325. Does The Model Lack Compassion?

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 325: Does The Model Lack Compassion?

Did you know that you can live a life that’s even better than happy? My name is Jody Moore. I’m a Master Certified Life Coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And if you’re willing to go with me, I can show you how. Let’s go.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to episode 325. I’m very excited to dive into this episode. I have a little bit of kind of a deeper concept to discuss with you today.

So, a couple things. First, we have Macros and Mindset, the event that Brad Jensen and I have been planning for a very long time that we are both very excited about—to teach you all things nutrition, health, fitness, and the mindset and emotional work required to truly do that in a healthy way. And that is happening October 20^th and 21^st in Scottsdale, Arizona.

And I think you should come to Scottsdale and hang out with Brad and I for two days and do a deep dive on this. But I get that a lot of people are not able to travel right now, not comfortable traveling, a lot going on. And so, thanks to technology, we also have an amazing livestream option so you don’t have to get on a plane and come to Scottsdale. You can do it through Zoom. You can hang out with us on Zoom.

We will be taking questions and interacting with you on livestream as well. We’ll also be recording that event and you’ll get access to it for 90 days, so whether you’re there in person or on livestream, if you have to step out for a little while or something, no worries. We won’t miss a beat.

So, go to JodyMoore.com/MandM—that stands for Macros and Mindset—and grab your seat if you want to join us. It’s going to be a lot of fun.

Okay, the other thing I want to mention… Like I said, this topic today is a little bit of a deeper, more advanced concept that builds on some of the more basic concepts I teach. So, you’ll probably be just fine, because what feels advanced to me probably feels really simple and easy to you.

But if you do find yourself feeling a little lost or you want to go back and understand some of the concepts behind what I’m teaching you, go get the Podcast Roadmap. That’s at JodyMoore.com/Map. And that will walk you through the episodes that I recommend you listen to to get up to speed on the basics of what we teach here on Better Than Happy.

And that might be useful even if you don’t feel confused at the end of this episode. My goal is that you don’t feel confused. But if you’re new to the podcast, I highly recommend the Podcast Roadmap.

So, today I want to talk about this question that I got asked recently, which is, “Does The Model kind of lack in compassion?” And I’ll tell you that the person that asked me this was a friend of mine and his wife is also a good friend of mine and very involved in the work that I do. And I said, “Well, what do you mean by that?”

And he said, “Well, sometimes I feel like I understand The Model,” which, by the way, I’ll go through The Model briefly in just a moment. But he said, “I understand that you teach that our own thoughts create our own feelings. And that makes sense to me.

“But sometimes when I say to my wife, ‘Hey, when you do this thing or don’t do this thing or act this way or say this thing, then I feel hurt or I feel frustrated or I feel sad.’ And if she says to me in response, ‘Well, that’s on you. That’s your thought making you sad or frustrated. That’s not on me’…

“Do you see how that feels like it’s lacking in compassion a little bit? Or connection or understanding or us wanting to work together to be understanding of one another?” And I said, “I can see why you would think that.”

And then I decided I would do a whole podcast and dive into it deeper. Because, in my opinion, that is actually a misuse of The Model. That is not the way it’s intended.

So, let me back up and teach you the two-minute version of The Model. But like I said, if you’ve never heard me teach The Model before or if it’s newer to you, you’re gonna want to go get the Podcast Roadmap because on those episodes, I go into it in more detail.

But in short, just by way of reminder, we have circumstances, which are the facts or the things outside of us. So, those would be other people—what they do, what they say, what they think—or anything else happening in the world outside of us.

Then we have thoughts, which is the meaning that we give to our circumstances. Sentences in our mind. Many of our thoughts we can identify as thoughts, but a lot of them we also just think are just facts. Like, “I’m not good at this thing” or “people shouldn’t say that” or “people shouldn’t do that.” Those are all thoughts. They’re all opinions. And they go in the thought line of The Model.

Perfectly okay to have thoughts. We just want to understand that thoughts are what create our feelings. The thing outside of us doesn’t create our feelings. Circumstances don’t create feelings. Our thoughts—those sentences in our mind, our opinions, the stories that we entertain and watch in our brains and belief—create our feelings.

