350. The Best of Ask Jody

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 350: The Best of Ask Jody.

Did you know that you can live a life that’s even better than happy? My name is Jody Moore. I’m a master certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And if you’re willing to go with me I can show you how. Let’s go.

Hello, friends, welcome to the podcast. Thank you for being here, for tuning in, for sharing, for reviewing, and rating, and following, and subscribing, and all the things that we podcasters are always asking you to do. I so appreciate it.

So, first thing I want to let you know is that in about a month from when this episode drops, I’m doing a live three day intensive coaching retreat with my sister, Natalie Clay who is also an amazing coach. And we couldn’t be more thrilled and excited about it. And by the time this episode drops I do not know if there will be any seats left but there might be.

So, if you want to check it out, if you want to come and hang out with Natalie and I for three days in Dana Point, California and do some really deep dive coaching and redesign a portion of your life or get moving on a goal or something then it’s going to be very fun and it’s a onetime one and done retreat that we’re doing. So, you can head to jodymoore.com/redesign and get all the details there. If it’s sold out we’ll just put sold out on the page.

Here’s what we’re doing in today’s episode. So, in the Be Bold program there is a place where you can ask a coach a question. And myself and my team of amazing coaches answers all of those questions. So, you could have 10 questions in a day if you want and we will answer them all. You probably won’t but my point is that we are right there for all of our clients in Be Bold to take care of you, anything that comes up in your life.

And some people utilize that just because of timing purposes, that they don’t want to come and bring it to a live call. And others just are more shy, they don’t want to come on a live call or maybe they’re going through something intensive, they need a lot more personal attention. And we can actually do some really amazing work right there in writing. And that is our Ask a Coach page. It used to be in the beginning just me answering all those questions until we got to where I couldn’t keep up on all of it and it’s now Ask A Coach.

But we created a book back when it was just me doing the questions. We pulled a whole bunch of really awesome amazing questions that cover the kinds of topics that we know a lot of people are struggling with. And the answers that I gave, what used to be the Ask Jody page. And we published them all in a book that called The Best of Ask Jody. And this is not a book that you can buy. It’s a book that we send out to all of our Be Bold members when they hit elite status which is one year in the program.

So those of you that are elite have this book, or it will be coming when you hit elite status. And I’m looking at it right now and the picture on the cover is a little bit dated. Maybe we should update the cover. But at any rate, what I wanted to do today is I pulled a handful of those questions and my answers that I wanted to share with you because it’s the real life questions and real life application where I think people get the most benefit from the things that I teach and the work that I’m trying to do.

And so, I thought that would be a good way for us to spend our time together. So please indulge me while I read you some of these. I tried to pull questions that would cover a variety of topics. But again, the ones that I tend to get the most commonly both from people within Be Bold and just podcast listeners in general. And so, I think you’ll find this to be really useful. The first question that I got, and you’ll find that the questions vary in length because on the Ask A Coach page you can ask a short question, you ask a really long question if you want to.

And our answers will vary in length based on what we think would best help you. But anyway, this first question, the title of the question is, my health and weight. And it says, “I want to want to take really good care of myself, putting myself on the priority list, not treating my body like a trashcan and feeling like I am worthy. Yet I feel I just sabotage myself over and over. What can I do to get past the want to stage and do something about it?”

Here is my answer. You have to want to first, wanting to want to is a good first step. But the next step isn’t action, it’s actually wanting to. Wanting is such an interesting emotion. It’s sort of painful because most of us have learned to want to from black. We should want what we don’t have. But you don’t have to. Wanting from abundance creates a better result.

So, what if you decided that you love you and you love your body and then you tried to take good care of it. Most people believe that taking care of it will then give us a reason to love it. But it has to go in reverse to be successful. Love your body and then see if you can generate some want.

