493. Past and Future You (Encore)

What is your relationship like with your past self? What is it like with your future self? Is it kind and generous and open and connecting and honest and full of accountability with love? Or is it like most people? Is it terrible and negative and unreasonably judgmental?

This episode is an encore episode that aired several years ago, but I listened to it the other day and was like, that’s some good stuff. So we are going to listen once again to this important topic, past and future you. Please enjoy.

Welcome to Better Than Happy, the podcast where we transform our lives by transforming ourselves. My name is Jody Moore. In the decade-plus I’ve been working with clients as a Master Certified Coach, I’ve helped tens of thousands of people to become empowered. And from empowered, the things that seemed hard become trivial, and the things that seemed impossible become available, and suddenly, a whole new world of desire and possibility open up to you. And what do you do with that?

Well, that’s the question… what will you do? Let’s find out.

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Hey there, everybody. Hope you had a really lovely Christmas. This episode is airing right after Christmas. I hope you’re still just relaxing and enjoying some time off, some downtime. I hope the kids aren’t driving you too crazy being out of school. So whatever phase you’re in, I’m thinking of you. I’m sending lots of love to you. I hope that you’re staying warm and cozy.

In this episode, which is such good content, I’ve been talking a lot lately about our relationships with our past self and our future self. But in this particular episode, you’re going to hear me refer to Be Bold, which is what we used to call The Lab. So that’s all I’m talking about is my coaching program. When you hear me talk about Be Bold, some of you have been with me for a long time since we were called Be Bold. That is now The Lab. And otherwise, I think all of this will make sense even though it came from a few years ago, it was a really good reminder for me when I listened to it and I hope that you find it to be the same and I’ll be back next week with a brand new episode. I will see you then.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for tuning in. I just want to begin with gratitude for all of you who listen to the podcast, who share it with your friends and family, who leave me ratings and reviews on iTunes and who share it on your social media and in your stories. I honestly, I see every one of those. Every time you tag me in something on social media, that is me. I’ve tried to assign social media to my team and they’ve tried to take it on, but I’m sort of addicted to it. And so I end up intercepting them.

So I think they all know now, like, just let Jody do it. She’s going to be on there anyway. So I probably am on there more than I should be. But what I want you to know is that I see your messages, I see when you tag me and when you share it, and I appreciate it so, so much. So please keep doing it. And please, if you haven’t done it, it’s not too late. 

And the reason I’m asking you to do that is it does serve me and my business, but it serves my mission even more so. There will be many, many people who will listen to this podcast who I will never get the privilege of working with on a deeper level, and that’s okay. I really desperately want to help impact the world more through these tools. So thank you to all of you who have done that and thank you in advance to those of you who will still share the podcast.

Today’s topic, I decided to talk about this one because I just got done doing a live coaching call in Be Bold. For those of you that are in Be Bold, it’s November 10th, so you can go listen to the live coaching call from November 10th if you weren’t there. 

The last client that I coached, we started talking about this concept of past self and future self. And as I was coaching her, it sort of helped me flesh out the idea. And so I wanted to get on and record a podcast while it’s fresh in my mind. 

Okay, so we have these different versions of ourselves, right? We have our past self, which is just the person that we were even five minutes ago that was past me, right? Anything that I’ve done or that I thought or that I felt or that I was is in the past, right? 

Then there’s current me, which is, they say, the only thing that’s actually real is what I’m thinking, feeling, and doing right now. And then there’s future me, who will do and think and feel certain things. You can see why the only thing that’s real is what’s happening right now, right? Because what I did in the past, what I thought in the past, what I felt in the past, who I was, how I looked, any of that now is just something that exists in my mind. It’s just a memory.

So maybe we could say, well, there are photos or there are videos or whatever. But my point is my past self is now in the past. Okay? My future self is always in the future. I never catch up to her because I am my present self and I move into the future. Then I become present self again. So both of those things we want to keep in the thought line in terms of like, those are mental constructs, who I was, who I’m becoming. Who I am right now is the only thing that’s real.

