446. Coaching with Jody: I Should Be Able to Handle This

Welcome to episode 446, Coaching with Jody: I Should Be Able to Handle This.

Have you ever felt overwhelmed and unable to do something like being new at a job or not new but overwhelmed with a job or task at hand, but hesitated to ask for help? Perhaps you were afraid they’d say no, or that you’d be judged for not being able to handle it on your own. Check out today’s real coaching call to see how we use the tools of coaching to ask for help when needed.

Welcome to Better Than Happy. I’m Jody Moore and I’ll be your coach today.

Hello everybody, I have another coaching segment to share with you on the podcast today. From time to time we’re publishing real coaching on here. I really want to try to help show you the application of the tools that we’re teaching. And I want to thank the people who raised their hands and agreed to come and be coached here. They are all members of The Lab and if you want coaching and you want more of what you hear in this coaching segment, come and check out The Lab because we’re doing a lot more of this in there.

This is a beautiful, wonderful woman who is struggling at her job and can’t figure out why she’s not willing to ask for help more or why she has a fear of it. And I want to say that it’s really easy in a situation like this, when we’re talking to friends and the way a lot of coaches would handle a situation like this is that we go right to what we should say. We give each other possible words to say, possible messages, and sometimes that does the trick.

But what I find is that often is a temporary fix that might help my client in this one particular scenario. But what happens the next time she’s struggling with something and feels hesitant to be vulnerable? That’s what we’re talking about here really. It’s not even hesitation to ask for help. It’s a hesitation to be vulnerable and admit weakness or shortcoming.

And so the coaching that we’re going to do here is really meant to be more of an overall understanding of where that’s coming from so that she can have some more leverage over herself in these types of situations. So I think whether you can relate to this directly or you know that there are instances when you are afraid of showing weakness or vulnerability, which is every single one of us, that you will get a lot out of today’s coaching segment. Let’s do it.

                                                                                                                   

Speaker: Hi, thank you for taking my call.

Jody: Yeah. Thanks for volunteering. What can I help you with today?

Speaker: I am a registered practical nurse working in a province in Ontario, Canada. I’ve chosen the profession because I’ve had loads of reasons. I came up with 10 reasons, that was previous coaching that I had from one of your coaches. So I know my reasons. But specifically, I just want to learn how to become more assertive with my delegation at work.

Jody: Why do you want to master that? I’m in, I just want to know your reasons.

Speaker: Because it’s necessary. As a nurse on tasks, I have so many things on my plate. It becomes overwhelming and I’ve gotten to a place that my job is overwhelming but prioritize things and just get things one thing at a time, done. And if new priorities come up, I’m flexible, let’s deal with that. But with things that, for example, being assertive with my co-workers is where I struggle. And I when I would like some help, some assistance, I start doubting myself and I just get into this spiral and I don’t end up asking for help.

Jody: Okay, so when you say you want to be more assertive. One thing that you mean by that is you want to be more direct about asking for help?

Speaker: Or just even getting the nerve up to ask for help.

Jody: Okay. What do you think right now? Why do you think you don’t ask for help?

Speaker: I’ve written out a model because I find the model is very helpful to kind of pinpoint my actions and to understand my thoughts, what I’m really thinking. So as a feeling, that’s where I decided to start. I said, “I just want to be assertive.” Is that a feeling? It feels like a feeling.

Jody: Or maybe confidence, we could put assertive in the action line. Maybe it’s a feeling. Do you see what I mean? To me, I would put it in the action line, but I don’t know. I could be talked into putting in the feeling line. But before we even go to that model, we’ve got to understand the model that you’re at right now. So can you think of a specific scenario of when you maybe wished that you would have asked for help or a time when it might be useful to ask for help? Give me a fact that we can put in the C line and play with.

Speaker: So my current model would be, need help with patients’ care.

Jody: Okay, so you’re caring for a patient and you kind of want help. And your thought right now is what?

Speaker: I have an idea of who to ask, but she would probably say no.

Jody: Okay, she would probably say no. I know I have an idea that she’ll probably say no. And let’s just play in the thought line a little bit before we go to the feeling. What would be wrong with her saying no, why would that be a problem?

