381. Embarrassed of Your Family

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 381: Embarrassed of Your Family.

Did you know that you can live a life that’s even better than happy? My name is Jody Moore. I’m a master certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And if you’re willing to go with me I can show you how. Let’s go.

Hello everybody, welcome to episode 381. I have a topic that I think is going to be really helpful for a lot of people and it’s something that people are afraid to ask me oftentimes, or afraid to talk about, or to bring up because it’s one of those topics that none of us like to admit when we’re struggling with it, but is real for a lot of people, I can tell you that from the work that we do in Be Bold.

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Okay, so let’s talk about being embarrassed of your family. As I was trying to decide how to word the title it feels like improper English to me to say embarrassed of, but I didn’t want to say embarrassed by your family because to me that implies that maybe they did something, played a prank on you or something and put you in an awkward situation so that you were embarrassed. They created a situation for you where you were embarrassed. What I mean is not that. I want to talk today about those of you who have ever felt embarrassed of someone that you love.

Maybe it’s your husband, I have coached on this a lot where people say, “I’m embarrassed by my husband,” is what they usually say. But what they mean is they’re embarrassed because of him they believe. They’re telling me that they wish he was different. They’re sort of ashamed. They sort of, when he is the way he is around people, they feel embarrassed. So maybe it’s a social thing. I’ve had a lot of women tell me, “I just wish he was better in social situations. I wish he knew what to say better or was better at telling stories or telling jokes. I wish he didn’t talk so much.

I wish he talked more. I wish he was more outgoing and charismatic around people. Or I wish he would settle down and let other people have the floor sometimes.” Sometimes it’s just a social thing like that about how we believe our husbands should be socially. Sometimes I’ve coached women who have said, “He doesn’t follow through on things like his church calling. He doesn’t step up and do his calling the way that I think that he should.” He’s not, you know, whatever that means too. He’s not following through on things.

He’s not owning his responsibilities at church the way that I would if I were him and the way that I think that he should be, and I’m embarrassed about that. Sometimes it’s even something like maybe your husband’s physical health or his weight or something that you talk about when you talk about this embarrassment. The same thing happens for people sometimes with their children or other loved ones.

They’ll say the same thing, like, “My child is just awkward or doesn’t have as many friends as I wish they would have, or maybe they sit alone at lunch at school or they’re not outgoing, or friendly, or they’re too outgoing.” They’re again similar to what we said with the husband. Maybe it’s that they don’t want to go to church anymore, they’ve chosen not to serve a mission, they’ve chosen not to be active in the church. Or maybe they’re really misbehaving in some way, getting into a lot of trouble at school or what have you.

Or maybe that child is just really struggling and suffering in some way. And I have a lot of people, a lot of parents, again I coach a lot of moms, but I’ve had dads too say, “I’m embarrassed of my child, and I know it’s terrible I shouldn’t be.” Again, the weight thing comes up too for people sometimes with their children. So, listen, whatever it is, whoever it is and whatever the reason is why you believe you’re embarrassed, here’s the first thing I want to tell you.

Number one, this happens for people so you’re not alone, again, it’s just not something that we talk about because it’s not something that any of us are proud of when we feel this way. In fact, we’re the opposite, we’re usually totally ashamed by it and so shame says, hide. That’s what shame tells us to do, that the emotion of shame leads to the action of hiding. Hiding might be just not talking about it when it might be or could be useful for you to talk about. I’m not saying you have to talk about it all the time but hiding may not be helpful.

So, step number one is to not shame yourself. That’s why I’m bringing it up here on this podcast. I want you to know it is actually not all that uncommon, it is a human thing I have noticed in all the humans that I’ve coached, and it can happen and we’re going to take a look at why in just a minute. But telling yourself, I shouldn’t feel this way is just adding more judgment.

So, we’re already judging our spouse, or our child, or whoever we’re feeling embarrassed by, wishing they were different, thinking they should be different. Then we’re like, I will start judging me for judging them, that will probably help. Do you see what I’m saying? It doesn’t help. You have to go, “This is curious.” Now, when I tell people not to judge this part of them they think I’m saying, you should love this part of you. You should just embrace it, and celebrate it, and tell everyone about it. That’s not what I’m saying.

Did you know that there are a lot of options between judging and rejecting yourself, and embracing and celebrating yourself? If it’s something about yourself that you don’t want to keep, that you want to change, then rather than judge it, I recommend you just become curious about it, somewhat fascinated by it. When we do this we get the opportunity to really examine and understand it which is of course the best way to change it. So let me just say that again because this applies in so many of the topics that I talk about here on this podcast.

