558. What Does It Look Like to Love Yourself?

What does it actually look like to love yourself? What does it sound like in your head? We love to talk about this in the world of self-help and personal development and mental health. We all understand that loving ourselves more, connecting with ourselves more, makes for a better life. It feels better. It’s a valuable thing to put your focus on. But what does that even mean? What are you supposed to do to make that happen? And how do you know if you’re doing it or you’re not doing it? That’s what we’re going to dive into today. It’s different than what most people think, and this is going to change everything if you choose to execute it. Welcome to Better Than Happy: What Does It Look Like to Love Yourself? Let’s go.

Welcome to Better Than Happy, the podcast where we transform our lives by transforming ourselves. My name is Jody Moore. In the decade-plus I’ve been working with clients as a Master Certified Coach, I’ve helped tens of thousands of people to become empowered. And from empowered, the things that seemed hard become trivial, and the things that seemed impossible become available, and suddenly, a whole new world of desire and possibility open up to you. And what do you do with that?

Well, that’s the question… what will you do? Let’s find out.

Sometimes, listening to a podcast is enough. But sometimes, you’ll feel inspired to go deeper. If you hear things that speak to you in today’s episode, consider it your invitation to a complimentary coaching workshop.

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Hey there everybody. Welcome to the podcast. Thanks for joining me today. I recently did what I call a VIP Power Coaching Day, which is where I bring in a bunch of my clients here to San Diego. We hang out together all day and we do some deep dive coaching and we get to discuss and really dive into things. And I am always just so filled up by the end of the day from getting to hang out with them, but also they leave with like their minds on fire. And they’re always just blown away at how much deeper this work can get when we spend a full day on it.

One of the things that came up in VIP Power Coaching this time was this question. They said, what does it even look like to love yourself? So many times when we’re looking at situations that come up in coaching, challenges in relationships, family issues, navigating money and goals and all of it, at the root of most of it is just if we loved ourselves more, if we had a better relationship with ourselves, most of these problems wouldn’t even exist anymore.

And so, of course, that begs the question. Well then, how do we do that? How do we know if we’re doing it? And that’s why I wanted to do a whole podcast episode on it. We talked about it on VIP Power Coaching day, but I wanted to share some of it with all of you here. So, first thing I want to acknowledge is that loving yourself, connecting with yourself is not something that you do and then you’re done with it. It’s not a checkbox, okay? It is something that will require ongoing maintenance.

Just like brushing your teeth and flossing your teeth, if you do that a couple times a week like I do, which is a big improvement from how often I used to do it, just saying. But anyway, dental care, right? Is something that I do regularly, but I still wake up every morning with bad breath, even if I brushed my teeth the night before. And there’s no point at which I go, hmm, brushed my teeth, done with that part of my life. I have to keep brushing and flossing ongoing because the way the human body works, the way my mouth works, the way teeth work, is that the bacteria’s going to come back, food’s going to get in there. I’m going to constantly need to keep brushing and flossing, etcetera, taking care of my oral hygiene. And this is true with this part of your mental health as well. For whatever reason, I don’t know the reason, I just know that healthy human behavior is such that we question our value, we easily disconnect with ourselves and we need routines of ongoing maintenance to reconnect.

Okay? I tell you that because I don’t want you to think something’s wrong with you when you go, wait a second, I thought I did this before. I did this work already of loving myself. Why am I struggling with it again? It’s because you’re a human being. It will be harder at times than others and it will require ongoing work for your entire life. I don’t know why God created us this way. I do think that it’s intentional though. I think there’s something about us having to overcome this and choose to believe it without really understanding why we’re worthy that is really good for us and brings us closer to being like God, right?

Okay, so, so many times clients say things to me like, I understand this when it comes to other people. I totally 100% believe that other people are worthy, that they don’t have to do anything to earn it. They don’t need to be any better. They can have weaknesses and shortcomings and it doesn’t impact their value or love ability and they don’t need to prove anything. But when it comes to me, I have a hard time believing it. I just, it doesn’t feel true for me, they say. And they tell me this kind of as though they’re like sharing some shocking revealing part of themselves that I’m going to go, what? That doesn’t make sense. If you believe it for other people, why don’t you believe it for yourselves? And I never react that way because I don’t feel that way because I understand that of course, it’s much easier for whatever reason to understand and believe and know this when it comes to other people than it is for yourself. For the majority of people. That’s not true for everyone, but for most people, it’s much easier to understand that when it comes to others. Okay?

