249. Circumstance and Result Differences

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy episode 249: Circumstance and Result Differences.

Welcome to Better Than Happy. I’m your host, Jody Moore. I’m a mother to four children. I’m a huge Taylor Swift fan, and I’m a master certified life coach. I’m here to teach you how to manage your brain and manage your emotions so that you can create a life that’s even better than happy. Are you ready? Let’s go.

Hey, everyone. Welcome to episode 249. I am recording this episode on April 10^th, so it is two days before Easter. It is Good Friday, and I’m fasting today. We, in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, fast once a month as a religious practice.

We do it as a way to connect with our heavenly father, and to make a sacrifice, and to ask him to bless us in certain ways. So, we are all fasting today on April 10^th, or those who chose to participate, I should say, because our prophet, President Nelson, asked us to collectively fast.

It’s actually the second time we’ve done it, and there’s a lot of people who aren’t members of our church who are participating in the fast as well as a worldwide outreach to our heavenly father to ask him to bless those who are working to combat the effects of the Coronavirus, and to bless those who are suffering at the effects of it, and to bless our world with relief from it as soon as is God’s will.

So, right now, I’m feeling a lot of different things. I’m feeling a lot of physical sensations, a little bit of a headache. I won’t lie. I’m at the tail end of my fast right now. We fast for two meals for 24 hours. I’m coming up on 24 hours of fasting, and my body doesn’t love that, but I also am feeling so many emotions, a mix of emotions.

I feel sort of distracted because my brain keeps going, “We should eat something. We need food. We should go get a drink,” but I also feel a lot of other really amazing, powerful things. I feel a reverence, I think is the best way to describe it. I feel a quiet sadness and a mourning for all of those who are suffering right now in the world because I know there’s always suffering in the world, but I’m thinking about the suffering right now, and I think we have an added measure of it.

I’m also feeling oddly peaceful, and grateful, and just full of love is the best way I can describe it. I feel so much love for the people in my life, for my family and my close friends. I feel so much love for my neighbors, and I feel closer to everyone in an odd way because we don’t get to see each other right now. We’re more disconnected, but I feel closer.

I’m thinking about everyone, and I’m thinking about just how amazing this world is, and how grateful I am for my life and just for nature, for the sun that’s shining today, for the laughter that my kids still have every day. Just feeling grateful for things right now. Anyway, that’s where my head is at. Hopefully, I can focus and deliver this message that I want to give to you today.

We’re going to talk about the difference between circumstances and results. Those of you that have been listening to me for a while or are in my coaching program, you know that we have the self-coaching model we use starts with the circumstance, and it ends with the results. The circumstance being the facts, being the thing that happens outside of us, and then the result being our experience.

One of the things that I’ve been noticing so much lately in coaching is how people, and when I say people, I mean myself included, we think that what we want is to change the circumstance. We believe that if we could change the circumstance, that everything would be better with certain problems that we are focused on.

We think if only this outside thing were different. If I could change this fact, and facts and outside things can be a lot of things. They can be other people’s behavior. They could be things happening in the world. So, if we could change that thing, then life would be good is what we believe. That is because we are confusing circumstances with results.

What I want to offer to you today, and this is a little bit more advanced, so if you’re newer, make sure you get the podcast roadmap and listen to the eight episodes I recommend you listen to in order. You just go to JodyMoore.com/map and listen to those episodes if I lose you at any point during this one, but for those of you that have been around a while, there’s a lot of you, and I want to take it to this next level.

We think we need to change the circumstances because we’re confusing circumstances from results. A circumstance might be a law that exists. It might be another person’s actions or words, like I said. It could be the weather. It could be the number in your bank account. It could be a virus that is plaguing the world, except we wouldn’t put plaguing the world in the C-line. We just say the Coronavirus is a circumstance.

It could be a job that you have. It could be a job that you lost, like you were fired from, or let go from, or that you no longer have. It could be a health condition, whether that be sick or healthy. Those are both circumstances. Even life and death are both circumstances that go in the C-line of the model.

So, again, that’s just a short list of things I brainstormed of things that we tend to think we want to control. We tend to think are the problem or are the reason that we are happy and that things are good. What we really want is to have a certain result. Circumstances, pretty easy to define.

Let’s talk about results. How do we define results? In fact, a common question I hear from people who are new to learning the model is I get confused about the result line. How do I know what the result is? Or how do I find the result? What is the result? Is it a thought? Is it a feeling? Is it a new circumstance? The answer is yes, yes, and maybe yes.

In the result line, we have a lot more flexibility, which is sometimes good, but sometimes I think makes it confusing and is part of the reason that people are so fixated on circumstances. I think the result is these things, or it could be any of these things, I should say. The result could be who we are being. It could be what we are contributing or what we’re not contributing.

It might be how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about the world around us, how we feel about the other people in our lives. Definitely how we are feeling could be a part of your result line. I think our result line, in many ways, is whether or not our needs are being met. As human beings, we all have a lot of needs, and we can think about, first of all, that we all have a lot of basic needs.

