509. The Lie We’ve All Bought Into

There’s a lie you’ve been told. You didn’t choose it. You probably didn’t even notice it. But it’s shaping the way you think, the way you set goals, and the way you judge yourself every single day. And the worst part? This lie feels like self-improvement. It feels like motivation. It feels like the way to get better and make the world around you better. But it’s actually doing the opposite. I’m calling it out today because once you see it, you won’t unsee it. And trust me, you’ll never want to think this way again. Welcome to Better Than Happy, episode 509: The Lie We’ve All Bought Into.

Welcome to Better Than Happy, the podcast where we transform our lives by transforming ourselves. My name is Jody Moore. In the decade-plus I’ve been working with clients as a Master Certified Coach, I’ve helped tens of thousands of people to become empowered. And from empowered, the things that seemed hard become trivial, and the things that seemed impossible become available, and suddenly, a whole new world of desire and possibility open up to you. And what do you do with that?

Well, that’s the question… what will you do? Let’s find out.

Sometimes, listening to a podcast is enough. But sometimes, you’ll feel inspired to go deeper. If you hear things that speak to you in today’s episode, consider it your invitation to a complimentary coaching workshop.

On this live, interactive Zoom call with me, you’ll get a taste of the power of this work when applied in real life. You can participate, or be a silent observer. But you have to take a step if you want to truly see change in your life… two steps, actually. Head to JodyMoore.com/freecoaching and register. Then you just have to show up. Your best life is waiting for you. Will you show up for it? JodyMoore.com/freecoaching. I’ll see you there.

Hey there, everybody. Welcome to the podcast today. If you feel like you’re stuck in a certain area of your life, maybe it’s a goal that you’ve wanted to progress on and you feel like you’re just not making progress, or it’s not going fast enough, or maybe you’ve even gone in the opposite direction. Maybe you have relationships that are difficult, maybe you have challenges that you don’t know what to do with. If you feel like there’s an area where you want to succeed more, and you want to be more successful, then today’s episode is absolutely for you.

Because there is a concept I’ve been playing with that I feel like really sums up everything I’ve been trying to teach you here in the 509 episodes that I’ve done for the last, I don’t know, 10 years. It’s two words, and I’ve talked about it a little bit with some of you. I don’t know that any of us are perfect at never saying these words. I’ll probably say it accidentally today on this episode. That’s how conditioned we all are to say it. So the word that we’re going to get rid of and the concept that I want to teach you today is to become should-free.

Should-free. I want you not only to try not to say should because the irony of this is telling someone, listen, let’s not operate from should is like saying, you shouldn’t use the term should, or the concept or the word, the idea should. Okay? So, notice we can should ourselves about this idea. That’s why I’m wording it should-free. Okay?

And I love the word free because that’s exactly what happens when you go should-free. So it’s not that you’re doing anything wrong when you think or say, I should, he should, they should, the world should.You’re not doing anything wrong, okay? Don’t start shoulding yourself about it. Just notice that it’s a trap. It’s going to keep you stuck. It’s going to prevent your progression. It’s going to prevent you having the experience that you want to have, or it’s going to limit it at least in some ways. It’s going to slow you down. It’s a trap.

To get out of a trap, the opposite of a trap, right, is to become free. And that’s what I want to offer you today with this concept of should-free. We have a lot of people in the world today that have decided to become gluten-free or they’ve needed to become gluten-free. We have some people that are sugar-free, caffeine-free. We talk about this, we add this word free, I should say, to a lot of things when it comes to our diet of food and beverages that we take in.

But what if you applied it to your mindset? What if you decided just like some of you don’t drink alcohol, don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t take drugs? You’re drug-free, right? Maybe you’re alcohol-free. Okay, let’s go should-free.

And just like making a change like that in your diet seems weird to a lot of people, they can’t relate to it, makes them uncomfortable because they kind of want to do the same thing, but they don’t know how. Yeah, that’s going to be you too when you go should-free. Some people are going to question it. They’re not going to understand it. They’re going to think that it’s weird. All right, cool. I’m just warning you, that’s what happens when you start to make your life more extraordinary. People can’t relate to it and so they have judgment of it. But it’s worth it anyway. I highly recommend you do it.

