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What do you do when you want something, but your spouse doesn’t want what you want? Whether this is something you want to buy, or a change you want to make in your life like moving somewhere new or having more kids, it’s natural to want your spouse to be on board, but what do you do if they’re not budging this time?
It’s very tempting during situations like these to move into resentment, frustration, and self-pity. However, this isn’t going to get you closer to what you want. Just doing the thing without their agreement leads down a bad road as well, so listen in to discover how to deal with this disagreement in a way that works for everyone involved.
You and your partner both want to feel good about a choice you’re making, so tune in this week because I’m sharing why what you and your husband want aren’t actually all that different, and how to figure out a solution that serves both you and your spouse when you come up against a difference in desire.
Coaching has profoundly impacted my life and the lives of so many others. However, coaching is kind of difficult to describe. It’s easier to show you, so if you want to give coaching a try, you can come get a sample for just $19! Over five days in January, I’m holding a coaching intensive called Get Your Goal. You can come and get coached, you can watch others get coached, and it might just change your life.
If you enjoy this podcast or even if you just find that it sort of piques your curiosity, or it makes you think, you’re going to love the book that I wrote. It’s called Better Than Happy: Connecting with Divinity Through Conscious Thinking. It’s available now on Amazon in print or kindle version.
What You’ll Learn on this Episode:
- Why resentment and frustration when a disagreement occurs can only lead to you and your spouse going to war.
- How, though it seems you and your spouse have a big difference of opinion, what the two of you want isn’t truly that different.
- The power of opening yourself up to the idea that you and your spouse don’t have to compromise on your desires.
- An example from my own life of both me and my husband getting what we wanted in the end.
- 3 specific areas you need to consider when you’re making decisions that affect other people in your life.
Mentioned on the Show:
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I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 391, When Your Husband Doesn’t Want What You Want.
Did you know that you can live a life that’s even better than happy? My name is Jody Moore. I’m a master certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And if you’re willing to go with me I can show you how. Let’s go.
Hi, everybody, welcome to the podcast. When your husband doesn’t want what you want, or when your wife doesn’t want what you want, or when your business partner doesn’t want what you want. That’s what we’re going to talk about today. And I’m very excited to talk to you about this topic. And I have a lot of thoughts and a lot to share with you on it. I want to make sure that you’re registered to join me for Get Your Goal because we start Monday the 23rd of January which is in a couple of days from when this episode goes live.
What this is, is a course that I put together for those of you who are coaching curious. There’s a shop here in Spokane, I just have to disclose this, a shop here in Spokane that is a marijuana dispensary and their logo says, ‘Guiding the Cannabis Curious’ which is such a brilliant way to market your cannabis shop. And that’s how I’m thinking about this workshop, it is for the coaching curious. So just like that cannabis curious store is people who are like, “I don’t know if I’m really the kind of person who takes cannabis on the regular. I don’t know if I want to be that person but I am kind of curious.”
Maybe that’s how you feel about coaching. You’re like, “I don’t know about coaching, I don’t know. I like this podcast.” Obviously you wouldn’t be listening to this podcast if you didn’t kind of like coaching. But I just don’t know that I’m the kind of person that needs that really. I don’t know that I need more than this. Or I don’t know if I want to open up about what’s going on for me to a coach but I’m kind of curious. Come to get your goal because you will see what it’s like to be coached.
And you can get coached, we always have a lot of people who want to get coaching. So come if you want to get coaching and raise your hand but you don’t have to be the one getting coached to see what it’s like to be coached, and to get the benefit of coaching. That’s the great thing about coaching so anyway head to jodymoore.com/intensive and join me there if you’re sort of curious about coaching.
Okay, I want to talk about what to do when you want something and your husband doesn’t want it and this might be literally something you want to buy. It might be a decision or a change that you want to make in your life like maybe you want to stop homeschooling and send the kids to public school and your husband doesn’t want you to. He wants you to keep homeschooling or maybe you want to move to a certain place, move to a different house, move to a new city.
Maybe you want to buy a new car, maybe you want to make a change like this, the kind of change that is a big enough change or purchase that for most of us we want to be onboard with our spouse. So what do you do if you don’t see eye to eye? I have coached a lot of people on these scenarios. I’ve coached a lot of people who are like, “I really want to have more kids, my spouse doesn’t want to.” Or, “I don’t want more kids and my spouse really wants them.” These kinds of big life changes, that need to be made as a couple and yet nobody’s budging. What do you do?
Well, let’s begin with what not to do. It is very tempting to move into resentment, and frustration, and self-pity, it’s very tempting to, I get it my friends but there’s no upside to that. Being frustrated and resentful at your spouse for not seeing it your way only causes us to dig our heels in and go to war. And maybe you’re not literally being rude, or fighting, or yelling, maybe you are but maybe you’re not. But going to war can look like a lot of things. Going to war basically though looks like I’m on one side and you’re on the other. And I’m the good guys and you’re the bad guys.