Feelings are just the emotions that we experience in our bodies. The sensations, the chemicals, hormones that circulate throughout our bodies and cause a vibration that we feel and we call it a feeling.

Our feelings drive our actions. That’s the next part of The Model. Our actions are the way we show up or the way we don’t show up. They can be an avoidance. They can be—sometimes really subtle changes if I’m fueled by one feeling, having a conversation with someone, if I’m frustrated, I might still know how to be polite and nice and hide it, but I guarantee I still show up differently than if I’m fueled by genuine curiosity and love and openness in that same conversation.

So, my action line is what I do, don’t do, who I become, how I show up in the world in any given circumstance. And it’s based on what I’m thinking, which is creating what I’m feeling.

And that together creates the last part of The Model, which is the result. Okay? My thoughts, feelings, and actions create my result ultimately. So, the result is just my experience of the circumstance. My experience of the world. Okay?

So, I told you that was the quick, high-level version. There’s a lot of other information about The Model, but for today, if you just understand that circumstance, thought, feeling, action, result.

Then, I want to talk about why this model is so powerful—what it does when we use it correctly—and then I want to talk about some of the common misuses of The Model that lead people to thoughts like, “Doesn’t it seem like this is lacking in compassion?” Okay?

So, one of the things that this model does is it corrects our brains’ misunderstandings about the causes of our feelings, especially our negative feelings. But it’s true for all feelings—positive feelings too. Okay?

Our brains believe—for most people, this gets reinforced by the world outside you—that things or people or events or words outside of us cause us to feel a certain way.

So, for example, this terrible tragedy happened in the world today. I feel sick about it. Okay? What’s missing from that statement is the in-between part when I have thoughts and stories about the terrible thing that happened in the world. Even saying, “A terrible thing happened in the world” is a thought. Right?

“A thing happened in the world.” And my thought: “It’s terrible and horrible and I can’t believe we’re living in a world like this.” And “I can’t believe people would do this.” And “This is scary.” And “What does this mean for our future?” And “What does this mean about the world in general?” All of those thoughts, stories, answers to those questions create my feelings. Okay?

So, The Model shows us that. Because when we slow down and we separate out facts from thoughts, we see, “Yes, these thoughts would create these feelings.”

Now, people often think that means that I’m saying you shouldn’t think those thoughts. And I’m not. Sometimes, we look at thoughts that are creating feelings in coaching and go, “I think that’s serving you really well. It seems to me like you might wanna keep those thoughts. It seems to me like you might even wanna feel those feelings in that circumstance, even though you’re creating them with your thoughts.” Okay?

So, this is a misunderstanding—a misuse of The Model—which, I’m going to get to more of those in a minute, but I can’t help myself. A misuse is to think you should only think positive thoughts. Thereby, you would only feel positive emotions. No! We’re just saying, “Put it in The Model and show yourself that you’re creating your feeling with your thoughts.”

This is such a gift to give yourself, you guys, because the better you understand that, the more in control you become of your life experience. And those feelings become a lot less scary because they aren’t indicative of something that we need to try to control in the world outside of us. They’re just indicative of what’s happening in our minds.

And even though it doesn’t feel like it, you do have control over your mind. You certainly have much more control over your mind than you do over the world outside of you. Okay? So, it makes all of it become less scary. So, that’s the first thing The Model does.

Next thing The Model does is it redirects us away from what we cannot control towards what we can control. Without The Model or without some form of examining what’s really going on, then our brains focus and fixate on the things outside of us.

I coach a lot of parents, mostly moms. Okay? And moms tend to be fixated on their kids. Sometimes husbands. Sometimes in-laws. But a lot of times, it’s kids. Okay?

“My child is doing this, saying this, acting in this way, fearful, worried, anxious, depressed, not going to school, lying to me, taking drugs…” You name it. Whatever the kids are doing or not doing that doesn’t align with the picture we created in our brains—what we thought they were gonna be doing at this point in their lives—then we have thoughts about that.

And what I do is show my client, “Okay, notice how fixated you are in trying to control your child. And I’m with you. I would love to control my children too. I would even love to help you control your children. But I’ve not figured out a way to make that happen, and based on my spiritual beliefs about the plan of salvation and agency and the important role it plays in it, I don’t think we’re actually supposed to control those children in the end.”