Now, the way that you think about your past self and the way that you think about your future self impacts your current self. I think more than we realize. I think more than I’ve realized anyway until fairly recently. I started to have this, I understood this concept logically. I’ve talked about it before as a coach and I have been taught this and read about it many times, but I don’t think I understood how significantly it impacts my current self until recently.

So let me explain what I mean. First of all, most people don’t think about their future selves very much at all. I didn’t, and in fact, I still don’t, nearly to the extent that I want to. I want to get better at thinking about my future self. The reason we don’t is because the future is like a blank slate. Like there are literally endless options. Isn’t that crazy to think about?

Do you ever think about, what am I gonna eat for dinner tomorrow? What am I gonna make for dinner? I tend to think about dinner once a week on Saturday when I go grocery shopping, I think about what are we gonna eat for dinners this week? The reason that is a challenging question for many of us to answer is because there are literally endless choices, so many choices about what we could eat for dinner, right? And the brain doesn’t like that. Too many choices is overwhelming to us. So instead we just go, I don’t know, I can’t think of anything to make for dinner.

Are you like me? Do you do that? That’s what I do. I’m just like, I can’t think of anything to make. And it’s not because there’s nothing to make for dinner or that there’s no food in the grocery store or that I don’t have any ideas.

It’s that there are too many choices, too many options, endless possibilities of things I could make for dinner. And so the brain shuts down. Now, dinner’s just one tiny little part of our future. What else is going to exist in your future? How are you going to feel? How are you going to look? How are you going to spend your time? Where are you going to live? Etc.

So we don’t think about the future because it’s literally a blank slate. And when we do think about it, we tend to limit ourselves as much as possible, which is again, your brain’s way of saving energy. But my point is, future thinking is challenging for me anyway. And for most people that I know, it’s just overwhelming. It’s too much.

If somebody said to me, “Hey, Jody, you’ve got two choices in the future, Either live in City A or City B. Which one would you choose?” I might think, well that stinks and I only have two choices, but the truth is it would be much easier for my brain to start thinking about the future in that case, right? And start planning and wrapping my head around it.

Okay, so we don’t think about our future selves now. Let’s go to future self, because most of us think we’re just going to become whoever we become, and we’re waiting to see who that is. And what I want to do is empower you today to have more of a say in that.

I do think that there are things that are going to happen in our lives, maybe with our bodies, maybe with our relationships, maybe with our, I don’t know, etc. There are like people around us have agency. Some things are somewhat out of our control. And so I personally don’t take the extreme approach of every single thing that happens in your life, you’re going to create. I know some people do believe that I could be wrong but I do think that there’s a much higher percentage of it up for grabs than what I know I think about and what most people think about.

Okay, who am I going to be in the future? Now future me is going to be a version of me that is the result of what present me is doing.

So if I get up in the morning and I drink water and I continue to drink water throughout the day then future me like bedtime Jody is going to be more hydrated and if I do that many days consistently or at least most days on the regular, then future future me like a month from now, two months from now, six months from now, a year from now, that future me is going to be a little bit healthier for having drinking. Is that the word? Drunken? Drink? I don’t know. For drinking water. Sorry, I don’t know the past tense of drink. Someone, someone message me and tell me. That future version of me will be slightly different, more hydrated, right? Then if I don’t drink water.

If present me chooses to, let’s say, put some money in an envelope, then future me has money, once I discover that envelope again, to spend. Or if present me spends money, future me doesn’t have that money Maybe there’s more money coming in or something, but that money is gone Future me is impacted by the choices that present me is making right?

And I would argue that even the way future me is going to feel is in large part a result of what present me is thinking, and what present me is doing that will make it harder or easier for me to feel how I want to feel. So if present me goes out into the kitchen and does all the dishes, then future me walks out of my office and feels a little bit lighter and freer because she automatically thinks look how nice and clean my kitchen is. Right?

If present me just lets the dishes pile up and decides I’m too tired, I don’t feel like doing them, then future me is likely to feel overwhelmed and burdened as she thinks, ah, I really need to do these dishes. I guess I’ll just do them now.

