514. Stuck, Spinning, and Second Guessing: A Coaching Session

In today’s episode, I coach a woman who’s hit a wall in growing her coaching business. And spoiler alert, it’s not strategy that’s the problem. It’s brain drama. We dive into how your mind loves to be confused, how it questions your every move, and why your brain is basically a loyal dog trying to prove you right, even when you’re thinking trash thoughts. If you’ve ever felt stuck, scattered, or suspicious of your own motives, this one’s for you. This is episode 514, Stuck, Spinning, and Second Guessing: A Coaching Session.

Welcome to Better Than Happy, the podcast where we transform our lives by transforming ourselves. My name is Jody Moore. In the decade-plus I’ve been working with clients as a Master Certified Coach, I’ve helped tens of thousands of people to become empowered. And from empowered, the things that seemed hard become trivial, and the things that seemed impossible become available, and suddenly, a whole new world of desire and possibility open up to you. And what do you do with that?

Well, that’s the question… what will you do? Let’s find out.

Sometimes, listening to a podcast is enough. But sometimes, you’ll feel inspired to go deeper. If you hear things that speak to you in today’s episode, consider it your invitation to a complimentary coaching workshop.

On this live, interactive Zoom call with me, you’ll get a taste of the power of this work when applied in real life. You can participate, or be a silent observer. But you have to take a step if you want to truly see change in your life… two steps, actually. Head to JodyMoore.com/freecoaching and register. Then you just have to show up. Your best life is waiting for you. Will you show up for it? JodyMoore.com/freecoaching. I’ll see you there.

Hey there everybody. Welcome to the podcast. I got a coaching session for you today. This one is a fellow coach working on growing her coaching business, and her brain is doing all the things our brains love to do that get in the way. So whether you’re a coach yourself or you’ve ever been stuck or confused or questioning yourself, you’re going to get a lot out of this episode. Now, make sure that you listen after the coaching session when I’m going to come back on and break down a few key takeaways that I want to make sure you get out of this session. Here we go.

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Client: Hello, Jody.

Jody: Hi. What’s going on? What can I help you with?

Client: So, I’m struggling with my coaching practice. So I’ve been studying for three years. So I’ve been coaching people on and off, but I don’t have been stable. So because I’m constantly thinking that, oh, nobody wants it, no, why would people want to pay for that? It’s very easy. But then I think, oh, if it was easy, anybody would do that. So then I’m struggling, you know, to sort of stick to something not as wide as I’m doing now. So it’s like, I feel stuck and overwhelmed.

Jody: Okay. So you have a coaching practice. Give me a fact. How many clients have you coached like in the last year?

Client: So, like paid clients, maybe 10.

Jody: Okay, so let’s just make that the fact, that I’ve had 10 paid clients in the last year. And your thought about that is pretty negative.

Client: Yes.

Jody: You even told me, I don’t have anything stable.

Client: Yes.

Jody: I just have clients off and on. That’s what that’s the way you told it to me, right?

Client: Yes.

Jody: Now, listen, our brains want to be right about the stories we tell ourselves. Okay? So when you tell yourself, I don’t have steady clients. I don’t have anything stable. I just have some clients off and on that come and go. Then guess what result you’re going to create.

Client: Yes, that’s true. It’s like a FOMO sort of type of thinking like, oh, if I stick to this and if I work with this type of clients, then I’m missing somewhere else. So it’s just like if I stick to it, probably people don’t want it. It’s just because people want this and that. So it’s like, you know, all over the place, my thought.

Jody: Yeah. Yeah. And that’s because your brain is designed to be right about what you’re thinking. So it’s like, maybe we should change who we’re helping or change the target market because maybe we’re, maybe something’s gone wrong. We’re missing out on something. Or maybe this is too hard. Maybe, maybe if we switch to a different type of client, that would be easier. It’s all these thought errors coming up, right?

So, this is what you have to do, is you have to be the boss of that brain of yours. Okay? You’re a business owner. So you’re in charge of your business and your brain is running your business. So we got to get that brain in order. Okay? So if you choose to coach a certain type of client and your brain says, but we’re missing out on helping these clients. How do you want to answer that part of your brain?