So, I think what we’re supposed to do is control us. I think we’re supposed to figure out, “How do I become the person that I want to be in this situation? How do I become the best, highest, most trusting, most peaceful, most calm, most faith-filled version of me? So that I can show up in this circumstance in the most useful way?”

I don’t get to control what happens in the end. I don’t know if it will quote-unquote “work”—in other words, if it will change the circumstance. But I do know that’s not mine to control. I can do all I can to try to influence it, but the only thing I can control actually is my experience of what’s going on around me and when I focus on that.

Then, I actually, ironically enough, am a better mother. I am more influential. I am more useful in offering help to my child. So, do you see the irony here? As soon as we use The Model to stop trying to control our children, we actually become more effective at influencing our children.

But it doesn’t matter as much, because I already did the work to get to peace and feeling good, and so I can allow my children their own experience. And I don’t have to try to control them in order for me to feel better. You see what I’m saying? So, that is a really, really useful thing that The Model, when used appropriately, does for us.

The next thing that it does really appropriately is it shows our brains that the things that feel really useful to us are not. Many of the things, I should say. Not all of the things. But some of the things that feel important and justified and useful are in fact creating more problems for us than they are solving or preventing problems. Here’s what I mean.

Many times, I have clients who say, “But how can I not worry? How can I not be afraid? How can I not be overwhelmed?” And I say, “Well, let’s take a look at it. Your worry, your fear, your overwhelm is coming from the story you’re believing—from the thoughts you’re thinking, right? So, let’s take worry, for example.

“Let’s say I have a child who is getting an F in his math class. Okay?” My client might say, I’ll say, “You know, you don’t have to worry. You could choose not to. If we chose to think something different. If we weren’t thinking, ‘Oh no, this is terrible. He’s really gonna limit his options in the future. He’s probably never gonna get a job. He’s probably not gonna graduate…’ Etc., right? Worry comes from the stories about the future that we create in our minds.”

And I say, “You could just not do that.” And they say, “But I’m his mom. I think I’m supposed to.” And I say, “Okay, let’s see if it’s working. Let’s see if it’s serving you. Let’s see if it’s useful.”

So, we put it in The Model. We take a look at the thoughts, right? Circumstance: child getting an F in math. Thoughts: “Oh no, he’s gonna really damage his future.” Feeling: worry.

Now, how do you show up in the action line for your son when you have worry and fear driving you? Now, I hear this all the time. They say, “Oh, I don’t tell him. I’m really nice. I’m really open. I’m really loving and supportive and curious to his face. But inside, I’m freaking out.”

And I say to them, “Oh, so you’re pretending? Guess what? I got news for you. You’re not as good at fooling the people around you as you think you are. I promise you that there is something different, even if you’ve learned to manage your behavior (which is a very good thing, by the way).

“But what if you weren’t worried? I promise you there would be something different about you in those conversations, about the energy you would bring, about the ideas you would have, about your overall vibe, you might just say. Maybe you even have to avoid the conversations right now. Maybe you would start having more conversations.

“I don’t know, but I promise you that you would show up differently if it wasn’t worry-fueling you. In what way is worry making you a less effective mother or parent?” And it’s always true. Worry is not useful. It has zero upside. It’s not preventative.

I was just coaching a woman today who was like, “I’m pretty sure my teenager lied to me.” So, she’s kind of panicked and worried about this, and I’m like, “That is not gonna get him to stop lying. It’s gonna make him even better at lying. He’s gonna go, ‘Note to self: don’t let mom find out when you lie. Do a better job hiding it.’” Right?

Like, whether he chooses to stop lying or not, totally up to him. Us being upset about it? Likely to encourage him to do a better job lying. See what I’m saying?

So, when we put it in The Model and we see that… Another one I run into a lot is with indecision, right? People are like, “I just can’t decide. I mean, should I go this route or that route?” Or fear. Or like, “I just don’t want to be disappointed.”

I coached another girl today who is dating —a college student—and she’s like, “I just don’t want to… Like, what if I go meet someone and I like them and they don’t like me? Then I’m gonna be disappointed.”