When you judge the part of yourself, when you’re ashamed and embarrassed about being embarrassed about your husband, then you lose access to actually change that part of you. You have to be curious and fascinated, and even sort of embrace it without thinking this is great, I want to be like this forever. You can still embrace something as like okay, so this is happening for me, this is interesting, I wonder what this is about. I wonder why this is coming up for me. What’s here, what’s available to me to learn here?

We’re going to talk more about that in a minute, but that’s step number one, you can’t shame yourself.

Step number two and this is really important to understand. You’re not embarrassed about your husband because of how your husband is. I promise you. You’re only embarrassed because of the story you have in your head, the thoughts that you’re thinking. Embarrassment is a feeling. It goes in the feeling line of our model, for those of you that have heard me teach the model. We feel the feeling, embarrassment because of thoughts that we’re thinking. Isn’t that crazy to think about with embarrassment?

Because embarrassment can be a really powerful emotion. I want you to imagine that you’re on a stage in front of thousands of people giving a talk, and you trip and fall. I don’t know about you, but I imagine I would feel a lot of embarrassment in that situation. But I wouldn’t be feeling embarrassed because I tripped and fell in front of thousands of people. I would only be feeling embarrassed because of what I would be thinking which is, oh my goodness, this is so embarrassing. I can’t believe I just fell. What are they all thinking? I’m such an idiot.

I shouldn’t even be on this stage, everybody just saw that. Why is falling so embarrassing to us, I wonder? What do we make it mean? I don’t know about you, but I make it mean I’m an idiot. When tripping and falling has nothing to do with my intellectual capacity, it has to do with my physical coordination and probably what shoes and clothes I’m wearing that day, what kind of flooring I’m walking on. It really has nothing to do with how smart I am, but for me that’s what I make it mean, I’m stupid. What do you make it mean?

I don’t know, it’s fascinating to think about. But what I know for sure is that we’re not embarrassed because we tripped and fell. We’re embarrassed because of what we’re thinking. I’ve told this story so you might have heard me say this, but I have to share this here. I went and saw Oprah speak at the forum in Inglewood, California. She did her WW tour right before COVID shut everything down. And I was able to go and see her and hear her speak and she had J Lo there, and it was an awesome day as you can imagine.

And the forum holds, I don’t know how many thousands of people. It’s a huge arena, a huge stadium. And Oprah tripped and fell on the stage in the middle of her talk, on accident in front of everyone. She just tripped and she went all the way down. She didn’t even kind of start to trip and catch herself. She literally fell on the stage in front of all of us. And everyone gasped. Your first thought is, oh no, is she okay? I hope she didn’t injure herself and then you see her start to get up and you think, okay. And then immediately what did we all feel?

I felt embarrassed for Oprah because I started thinking, oh my goodness how embarrassing. If that were me, I would be so embarrassed. And so, I actually felt a version of that discomfort, very different probably than what Oprah would have been feeling or what I would have felt had I been on that stage. But I felt my own discomfort because of what I was thinking and imagining what I would be thinking and feeling if I were her. But Oprah, I don’t know that she was embarrassed.

I think she was probably a little bit. But of course, she, like the pro that she is, she just stood up, she kicked off her shoes and she said, “I wore the wrong shoes.” And then she just kept going with her talk. And a little ways into it, she kind of looked backstage and said, “Could someone bring me some different shoes.” But she walked around barefoot, and she just went on with her talk and it was pretty amazing to see.

And I always think about that when I’m going to speak on a stage and I’m afraid I’m going to trip and fall. I’m like, “Well, Oprah did, so I guess it’s okay if you do.” Okay, so let’s get back to embarrassment about your husband, or your child, or your family member. Okay, you are not embarrassed because your husband tells terrible jokes, and nobody laughs. You’re not embarrassed because your husband doesn’t know how to interact with people at a party, or because he’s grumpy, or because he gets mad and has a fit in front of everyone, or because of his weight or anything else, or your child.

You’re only embarrassed because of what you’re thinking. What are you thinking? What is the sentence in your brain? I like to find one sentence even though I never have just one sentence happening. They are all happening rapid fire, non-stop. But I like to tell myself, what is the one sentence? Because otherwise my brain wants to make it very big, and complicated, and confusing. So when you’re doing your self-coaching just ask, what is the one sentence making me feel embarrassed? And you’ll find one. And it doesn’t have to be a right one.