Okay, so I want to flush this concept out and please don’t think, oh yeah, I’ve already heard this before because I’ve been thinking about this, talking about this, writing about this, flushing out this concept for a while now. I probably will continue to do so, but I have some insights here that I think you’re going to kind of go, oh, I didn’t really think about that before. And we’re going to take it next level. And the reason I want to bring those up is because I want to help you make this step in your life. Okay? So we’re going to think about it on a little bit different level.

All right, so first things first. My work in the beginning, and what I mean by in the beginning is for any of you that are new to me, or even when I first get a client on the phone and we’re going to start coaching on whatever’s going on for them, the place where we always begin is understanding the difference between facts and stories. There are facts like this person said these exact words, or the weather is this temperature and this humidity and this is the wind, whatever, happening. There are just many facts happening around us, right?

And then there are stories we say, think, and believe, which cause us to feel how we’re feeling and show up for and experience these facts in the world. And it’s just a good idea at times to understand the difference. And the word should makes us believe that our stories are facts. Should takes what are subjective ideas, sometimes even useful ideas and concepts, but still just ideas, still just stories, and turns them into universal truths that obviously everyone agrees upon, according to the word should, right?

But the truth is, these concepts and ideas are not universal truths. They might be good advice at times, but maybe not always. Okay? So as soon as I say something like, women should do this, men should do that. Fathers, mothers, children, teenagers, we have all kinds of ideas for all the people in our lives and all the people in the world about what people should do. If you’re like me, I have plenty of opinions about what everybody should do.

But the word should implies to my brain that that’s just what’s true. That’s just what’s real. Like everybody knows that. It’s so obvious, right? Now, some of you, and sometimes for myself as well, we use it on ourselves instead of on others. I should do this thing. I should do that thing. I should stop doing this thing. I should be different. I should feel different. I should even think differently than I am.

And this is the reason I love this concept of should, because a lot of you come to me and I teach you that your thoughts are creating your feelings and that thoughts are optional and that that’s ultimately creating your reality for yourself. And it’s very freeing and it’s very empowering, right? But the next step in your progression often is to then start feeling bad about what you’re thinking and feeling. We sort of loosen up a little on trying to control the world outside of us, and we instead start judging ourselves and going, I know, I should think differently about this. I should feel differently. I should fill in the blank.

Which is just as problematic. You go from judging the world and judging the circumstances around you to judging yourself. That’s not going to create the best life for you. So, that is the main problem with should.

Now, here’s another problem with should. Should takes what could be good advice for some people or at some times and turns it into a weapon. I heard this said one time that any tool can become a weapon, right? Scissors are really useful for cutting things, for cutting paper, cutting hair, cutting rope, etcetera. But those same scissors that are a useful tool can be very dangerous and I can injure myself or others or damage property, break things with scissors if I’m misusing that tool.

And that’s what should does with advice or concepts or principles that could be useful. Okay? So we see this happen in religion a lot, right? In my faith tradition, we believe things like we’re trying to love one another. We’re trying not to judge one another. We’re trying to be really honest in all of our dealings and we’re trying to really connect with God and we do that through things like reading our scriptures, saying our prayers, attending our church meetings, right? But all of these things can become shoulds and often do for most people, right? And we use it to judge one another and we use it to judge ourselves.

She should come to church. I should read my scriptures. She should be wearing her garments. I should stop judging. I should be kinder. I should say nicer things. I should keep to myself, right? So we just do it back and forth. We do it against other people, then we do it against ourselves.

And none of this is making us more spiritual or more Christlike or connecting us more with God. It’s just not. So it takes, again, what could be really, I think, useful principles and concepts to live by, and then uses them as weapons to judge others or judge ourselves. Not the point. Not the point of any of it, right?

We see this in the world of health and fitness too. I should eat better. I should drink more water. I should go for a walk. I should exercise. I know I should get more sleep. We say all of these things as though those are just universal truths, right? Because everyone mostly agrees. But I mean, even if you want to make it true, by the way, I’m not saying you have to go, that’s not true.

What I’m saying is don’t use it against yourself. It’s really good advice to drink more water. And it might be good advice to eat better. That might be advice that you want to execute in your life. But telling yourself that you should do it is not doing it. It’s using it to judge yourself, using that knowledge that you gained to just notice where you’re falling short. I don’t see the upside to it.

