403. Jealousy

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 403, Jealousy.

Did you know that you can live a life that’s even better than happy? My name is Jody Moore. I’m a master-certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And if you’re willing to go with me I can show you how. Let’s go.

Hello, everybody, welcome to the podcast. I’m going to talk to you a little bit about jealousy today. I’m going to talk to you about what I like to make this emotion mean when it comes up for me and why I don’t view it necessarily as a bad thing, why I don’t tell myself I shouldn’t be jealous or try to get rid of it quickly. Because there’s a lot of interesting things to be discovered when we are feeling jealous.

So before we dive into that I want to make sure that you are registered to join me at Tryout Coaching if you’ve never tried out coaching. Because even if you think your life is amazing, I promise you that it could be exponentially better. You could be exponentially happier or more successful at whatever it is that you want to be successful at. That might mean that your life is easier, that might mean that you’re doing more of the things you love. It might mean that you’re achieving goals that maybe you thought were never possible.

And I know that because that’s what coaching did for me. I found coaching when I was struggling and it helped me through some of those struggles. But what I didn’t expect was all the amazing things that I would go on to create and that I’m still creating for my own life, for my family, for just our lifestyle, for my relationships, all of it because of coaching. Things that I just thought, I’m not that kind of person. I’m not the kind of person who can achieve those things or have those things or feel that way or be that person.

Anything that you desire is available to you. So don’t take my word for it, come and try out coaching and see what you think. You can head to jodymoore.com/trial if you want to join me for this free two hour Zoom workshop. And all the details are on that page.

So jealousy, let’s talk about jealousy for just a moment. What does jealousy feel like in your body first of all, do you know? Have you paused when you feel jealousy come up to get into your body? Most of us, when we have an emotion like jealousy we get in our heads. I find that people are usually more aware of their thoughts than their feelings. They can tell me, “It feels like it’s not fair. It feels like everybody else is happy or succeeding or winning and I am not. It feels like I’m missing out on something.”

Those statements are actually thoughts, they’re not feelings. Feelings are one word sensations that happen in the body. They are results of thoughts, but most of us when we have an emotion like jealousy are so in our heads that we lose touch with what it feels like in the body. So that’s the first thing I would ask you, what does it feel like in your body? Now, if you do that next time you feel jealous or if maybe you’ve done that before, you reflect on it, you will discover that it doesn’t feel good, it doesn’t. It feels like a pressure. It feels like heat.

And in fact the more I do this work with people and we describe negative emotions and we get in our bodies and feel them, I feel like they feel very similar. Some of them are stronger than others. Some of them have more movement to them than others. But they almost all feel like some kind of a pressure in the chest area, maybe a discomfort in the stomach or solar plexus region. And, again, some have more movement and are stronger, but I think jealousy feels like just about any other emotion that we might describe as negative.

For me, jealousy sort of rushes up sometimes even into my head. I feel like there’s a heat or something that runs up into my head when I feel jealous. So it doesn’t feel great, but here’s the reason why I’m not super mad about it when it comes. I mean I try not to be super mad about any emotion that comes because then I have the emotion and anger on top of it. But with jealousy I especially almost kind of get excited a little bit when it comes and here’s why.

First of all, what is jealousy? Well, according to the internet, it is a feeling of envy of someone else’s achievements and advantages. And envy is described as a discontented feeling or being resentful or a longing for. And it’s that longing for portion of jealousy that is the reason I get sort of excited or glad when I feel it come. Because what jealousy is to me is information about something that I have a longing for. It is information about something that I desire.

And do you know what I’m constantly trying to get better at? Understanding what I desire, what I truly desire. Now, I’ve recently read some pretty compelling evidence that says that none of us have actual core desires. We all just are watching other people in the world and our desires are based on what we see is possible. And I think there can be a lot of truth to that. But I still think it’s interesting that some of the things that I desire, other people have zero desire for.

I love speaking on a stage. You guys, some of you have probably heard me tell my story about how for so many years I wanted to speak at Time Out for Women and I love that I’m getting to do that this year. But a lot of people are like, “Okay, good for you, Jody Moore, but I have zero desire to stand on a stage in front of thousands of people and speak.” So even though we, maybe we do get all of our desires, maybe they’re all ideas that we see other people achieving or ways that we see other people living their lives.

So why is it that we all have different desires? We don’t all desire the same thing even though there’s a lot of overlap. So I think there is still some, maybe it’s our personality, maybe it’s in our DNA. Maybe our life experiences shape it or maybe it’s God given, I don’t know. I don’t really care. All I know is the more I become aware of what I want, the more likely I am to be able to go and get it. And the more specific I can get about what I want the more ability I have to create that, to attract that, whatever you want to call into my life.

And I know that I don’t have to put effort into discovering what I don’t like. That comes very easily. It happens to me all day long. I notice that I don’t like the weather. I don’t like the mess. I don’t like the way my hair looks today. There are things everywhere that I dislike. I do not need to be on the lookout for that. But sometimes I notice a lack of clarity around what I do like, around what I want in my life. And I know from experience and you probably do too that having a picture and a vision of what I want is necessary first to be able to then create it.