So don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. Don’t be shocked by it. Don’t be alarmed or disturbed by it. Just understand you’re living in the human condition. And so we’re going to have to pay attention and do some work on it, but it’s okay and it will always be there a little bit. Only people with mental illnesses and other disorders don’t struggle with this and then they struggle with a bunch of other things instead, right?

Okay, next thing I want to clarify is that this is not just about you talking more positively to yourself. It is about that partly. It is about changing the dialogue in your head, changing the voice in your head to be less critical, less harsh, less judgmental. But that’s only a tiny, tiny part of it. And I don’t want it to turn into something that feels insincere or that you don’t believe. If you’re trying to just change your internal dialogue to sound like, good job, you’re doing a great job. I’m so proud of you. You’re a great mom, Jody. You’re a great podcaster, you’re a great. That is not going to be believable and actually it would be annoying. Think about hanging out with someone all day that just talked to you that way. It doesn’t feel real. It’s not very interesting. It’s not very connecting. And so yes, I want you to have some positive thoughts and positive dialogue, but it’s that’s barely scratching the surface of what we’re doing here.

Next, this is not about you changing yourself and improving yourself in some way so that you can be more worthy, more lovable, more acceptable to other people or even to yourself. This is a trap I see people fall into all the time in my line of work because they come to me for help, right? And I’m helping them get a handle on their thinking. I’m helping them get a handle on their emotions. I’m helping them deal with whatever challenges they’re having and achieving the goals they want to achieve.

And so it’s fun work to do, but then they start feeling bad and saying, once I get this, once I make this change, once I’m able to really understand it and execute it and implement it, then I’ll just feel better. And I’m like, whoa, we’re not doing this out of a rejection of your current self. We’re doing this just because you want to have a different experience. If you want a different experience, you want to try things, you want to evolve, you want to make certain things easier, cool. I will help you do that all day long.

But when you do that because you think there’s something wrong with where you’re at now, that where you’re at’s not good enough, that you don’t understand it well enough, you haven’t gotten it or that you need other people to approve of this part of you, that is coming from a rejection of yourself. Do you see that? That’s not what I’m talking about here. Truly loving and embracing and connecting with yourself is about embracing yourself.

So that’s what I want to talk about next. I want to give you five things to consider that will help you to truly love yourself, okay? So, the first thing is to just start acknowledging yourself. Just see yourself. It sounds too simple to make a difference, but it makes a huge difference. If you never take the time to slow down and make eye contact with yourself in a mirror or wherever else, a phone camera, wherever else you choose to do it, if you never stop and pause and acknowledge yourself from just a place of seeing. It doesn’t even have to be positive thinking, but let’s not make it negative and critical. Let’s just see ourselves. If you’re never doing that, you’re going to feel unseen at some point. And you’re going to wonder why the people in your life aren’t giving you more attention or aren’t listening to you more and aren’t acknowledging your struggles or your wins or appreciating your successes. You’re going to start wondering why other people aren’t doing it is an indicator that you’re not doing it.

You need to be the one to do it for you. Do you know why? Your own approval is actually the only one you truly seek. The reason we think we want everyone else to approve of us is because when other people tell me I’m great, sometimes I give myself permission to then believe that I am great and I might take a moment and let that soak in. But you already have permission to believe that you’re great. You have permission to appreciate you. You have permission to acknowledge and see you and validate that yes, certain things are hard and you’re struggling in certain ways and you see that and it’s okay. Just like you would do for another person you love.

So, I like to have a practice of doing this every day at least one time. Usually when I’m brushing my teeth or getting ready in the morning or washing my face at night. I’m already in front of the mirror, so I just take a moment to look into my own eyes, to have a little internal dialogue like, hey, how are you doing? Nice to see you again. Doesn’t always sound that formal, right? But that’s the idea. How are you doing? I see you. Good day today or rough day today. Thanks for what you’re doing. I’m not mad at you. I love you. Or I’m so proud of you. Well done. I knew you could do it. Or I thought today was going to go differently, but I still love you. Do you need something from me? What do you need me to remind you of or tell you that I haven’t told you in a long time?