And we are at odds. And I’m going to try to conquer you. And that conquering might be trying to talk them into it, trying to sell them on it, trying to get them to see it your way. Now, what happens when we try to get someone to see something our way? They do the same thing. They dig their heels in and become even more justified in their opinion and position and start being on the lookout for more reasons why their version is correct, their decision, their choice, their desire is correct.
And now we have what we call a lose/lose situation because everybody’s getting further apart from one another instead of coming closer together, not to mention we’re getting more angry usually and resentful in the process. So try to avoid that. And I’m going to give you some alternatives but I just want to point out that while that feels so justified it ultimately doesn’t serve you because it’s not getting you what you want. It’s not going to get you closer to having what you want in your life, having that decision, having that result, having that change with peace.
The other thing I don’t love and sometimes maybe there is a time for this, maybe you put your foot down and say, “Forget it, I’m going to do what I want anyway.” But I don’t love that approach. I don’t love and I don’t think it’s what certainly my clients don’t ever want that, when they come to me. My guess, it’s not what any of you want to say, “Well, I’m going to do whatever I want and you’ll just have to deal with it.” In a sort of an argumentative contentious type of way. I don’t think that’s necessary.
And most people think those are the only two options and those are not the only two options, or I should say, most people think the third option is we just throw our hands up and go, “Well, forget it, I guess we’ll just go with what you want again.” And we constantly give in and we constantly sacrifice what we want. Those three options are not your only options but they’re the ones that most people go to without some thought and attention from a life coach. But you are listening to a life coach today so I want to give you some alternatives.
I want you to consider that what you want and what your spouse wants is not all that different even if let’s say, let’s just make up a scenario we can play with. Let’s say you want to spend this money to go on a vacation and your spouse doesn’t want to spend the money. Maybe your spouse (a) doesn’t want to spend the money and (b) doesn’t even like travelling, he doesn’t want to leave home. Let’s make that the scenario. I’ve coached on this before.
First of all what you want and what your spouse wants is not all that different, I’ll tell you why. You don’t just want to go on this vacation and spend the money on it. What you also want is for your spouse to be happy and feel good about the decisions that you’re making in your life with your money and in your family. How do I know you want that? Because if you didn’t you would just go with the alternative like well, I’m going on a trip, love you honey, I’ll see you later, I don’t care how you feel. You would just do it if you didn’t care how he felt.
So you want yes, you want to go on this trip but also you want your spouse to feel good about the decision and how you’re spending your money and what you’re doing and to enjoy, ideally would enjoy that time with you on the trip. So you do want your spouse to actually have what he or she wants or needs as well. Are you with me? Okay, so begin with that, begin by telling yourself the truth because when you recognize like, listen, I care about what the people I love think. I care about my spouse’s opinion. I care what my husband thinks about these decisions.
And I want to make decisions that we both feel good about, ideally we will make decisions most of the time and we both will feel good about the decisions. That’s not going to happen all of the time but that is what we ultimately want.
And then step two, and that is possible. That is possible, we can both feel like we’re getting our needs met. We can both feel like we’re able to live our lives in the way that we want to. What I want is to come closer to where he is, not dig my heels in and come closer and build a stronger case from my point, but to better understand what he wants because ultimately what I want is for us to both feel good about the choice. So I like to in this situation, I can stay there in my head pretty well because I believe that it’s possible.
I believe that even though there are many things that I feel one way about, my husband feels another. I know that in time we will come to an understanding. I know that we will be able to figure out a solution that serves both of us. And it might not happen right away. It might not happen even as quickly as I wish it would but at some point in our lives we will figure out how to accommodate both of our desires, especially if I know that my desire is good, and pure. And I love desires that I don’t even know where they came from.
There are certain things that just make me emotional and light me up inside when I think about them, certain cities to live in, or things to try, or places to go, or things to do that I just get this feeling of that feels like home to me. I feel called to it. And if my husband doesn’t feel called to it and it’s not a situation where I want to just be like, “See you, I feel called to live here.” Then I just trust that that desire that I have within me is good and my husband’s desires are good and not the same as mine.
And we will figure out at some point how to both create what we want and need in our lives together, and to honor each other, and to serve each other. And it doesn’t mean I’m giving up on my desires but I also can’t expect him to give up on his. And sometimes opening myself up to just there is a way though and I wonder what that way is, helps me to eventually find that way. Life sends us in the right direction.
And here’s the thing you’ve got to keep in mind too. The things that we think we desire sometimes we get so specific, sometimes we have to loosen our grip a little bit on the specificity of them. Like if I think I really want to live in a certain city, or I want to go on this vacation and spend this money, I might have to loosen my grip a little and recognize that what I really want is adventure, and excitement, and entertainment, and exploration, and a break from my routine.
And maybe that’s going to come through a vacation like this, or maybe I’m going to find it in another way because I also want my spouse to feel good about whatever decision we end up making. So loosen your grip on the specifics but decide that at some time in some way you’re going to figure out how to get exactly what you want, which is your needs and your spouse’s are met.
Okay, now, the other component that’s important to remember is that there are I think, three categories. Sometimes what I see happen is people who are constantly like, “Well, we just do that because that’s what he wants.” And they’re not considering their own desires enough and that’s not healthy either. I don’t want you digging your feet in and becoming really stubborn about what you want but I also don’t want you to ignore what you want. So I like to think about it as these three categories of things that I want to consider when I make decisions.