We have a need for food, and water, and sleep, and shelter. If we don’t have these basic things met, survival becomes a challenge. But we have a whole bunch of other needs layered on top of that like the need for fulfillment. To feel fulfilled is a basic human need. We have a need for connection with one another.

We have some needs that fall in the realm of self-actualization, to feel like we are growing in certain ways, to feel like we are evolving, and learning, and to be exposed to new things. We have a need for contribution, to feel like we are making a contribution. We have a need for appreciation.

We have lots of needs that aren’t basic survival needs. You’re not going to die without them, but you’re going to suffer if they’re not being met. You’re going to feel like something is wrong, and you’re going to strive to change circumstances if you believe that those circumstances are going to create that result for you.

So, I think the simplest way I can sum up what the result is, is the result is your experience. That’s it. It’s your experience of yourself and your experience of your life. We are wired to crave certain experiences. We are supposed to seek certain experiences. It served us well all throughout our lives, but here’s what I find so fascinating.

Sometimes I like to watch period shows that go back to the 1700s or what have you. My husband does not like them, but I do sometimes. The circumstances back then were very different. We didn’t have electricity. We didn’t have cars. We didn’t have stoves to cook food on. There were lots of things that were very different that if today we lost those things, we would panic and think, “I can’t have the experience I want and need. I can’t even get my basic needs met without these things,” and yet that’s not true at all because people lived before there was electricity, and before there was central air and heat, and before there were all the things we have today, and they still survived, many of them.

They figured out how to survive and even thrive, meaning they learned how to have the experiences they wanted to have. People live in what we would all agree are terrible circumstances sometimes, and they still are having, at least half the time, the experience they want to have. They’re still having the result they want to have.

In other words, they are feeling confident, and they are feeling grateful, and they are feeling fulfilled, and connected, and growing, and they’re contributing, and they have appreciation, and they receive appreciation. So, how could that be? It’s because the circumstance doesn’t create our result, and therefore, what we genuinely want is a certain result. It’s not even a particular circumstance. It’s so fascinating to think about this.

Let’s go through some examples so that I can try to illustrate this for you in a way that might make a little bit more sense. Let’s imagine that you have a teenager. A lot of you listening, that will not be hard because you do have teenagers. Let’s say that your teenager is going to go in the circumstance line.

Whatever your teenager’s behavior is, whatever his or her feelings are, however they’re acting, or what they say to you, or whether or not they talk to you, or whether or not they’re on their phone all the time. All of that goes in the circumstance line. Their behavior, their feelings, their experience is a circumstance. It’s outside of us. We can’t control it. It just is what’s happening for them. Yes, you with me? That’s a circumstance.

Now, if I’m feeling disappointed about my child, if I’m feeling worried about my child, if I’m stressed and anxious thinking that something’s wrong, and that I have to figure out how to solve it, and upset about what my child is going through, that is my result. That is what I genuinely want different. Now, what we say is, “I want to figure out how to help my child not struggle. I want him or her to not be on their phone all the time. I want them to talk to me more. I want them to feel differently than they do. I don’t want them to be struggling, and suffering, and worried, and anxious,” but that is not even what we want.

What we want is to not be having the experience that we are having, and we think that if our children weren’t having the experience that they’re having, then we wouldn’t have the experience we’re having, but that may or may not be the case. What I know for sure is that our children create their own experience, first of all, and they’re supposed to create all kinds of them.

They’re supposed to have results that are amazing, and fun, and feel good, and they’re supposed to have results that feel terrible, and are hard, and are challenging because they have to learn to work through that to become who they’re capable of becoming. That’s it.

So, when I don’t want my child to struggle and suffer, I create problems for me. If I could make peace with all of it and decide what kind of mother do I want to be? How do I want to show up in this situation? How do I want to feel about this? How do I want to think about this? What do I want to contribute to my child’s circumstance?

Because remember, you as a parent are in the circumstance line for your child. What are you contributing to the C-line, the circumstance line? Are you contributing one more thing that seems to have gone wrong in their life, one more problem for them to solve? Or are you contributing peace, and confidence, and a different perspective that they may or may not choose?

We don’t even really want our kids to not suffer. What we want is for us to not suffer, and that’s available to you. If you choose to suffer while your child is suffering, that’s okay too. I’m not telling you that you wouldn’t want to at times or that you shouldn’t at times. I’m just telling you that what you really want is to create your own experience, which you are right now, and you can anytime you want, change it.

Let’s talk about another example. Let’s talk about the economy. Let’s talk about money because money can be your result, but I put money in the circumstance line. The amount of money you have is your circumstance. Your experience is the part that you own. So, right now, we’re seeing the stock market take a plunge. We’re seeing the economy struggle and suffer, and so a lot of people’s circumstance with money is changing.

All of us, our circumstances with money is changing, but some are being more immediately impacted, and a lot of people are telling me that result is not in my control. I say, “No, your result is always in your control.” The circumstance is not in our control. The stock market, whether or not you have your job, that is a circumstance.