And so, we put it into a model and we noticed how what she does right now is she avoids talking to people. She goes home right after church. She doesn’t stay any longer and talk to anyone, because she doesn’t want to be disappointed. And I said, “How do you feel right now when you think about that you’re not in a relationship and you want to be?” And she said, “Disappointed.” Right?

So, this is what I mean. When we put it in a model, we get to laugh at ourselves. I don’t mean being mad at yourself and judge yourself for it. Just notice, like, “Okay, this feels really useful and like it’s protecting me in some way. It’s not. It’s just creating pain and suffering in the name of trying to avoid pain and suffering.” That makes no sense at all. Okay?

The last thing that’s kind of an overall summary (that I want to mention today, anyway) that The Model does for us when we use it correctly is it just gives us awareness of ourselves. Now, this self-awareness is where you get all of the authority and power over yourself and your life experience. I promise you. The more aware you can become of yourself, the better. Because that is where you’re able to make useful course corrections. Okay?

But I want to talk about now some of the misuses of The Model. Hopefully, that gives you a really good understanding of The Model. Here is one of the misuses I see of it.

The Model is not intended for you to abdicate—or for me, or for any of us—to abdicate responsibility for our behavior. That is not what I’m saying. That’s what people sometimes think I’m saying.

They think I’m saying, “Well, I don’t really care what you do, because I’m only in charge of me.” Okay? And so, “I’m gonna behave however I want to. I choose. And too bad if you don’t like it.” That’s not what I’m saying at all. Okay?

Every one of us is still responsible for the way we show up and the people that we choose to become. Okay? So, there’s a difference between knowing that other people’s thoughts create their feelings and you are their circumstance. Okay? None of us are as powerful as we think we are. We are always the circumstance in other people’s models. And their thoughts will create their feelings. That’s important for you to know so that you can spend less time trying to manipulate all the people around you.

But that doesn’t mean you’re not interested in what other people would like for you to do or think or say. When I’m operating at my best, which is not all the time, but when I’m using The Model correctly, then I use The Model to clean up how I want to feel and that makes me more open to other people’s opinions and thoughts and ideas about who I should be in the world. Okay?

It doesn’t mean I’m willing to comply with them. It may not. But it doesn’t mean I sort of put up a hand and go, “Well, I don’t really care what you think or say. I’m only in charge of me.” Right?

In fact, the better I get at The Model—because remember, I also use The Model to love myself better—then, if I’m loving myself and somebody comes along and says, “Hey, I don’t really like when you do this thing or say that thing or act this way,” I could say, “Tell me more. I want to know. I’m totally open to your opinion. Tell me why. Tell me your thoughts.”

Now, in the end, I may agree with them and say, “You’re right. I think I want to adjust my behavior.” Or I may not. I may say, “Oh, I’m so sorry you feel that way. I guess I just don’t agree. I guess we just have to agree to disagree at this point.”

But do you see how if I’m putting a hand up in defense, that’s actually indicative that I’m not using The Model? Because if I can’t tolerate hearing it or I’m not curious and open, it means I have work to do on loving and embracing myself and getting more comfortable with other people having their own opinions, their own thoughts, their own feelings. Okay?

So, abdicating responsibility for our behavior is a misuse of The Model. Lacking in compassion and empathy is another misuse of The Model. And unfortunately, like my friend who asked me that, it does happen at times. But it’s not our intention.

Just like with religion, for example. In my religion, we have lots of values and principles that we try to live by. And some people will come along and say, “That’s just shaming people.” Right? Like, “You’re making people feel bad when you teach that.”

And I’ll say, “That is something that happens, unfortunately, but that’s a misuse of the religion. The purpose of it is to help me—as the subject in this scenario, or anybody else who chooses, right?—to be my highest self. It’s not intended for me to judge or shame other people with. But unfortunately, some people will use it that way. That’s a misuse of religion.”

Misuse of The Model is using it to lack compassion and empathy. So, it doesn’t mean we are not interested and curious and want to hear people’s preferences and understand where they’re at and empathize with their feelings. All of that is part of us being our best highest selves. Okay?