Just that question alone, what do you need from me? You ask yourself, will be a game changer if you’re willing to take the time to stop and ask it. And this doesn’t need to take a long time. I’m giving you lots of possible questions, but I usually ask myself one or two. I usually acknowledge myself. I might even respond to my own thinking. Hey, good job today. And then I respond with, thanks.

That’s it. It’s so simple that it will feel trivial. It will feel like it doesn’t matter, but if you do this consistently, like every day, you will feel like a different person. You will wonder why you suddenly aren’t worried about what people think to the same extent that you used to. You’ll still be a human. It’ll be some of it, but it will be just so quiet. And even when people start acknowledging you and complimenting you and liking you in whatever way, it will feel good, but not like it used to. Because you won’t be starving for it anymore. You’ll appreciate it. You’re still a healthy human being, right? But it won’t feel like a drink of water when you’re so thirsty. It’ll just feel like a sip of water when you’re already well hydrated. All right. So that’s number one. Acknowledge yourself. Look yourself in the eyes.

Number two, be kind and honest to yourself in appropriate proportions. This is what I recommend in your interactions with other people too. Be kind and honest. Never be so kind you forget to be honest, but never be so honest you forget to be kind. What does it sound like to be kind and honest? If I’ve totally dropped the ball in some way in my life, I didn’t show up, I didn’t try, then I say to myself, hey, girl, what’s going on? I thought you were going to execute in this way today. It didn’t happen. I’m not mad at you, but can we have a conversation? What went wrong? What are you needing? What are you feeling? What are you struggling with? I’m here for you. I got you. Let’s try to make it better in the future, but what can I do to support you in that? And I love you exactly as you are, right? Notice kind and honest. Sometimes the kindness will come easier. Some days the honesty will be more necessary in higher proportions, but you can be kind with honesty, and it’s the best way to connect with another person and the best way to connect with yourself.

So we’re acknowledging our weaknesses even. We’re acknowledging our shortcomings. I have weaknesses and shortcomings and you probably will too that I don’t even try to improve upon right now. I’m just like, meh, I don’t know, not good at that. Never have been. Maybe I never will be because right now I don’t care to work on it, but I’m not mad at myself about it. I have lots of strengths too, and I also don’t think that I’m amazing because of my strengths. I think that I’m amazing just because God created me. And then these strengths make my life easier and I get to use them in certain ways. And my weaknesses, which are just my strengths overused by the way, that’s a whole another topic for another day, but my weaknesses sometimes make my life harder, but I’m not mad at myself about them. You see what I mean?

So it’s embracing all of you to love yourself. It’s not like, I like this part and I don’t like this part, but at least I have this part. It’s all of this, bring it in. I’ll take all of it. Here I am. I’m a complicated, dynamic mess of thoughts and feelings and yes to all of it. Let’s understand it. Let’s be curious about it. Let’s not reject it. Now, if I want to work on a weakness, it’s not because I need to love myself. It’s because I want to and it would be cool to change this and overcome this and get rid of this challenge in my life. But I love me anyway. And if I never am able to do it, not going to be mad at me. You see what I’m saying?

Number three, appreciation and gratitude. That’s it. So simple. How often do you take the time to be grateful to yourself? Most people walk around going, I never do this, I never finish what I start. And I say, never? I don’t believe you. I think you actually finish way more things that you start than you don’t finish. And who’s to say finishing is always the best thing? Maybe sometimes you got what you needed out of it. You engaged with the project or the book or the whatever it was, and that was all you were ever wanting to get out of it. And now you’re choosing to move on. And that’s okay too. But you can be mad at yourself and you can give yourself this identity of I never finish what I start, or not. It’s optional, right? So if you’re going to notice your weaknesses, which is our default, right?

Negativity bias is strongest within our relationship with ourself. But that’s fine, but can we balance it out with gratitude also? Can you also notice how many things you started today that you did finish? Like you started making lunch and you finished making lunch. You started getting dressed and you finished. You started your shower and you finished your shower. You started taking the kids to school and you finished taking them to school. Right? Like you actually finish way more things than you don’t finish. So if you’re going to be critical of the ones you don’t, at least take the time to be grateful for the ones that you do.