The result that we really want when it comes to money is to believe that we can get what we need and do have access to the things that we need. Whatever that is that we do with that money, what we need and also what we want. We want to feel safe. We want to feel secure. We want to believe that we will have everything we need and have it when we need it. That part is up to us. Do you see it?

Now, I’m not discounting that it can be challenging, but what I find to be the most peaceful, because my husband and I have been through times in our marriage various times, many times, actually, when one or both of us has been out of work, has lost jobs unexpectedly and suddenly. Where I found the most peace was I chose to believe that I will always have what I need.

Do you know what I discovered? I don’t actually need very much. I can live off of very little. Now, I don’t like to. I prefer to have excess. I prefer to live off of a lot and have a lot of luxuries in abundance, but I don’t actually need very much at all to just buy basic food and support. My family does not cost very much. I don’t even need to live in the house I’m living in right now. We could scale back everything, and we could sell cars. There’s so much we could do if necessary.

Now, my brain will go wild saying, “But we don’t want to. That would be terrible. That would be hard. That would be stressful. What would the kids, blah, blah, blah,” all the drama. But when I remind myself, “Listen, we don’t need very much. Remember back in the 1700s when people just lived off the land? They hunted and gathered, and that’s how they got food.”

Now, I get it. I’m not saying that we should go back to that, but I just want you to find peace with you will always have what you need, and I did find that when we needed to, when our money got really tight at times in our marriage, we could really scale back, and there’s not very much that we need to live off of.

What if we just decide that we will always have what we need? That creates a feeling, for me, of abundance, and confidence, and security. I also have a lot of other thoughts like, “I will create what I want in my life. I’ve got me. I can count on me. I can count on my brain. I can count on my problem solving.”

I talk about this with my husband too. We have us. We can choose to believe that no matter what’s happening in the C-line. No matter what the circumstance is, I can create any result that I want to, which is the thing that I actually want. It’s what we truly want.

How about your body size? Let’s just talk about that for a minute. So many people think that they just desperately want to lose 20 pounds. They just desperately want to be thinner for some reason. You know what the reason is? It’s because of the result that you really want. What is the result you really want?

You want to believe that you’re healthy. You want to believe that you look the way you should look. You want to feel confident. You want to look in the mirror and like what you see. That’s all result stuff. That’s all completely within your control without changing your body at all. So, I help people lose weight, but not without doing all of that work along the way to love yourself, to believe in yourself, to be confident, to decide that you’re attractive right now, to decide that you’re perfection as you are, to decide that the health that you have is exactly what you should have.

We have to do all that work along the way because that’s what you really want ultimately, is the result, and we can change the circumstance, but if you don’t bring your brain along with you, you’re not going to get the result you want anyway.

You might decide you like your body better, but then you’ll find another reason to pick at yourself, and loathe yourself, and criticize yourself. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. I’ve done it myself. So, it’s the result that we really want, and your body size isn’t a result. It’s a circumstance.

How about a business? Some of you are working on building a business, or you have dreams or goals of creating a business, and again, I hear this all the time because I work with people who are becoming coaches, and they say, “I just want a successful coaching practice.” I ask them, “What does successful mean?” Because I’m trying to get the circumstance that they think will create their result.

So, they’ll tell me, “Maybe if I had 100 clients, or if I was making $100,000 a year,” whatever. That could go in the circumstance line, but I ask them, “What would be your result?” Do you know what they really want? They want to believe that they’re successful. They want to believe that they’ve done a good job. They want to believe that they’re capable of setting a goal and achieving it. They want to believe that they’re making a valuable contribution in the world.

They want their experience of themselves and their life to be something that provides them with feelings of fulfillment and growth, but not overwhelm and stress. That’s what we prefer. There’s a sweet spot for us of enough challenge and growth, but not so much that it tips us over into overwhelm. A lot of people think, “If I could just get this many clients, if I could just get my business to this point, if I could just sell this many things, then I would be at that point,” and I tell them, “That’s the result that you’re wanting.”

That doesn’t come from the circumstance. It comes from everything else that we create along the way, you guys. It comes from how we choose to experience any circumstance. No matter what your circumstance is, you get to choose how you will experience it. Now, again, I want to make sure that you hear me say that this doesn’t mean you won’t want to experience things as challenging, or that you won’t want to be sad, or mad, or stressed, or worried, or any of the things.

You will, at times, but you are creating that with your human brain, and you can create a different result if and when you’re ready, and it’s much easier to do than you might think. Yes, changing circumstances is tough, but changing your result is 100% available and in your control. All right, my friends. Have an amazing, beautiful week. I’ll be back with another episode next week, and I will talk to you then.

Who is your life coach? If you don’t have one I would be so honored to be your coach. I created a virtual coaching program called Be Bold that I want to invite you to join me in. We can address challenges, we can work on goals, and we can do it in so many different ways. We have group coaching, individual private coaching, and online chats along with hundreds of hours of courses and content that I’ve created just for you.

When you’re ready to really take what you’re learning on the podcast to the 10X level then come check out Be Bold at JodyMoore.com/membership.