Just find one that creates embarrassment. Now, if you’re not sure, a good way to find it is to ask, what am I making this mean about myself that’s making me feel embarrassed? Because embarrassment is sort of a version of shame. I think of embarrassment as, there’s definitely a lot of things wrong with me and now everybody’s going to see it. Isn’t that what it is? Because it’s not like if I were to trip and fall on the stage, it’s not like I would have just surprised myself knowing that I’m clumsy, and not smart, and not good at things all the time.

I already know that about myself. It’s just that I thought I was fooling everyone into thinking I was doing okay, and now I tripped and fall and now it’s like the curtain’s been lowered and they’re going to see the truth, which is that I’m kind of a mess. So, it’s sort of like, I thought I was hiding my imperfections and my shortcomings but now everyone can see them. That’s to me what embarrassment is.

So, if I see my husband at a party behaving in a way I don’t approve of, or whatever it is, or at church, not doing his calling the way I think he should and I’m feeling embarrassed. That means I’m making it mean something about me because if you’re in this situation, ask yourself this question. when you see someone else’s husband behaving that way, do you feel embarrassed? Maybe you still have some form of judgment but it’s probably not the same emotion which tells me that you’re making it mean something about you.

When your child does whatever your child’s doing, do you make it mean something about you? And if so, what is that? What is the sentence, I’m not a good mom? I’m not a good wife? Do you make your family’s behavior be a reflection on you? And if so, isn’t that fascinating? Again, don’t should yourself away from it or shouldn’t yourself away from it. Just let it be what it is. That’s interesting, I wonder why I’m making it mean something about me. My husband and I are not the same person. And I think everybody’s well aware of that.

But what is this part of me that thinks in some way that we are the same, or that we should be the same, or that maybe other people think? What is that? That is fascinating. Now, once you identify a sentence like that, then I like to take – maybe you have a couple sentences but try not to let it get too out of control and too confusing, just pick, a couple sentences. And then I like to take them in my hands and think of them like dough. I’m just going to knead them like dough. I think about playdoh or clay like my kids like to play with.

I can take that ball of clay and I can pack it all down into a tight ball or I can knead it between my fingers, and it will stretch out into a big long really flimsy piece of clay toward or dough, or eventually depending on what it’s actually made of, it might even crumble into little pieces. And that’s what I want to do with these thoughts is I don’t want to get mad at them. We can’t just in a lot of cases throw them out altogether. We have to just gently knead them. And the way that I do that with thoughts is I just start questioning everything beneath and around that thought or story.

So, if my thought is, well, I think that my husband not doing his calling in a certain way is a reflection on me in some way. Even though my logical brain knows that doesn’t really make very much sense, I’m going to give some space for it and I’m going to go, “That’s interesting, I wonder why. Where did that come from? It’s that something I was taught? Is that something that was modeled for me in my life?” And if so, is that really true? Do I want to keep that story? Do I tend to judge other people more than is probably appropriate by their spouses?

I mean I guess judging isn’t appropriate at all, but do I assess other people and decide who they are based on who their spouse is, or who their child is, or who their parents are? Do I make it mean something? And I like to observe in myself when I do because sometimes I do, you guys.

I just got called to be in Young Women’s in my ward which is super fun working with the girls. And this awesome girl gave a lesson in our Young Women’ class on Sunday and she did such an amazing job. And she’s a girl who I don’t know very well, and I don’t know her parents very well because they’ve only been in our ward – I think they moved in, in the middle of COVID. So, I haven’t gotten to know them super well. But this girl was so amazing, she did such a good job, and she just was sweet, had the most tender heart. And she’s smart and just amazing.

And I found myself looking at her mom thinking, she’s impressive that lady, well done. And I just go, “Isn’t that interesting? I’m making that girl’s behavior mean something about her mom.” Now, in this case, it’s positive judgment. I’m loving this girl and I’m loving and respecting her mom even more. But isn’t it interesting that I have linked the two? And do I do that in an inordinate amount? Because if so, then I’m going to do that when I see a child struggling, I’m going to make it mean something about the mom and does it?

Do I do that to a greater extent than what makes sense maybe? If so then I’m going to make my kid’s behavior mean something about me. This is all just really interesting. Does it mean that? And it makes sense that I would think that based on the way I’ve been taught, and based on the fact that actually parents to do have a lot of influence on children, so there’s that. I don’t need to just discount all of this. Do you see how I’m just kneading it in my hands? I’m just kind of pulling it apart. I’m not going, “That’s a terrible thought.”