Client: So that’s the whole struggle. How do I?

Jody: Like your brain’s going to talk to you, right?

Client: Yes. And I start feeling, you know, like really, really like overwhelming, some sort of resistance. Okay, so then I won’t do anything. So because those clients are going to miss then I’m not going to do it. So it’s like an excuse. And then I feel bad.

Jody: But why are you feeling overwhelmed?

Client: Because I can’t stick to something.

Jody: Because of what you’re thinking. It’s not because you’re not sticking to something. You’re not sticking to something because you’re overwhelmed because of what you’re think. It’s starting up here. Okay? It’s not because of what you do. You’re doing what you’re doing because of the overwhelm and because of the thoughts. So when you think, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know who to help, maybe I’m missing out on clients, maybe serving these clients would be easier or better, then you don’t stick to something because of the overwhelm. It’s not the other way around. Okay?

So listen, when your brain says to you, if we help these clients, we’re missing out on these clients, the answer is, yeah, maybe, but that’s okay. We’re going to miss out. We’re going to help these clients though instead. Like you can’t help all the people in the world, right? There’s only one of you.

Client: Yes, and that’s frustrating.

Jody: I know, but why? Why do we need to help everyone in the world?

Client: I just don’t know. That’s another question by the way. So maybe, so probably the root thought on it is like, maybe I want to do it from my ego, you know, to prove that I’m sort of clever or something that I know better than other people. So like more intelligent or something like to teach people. Then I feel, you know, guilty like, oh, why would I do that? Why do I want to do it? Because anyway, you need to do lots of marketing and everything and you need to show, you know, that you are good enough, you are intelligent enough. And then I’m thinking, oh, why would I do it? So is it my ego wants it or I want it myself? So why do I want to help people?

Jody: Okay. Well, maybe a little bit of it is your ego, but that’s again, that natural part of you that’s trying to feel like you’re good enough. But notice the way you’re trying to feel good enough is by helping people and teaching people. So maybe that’s okay. Like you’re not you’re not trying to rob people or like steal people, elderly people’s retirement funds to show that you’re good enough. You’re like, I want to coach people and teach people and help people. What’s the matter with me? I think I’m trying to feel like I’m good enough. Okay, welcome to being a human. We’re all trying to feel like we’re good enough. But you also find it fulfilling and rewarding when you help people?

Client: Oh, very much. Yes. Very much. Yes, that’s why I’m thinking maybe it is my ego that needs all the time this, you know, reward like, or I perhaps somebody to change their life or look at me, so what I’ve done or something, you know.

Jody: But again, isn’t that a great thing that you feel good about yourself when you help people?

Client: Yes. Yeah. So I guess it’s like a fine line not to become arrogant or think about like too much pride, you know, like.

Jody: Well, it doesn’t mean you’re any better than anyone else.

Client: Yes.

Jody: You might be better at teaching than some people, better at coaching than some people, right?

Client: Yes.

Jody: That doesn’t make you more valuable than anyone else. It just means you have some skills that some people don’t have. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel good about yourself. And with coaching or teaching someone and going, I did a good job. I’m a good teacher. I’m pretty smart. I know what I’m doing. That’s a beautiful thing. Okay? So the reason I don’t want you to get stuck on that is because when we have a situation like this and everybody listen up, when you have a goal that you’re trying to pursue, you have a goal, you want to grow your coaching practice, yeah?

Client: Yes.

Jody: It’s easy to get distracted with like, wait a second, maybe this is just my ego. And I’m saying is like, that’s a bunch of nonsense. Let’s get going. Let’s go do some marketing. Let’s go figure out how to find clients. Let’s get you a steady stream of clients. Let’s not get distracted with like, maybe I have the wrong intention, maybe I whatever. Your brain doesn’t want to work hard and it doesn’t want to do scary things. It doesn’t want to put yourself out in the world. It doesn’t want to figure out marketing. It doesn’t want you to have to consistently produce content or whatever you’re going to do. It doesn’t want you to have to sell, right?

