492. A Powerful Yes

We talk a lot in the world of self-help about saying no, about how we probably should all be saying no more often, about how to say no, about why it’s so hard to say no, but what about saying yes? Are we saying yes from a powerful place and why does that matter? That’s what I’m going to teach you today. Welcome to Better Than Happy, Episode 492, A Powerful Yes.

Welcome to Better Than Happy, the podcast where we transform our lives by transforming ourselves. My name is Jody Moore. In the decade-plus I’ve been working with clients as a Master Certified Coach, I’ve helped tens of thousands of people to become empowered. And from empowered, the things that seemed hard become trivial, and the things that seemed impossible become available, and suddenly, a whole new world of desire and possibility open up to you. And what do you do with that?

Well, that’s the question… what will you do? Let’s find out.

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Hello everybody. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for joining me today. I’m so delighted that you’re here. I so appreciate that you take the time to press play and give these concepts a chance, and I also appreciate how you share it and let other people know about it, please keep doing that. It helps me to get my work out into the world. It helps us to spread mental and emotional confidence and health as that is our mission.

So today we’re gonna talk about this concept of a powerful yes that I learned from my friend and teacher and mentor, Dr. Benjamin Hardy. I am in Dr. Hardy’s Q4, I can’t remember what he named it this year. Last year I took it too and it was called Rapid Transformation and it’s, maybe it’s the same name anyway, it’s a transformative challenge that he has done for a couple of years and well, he’s probably done it longer, but I only discovered it last year. This is my second year doing his Q4 challenge with him.

And Dr. Hardy, if you’re not familiar with him, is a brilliant author and teacher and coach. You can find him online. He has many amazing books. I highly recommend his work. At any rate, Dr. Hardy talks about this concept of a powerful yes and a powerful no. I’ve heard him mention it a few times. I never really thought too much about it. And recently when he said it on one of the calls I was on, I think it was like a pretty casual mention again. It’s not like something he elaborated on very long. I don’t even know exactly how he would define it, to be honest. But for some reason it stopped me in my tracks.

And I had one of those moments, have you ever had these moments where you kind of see a flashback of a bunch of different scenarios and all the pieces come together about what that concept means for you and your life and how maybe it’s an opportunity to develop yourself and evolve and grow. I had one of those kind of moments and it really got me excited about working on this because this is the kind of thing that’s easy to chalk up to like, well, it doesn’t matter. It’s not a big deal. Not like I’m doing anything really wrong. I’m not doing anything dishonest. I’m not harming anybody. 

I could go my whole life with weak, powerless yeses, like I have been. And it would be fine. I wouldn’t know what I was missing out on. But I do believe that sometimes these little, subtle things that we change have a ripple effect in our lives in ways we can’t even anticipate. I think it’s not just about me having more powerful yeses, learning how to give more powerful yeses. 

I think it’s also about my overall relationship with myself, the way I see myself, my relationships with other people, my interactions with other, and how much more intimate and connected and powerful those relationships could be. And all that can translate into so many different things for me personally, for my business, etc. 

So it’s a little enough thing that it’s easy to just ignore, but it’s also a little enough thing that I don’t know that it would be that challenging to work on. I think just the awareness of it alone already has caused me to think differently about the way I say yes to things. And so that’s what I want to offer to you today. I want to bring you some awareness and if you’re like me and you realize, wait a second, I think I’ve been missing that in my life, I would challenge you to do what I’m doing, which is to give it a try, to implement it and see what changes in your current experience and what you create in the future. 

So what is a powerful yes? Well, again, I don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking this is exactly how Dr. Hardy teaches it. I’m not really sure. Like I said, I’ve only heard him casually mention it, but some of this is what I sort of took from the ways talked about it, and a lot of it is also just my own ideas. Please feel free to form your own ideas as well. 

But a powerful yes is one that’s not in a hurry. It takes the time to thoroughly understand the ask and to ask many, many questions. So let me just start with a story. 

My daughter, who is a senior in high school this year, was presented with an opportunity last year. We were living in Washington state and some church leaders, some stake leaders, were putting together this Instagram page for the youth of the stake. And they were going to create a youth committee, but they wanted one girl and one boy to kind of head it up. 

And so they really thought long and hard and were prayerful and everything about who these people were going to be. And Macy had been selected and asked to be the girl heading up this committee. And the way it was presented, it sounded like a really cool, awesome opportunity. Unfortunately, she didn’t get to do it very long because we moved away. 