Okay, so are you with me? Present you is creating future you. The food that we eat, whether or not we get enough sleep, whether or not we do the things that we want and need to be doing to help our businesses grow, what we say to our kids, the way we behave with our kids, whether or not we discipline our kids, whether or not we set clear expectations, whether or not we have a list of chores that we make them do or not.

All these decisions, little tiny things that present me does impacts future me. Now, here’s the thing. Present me has this primitive brain driving, trying to drive, although my prefrontal brain, my human brain, my higher brain can come online and redirect it. But when I’m just operating on autopilot and not paying attention, my primitive brain wants to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and save energy.

So present me would like to just go get a piece of chocolate out of the pantry and a Diet Coke. Present me would like to take a nap. Present me has certain parts of my job that I love doing, like I like recording this podcast, I like coaching, other parts of my job, like the more administrative stuff that it’s like, let’s not do that now. We’ll do that later. Right? Present Me wants to give the not so fun tasks to future me, who also isn’t going to want to do it. Future me is not going to want to do it more than present me when I get there. You with me?

So whether or not I do those tasks and get them done, or I leave them for later, is going to impact future me. If I do the things that serve me, future me benefits. Many of those things mean foregoing pleasure or being willing to be uncomfortable or do hard things. You with me? Okay.

So hopefully what I’m telling you, you’re like, yes, I know this, please tell me something I don’t know. It’s not like brand new information, but I do find it to be fascinating and useful to slow down and think about it this way at times. Even though we know it, we don’t really ever stop and think about it that often.

But here is the big takeaway that I had this morning after the coaching, or I guess it was afternoon, whatever, when we did the coaching today in Be Bold, that I want to add on to it. Because I feel like I’ve been in a little bit of a, there’s been this tension between present me and future me. Because I know fully well that if I drink this 44-ounce Diet Coke, and if you can tolerate it, be my guest. I don’t have anything against Diet Coke, but if I drink 44 ounces of Diet Coke, I’m gonna feel not very good later. Future me’s not gonna feel good. Present me’s gonna enjoy it, but future me is going to pay the price. And so I feel like I’ve had this sort of battle going on with present me and future me, and I’m constantly trying to repress, trying to allow urges and all the things, but I’m sort of like, in the name of hooking up my future self, I’m sort of at war with my present self.

And I’ll tell you when everything changed for me. Not that it’s always easy, don’t get me wrong. But it got a heck of a lot easier when I started thinking about my relationship with my past self. Past me. And first of all, just separating out past me from present me. Okay, so let’s start with that. Let’s talk about separating those two out. And then let’s talk about having a healthy relationship with past you.

So here’s what I mean by separating out past me from present me. Let’s say my kids wanted to go to Crumbl Cookie because we used this is the example that came up on the coaching today with my lovely client. Let’s say I wanted to go get a crumble cookie because my kids know, the crumble’s like 30 minutes away for us or 20 minutes maybe. It’s a bit of a drive, okay? But my kids know that I’m a sucker for sweets, especially a crumble cookie. So they’ll say, Mom, let’s go drive to Coeur d’Alene and get a crumble cookie. And best news of all, they have a drive-in. You don’t even have to get out of the car or really talk to people. Okay, my favorite. So like, Mom, let’s go for a little drive to Coeur d’Alene and get a crumble cookie. And I will always say, yes, let’s do it. Okay.

So we go to Crumbl cookie and I tell myself, I’m not going to eat the whole thing, but then it’s just so delicious that oftentimes I do. I eat the whole thing and it’s delicious. I’m every bite tastes great. I know they say that only the first and second bite of a treat are really good. I beg to differ. I think the whole thing is pretty delicious or at least I just let myself go unconscious and think that I’m enjoying the whole thing. And then about 10 minutes, 15 minutes later, future me has to pay the price.

Okay? But I used to, like I said, not separate out present me from past me. I just went, ugh, I feel so sick. I wish I wouldn’t have eaten that whole cookie. I should have just eaten a quarter of that cookie. Maybe half the most, but I certainly shouldn’t have eaten the whole thing. I feel so sick.