Client: Yes.

Jody: So it’s distracting with like, I think maybe this is just your ego. Okay? Don’t fall for that. Just make a list of what do you need to do. Like tell me, what is the next thing you need to do that would serve your coaching practice to get you a steady stream of clients? That’s what you want, right?

Client: Probably to stick to specific type of coaching or specific niche, you know.

Jody: Okay. Who do you help? Who’s your niche?

Client: So at the moment, it’s self image. It’s mostly it’s like business ladies or wives.

Jody: Okay, wait, I want to I want to interrupt you for a minute. Notice, and you guys, this is applicable whether you have a business or not. Okay? When you’re thinking about what you want to do. I asked you a question, who do you help? Who’s your niche? And I can see your brain going to the past. You’re telling me who you’ve been helping. And maybe you want to keep helping the same people, that’s fine. But we’re not going to the past to find the answer. We’re deciding today what we want to create in the future. If it’s who you’ve been helping in the past, fine. May not be. Maybe a slight different variation of that or maybe totally different. So, do you see what I’m saying?

Client: Yes.

Jody: Who do you want to help? Who’s your niche?

Client: That’s another thing. You know, if I say it aloud, it’s like officially. And this is probably my ego related because I do want to work with celebrities, with some people who are public figures. Mhm. So probably that’s where this thought is coming. So it’s just not for like everybody or something, but it’s just specific like something luxurious.

Jody: What’s wrong with that? Why do you why are you judging yourself for that?

Client: That’s another thought like, why would you do it? Why not just with any other people? Why do you want to work with celebrities?

Jody: Okay, what’s the answer? Why? Why them?

Client: So then I’m thinking, oh, then I can change more people because celebrities can influence more people. So if they change their attitude, change their mindset.

Jody: Okay. Does it sound fun to you to work like a high-end exclusive celebrity or public figure type of coach?

Client: Yes.

Jody: That’s enough reason. Like I love that niche. I love it so much. You go all in on being like, and like it reminds me of, I just did a podcast that’s actually coming out next week, an interview with a guy named Jason Portnoy, who is a very well known, he helped start up PayPal. Okay? So he’s like a Silicon Valley guy.

And he has a life coach that he sees every week. And he won’t even tell us her whole name because she, my guess is that she only works with very high end public, probably celebrities, public figures. So if she puts her name out there, everyone’s going to be calling her first of all, and she doesn’t want, she wants to be an exclusive high end one on one celebrity coach, right? Or high profile, right? Public figure coach.

It’s a brilliant niche. Now, when your mind’s like, oh, why can’t we help everyone? Because we got to pick something. We got to pick something and this sounds fun to me to work with those people. So we’re going to go all in on it. Now, you’re going to start on it and this is true with any goal, you guys. We’ve decided what we’re going to do. We’re excited about it. We can get ourselves excited about it, right? And then you’re going to start down the path and you’re going to hit a red light. You’re going to find something challenging and your brain’s going to go, maybe we should pick a different one. Maybe this one’s too hard. Do not fall for that.

That’s like you driving to the store to get milk and you hit a red light and you’re going, maybe I should just go back home. Maybe I can’t get milk today. We don’t do that. We’re just like, this is a red light. I will wait. Or hitting road construction. You thought you were going to go a certain way and the road is closed. You don’t go, I guess I should just go home. I don’t know if I can make it to the store. You’re just like, okay, well I’m going to find an alternate route then.

Do not change your niche until you help. I like to give myself a benchmark because we do as human beings sometimes get into something and then realize maybe this isn’t what I want to do forever. But I like to give myself a benchmark like, I will help 25 high profile public or celebrity clients. Then I can change my mind. Not till I help 25.

Client: Okay.

Jody: And then you’re going to have to go figure out how to help them. And it’s going to be tough.

Client: Yes.

Jody: Don’t quit. The celebrities need life coaches. They need coaches. You got this? Okay. So don’t, your brain will say it’s hard. I don’t know how. This one going to come up for you a lot. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t know if I have the right reasons. It’s all this one. No, it’s just hard, but we’re going to do some hard things. We’re going to figure it out. It’ll be worth it because we’ll have a coaching practice and we’ll be serving and helping people in the world and that will be fun. Yeah?