But the gentleman in charge of it was a graphic designer and branding expert. That was his job. And so he was doing this, of course, on a volunteer basis for the church. He’s a member of the church as well, but he really knew what he was doing and he was really good. 

They asked Macy and my husband and I to come to a meeting. They wanted to explain this to us because it was kind of an unusual ask, right? And they wanted just for all of us to be in agreement that this would be an okay thing for Macy to do. 

So anyway, they presented it with this gorgeous PowerPoint, right? That was really well designed and everything was just so cohesive and aligned and inspiring. And they explained that Macy would learn some software, she would learn how to use certain programs, right? She would learn a little bit about social media, a little bit about marketing, a little bit about branding, and that she would be asked to help contribute to this Instagram account. 

Now my initial reaction when they reached out and said, Macy we’ve selected you because we think that you’re artistic and creative. We’re looking for somebody with that. And we also know that you’re really good at follow-through and that we think that you have good energy and we just think you could be a great fit for this. 

So before we even went to this meeting and found out what it was, I was like, “Macy, isn’t this so cool that they’re selecting you?” And she goes, “Yeah, it could be. I don’t know. Let’s go to the meeting and find out, mom, what it’s about.” And I was like, that sounds like a wise answer. I think she’s right about that. I think rather than just immediately say yes because we’re so flattered that they asked us, we should go ask some questions. We should not be in a hurry even though this does sound exciting, right?

I don’t know about you, but I often am in a real hurry. If it’s an opportunity that I feel really flattered they would even ask me, or I have ideas about all the good things that could come from it, all the benefits of it for me and what I would be contributing, or if it’s a person or organization who I highly respect, maybe I respect people for all different kinds of reasons, but maybe I have a good relationship with them. 

Maybe I sort of hold them on a pedestal a little bit. I think that they’re smarter than me, more successful than me, more connected than me. It’s tempting for me to say yes to people like that right away without even asking what are really important questions before I should say yes to something.

So we go to this meeting, my husband and my daughter and I, we sit down and again they show us this gorgeous PowerPoint and Macy says, “How much time do you anticipate this will take if I say yes to this?” Great question Macy. How much time will this take? That’s something we should probably know before we say yes, right? She asked other questions like, “What exactly do you envision my role would be? How many meetings will I be coming to? Who else would I be working with?” I mean, all these questions that are really, really good questions to ask before you just say yes to something. I have so many examples of this in my own mind where I’ve done it the exact wrong way.

Like I said, the person, I just respect them so much, or I am so honored and flattered that they would even ask me, that before they can even get a sentence out of their mouth, I’m, yes, I would be delighted to. Yes, of course, obviously, no, whatever it is, anything, I’m in. That is the opposite of a powerful yes. Okay? Think about what it’s like to be at the receiving end of a powerful yes. It’s so much better because I don’t know about you, but I’ve been at the receiving end of a weak yes. 

I’ve been the person asking and the other person’s like, sure, Jody, whatever you want, I’m happy to whatever you want. Right? And I’m like, whoa, don’t just say, I like, I appreciate that, but don’t just say yes. I really want you to hear me out. I really want you to know what’s involved. I really want you to know what I’m asking. I really want to make sure this is a good fit both ways before you just say yes. I don’t want a weak yes.

I much prefer a powerful yes. It can’t be in a hurry. We have to think critically. We have to ask questions, which means sometimes the answer might be, it sounds great, it sounds like a cool opportunity, or it sounds like something I would definitely be up for or willing to do. But can I ask you a few questions? Or it sounds interesting, but can I have a minute to think about it? And then I probably am going to have some questions. Should we talk again in a day or so? Can I get back to you after I’ve thought it through a little bit? I mean, that’s a much more powerful yes than the quick, rushed, whatever you want kind of yes that we do, right?

I think about this when we get church callings. Because again, I’m of the generation, I don’t, maybe it’s still a thing, but in my generation it was like, if you get asked to do a church calling, you basically need to say yes. And now I’m told all the time about how many people say no, speaking in church and callings and whatever. I don’t know. I don’t have an opinion on that for you.

For me, I want to try to say yes when I can. But wouldn’t it be better to at least ask a couple questions first before we just say yes? I don’t think I’ve ever done that. I think every time they’ve given me a church sermon, I’m like, yes, I would be happy to. And it’s fine, but it’s just so much more powerful if I think critically about it, ask some questions, maybe we would come up with an even better way to frame it or approach it if I ask some questions than if I just say yes. You see what I’m saying? 