This next question is called, fighting with my husband. “We have been married for 15 years and we have four kids. Over the years we’ve been married we’ve had some pretty intense fights. We yell and scream and there’s a lot of crying on my part. We try not to do it in front of our kids, I especially have tried very hard to work on not fighting in front of them. My husband agrees that it isn’t good to fight in from them but he still gets upset at me and raises his voice in front of our children.

I’ve started to leave the room and go to my bedroom when this happens so that we don’t fight in front of them. He will follow me and continue the fight most of the time. Our kids are getting older and are more aware of the situation and I worry what impact this will have on them. I would like to know how to best handle the situation. I would love to stop fighting with my husband but I especially don’t want to do it in front of our children. What is the best way to handle things when my husband is angry and raises his voice at me?

I’m not saying it’s all his fault that we fight. Most of the time though he is the first one to raise his voice and yell. We have been to some counseling in the past but are not currently seeing anyone. I think we could both use help on how to communicate our feelings better. It seems like we have a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunication. When he first starts yelling or getting angry, what are some phrases I can say to diffuse the situation so we can both remain calm and talk about things in a calm manner?

I feel like I am able to stay calm for a while until he says something that really upsets me and I start yelling back, which leads to me getting upset and I start crying and melting down. I would like to avoid these situations in the future and when disagreements arise I want us to be able to handle them calmly and without yelling and melting down especially in front of our children. Think you.”

Here is my answer. I want you to think of this situation as a dance that you and your husband do. He is angry and eventually you end up angry and you’re both yelling. If you change your role then the dance ultimately changes. It will feel very uncomfortable and you’ll want to say it’s too hard, you don’t know how, and if he would just not say those things then you could do it. But you can do it. And when you do the entire dance will change.

The first act of war is defense. So, if he is mad and you don’t want to engage in war then you don’t get mad back, you remain calm and rational. You leave the room if you want to leave the room. If he follows you then you tell him you are going for a drive until he is calm, not to punish him because you love him. And you want to talk calmly, and rationally, and grow closer together. And it’s challenging to do when he is mad.

So, you tell him you want to be alone and you leave the house if necessary. If you never get mad and yell then your kids will be witnessing a valuable lesson, that getting angry and yelling is optional, always. Even if someone else acts that way first, you can disagree, and have opinions, and discuss things tall day long and anger and yelling don’t have to be a part of it. What a great gift you can give them.

Alright, the next question is titled, want to visit a friend. It says, “I live in Idaho, and I have a very good friend that moved to Texas. She is missing Idaho a lot and I want to go visit her but I’m worried to tell my husband. I feel like he will be mad about it, that it’s too expensive and that I want to travel all the time and be away from the family. What can I do to build confidence in myself and not worry about his reaction?”

My answer. Plan on him being mad about it, then decide what you want to think, and feel, and do. What will you say? What will you think about that will enable you to say what you want to say? Picture it ahead of time and have a go to thought. Here are a few ideas. It’s okay for him to be mad, he means well. He’s coming from a good place and I can love him for that and still take care of me. I will be open to seeing it his way and that doesn’t mean I have to change my mind. I love him, I love me, I love us. I’m not responsible for his emotions. I am responsible for my own.

Okay, this next one is called, how do I forgive my brother and help my sister? It says, “I’m feeling stuck, my relationship with my older brother has always been strained and we haven’t ever really gotten along. He was not very nice to me growing up. And while I had thought I had moved on last summer, after lightly talking about the crazy stuff my brother did, my dad asked me if my brother had ever apologized for how he treated me and my sister. He has never apologized.

Then to make things worse my sister who is not active in the church and very opposed to it, finally opened up to me and told me that my brother molested her when she young. Since telling me I urged her to tell our parents and she did. And she also has confronted our brother through an email but he denied everything. So now what? I can’t just say, “Well, I choose how I feel.”

