I’m a TV girl. When I moved into my new town a few years ago and a very nice girl invited me to her book club I said, “ummm….do you have a TV club?”
I also like movies. Anything on a screen is up there on my list of “let’s do it.” I didn’t read the Twilight series or the Hunger Games because I believe books are the ultimate spoiler of the movie experience, which I hold sacred. Of course the book was better than the movie. Nobody spoiled the ending for you! No thank you… I don’t have room for that kind of disappointment in my life.
On the other hand I am an avid reader. It’s just that the books I read are generally not of interest to most people, don’t get made into movies and while many people read to escape reality, I read to dive in closer. For me, books are for learnin’ and I love me some book learnin’. This week I’ve been reading the most fascinating book about shame and I dare you to nominate it for your next book club meeting. It’s called I Thought It Was Just Me – But It Isn’t by Brene Brown. Just in case you don’t get to it right away or you want a preview, here are three brilliant things I’ve learned from my new friend Dr. Brown.
1. Guilt and shame are not the same thing.
Guilt is an emotion that comes from the thought, “I’ve done something wrong.” It’s a focus on behavior.
Shame is an emotion that comes from the thought, “Something is wrong with me.” It’s a focus on self.
Neither feels good, but we tend to use these two words interchangeably when, based on Dr. Brown’s research, they are actually different.
Guilt says: I’m sorry. I made a mistake.
Shame says: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.
This is an important distinction because all of us MAKE mistakes by nature of being human. And at the same time, none of us ARE a mistake by nature of being human. In my experience, they often come as a pair.
My son almost never gets invited to birthday parties because when he did used to get invited he never wanted to go. He doesn’t enjoy large groups of loud kids. Smart right? But last year when he got invited to a party at Bounce U from a boy in his class he said he really wanted to go and was looking forward to it. His exact words were, “Mom, this party is going to be really fun,” which is what utter excitement looks like for my son. Other than his sister and cousins’, this would be the second birthday party he had ever been to in his 8-year life.
You can probably imagine how I felt when 2 days after the party date I found the invitation in a drawer and realized we’d missed it. He cried and I felt awful. I felt guilt AND shame. The guilt came from, “Man I can’t believe I didn’t put this on my calendar and pay more attention.” The shame sounded more like, “There’s one more piece of evidence that I’m a pretty crappy mom. I probably just emotionally damaged my child and he’ll tell this story to his therapist one day. Why am I such a disorganized mess? What is WRONG with me?”
This brings me to the second thing I learned from Brene Brown.
2. Guilt is sometimes helpful but shame rarely is.
Statistics show that there is a direct correlation between shame and the following:
addiction
depression
bullying
aggression
eating disorders
suicide
violence
And there is an inverse correlation between these things and guilt.
Dr. Brown believes that guilt is what sometimes propels us to do better. We make changes when we recognize that our behavior isn’t ideal. But when we take it to the next level and make our mistakes mean that there is something wrong with us, we are unable to make sustainable changes. Instead we get caught in a cycle of hiding and inaction or ineffective action so that things never really get better and in many cases, only get worse.
My guilty thoughts might inspire me to really use my planner more effectively in the future. But the shame part makes me want to just find a new show to binge watch so I can escape myself for a bit. I’m not nice to myself when I feel shame so I don’t like my own company and I have to distract myself to get away from that mean voice in my head. Thank goodness for Netflix.
Please note: I am not suggesting a TV marathon is a problem itself. Seriously. Remember, I’m pro-TV watching even in marathon form. However, in this scenario, it’s the action I’m taking to distract myself from a shame attack and it’s not making me more effective as a mom or genuinely feel more confident about myself. It’s just a distraction so I can forget about it.
3. Only sociopaths never feel shame.
What a relief. I’m totally NOT a sociopath. You probably aren’t either and while shame leads to the list of ugly things mentioned previously, it’s also not something we can escape altogether. Instead we want to notice shame and allow it to cycle through us and then practice what Dr. Brown calls shame resiliency.
To grow, shame needs secrecy. The more we “hide” our shameful thoughts the more shame can grow. The antidote for shame is empathy. When you’re ready, find that friend, sister, co-worker etc. who you know will be able to empathize with you and have a good talk. Find the person who’ll respond with some version of one of these:
I once did the same thing.
It’s understandable you’d feel that way.
I totally get why that happened.
Nothing is wrong with you. You just made a mistake and we all make them.
I will never forget during the most shameful time of my life when a coach said to me, “I think what you’ve done is not that big of a deal. You’re going to have some hard work to do now, but you’ll get through this and be just fine and you’re an amazing person.” I thought maybe he’d misunderstood my situation at first, but he hadn’t. And he was right. I had made mistakes but there was nothing wrong with me. It took me a long time to believe that and some days I still forget, but it’s true in the end and it’s true for you too.
If you’re not religious, skip this last part because I’m going to get a little Church Lady on you here to finish up. I believe that God knows that sometimes you need to feel a little guilt in order to keep improving yourself. He wants you to work to do a little better as you progress through life and he knows you’re going to make a lot of mistakes along the way. But your value never changes regardless of the mistakes you make. The only person who wants you to think your value can change is The Adversary. He wants you to believe that because you made a mistake, there must be something wrong with you. If he can convince you of that, he can get keep you trapped in a harmful cycle of self-doubt and ineffective or harmful actions. Don’t fall for that. Phone your empathetic friend or if you don’t have one contact me. I’m pretty good at “Me too!”
Have a fantastic week and if you think someone you know might benefit from hearing this message, I’d be honored if you’d help me spread the word by sharing it on Facebook or via email or anyplace you like to share. Also, check out Dr. Brown’s blog post on this same topic HERE.
xo
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