Okay. A powerful yes has to, as I’ve been thinking through this, a powerful yes has to allow a space for the no. No has to be an option if we’re gonna give a powerful yes. Now, I’m not talking about for the person asking. Hopefully to them, obviously they know it’s an option. But if I don’t give myself the ability and a moment and the option to say no, then I can’t give a powerful yes. Right? 

So allow space for the no, whether that’s a literal pause in the conversation, a pause in your own mind, a reminder that it is okay to say no, by the way, right? You can say no. Don’t go into scarcity. 

Some of you have this with like your businesses, right? Any opportunity that comes along, you say yes to. That is a lesson that you’ll learn the hard way if you don’t just take my word for it, that most of the opportunities that come along are distractions and not a good use of your time and focus and efforts. That’s just the reality. I’ve learned that in my business, right? 

So I can’t go into scarcity of like, oh my gosh, if I don’t say yes to this, like people say opportunities only come along every now and then I’m like, that’s not true. Opportunities are everywhere. Opportunities are abundant. Everything wants your time and attention and money and whatever else. So saying no is a powerful skill to learn, right? Important skill to learn. 

So we have to have space for the no in order to give a very powerful yes. I think that with a powerful yes, we’re really honest about what’s in it for both parties and what sacrifices would be made for both parties.

So if I’m asking somebody for a yes of some sort, then I want to be clear about like, these are the things that I’ve thought through that I think would be really beneficial for you, but tell me, what do you think? What do you care about? What’s important to you? What matters to you? And these are the potential sacrifices, but maybe I’m not thinking of something, tell me, right? So we can, even as the asker, try to get a powerful yes, but certainly as the one being asked, on the receiving end of the ask, those kinds of questions, right? 

What do you see would be benefits for me that I may not be considering. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. And I will tell you, as I have implemented this a little bit more just recently, one of the things that I’ve had to do is be more honest with people about, just so that we’re clear, these things I don’t really care about. That doesn’t matter to me. These are the things that I do care about. These are my goals or my objectives or what I would hope to get out of it. 

Because, I don’t know, I think that I am a little bit unique in the way I think about certain things. And so sometimes the things that most people care about, I don’t care about at all. But there are other things I care about that most people don’t really. So I’m just saying, you got to be honest with people, right? Because often then you can get to a more powerful yes for both parties. 

A powerful yes has to allow space for change. It can’t be a permanent yes, at least not permanent in the way that yes is set up originally. So it has to allow space for like, let’s try this thing and we can revisit it. We can revisit the terms. We can revisit whether or not it’s even a fit. I feel like that should be implied, that anything is up for grabs, but sometimes saying it out loud of, I would love to commit to this, can we revisit it after 60 days, after 90 days, and make sure it’s really working for both of us. I want it to be a fit both ways, right? Imagine, like, that’s such a more powerful yes than just, okay, sure, and then we never look back.

So maybe it ends up being something that isn’t working out at all, or maybe it just needs to evolve and change in some way. I think overall, what I love most about a powerful yes is that it treats both parties as worthy of respect, whose time is valuable, whose talents and attention and skills and resources and energy are valuable, because that is true. Both people are valuable. 

And when you don’t recognize, this has been me, my quick, hurried, like, yes, of course I would love to, it’s Because I’m not respecting my time, my skills, my talents, etc. as much as I respect theirs. When you recognize both of you are worthy of respect, and your time should be considered and your efforts should be considered accordingly, then you make your yeses more considerate, more thoughtful, and more powerful for both people in the end. 

What do you think? I would love to hear your thoughts about this concept. I would love for you to come and leave me comments on Instagram, or I would love for you to call into our podcast hotline, which is 1-888-HI-JODY-M. That’s Jody with a Y, M as in Moore. Let me know your thoughts. I love this concept. Thank you to Dr. Benjamin Hardy for introducing us to it, and let’s see what we can do with it in our lives. I will see you next week on another episode, everybody. Take care, bye-bye.

Oh wow, look at that. You made it to the end. Your time and attention is valuable, and I don’t take it lightly that you made it this far. In fact, it tells me you might be like me; insatiably curious about people and life and potential and connection. Maybe you have big dreams but a small budget and no time. You’re tired, but bored. You’re content, but dissatisfied. Sound familiar? Come to a free coaching call and see for yourself what’s possible: jodymoore.com/freecoaching to register. That’s jodymoore.com/freecoaching.