Here is my answer. Yes, you can. You do get to choose how you feel. Do you want to forgive your brother? Or first do you want to feel appalled? You get to choose and there is no right answer. But I personally would want to be appalled, and hurt, and sad for a while. But then eventually yes, forgiveness. It’s the only option unless you want to grow bitter, not forgiving him might feel justified to you but it only punishes you. Why should you punish you for his choices?

Love is always the answer, love for your sister, just love her, be there for her and ask her what she wants and needs from her sister and then be willing to be that. She might want to be left alone. If so, do that. She might want someone to complain to, if so, be that someone. Just love her and be whatever she wants you to be in her life. Then love your brother when you’re ready. It’s totally available. I have worked with many victims of physical and sexual abuse. When they’re ready forgiveness is the best gift they give themselves.

Okay, this next question is called, not connecting in my marriage. “I have been working on the marriage stuff you talk about, particularly meeting my own needs and not relying on my husband to do or say what I need. It’s really been helping. But now it seems like we aren’t really connecting. I used to think we should spend our evenings together to connect and bond but he likes using that time to do his own thing, be on his computer, relax.

Now I’ve become totally fine with that, and have found ways to enjoy my evenings on my own, so much that I actually don’t even want to hang out with him in the evenings. So now it seems like we just live our lives orbiting around each other, chatting with each other when the kids are awake but almost never when they’re down for the night. It’s as if any connection we had before was happening because I needed it.

I feel like we are neglecting our marriage but neither of us actually care enough to do something about it because we’re doing our own things so much. We’re happy enough and not fighting or anything, just not connected. How can I balance meeting my own needs but also the guilt I feel that we aren’t doing more together, dating, talking, sex etc., that strengthens our marriage?”

Here is my answer. Now that you’ve figured out how to meet your own needs you’re ready for step two, having crazy fun together. You probably forgot how to do that with all the needs, and all the kids, and life. Many couples forget how to do that. And actually, you don’t have to remember how you did it before. You can find a whole new way to have fun together now. You begin by being the fun and maybe he’ll want to join in. What would that be like?

I like to put on Jimmy Fallon and laugh out loud, or watch funny videos on YouTube. And I laugh so hard my husband is like, “What is that?” Pretty soon we’re like college kids up too late, laughing. Your version may not look like this but laughing out loud is the best, whether he joins you or not, this will serve you. Do that and you will reconnect with your husband.

Okay, next question is called, failing as a health coach. “Feeling so defeated, yes, I know that’s a thought. I also know my thoughts are creating this but I could really use a little Jody here to help me out, please. I’m a new health and wellness coach. I’ve had success starting out but now I’ve hit a wall. I’m in scarcity mode because I’m worried that it’s not really going to work out. I’m worried about paying my bills because I’m not getting the revenue I need yet. So now my thoughts are, maybe I’m not a good coach. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe no one wants to listen to me.

What if I never make any money? What have I done? Which in turn creates scarcity, fear, and feelings of failure. Actions, inaction or little action. Results, not a good coach and not a viable income. I want to feel that passion again and help others but it’s being overcrowded by all my thoughts about the skeptics and haters out there and my own fears too. Where should I start so I can break this slump I’ve fallen into? Did you go through this too? If so, what did you do?

My answer is. Everyone goes through this and it doesn’t end. Once you reach your current goal you’ll go through it again, over and over again. I go through this about every six months. I know it’s coming. I know how to manage my brain but it never goes away. This is why building a business is the best self-help on the planet. The solution is to manage your brain. You haven’t hit a wall. There is no wall. If your business isn’t growing how you want it to, you have a business problem. It has nothing to do with your ability to coach.

You either have a problem with your target market, your ability to get leads, your marketing, your sales or your ability to scale. That’s it. Think of your business as a science experiment. Everything else your brain is telling you is drama. Let’s solve for the science part. Tell me what’s not working in your business and I will help you with it. Also, tell me what you’ve done so far to try to solve it. Also, I don’t ever again want you to think the thought, I’m failing in my business. It’s a lie your brain is trying to tell you.