And obviously, there’s so many opportunities to be grateful to yourself, but I just wonder how many people, again, this could happen when you’re making eye contact in the mirror, how many people actually stop and go, hey girl, or hey dude, thanks for that. You can think back to yourself 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 50 years ago, and notice what he or she did for you and thank you. Do you ever do that? Or do you just notice where they dropped the ball and where they made your life harder today? Let’s at least keep a balance. And remember that negativity weighs heavier in our brain. So for every negative, critical thing you’re going to acknowledge about yourself, you probably need at least seven to 10 positive things. Keep a balance. And you’ll be surprised how far just a little bit of gratitude goes. Just a little bit, especially if it’s unexpected. All right.

Next, number four. Believe in yourself. You’re allowed to believe in yourself. What do I mean by that? Whatever it is that you want to accomplish, whatever you’re setting out to do, you’re allowed to just believe that you’re capable of achieving it. You don’t have to have proof. You don’t have to have examples. You don’t have to have permission from anyone else to just decide, I think I’m capable of this thing. The other thing you don’t have to have is to know the way how. You don’t have to have the skills yet. You don’t even have to be the person who’s capable of doing it. You can just decide I’m capable of becoming the person who’s capable of doing it and I’m going to go learn the things I need to learn. And until I learn them, I don’t know how to do them, but I could become a person who knows how to do it. And I’m going to just choose to believe in me. You’re allowed to. I highly recommend it. It’s one of the most loving things that you can do for a person is to believe in their ability to achieve whatever they desire to achieve. And you can believe in that yourself as well.

And once again, this does not need to come from a rejection of where you currently are. It has to come from an embracing of where you currently are. And you know how you know if you’re rejecting yourself? I like to ask myself, wait a second. If I go try to change this thing or become this thing or achieve this thing and I can’t get there, can I love myself even if I never get there my whole life? If the for the rest of my life in this area, I stay exactly where I am, can I still just love me? And if the answer’s not yes, I got to work on it. I got to work on loving me exactly as I am and remind myself, listen, you could stay where you are in this area your entire life and I will love you. Period. You’re lovable exactly as you are. From that place, when you decide to evolve and grow and learn and try and achieve, it becomes fun. The pressure’s off. We don’t need to do it to prove something to ourselves. We get to do it because we’re alive and because we have access to a lot of cool things and because we’re capable. That’s what it looks like to love yourself.

And then finally, and I’ve touched on this a little bit, but I just want to make sure and bring it all home because this is the most important one. It’s embracing all of yourself. It’s embracing the emotions that you’re feeling, not rejecting them, not pushing them away, not telling yourself you need to be more positive, you shouldn’t be sad about this, you should get over this, you shouldn’t take it personally. None of that is loving yourself and none of that is helping either. It’s not helping you chill out. You have to embrace like, oh, I’m very upset about this. I’m very emotional about this. I’m taking this very personally. Okay, I see what I’m doing. Again, I always want you to keep the credit for what you’re experiencing, because you’re always creating your experience internally with your thoughts and then your emotions, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It doesn’t even mean it would be better if you weren’t doing this or that if we just fix and tweak something or really understand this well enough, then you won’t do it. You’re a human being with human emotions, you’re going to have a full human experience. And that’s going to include sometimes you creating what is not an ideal experience for yourself. Can you love yourself then?

Yes, love yourself when you’re doing it well and you’re succeeding and you’re winning and you had a great day. But love yourself even harder when you’re struggling. Because you know why we struggle? Because we’re not feeling loved. We don’t understand our value. We’re having a hard time seeing it. That’s when you need your love even more. And that’s when you will truly understand that loving yourself, again, requires ongoing work, but it’s available to you. It’s simpler than you might think.

Just like brushing your teeth becomes a routine and a habit, and even though you got to keep doing it, it just becomes something you do, same with this concept of loving yourself. The more you do it, the easier it will get. And you will find your own routines and patterns and habits and behaviors and you might do it differently than me. Maybe you like to journal. You might have different practices, but I would highly encourage you to dive in and try it out. It will only make your life better. Let me know how it goes.

Thanks for joining me today everyone, and I’ll see you next time on another episode. Take care.

Oh wow, look at that. You made it to the end. Your time and attention is valuable, and I don’t take it lightly that you made it this far. In fact, it tells me you might be like me; insatiably curious about people and life and potential and connection. Maybe you have big dreams but a small budget and no time. You’re tired, but bored. You’re content, but dissatisfied. Sound familiar? Come to a free coaching call and see for yourself what’s possible: JodyMoore.com/freecoaching to register. That’s JodyMoore.com/freecoaching.