Client: Yes. Okay. Yes. Thank you so much.

Jody: You’re so welcome.

Client: Thank you.

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All right, everybody. Let’s just talk about a few things that came up in this coaching session that again, will be really applicable to you anytime, I should say that you’re feeling stuck, spinning and second guessing yourself. So the first thing we talked about here at some point anyway, is that our brains want to be right. Right? I kept saying that to her over and over again. And this is really important for you to keep in mind. 

This subconscious part of our brain that we don’t have control over is driving us most of the time. I don’t know the exact statistic, but my guess would be 80% of the time. It’s the subconscious brain driving us. And then our prefrontal, we can override that. That’s called willpower. That’s called conscious thinking, right?

But the subconscious brain requires a lot less energy and we operate from that place most of the time. This is a beautiful thing, but it means that we want to have that part of our brain working in our favor, not against us. And that is the part of the brain that wants to be right about what we’re thinking. So when this beautiful woman comes on and says to me, my coaching practice is not working. Or no, I think the way she said it was, I’m struggling in my coaching practice. 

Her subconscious brain hears that and goes, okay, that’s what we need to make true. Struggle in your coaching practice. Got it. And it goes to work trying to make that true. That’s why we self sabotage, right? We’re like, why am I self sabotaging? Why don’t why can’t I get myself to do it? Because you’re working against your subconscious brain. You can do that in small spurts, but not all the time.

Okay? So this is why what you’re thinking, how you interpret what’s going on in your business or in any other part of your life is so important because your subconscious brain will work to make whatever you’re believing true. That is how we operate as human beings. So how do we do that? If we do believe it’s just true that we’re struggling in our business, for example, like this woman did, how do we do it? We do exactly what I did with her is we just start with a fact. 

Before we try to change the story or believe a new thought, let’s just get a fact. The fact that we got was, she said, I’ve had 10 paying clients in the last year. Okay? That is that is not a coaching business that’s struggling, a coaching business that’s succeeding. It’s not anything we could interpret it in any of those ways, right? But it’s just a fact. I’ve had 10 paying clients in the last year. Period. Not good or bad or struggling or successful, right? 

So we just begin with a fact and we try to like show our brains like this is just neutral until we think something about it. Like think back to the day when you had zero clients. If I told you were going to have 10 clients one year, you’d be like, that would be awesome. Right? Okay.

Then the next concept that comes up a lot for her is this idea of talking to your brain, right? Her brain is talking to her as all of our brains do. They always will. Our brains will chatter at us. They will offer up thoughts all the time. That’s okay. Even though most of the thoughts, not most of them, but some of the thoughts they offer up are, you know, garbage thoughts.

That’s okay as long as you don’t let those automatic unquestioned, unfiltered thoughts drive your life. The way you let them not drive your life is you talk back to them. Talk to your brain. Don’t just listen to your brain. Don’t just let your brain boss you around. But also, I didn’t say yell at your brain, ignore your brain, be mad at your brain, push down these thoughts. No. None of those things are the same as talking to your brain. It’s just a very kind, patient conversation.

That’s the kind of conversation I’m having with you guys when I’m coaching you. It’s tell me more about that. What’s going on? Why is that a problem for you? Right? This client asked several questions like, you know, what’s the matter with me? Why do I only want to coach celebrities? What does that mean about me? And I asked her, what does it mean? Right? She kept saying, why is that the only people I want to coach? And I said, well, why is it? We just check it out. That’s how you have a conversation with your brain. You literally ask it to answer the same questions honestly in a slowed down way. Not just like probably because you’re trying to prove you’re good enough. And then you go, well, is that true? Is that what I’m doing? And if that’s what I’m doing, is that really so bad? Yeah. Valid point, brain. I have some insecurity sometimes. I do have an ego sometimes that tries to drive. But am I really doing something so terrible here? Right?