Okay, so this brings me to the next point I want to make, which is that should is actually just an excuse for taking useful action. It’s an excuse for taking the action that we want to take in our lives and it’s a justification for self-righteousness and judgment against others. 

Both of those things have zero upside in your life, my friend. You sitting around noticing what everybody else should do, including your children and your spouse and your parents, etcetera, sitting around noticing what they should do, talking about what they should do, thinking about what they should do, is not getting them to do anything different.

It’s not influencing them. I promise, from they should be different than they are, you are not more influential. You are less influential in their lives because they will feel the judgment. Even though you’ll try to hide it, if you’re like me, you’ll think you’re pretty good at pretending and they will still know.

And you telling yourself that you should be doing something different is just a really nice excuse for not doing it. Because a part of our brain goes, yeah, you’re a healthy person because you know you should eat less sugar and more fruits and vegetables and protein. And saying it out loud, especially makes you a healthy person for some reason, right? It’s like, if I just read the fitness magazine or watch the influencer making the really healthy meal that’s macro friendly, then I’m a healthy person. Except you’re not if you don’t change what you’re eating.

But that word should kind of satisfies that part of our brain that wants to work on this problem. It’s a trick. Don’t fall for it. I’m going to tell you what to do instead in a minute, but I just want to go through all of these points, okay? It’s a trick. The word should needs to go. It needs to go from your vocabulary if you really want to make progress.

I want you to think of – let’s go back to the health for a minute. Maybe I am going to tell you right now what to do instead. Healthy people are not sitting around saying, I should eat better. They’re eating better. They’re just doing it. Okay? And so if you’re not doing it, if you’re not eating well, let’s say you’re sitting there eating a donut. I love donuts, you guys.

Okay, so you already know this about me. But let’s say you’re eating a donut and you’re telling yourself, I should only eat half of it, or I shouldn’t eat the whole thing, or I should just stop eating this donut. Instead of that, you could just put down the donut, or you could decide, apparently, I want to eat donuts more than I want to work on my health. And that’s okay. 

It doesn’t make me weak or wrong or bad. This isn’t a moral failing. This doesn’t mean I’m never going to be able to get healthy. It’s just that I’m eating a donut right now. Apparently, this is what I needed to do. This is what I wanted to do. Huh, that’s interesting. I wonder, because I do care about my health and I do really want to get healthier. I know this is not the path to that. So I wonder what’s going on for me?

Do you notice the alternative to should is not shouldn’t? It’s not complacency. It’s not neglect. It’s genuine curiosity and genuine understanding. And from that place, you can gain some really useful insight. And from useful insight, you can figure out how to make the changes you want to make in your life. But from should, it all gets shut down. Because we just feel bad and we don’t like to dig deeper into things we feel bad about, by the way.

But second of all, we just kind of check a little box in our brain that says, yeah, we’re working on getting healthier because we noticed that we should be doing a better job than we are right now. Okay? So it’s an excuse for action. Don’t fall for it. It’s not helping you be better and it’s not controlling the people around you.

I love when I’m coaching someone who’s like, well, I have this teenager and he lies to me about A, B, and C. And I say, and we think he shouldn’t lie? Is that what we’re saying? And my client will say like, well, I don’t want him to, obviously, it would be better if he didn’t. I’m like, really? Because he does lie. What if we stop thinking he shouldn’t? And we don’t replace it with, that’s amazing that he lies. But we could replace it with, huh, I wonder.

Because here’s the truth. It makes sense. It always makes sense in the end. It makes sense that your teenager’s lying to you. Do you know why? He or she doesn’t want the negative consequences that are going to come from telling you the truth. And he or she still wants to indulge in what we are calling bad behavior because they get some kind of pleasure out of it, some kind of relief out of it, or it’s easier than the alternative. That makes sense, right?

And me eating this donut makes sense too because donuts are delicious and I get a dopamine hit and I get the pleasure of the sugar and I get whatever else happens temporarily while I’m eating a donut. And it’s a lot easier to just eat the donut than to not eat the donut. Makes perfect sense why I’m doing it. It’s not this bizarre thing. 

Why do I do this? Why do I keep eating this way? Why does my teenager keep lying? Why do people do what they do? You know why? It’s so simple. It makes perfect sense why people do what they do. If you drop the should, you can understand it.