Speaker: I think it just makes me feel ashamed for asking and it’s kind of a very uncomfortable feeling, let down, disappointed. So ultimately I’m just afraid of the feelings that I’m going to have to encounter whenever she says no.

Jody: Yeah, okay. So we all do this in all different areas of our lives. We’re like, I kind of want some help with, in your case, what I’m doing here at work. I could ask this person, this woman, but she might say no, so I will not ask her, guaranteeing that I don’t have her help. That will be better.

Speaker: And I just struggle and I’m exhausted at the end of the day, but I could have asked for help.

Jody: Well, let me ask you this. Do your odds of getting her help go up or down if you ask her for help?

Speaker: Do the odds go up? The odds will go up if [crosstalk].

Jody: The odds will go up. There’s a chance she might say yes, or that she might say, “I can’t help you now, but I could in 10 minutes or I can’t help you but I know this person can because I noticed they’re not as busy.” Your odds of getting help go up significantly when you ask, which I know is why you’re like, “Yeah, I want help being able to ask.” But the reason I’m slowing it down like this, we’ll go there in just a minute, but we have to start here because your logical brain understands.

But your subconscious brain, your lower brain, thinks no, this is dangerous. Asking for help is dangerous because we might have to feel ashamed or disappointed on the other side of it. It’s a lot safer to just be exhausted at the end of the day. So now let’s dive into that just a little bit. If you asked her for help and she said no, you would only feel ashamed if you made it mean something negative about you. And you’re not the only one who does this. Tell me, what do you think you would make it mean about you that would make you feel ashamed?

Speaker: Probably thoughts like I should be able to do this on my own.

Jody: I should be able to do this on my own, okay.

Speaker: I can’t think of anything else that would make me feel ashamed.

Jody: Okay, I should be able to do this on my own. Now, again tell me, is that true, should you be able to do it on your own?

Speaker: Well, I start comparing myself to other nurses and they seem to be able to do it on their own so why can’t I?

Jody: Okay, what’s the answer, why can’t you?

Speaker: Well, that specific day that I did need help, I was super busy with a different patient who was more acute, a change of condition. So I was super busy with that patient.

Jody: Okay, I had a little bit heavier workload that day, yeah?

Speaker: Correct, yeah. Just the situation that occurred that day.

Jody: Yeah. I just want you to try this on, we’re just trying on thoughts to believe that might serve you better. Even if let’s say you had a normal workload and you had an equal workload to all the other nurses and all the other nurses are able to do it on their own. But for some reason it’s more challenging for you and therefore you need to ask for help. There’s still nothing wrong with you.

I mean, that’s the reality. Just try it for a minute. There’s nothing wrong with me, even if and again, I’m going to the extreme because there are a lot of rational reasons why, you’re just as capable and whatever. And maybe for all we know all those other nurses are doing it on their own and they’re going home exhausted at the end of the day just like you. You actually are doing it on your own. So what if we try on the idea that sometimes I need help and that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. Is that believable to you?

Speaker: Yeah, for sure.

Jody: Okay. So you might have to remind your brain of that sometimes. When you have the thought, oh, gosh, this is a lot right now. I’m caring for these patients and one of them is acute and it’s kind of alright, I feel myself getting overwhelmed. I could go ask that other nurse for some help. She might say no. And then you remind your brain, that’s okay because it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me.

First of all, you could just feel ashamed. You could just process the emotion of shame, but it’s optional. People saying no doesn’t make you feel ashamed. Your belief there must be something wrong with me here, makes you feel ashamed.

Speaker: That’s true, yeah.

Jody: Now, the same with this appointment. Disappointment comes from a thought. It doesn’t come from people saying no to us. It comes from the thought, oh man, I thought she was going to help me and I was excited that I was going to have help, and now she’s not. And now I’ve got to do it on my own. This is so disappointing. Something like that. So again, you can feel disappointment and just take a deep breath and go, “Okay, I’m going to feel some disappointment for a minute, but at least I gave myself a chance at getting some help.”

Speaker: That’s true, yes.

Jody: Instead of disappointment ahead of time where I don’t even ask for help. And then I’m for sure disappointed and I’m exhausted at the end of the day. So the other thing, and I do this a lot when I want to try something big and scary, which is what you’re doing to your brain, it’s big and scared to ask for help.