You haven’t figured out the marketing and sales funnel yet. This is a much more useful thought.

Okay, this next question is called approval from others. “I’ve recently noticed that I am constantly looking for others’ approval or I am worried/interested in how others feel about me or my choices. I’m trying to just notice it and just think, there’s that again and move on, which seems to be helping some. But I still can’t seem to get it out of my head. I just chew on it in the back of my mind. How can I get to the place where I’m thinking things like, everyone is different and just because everyone isn’t like me, doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong.

I don’t think it’s a confidence problem because I definitely like my choices and think they are right. These are small things like my mom thinking it’s dumb that I get my nails done, or my sister-in-law who thinks we mistreat our dogs because they’re outside only and we feed them cheap dog food. By the way, no one has ever directly said these things to my face but I keep collecting evidence. I feel silly even typing it out. Occasionally someone has said something to me directly or through an email about some bigger choices and that definitely upset me but it didn’t change my choice.

Long story about my husband’s choice of career but that’s not the point. It’s like I want everyone to agree with me. So how can I take this to the next level and just get my own back without thinking their life is wrong? My higher brain totally believes that no one else needs to love me because I love me. Is my lower brain just not getting it? What do you think? Do you have any tricks for me? I hope I’m making some sense here. Thanks.”

Here is my answer. Ask yourself why you want their approval. If they agreed with your choice what would you be thinking that’s different than what you’re thinking now? If your mom said, “I’m so glad you treat yourself to a manicure”, then what? You’d feel what? You’d think what? That’s the key. Of course, it’s about your own approval of your choice otherwise you wouldn’t even be thinking about it. If a terrorist doesn’t agree with your decision to be peaceful, that doesn’t bother you in the least. The difference is in your own confidence in your decision.

So, you have to be okay with the lower brain having that little bit of fear behind it. It’s just the human part of you. It might be that trying to figure this out will just feed it and emphasize it. So, if you find that to be true just dismiss it as your humanness.

Okay, we’ve got time for one more, are you ready? This one’s called, loving me. It says, “Where do I begin loving me as I am right now? How does that happen? How does that work? I know my lack of self-love is the reason for my insecurities, perfectionism, and people pleasing ways. And I’m ready to let them go but I don’t know how. Where do I start and what do I do? I’m ready to start loving me so I can love others more fully.”

Here is my answer. Okay, great, let’s do it. Self-confidence comes from two things. One, knowing yourself which means you have to pay attention. And two, embracing all the parts of you. It doesn’t come from believing you’re good at everything you’d like to be good at. It doesn’t come from approving of all the parts of you. It just comes from understanding that the strengths and weaknesses all make you who you are and who you are is valuable, unique, amazing, and worthy of love.

So, begin by paying attention to you. Who are you? And see if you can embrace it all, like, yeah, I’m pretty good at that. That’s cool and I have that skill. And also, I’m not very good at this other thing, that’s just me. I love me anyway. A good exercise for you might be to imagine yourself 50 years from now, then have your current self go to her, your future self and ask her what she loves about you. Write it in a letter and see what you can come up with.

Remember, you’re 50 years older, wiser, more experienced. What would you tell you? Ask her to help you write a list of 100 things she appreciates about you right now. Ask her to help you see who you become in your life as you learn to love you.

Alright everybody, thanks so much for joining me today. I hope that there was a question or answer in there that spoke to something that you are struggling with or wanting to learn more about in your life. I will see you next week for another episode. Take care, bye bye.

Hey there, if you enjoy this podcast or even if you just find that it sort of piques your curiosity, or it makes you think, you’re going to love the book that I wrote. It’s called Better Than Happy: Connecting with Divinity Through Conscious Thinking. And it’s available now at Amazon in print or kindle version. Or if you want me to read it to you, head over to audible and grab the audio version. And why not grab a copy for your sister, your best friend, or your mom while you’re there too. Just saying.