I’m just like, “Interesting.” I can see where it comes from. I can see where it feels justified and maybe in some cases it is useful and maybe in other cases it’s not, and is that possible? And then even just the idea of what is ‘good behavior,’ or appropriate, or how should husbands, or kids, or people in our families be in the world, says who? It would be better, if you’re telling me it would be better if my husband was just more friendly and outgoing, and wanted to participate in social situations. That would be better, says who?

Who says that’s better? That’s different, that’s a different personality type, a different way to be in the world. Who says it’s better? And again, I don’t immediately throw it out like, no, it’s not better, it’s fine. I’m just like, “Interesting, this piece of playdoh is pretty interesting.” Maybe I learn this from the movies, from how a husband or a man is supposed to be in the world, about what’s attractive and best qualities to be for a grown man. Maybe I learned it from books. Maybe I learned it from my parents. Maybe I learned it, I don’t know.

Again, not that you have to spend a long time in that diagnosis part, but just what I’m trying to show you is that you have a good reason for what you’re believing. So, we don’t have to be mad at it or just throw it out. But just it is still just made up in the end. It is just a story. It is just a belief system we’ve been handed that says, it would be great if your husband could be this way, or if your child could be that way. It’s just all a thought. If my child is not that way then maybe it’s not a thought that’s serving me, maybe it’s not one I want to keep.

Sometimes the thoughts too in this scenario are about what you think other people are thinking. Here’s the thing, you might be right because other people grew up in a world where they picked up some of those same stories from the media, from their parents, from books, from wherever, from church even. We take things that could be really useful and helpful, and we use them against ourselves to create negative thoughts that cause us to suffer or reject our loved ones.

So, if your thoughts are about what other people may be thinking, where I find the greatest amount of peace is yeah, they might and that’s really none of my business. What do I think about my child, or my spouse, or myself? What do I want to believe? Because other people are totally allowed to believe whatever they want, and justified in their beliefs. What do I want to believe? What do I want to think? It’s none of my business.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had this experience like I have but a few times in my life I have met somebody, let’s just say it’s a man for example, because this has happened. I have a met a man who I’ve thought that guy would be tough to be married to, or that guy is annoying, and that’s a guy’s a lot, or that guy, whatever. Spoiler alert, I have judgment of people. So, I’ve had this situation where I’ve met a man who I have found to be difficult. And then I’ve met his wife who appears to genuinely love him and be happy being married to him.

And it makes me go, “That’s cool.” I have so much respect for that woman, and I just love the idea that we can love whoever we want, and that we do all love different types of people. And we’re all attracted and have different preferences and different things that we prefer when it comes to our spouse.

We don’t get to pick with our kids but even with kids I know women who have kids who we might say are difficult, who choose to embrace those kids and not in their minds make the kids wrong. It’s just the world is set up for a certain type of kid and a lot of kids don’t fall into that category in many ways. So, they just know, the world isn’t really designed for them in many cases and people don’t understand my child. But my child’s fine.

So that’s the work I want you to do. If you have a situation where your spouse, your child, your family member doesn’t fall into the ‘norm’ of what society says, challenge yourself to embrace all of that person because do you know what we’re here on Earth to do? We’re here on Earth to learn to love one another.

I heard Adam Miller, he has a new book called Original Grace, it’s so good. I highly recommended it. And he said this, “In our faith tradition we teach that life is a test.” And he says, “It is but it’s not a test of are you lovable, are you worthy. It’s a test of can you love, how well can you love others.” That is not an easy thing to do. When were embarrassed of others, we’re not loving them in that moment anyway. How much better can I get at loving? That’s the test.

Don’t be ashamed, this is our work to do. Know that it’s your thoughts creating it and then knead those thoughts like dough. And I promise you, they just sort of fall away. That story loses its grip on you eventually if you do that. Alright, thanks for joining me today, I will see next time, take care.

Hey there, if you enjoy this podcast or even if you just find that it sort of piques your curiosity, or it makes you think, you’re going to love the book that I wrote. It’s called Better Than Happy: Connecting with Divinity Through Conscious Thinking. And it’s available now at Amazon in print or kindle version. Or if you want me to read it to you, head over to audible and grab the audio version. And why not grab a copy for your sister, your best friend, or your mom while you’re there too. Just saying.