Because the world right now, a lot of people in the world anyway are teaching, no, you’ve got to honor your desires. You’ve got to live your truth. You do you. And it’s this sort of like who cares what anybody else thinks, I’m going to do what I want. And that discounts the other two categories. I do want you to consider what you think but I want you to remember there are two other things that matter as well. There are one I already talked about, what the people you love desire or the people that you care about, the people that are affected by this decision, what they desire.
But your desires matter as well and so does your value system. That is the third category. What are your values? Some people will describe that as what does God want for me. And if that’s helpful you can describe it that way. For me that sends me into a spin of confusion, and I don’t know, and all kinds of other nonsense. So I don’t really think about it that way. I think about it as does this align with my highest values, with who I want to be in the future with my highest self?
Because that’s what God wants for me ultimately is to become a higher version of me, a more divine version of me. That’s why I’m here on Earth I believe. So that’s the way I think about it. does this align with my highest self and with me becoming more Christlike? So those three things matter, what do the people I love desire, what do I desire and does this align with my highest value system, with my best values, period, and becoming my best self?
And when you consider all three of those things, then you realize that maybe this aligns with your values and you really desire it, but your spouse doesn’t, which means you’re choosing not to move forward with it right now. And you’ve got to remember that, you’ve got to take the ownership for your choice because you could at any time throw your hand up and say, “I’ve got to live my truth, sorry that you don’t like it.” And again maybe that’s appropriate at times but mostly it’s not.
Mostly it’s I want this and it aligns with my values but my spouse doesn’t want it and therefore I don’t choose it right now. I choose to open myself up to, I wonder what is the way that I will be able to pursue what I desire and I’ll be able to honor what my spouse wants. I wonder what, I wonder when, I wonder how. And be open to that. I’m going to give you a tiny example and I know some things are bigger than this. I know, again, some of you are trying to have more children, or make a move, or things like this that are, I’m not trying to diminish those decisions.
But I think an example is useful and years ago my daughter decided that she really wanted a cat. And I know about cats. I was raised with cats and so I said, “Yeah, I think we should get a cat.” And my husband’s like, “No, I don’t want a cat. Cats shed, so their hair is all over, they tear up the furniture. They’re just, like, no, we’re not getting a cat.” And I remember doing this work on myself to just not get resentful, and not dig my heels in, and not be mad. But I was just like, “We’re going to have a cat.”
And again, and I’m not going to go against my husband but I feel like at some point he’s going to come around. So I was just very patient but I didn’t let it die out. I brought it up from time to time. I talked about it with a lot of respect. I said, and by the way I don’t always do this. So I’m using this example but there are plenty of others where I haven’t done it well. I said, “Honey, I understand that you don’t want a cat, but I really think it might be a good thing for our kids and our family, and I think it could be fun to have a cat. Let’s talk about it again. Tell me why.”
Instead of let me tell you why we should have a cat I said, “Tell me what your concerns are.” And I didn’t just hear them so that I could counterargue with them. I heard them so that I could go, “Oh yeah, that makes sense, you know, I actually hadn’t even thought about that. I want to think about that one for a little bit and then let’s talk again.” And I totally heard him and validated where he was at. And after about 10 months of this at one point he finally decided, “Alright, let’s get a cat.” And now we have Oscar.
And I dare say Jake loves Oscar more than any of us, or at least he takes Oscar to the vet. He definitely loves Oscar, maybe as much as all of us. And it doesn’t always work out that way. That’s a nice example where in the end I got what I wanted. But I do find that either it ends up that way or what I want shifts and ends up aligning with what my husband want and I’m happy about it when I approach it this way. Because I, when I’m doing this well, open myself up to aligning with what he wants because that is ideal. If we both want the same things it just makes life a lot easier.
And sometimes I’m able to slowly nurture through a lot of respect and listening, my husband into wanting what I want. And other times I’m able to get myself over to wanting what he wants. And either way we end up in a win/win. I promise you this is available to you. I have other things in my life right now that I’m like, I kind of want this decision and my husband doesn’t and I’m just letting it be there and I’m not making him wrong in my mind and I’m not getting angry. I’m considering that actually even he’s right and maybe I do actually want what he wants.
But some days I want what I want, I’m not telling myself to just dismiss that either. And I find that to be a really peaceful place, really useful in my marriage and really useful in ultimately getting what we all want. Alright, good luck with this my friend. If you have questions on it, bring it to a coaching intensive. I would love to help you with it. Head to jodymoore.com/intensive. Alright, I’ll see you next time, take care.
Hey there, if you enjoy this podcast or even if you just find that it sort of piques your curiosity, or it makes you think, you’re going to love the book that I wrote. It’s called Better Than Happy: Connecting with Divinity Through Conscious Thinking. And it’s available now at Amazon in print or kindle version. Or if you want me to read it to you, head over to audible and grab the audio version. And why not grab a copy for your sister, your best friend, or your mom while you’re there too. Just saying.
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