And then come the thoughts like, oh, what’s the matter with me? Why do I do this? Am I ever going to be able to stop doing this? I’m so weak. Gosh. Now, all the judgment, right? So I have physical discomfort, emotional discomfort now as I judge myself. And I just stay in that for a while.

And I tell myself I shouldn’t beat myself up, right? Like all the chatter. Anyone besides me have this chatter? Okay, the chatter. And I tell myself, I’m not gonna do that again because I’m gonna hook up my future self. She wants to feel better. She wants to fit into her clothes still. She wants to look better. She wants to be healthier.

So that’s it. No more eating a whole crumble cookie. We will go to crumble and just get a quarter of a cookie or whatever I tell myself, right? Because we’re not going to not go to crumble. Come on.

So this is what I used to do. Hopefully some of you are relating to this, I don’t know if it’s with cookies, but whatever it is, substitute. When I started separating out past me from present me, it shifted things.

Because I went like this, Oh, past Jody, you sure had fun eating that cookie, didn’t you? It was delicious. I hope you enjoyed it. And as I did this, I couldn’t help but like, be really kind. I didn’t berate past me. I wasn’t like, you’re disgusting. What’s the matter with you? I can’t believe da da da da da.

No, I just went, I hope you enjoyed that treat because I’m sure paying the price now. But you know what? I will do that for you. Because I love you. Because you also do a lot of pretty awesome things that really hook me up.

In fact, we’re driving in this warm car right now and you earned the money to be able to buy this car to be able to go to Crumbl Cookie in the first place. So I love you. I don’t necessarily think through, by the way, the car thing. I’m just trying to illustrate for you in my mind why I have no beef with past me. Because while she does some things that present me now has to pay for and sort of regrets, like wishes she would have made a different choice, I realize that there are way more things that she does that I’m so grateful for.

Mostly, most of the things she does take good care of me. Most of the things she does make it so that I have an enjoyable life so that I get to be married to Jake Moore. I get to be the mom to these amazing kids. I get to be a life coach to all of you. I get to live in a house with central air and heat. I get to live in a free country. I get to go for a walk anytime I want to outside. I get to read books, because past me learned how to read. I could go on all day, right? Most of the things that your past self has done have hooked you up.

And every now and then, past you has done some things that now you’re paying for. And you know what? All right, we’ll do it. We’ll take it on for past us because we love her or him. You with me? This has been game changing for me. Because as I’ve learned to first of all, like I said, just separate out past me from present me, then I can see why past me did what she did. It’s not because she’s terrible. It’s not because she’s weak. It’s not because she’s a mess and I’m certainly not still her.

Think about this you guys this is mind-blowing. Okay, before I went to crumble cookie. I wanted a cookie I had a craving an urge a desire for something sweet. And my kids know that and they play on my weaknesses. And then we go and we get the Crumbl cookie. But now present me, who just ate after eating the whole thing, right 10 minutes later, present me does not want a crumble cookie. She doesn’t. In fact, it sounds disgusting in that moment, because I’m so sick.

I ate too much of it. She doesn’t want a Crumbl cookie. She is not the same as past me. So when we label ourselves as the same, like, I’m just so weak, I have such a bad sweet tooth, I can never say no to crumble, then we’re going to drag that with us into our present at some point that’s going to catch up and impact future us.

But if you’re just like, listen, I am a healthy, reasonable, logical, smart, mostly wise woman. And past me really wanted a treat and I hope she enjoyed it. And now I’m paying the price, but I will, because I love her, but I don’t really want a crumble.

And when you do this, you guys, this gives you leverage over yourself. This makes it so the next time you have a choice to make, since I’m using food as the example, we’ll just keep on it. And my kids say, let’s go to Crumbl. I’ll say, you bet we will. And I will just get a cookie and I’ll put three quarters of it in the fridge or the freezer for another day.