And then you become more useful and influential to the people in your life, and you become more available to yourself to figure out the solutions. So if I’m really needing a dopamine hit and I’m needing a lot of pleasure and joy from this donut, it might be that I’m not getting enough joy in the rest of my life. There might be some bigger things at play that I want to take a look at here. Okay, that was a little tangent, but I feel like it was necessary.

Alright, let’s go to the next one. Actually, I kind of touched on this already, but we’ll flush it out a little bit more. Should feels like a step toward what you want, but it’s actually 180 degrees in the opposite direction. Okay? So let’s take another example. Maybe I tell myself, I should get my work done. I should do it now and not put it off till the last minute. I shouldn’t procrastinate. I should get it done early. I should be more organized. Things like this, right? We tell ourselves about our work schedule. Again, we’ll do the same thing to others, but let’s make this about us.

So telling myself that I should work on the project, I should get it done early, does that make me want to do it more or less? Tell me, you guys. How do you feel when you think, I should work on that thing? Because I feel dread and I feel guilt. I feel bad about myself. I feel overwhelmed and I feel this heavy thing on my shoulders sitting there going, you should get it done. Because behind that is I don’t want to. It sounds hard. It sounds overwhelming. There’s other things I want to do, etcetera.

And so then it’s even harder to go get myself to work on it. So, notice it’s a step away from. If I want to get something done, ideally, I would have some inspiration, some motivation, some energy behind it. And at the very least, I would have some determination and commitment. Those are the emotions I want driving me if I have something I need to get done. Should does not invite those emotions. It invites dread and guilt. So it’s a step in the opposite direction. Do you see what I’m saying?

Okay, so what do we do instead? I could work on it. It might be fun. It might be easier than I think. Maybe I will work on it. Or I will. I’m committed. I will do this thing no matter what. That’s so much better than I should do it. You see the difference? I am going to do this thing. And maybe it’s, I’m going to do this thing and it’s going to be hard and I’m going to do it anyway because I can’t wait to get it done. 

Or maybe it’s, I’m going to do this thing and I know once I start, it won’t be as difficult as I’m believing right now it will be. Getting started is the hardest part. I’m just going to sit down and start.

Or maybe it’s, I’m going to do this thing because I want to figure it out and it’s going to be awesome and I can’t wait to see how it turns out. It doesn’t matter where you are, but I will, I can, or I even I could is so much better than I should.

Let’s go back to the food example, because I think this is a hard one for a lot of people. Instead of I should eat better, I could eat better. I mean, think about it. Think about the difference. I should eat better just is a shutdown and a shame. But I could eat better is like, I could. I mean, yes, I could, right? And part of us wants to go, no, you can’t. It’s too hard. You’ve never been able to. Who do you think you are?

But if you don’t listen to that voice and you go, no, I could. It’s possible. I am capable of figuring out what to eat that serves my body. I am capable of saying no to the treat and saying yes to the veggies. I could figure out how to cook veggies in a way that tastes better to me. I could find foods that are healthy that I enjoy that fit into my life the way I want. I could make this work. I could figure out how to feed my family and eat the way that I want. I could. It’s so much different than I should, right?

One of them gets my brain spinning in the world of ideas and looking out for solutions and ideas. The other one shuts me down. So, next thing I want to tell you about why I hope you’ll join me in going should-free. Byron Katie says there’s three types of business. There’s my business, your business, and God’s business. Okay?

So we’ve talked about a little bit about using should when it comes to things that are your own business, right? Like my business, how I eat, whether or not I’m exercising, whether or not I’m working on my business, what kind of parent I’m being, what kind of spouse I’m being, whether or not I’m being nice at church. All of those are my business, right? And should just invites shame and guilt, which we just talked about why that’s not useful.

When it comes to other people’s business or what Byron Katie would call your business, should is just a justification for judgment and self-righteousness. Also not useful. But let’s talk about what she calls God’s business. Okay? Now, what I mean by God’s business, I don’t know if this is exactly what Byron Katie means, but what I mean by God’s business is it is things that are completely outside of my realm to influence even.

So, obviously, the weather. God’s business. Other than like maybe, you know, doing my part to try to take care of the environment, I really can’t affect the weather. And even things like what’s going on in Washington DC, unless I work in politics or I decide I’m going to go fight for a cause and or lobby for a cause or something, which I’m all for it if you want to do that. 