I tell myself, “Listen, Jody, we’re going to try this and I am not going to be disappointed in you no matter what happens, I’m going to be proud of you for trying the thing that you’re afraid to do, that we’re not sure if it’s going to turn out the way we want. I’m going to be so proud of you for having the courage to try.”

Speaker: Similar to what I’m going to think after this call, I took a lot of nerve to actually get the coach [crosstalk].

Jody: Yes, you’re scared to raise your hand and get coached. So then at the end, you’ve got to say, “Thanks for being brave enough to raise your hand and ask for help.” That’s what you did right here, you asked for help, right?

Speaker: Yes.

Jody: And no matter how it goes, you can thank yourself. And when you go ask a nurse for help, whether she says yes or no, you can thank yourself for being brave enough to try something you weren’t sure what the outcome was going to be. That disappointment is optional.

So if you were to, the next time you’re at work and you are caring for a bunch of patients and you feel yourself getting overwhelmed and you think I should go ask this person for help. If you were to tell yourself, I will not be disappointed in you no matter what happens and there’s nothing wrong with asking for help. How would you feel, first of all?

Speaker: I would feel determined. Go up to that person, they’re available, ask, “Can you please help me for care with this patient? Because I’ll be busy in the other hallway with my other room. If you need me to help with anything, please come and find me in room 15.” Something like that.

Jody: Yeah, okay. So you would feel something more useful like determination. For some of you, listen, when we go to try something new, you don’t have to get rid of the fear altogether. You still have those thoughts in the back of your mind like, oh, no, what if she says no? And that might be embarrassing or I might be ashamed or might, whatever. But we just answer them, we’re not letting those thoughts drive us and make our decisions. That’s why I like to call it courage.

The bravery and the desire to do it anyway is stronger than the fear, it’s driving. But the fear is still kind of there in the back seat. So you’re going to be courageous. So don’t think you’re doing it wrong if you don’t feel totally peaceful and confident. There’s going to be a little fear there. And if they say no, you might have a little bit of disappointment or a little bit of shame. But what you’re doing is you’re choosing more intentionally. You’re like, “I’m proud of you. Thanks for being courageous. And it’s okay that you needed help.”

And if you can just answer your brain that way, I promise those thoughts will become more natural and believable to you over time. Whether you get yeses or no’s when you ask for help. And eventually your brain will realize it’s not dangerous at all to ask for help, because whatever happens, we don’t beat ourselves up on the other side of it.

Speaker: That’s right. Maybe a thought would be too, if she says no, I can just go find somebody else who’s available.

Jody: Right, yeah. It’s not the end of the world, she might say no. And here’s what it’s important to remember. She’s not saying no because of you. She’s saying no because of what’s going on for her. We take everything so personally. But if you just go, “Oh, she must be busy. I’ll go try someone else.” Here’s the last thing I want to give you before you go is, I find it sometimes useful to let myself own where I’m at instead of try to pretend that I’m further along.

So if I was in your shoes, I might, when I ask for help, go, “Hey, I feel bad even asking you this. I feel like I should be able to handle it on my own, I’m kind of nervous, I don’t normally ask for help because I feel like I should be able to figure it out and please feel free to say no if you can’t. But is there any way you could come help me for a minute?” You know what I mean?

If you kind of own where you’re at, it will help because you’ll feel more authentic. And I don’t mean that then we try to guilt her into helping. I would say it like, “Please say no if you’re too busy but I could really use some help. Is there any way you could jump in here for a minute?” Let yourself be messy and vulnerable and afraid in front of people even. It’s totally okay.

Speaker: Yeah. Thank you so much for the advice.

Jody: Okay.

Speaker: Thank you. Goodbye.

Jody: Take care. Bye bye.

If you find the podcast to be helpful you’re going to love The Lab. In Better Than Happy: The Lab we experiment with applying all of it in your real life. Whether you’re in the middle of a challenge and ready for some relief or you’re ready to commit to pursuing your dream goals and making them a reality, come join me in the lab at jodymoore.com/thelab. That’s jodymoore.com/thelab.