So, instead of this sort of resisting, putting up a hand, “I don’t really care,” “I’m not responsible for your feelings; you are…” And sometimes that happens in the transition as you start learning The Model if you’ve been people-pleasing or you’ve been overly accommodating in a way that is harming yourself, emotionally or otherwise, then it might be a clunky transition. That’s okay. Give yourself a minute to figure it out.

But ultimately, what we want to do is just be open to all of it. Be curious about other people’s thoughts and feelings. Be loving and full of empathy and full of compassion.

“I love you so much and I’m so sorry you feel that way and I hear you and I see your point. And I get where you’re coming from. And I agree and I’m going to make some changes.” Or “I just don’t feel that way, and I’m so sorry. I’m sure at some point we’ll come to a compromise here that will work for us.” Okay?

The other thing that is really useful with The Model is we can give people permission to feel however they want to feel, but it’s a misuse to say that then we just don’t care. Like, “I don’t care…” Sometimes people will say to me, “Well, my husband gets upset about this,” or, “My child doesn’t like this.”

And I’ll say, “Okay, why is that a problem?” And I purposely ask it that way because I genuinely want to know, “What is the thought you’re thinking that makes it a problem?” What I don’t mean is, “Who cares? We don’t care how they feel.” That’s not what I’m saying.

Of course, we want all the people around us to feel happy and satisfied and good all the time. But the reality is, that’s just not how human beings operate. They actually don’t want to feel happy and good all the time.

So, when I say, “Why is that a problem?”, I genuinely mean, “Why is that a problem for you? Let’s understand it.” Maybe it’s a reason we like. Maybe we want to keep it. Maybe it’s not.

Because the truth is, we’re not responsible for other people’s feelings. It doesn’t mean that we don’t wish they were all happy all the time. Wouldn’t that be great? So, it’s, “Hey, I love you and I’m so sorry you feel that way and I hear you and your feelings are valid. And I’m willing to make this change.” Or “I’m not willing to make this change, but your feelings are still valid and I still hear you and see you.” Okay?

The last thing I want to recommend here with The Model that speaks to the misuses: a lot of times we want to use The Model to control people outside of us. We’re like, “Listen, I tried to tell my kid that his thoughts create his feelings, and he just doesn’t want to hear it.” Or “I tried to explain to my husband that I’m the circumstance in his model, and he doesn’t believe me, and he does not like when I turn on the Jody Moore podcast.” Okay?

We don’t use The Model to try to manipulate and control other people. That’s a misuse of it. It’s totally fine for people to be wherever they are in their journey, and I genuinely mean that. I don’t mean that, “We’re a little bit better. We’re a little bit ahead. We’re a little bit more evolved and more advanced than people that don’t get this.”

No. I don’t believe that for a second. I just think that it’s a tool that has made my life easier and helps me have a more enjoyable experience, but it might not be the right tool for everyone. And they may not want that right now, or they may not be ready for it. And maybe one day they will, and maybe not. Maybe they’ll find a different way. Totally okay.

I don’t need other people to understand it. It’s a tool that we use for ourselves. And if other people want it, great. We’re happy to share it with anyone that wants it.

But we don’t need them to understand it. That’s still us trying to manipulate a circumstance. You see it? Not necessary. Not useful. You can’t really coach people against their will. Hate to tell ya. It just doesn’t work. Okay?

So, is The Model lacking compassion? No. But do we sometimes misuse it that way? Yeah. So, I’m so glad that my friend asked me this question because I like to pause and reflect and make sure I’m using it in the most useful way. I’m not misusing it, like all the tools in my life can be used or misused.

And we all do it at times, so don’t beat yourself up if you notice it. Just redirect to using The Model for your own awareness, and I promise if you do, it will change your life, my friends.

All right. Thanks for joining me today. I will see you next week on another episode. Bye-bye.

Who is your life coach? If you don’t have one, I would be so honored to be your coach. I created a virtual coaching program called Be Bold that I want to invite you to join me in. We can address challenges, we can work on goals, and we can do it in so many different ways. We have group coaching, individual private coaching, and online chats, along with hundreds of hours of courses and content that I’ve created just for you.

When you’re ready to really take what you’re learning on the podcast to the 10X level, then come check out Be Bold at JodyMoore.com/Membership.