I’m telling you, it’s crazy how powerful this is. Because I don’t need to compensate for hating myself and beating up on myself and feeling terrible, and I’m not trying to reinforce a belief like I’m a weak, terrible person who can’t say no to food, then I actually create a different result in my future.

Put me to the test. See if this is true. You can do this with so many things. You can do this with sleep, right? Present you is feeling however you’re feeling based on the decision past you made. Wasn’t there a Seinfeld episode about this? Like, morning guy hates night guy. Right? Because night guy stayed up too late and didn’t want to go to sleep, but then morning guy is tired and has to get up.

But what if morning guy or gal morning woman was just like “Oh nighttime woman past woman, you had a lot of fun last night watching season five of The Crown that just came out.” So good, by the way. I hope that was fun for you and that was fun and I’ve good memories of that and it’s okay that we did that and now I’m tired and it’s okay I’m gonna be tired for you because I love you. But I’m also gonna remember this feeling and that’s not super fun it makes my day harder. And maybe tonight I will go to bed a little earlier and hook up future me. I don’t know, we’ll see. If not, I’m not gonna be mad at you, but it’s an option, just saying, it’s a choice.

And it’s so crazy, you guys, from this place, you start making such better choices for your future self. Now, I’m gonna give one other example here of what I noticed as I’ve done this, and I’m gonna keep doing this. I just started doing this, like crazy talking to myself. My client who I was coaching on this today, I just told her, people think we’re crazy talking to ourselves, but then I realized we’re all talking to ourselves anyway. We all have thoughts all day. We’re all talking to ourselves in our heads. We might as well do it with a little bit more intention and make sure it’s a little bit more useful.

Okay, so here’s the last thing I wanna tell you, that as I’ve done this work, I’ve started to think just slightly more consciously about my future self. Not like I should and trying to guilt trip myself and using willpower, but just like, I’m just like a little bit more thoughtful of my future self as my present self has been kinder to my past self, especially when she hasn’t done what I wish she would have done.

Let me give you an example. When I go to church now, most days I remember to grab myself some kind of cold beverage to leave in the car. I leave it in the car, I go to church, church is two hours, I get out of church, there’s a nice, fresh, cold beverage waiting for me. And I say, “Thanks, past Jody, for leaving me a drink. It’s exactly what I want right now as I drive home from church.” Like little tiny things I’m starting to do that are just very thoughtful to future me. Because of course, as I mend my relationship with myself, I’m suddenly more thoughtful and considerate of myself.

This morning, I woke up a little bit earlier than I normally do. And I thought, I just lay here and scroll social media or something. And then I thought, or I could get up and exercise. Often I will exercise after I get the kids home from school before dinner, but I thought, if I just do it now, then future me will have that free time to not have to exercise. And I did. And I’m not much of a morning exerciser, But I think the reason that it’s so much easier for me to do is because I’m being so much kinder to myself.

I’m kinder to my past self when she doesn’t do it. Instead of being mad at her, I say, it’s okay that you slept in today. I’m going to exercise now for future me. Right? As I’m kinder to my past self then I’m kinder to my future self and this is a huge win don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect at it I’m not perfect at it sometimes I still want to judge myself but it’s getting easier. It’s becoming more natural. It’s so crazy.

Give it a try. Separate out your past self from your present self. Be kind and loving and be willing to just endure any consequences that past you has created because you love past you and you will start loving future you and present you even more as you do. I’m serious it works like magic.

Please come to Instagram or whatever. Instagram is where I am mostly on social. I’m on Facebook and things but mostly Instagram. Come and tell me. I want to hear how it goes if you try it out.

All right. You’re amazing. I love you. Thanks for listening. I’ll see you next time.

Oh wow, look at that. You made it to the end. Your time and attention is valuable, and I don’t take it lightly that you made it this far. In fact, it tells me you might be like me; insatiably curious about people and life and potential and connection. Maybe you have big dreams but a small budget and no time. You’re tired, but bored. You’re content, but dissatisfied. Sound familiar? Come to a free coaching call and see for yourself what’s possible: jodymoore.com/freecoaching to register. That’s jodymoore.com/freecoaching.