Okay, so talk to your brain. Next thing I want to point out that came up here is she’s got overwhelm and she’s confused as we all get to be at times about what’s creating that overwhelm, right? She attributed it. I asked her specifically, why are you overwhelmed? She said, because I’m not being focused. I’m not doing the right things. She’s attributing her action or inaction or ineffective action or lack of results. That’s the reason she thinks that she’s overwhelmed. That is not the reason we’re overwhelmed ever. Overwhelm is an emotion or a feeling. It’s created in our minds with what we’re thinking. Your to do list does not overwhelm you. What you think about that to do list overwhelms you.

This is everything. It’s not just semantics. Because if you think that it’s your to do list or your lack of action in your business, you’re going to try to outrun your overwhelm. You’re going to try to get through that list or shorten the list or whatever in order to not be overwhelmed. Now, that might get you some temporary relief. That’s not necessarily a wrong thing to be doing. I like you erring on the side of taking action versus not. But what I want you to do along the way is manage your brain to minimize the overwhelm that your brain is creating as you take action. It will make the action way easier, more fun, more effective. You will find shortcuts and solutions. Your action will just improve so much if you work on reducing the overwhelm as you go. Coaching is a great way to do this.

Okay? Next thing I want to point out, we all have desires and interests. This woman mentioned that she kind of has this secret desire or interest in coaching celebrities and then she feels bad about it. She judges herself for it. I don’t find that to be useful. You know what I think that is and I pointed this out to her. But we have this part of the brain called the motivational triad whose job it is to help us seek pleasure, avoid pain and save energy. And so this part of the brain’s like, why do we want to do this new hard thing growing this coaching business? And so when we have an interest in coaching celebrities, it says, who do you think you are? Why do you even want that? Are you trying to prove something? What’s the matter with you? It’s just that part of the brain trying to talk you out of doing something new or challenging or big or hard, because that’s that part of the brain’s job.

But if you again, talk to your brain, have a conversation, slow it down, ask some questions like, is this coming from a bad place? And if so, is that even really a problem? Maybe, yeah, maybe I want to work on getting my ego in check. Maybe I want to work on my insecurity a little bit. But like I pointed out to her, she’s not trying to do anything bad. She’s trying to do really good work here. And so some of that kind of motivation even isn’t necessarily a problem. There are people who will tell you that your motivation’s about like proving your dad wrong or that you’re angry or whatever will get you really far. Some people love to be driven by that type of motivation.

Okay? And then the last thing I want to point out is I ask her who she wants to coach and she goes to the past to answer me. She starts telling me about the clients she has coached. This is a huge thing that we all do in our lives. We go to the past to find answers about what we want in the future. And if what we want in the future is the same thing as we had in the past, then great. That can be very useful. But otherwise, it’s not at all useful. Because your past doesn’t contain the answers for your future. Your future contains the answers for your future.

Now, this is difficult for us to do. It’s overwhelming and challenging because the future is a blank slate. And the brain doesn’t like a plain blank piece of paper and I give you a crayon and say, draw anything you want. That will freak your brain out. But if I say, draw a picture of the house you grew up in, your brain still might not like the idea that you have to draw something now, but it’s a little bit less scary than just draw anything. And the future is literally a blank piece of paper. Okay? But in the future is your fulfillment of your desires and interests and dreams. And dreams don’t make any sense. And our desires are not all the same and our interests, we don’t have to justify to anyone. I don’t want you justifying them. I want you just wanting them because you want them and you don’t even know why. That’s how you’re going to create your best life.

All right, thanks for joining me today for this coaching session and I’ll see you next week on another episode. Take care.

Oh wow, look at that. You made it to the end. Your time and attention is valuable, and I don’t take it lightly that you made it this far. In fact, it tells me you might be like me; insatiably curious about people and life and potential and connection. Maybe you have big dreams but a small budget and no time. You’re tired, but bored. You’re content, but dissatisfied. Sound familiar? Come to a free coaching call and see for yourself what’s possible: JodyMoore.com/freecoaching to register. That’s JodyMoore.com/freecoaching.