But if I’m not going to go out and influence the world of politics, then just sitting there reading the news, complaining about it, if it’s not time for me to vote or participate in some way, is sort of “God’s business,” if you will, right? It’s not like it’s not even part of something I can influence today.

So why am I spending so long sitting here deciding what other people should do? I’ll tell you, I’m really good or I’m really bad at this one, however you want to think about it. I’m really good at coming up with theories and ideas about things that I have no influence on and actually don’t even know what I’m talking about. 

Like the other day I was talking to a friend about our medical system and how it needs to be fixed, our healthcare system, right? All the problems with it. And you know what? They should do, they should do this. And doctors should do that, and the government should do this, and insurance should work this way. As though I have any idea. I have no idea. I know very little about that industry. I know the tiny little bit of interaction I get as a patient and that’s it. And it’s just interesting that I think I have all the answers and all these ideas about how to fix this very complicated problem, if it’s even a problem.

And this is what we do, right? And sometimes there are things that we think, no, this matters. I have influence over this or this is part of my world like this thing’s going on in the school district. Okay, cool. I still don’t see the upside of us sitting around thinking and saying, they should do this thing or they shouldn’t do that thing. They should do it differently. This should be different. Because again, it’s passive. There’s no action in should. It’s just a judgment. It feels so self-righteous and justified, but it does nothing to actually make a positive influence.

So again, even shifting from should to could, they could do it this other way. Do I want to make a positive impact here? Do I want to say something? Do I want to raise my hand and volunteer to help be part of the solution, to help make things better instead of just sitting around judging what’s wrong and how I think everybody’s falling short?

So again, there’s my business, your business, and God’s business. And going should-free in all three of them frees you to actually show up and create more of what you want for yourself and in your relationships and interaction with others and on bigger, more organizational or even an existential level, right? 

Like let’s go back to the weather to wrap up this one. It should be nicer today, isn’t really a thought most of us think. You know why? We realize there’s no upside to it. We know that we can’t control the weather. And so we don’t spend a lot of time saying it should be nicer. Now, we might think, I wish it was warmer. I wish the sun was out. I wish for these things, which again, I don’t know that that’s very useful either, but it is not really the same as should because should has a judgment behind it, right? And it feels just like important in this way that it’s really, really not.

Okay. So, to wrap this up, I want to reiterate. I’m not saying that you should stop thinking or saying should. I’m just offering to you this idea and concept that you could go should-free. It’s possible to live a life that is should-free. I bet you’re already doing it in certain areas. You really don’t spend a lot of time thinking I should brush my teeth. You know why? You probably just brush your teeth.

You probably don’t spend a lot of time saying, I should try some experimental drugs because you’ve just decided that you don’t want that in your life. And so you don’t spend a lot of time wondering if you should, right? There are many examples of where you’re already living should-free. And so I want you to take any area of your life where it comes easier to you and ask yourself, how do I apply it to this area where it’s more difficult?

Another thing you can try that we talked about today is to shift from should to could. I could. And from could to I will, or I’m not going to. And that’s okay. We want to move across the bridge from I should to I do, right? But it goes, I should over to I could, to I will, to I am doing it, to I do do it. And then it actually becomes not something we have to think about at all because it’s just a natural part of who we are and how we live our lives.

Alright. I’m sure I will have a lot more to say to this down the road, but I wanted to put an episode out and get you to start thinking about living should-free because it will make your whole life free. It will get you out of the trap. Should is a trap. We’re done with that trap. We’re living should-free. Come on with me.

I’ll see you in the next episode. If you liked this episode, I would love to hear your thoughts. I would love to hear from you about what I left out that we should add to this concept. So please feel free to DM me on Instagram or call into our podcast hotline, which is 1-888-HI-JODY-M. And as always, I would love so much if you would share this episode with others if you found it to be useful. Have a beautiful rest of your day. Bye-bye.

Oh wow, look at that. You made it to the end. Your time and attention is valuable, and I don’t take it lightly that you made it this far. In fact, it tells me you might be like me; insatiably curious about people and life and potential and connection. Maybe you have big dreams but a small budget and no time. You’re tired, but bored. You’re content, but dissatisfied. Sound familiar? Come to a free coaching call and see for yourself what’s possible: JodyMoore.com/freecoaching to register. That’s JodyMoore.com/freecoaching.