ironman, like, “Oh, you got to spend a lot of time out jogging and biking and swimming to get ready for a triathlon.” That’s a big sacrifice on the family, right? So again, what kind of spouse do you want to be? How do you work in what you want? You might have to get up early to go do some of that stuff while everybody’s sleeping, so that you’re not constantly draining the family of time and your attention and your support and help.

You might have to find creative ways like I said, to get the money, to get the time, to make it fit into your life. It doesn’t mean that your family won’t have to sacrifice a little bit for you. I think that’s okay. That’s the kind of spouse I want to be and mom I want to be and wife I want to be is the kind that’s like, “Hey, my needs matter here and so I’m going to put some time or some resources into this. But also, I don’t expect you to see it or understand or be on board and I’m not going to risk, you know, everything. I’m not putting everything on the line for this, but I believe in this. This is important to me. This matters to me. This lights me up. This is fun for me.”

That’s reason enough. Did you know that, you guys? It could just be fun for you and that’s enough reason to go after what you choose to go after. I don’t know, I give this quote a lot, but it’s just so powerful when Byron Katie says, “You don’t have to like me, that’s my job.” I mean, it’s so applicable here, right? You don’t have to support my dreams and goals. That’s my job. I support you not supporting me. Whoa, that’s some tough stuff.

Now, last thing I want to say is sometimes there is an appropriate place for boundaries. So if you have a spouse that’s constantly mocking your project, goal, business, et cetera, that’s not what I’m talking about here. Honestly, if somebody has a lot of negative things to say about something that’s important to me in my life, at some point it’s like, “Hey, listen, I get that you feel that way, totally fine for you to feel however you feel about it. But this matters to me.”

And so first, I would just make a request. Like, “Do you think you could maybe just keep those comments to yourself?” Now, if they choose not to honor that request, I might at some point have to have a boundary. “Hey, listen, if you’re going to talk negative about it, I’m going to leave the room when you bring it up. I’m going to hang up the phone.” Whatever it is, you have to remove yourself from the situation. Like it’s just not cool, dude, or whoever it is saying it. It’s just not cool. I don’t want to hear it.

And usually if you approach it with respect, most people are respectful in return, but occasionally not. And you may have to have a boundary, which is like that topic is off the table for conversation. And so if you bring it up, I’m going to simply have to leave the room until we can change the conversation or hang up the phone, et cetera. So hopefully it doesn’t get to that extreme for you, but sometimes it does. Sometimes it does.

And most importantly, what I want you to remember is that is not about you. It doesn’t say anything about whether or not you’re going to succeed. It doesn’t mean anything about whether or not this is a good idea. Doesn’t mean anything about whether or not you should pursue it. What it means is you’ve got someone in your life who has some fear, some scarcity, some limiting beliefs, some insecurity, and they don’t see the vision or the dream that you see. Totally normal, totally understandable. It’s okay. As long as you believe in you, the rest doesn’t matter.

All right, my friends, thanks for joining me today. I’ll see you next week for another episode of Better Than Happy. Take care. Bye-bye.

Oh wow, look at that. You made it to the end. Your time and attention is valuable, and I don’t take it lightly that you made it this far. In fact, it tells me you might be like me; insatiably curious about people and life and potential and connection. Maybe you have big dreams but a small budget and no time. You’re tired, but bored. You’re content, but dissatisfied. Sound familiar? Come to a free coaching call and see for yourself what’s possible: JodyMoore.com/freecoaching to register. That’s JodyMoore.com/freecoaching.