I can’t create something or go after something or pursue something that I don’t even know I want in most cases. Maybe there are some exceptions but for the most part, clarity about what I desire is a useful thing. So when I feel jealousy come up, what I do is I go, “Oh, there is something useful here for me to understand about something that I desire.” Let’s see what’s underneath this jealousy. I think that our constant longing for more is an interesting thing to consider.

Because on the one hand, if you’re a parent like me, maybe you notice this in your kids. It doesn’t matter how much we give them, at some point they always want more. It doesn’t matter how many times I let them just take a day off of school because they need a break, they still want another day off school, that same school year at some point. There is no lasting satisfaction as Mick Jagger says, can’t get no satisfaction. That song was so popular because we all resonate with it, that is so true.

Maybe I’m satisfied for a moment once I achieve something or I get something that I want but then the dissatisfaction comes back. This is the human condition. So the reason I used the example with kids is because it’s tempting for me to watch my kids and go, “They are so ungrateful.” They don’t realize how privileged and easy their life is and they don’t have perspective on how challenging so many people in the world have it compared to them. And they want more. They already have so much.

They already have this amazing life and they want more. Those ungrateful little people. Does your brain do that like mine does? But then I remind myself that I’m the same way. I constantly desire more. I constantly notice dissatisfaction try to come back online. Now, I do think that managing that is useful to a certain extent. I don’t think walking around dissatisfied all the time serves us. I think gratitude is the counter to dissatisfaction. It helps keep it in balance. But I think that this dissatisfaction is also useful, I think that it actually makes us better.

Let me say that again, the dissatisfaction that we all experience as human beings from time to time if kept in check with some gratitude can actually make us better people, you know why? Because the pursuit of the next thing, the next accomplishment, the next whatever it is, is necessary for our growth. But if we just were completely satisfied with our lives, we would stop striving to be more, do more and see what we’re capable of, we would. So I don’t care if a part of you is like, “No, Jody, I’m totally content.” I think that’s great.

And I think we all go through periods of that, but I promise you that if nothing in your life ever changed, if you didn’t have new trials or challenges or goals or something, you would become very bored. And satisfaction for too long creates that kind of stagnation that leads to boredom or lack of fulfillment.

So this dissatisfaction, again, I love to think about our ancestors living in caves and they one day were like, “You know what? I am tired of not having protection from the weather. I’m tired of worrying about what the weather’s going to do and wondering if we’re going to be cold or if we’re going to get sick or if we’re going to be protected. I’m tired of living this way.” And so somebody figured out how to build more of a shelter at some point. Maybe they figured out how to build some kind of a grass hut or something.

And then at some point somebody’s like, “I’m tired of living in this place that constantly falls apart and then we have to rebuild it.” And so they figured out how to build something even more sturdy and more stable. And they get tired of being cold and so they figured out how to start a fire. So this dissatisfaction is what helps us progress and has gotten us to the state that we’re in today, the world that we live in. And we continue to then build on what our ancestors created for us because of our dissatisfaction.

So do you see why dissatisfaction is not a bad thing? We can counter it again, with gratitude and keep it in check. Because I’m not talking about walking around feeling sorry for yourself. I’m not talking about complaining. I think we all do far too much of that. I think we need more gratitude. But dissatisfaction in and of itself, some of it is actually useful and keeps us progressing forward.

So when I notice jealousy come up it is indicative that there is a desire or interest or dissatisfaction that I have with some part of my life and I want to become aware of what that is. Sometimes the surface level desire, the surface thing that I’m feeling jealous about might not be the actual desire, but underneath that is what I think of as pure good, wholly righteous desire. Let’s see. Let me give an example.

So sometimes I’ll be on Instagram and I follow some of the people who live out in Utah, who maybe their work is similar to mine or maybe it’s very different but they might have similar values. And because they all live in Utah, they will get together a lot. So I’m talking about mostly women who have small businesses, different types of small businesses, but maybe they are coaches or maybe they are doing other things in the world. But I notice that they will get together sometimes, maybe around the holidays or maybe for some kind of an event.

And then they’ll all start posting pictures, maybe it’s a book signing or something like that. And they’ll start posting pictures and videos and what have you, of this get together and I will feel so jealous sometimes. I feel so jealous that they live near each other, that they can get together like that, that they’re networking with each other, that they have those relationships with one another even. And it triggers that part of my brain that thinks I’m missing out on something.

So here’s the question. Is my desire to go to that book signing that they just went to? Maybe, but maybe it’s actually something deeper than that. So I like to explore it. I like to notice, okay, here’s jealousy. It is here to tell me something about what I desire. Do I desire that exact gathering? I mean yeah, it would have been cool to go to that gathering, but why? Am I desiring more connection? Am I desiring to have other people doing similar work to myself that I can network with?

Do I desire some kind of acknowledgment? Do I feel like I’m missing out on some kind of acknowledgement? Am I just desiring to feel like I am worthy and good enough and at a certain level in terms of the work that I’m doing in the world? What is really underneath that desire? It’s actually usually not even about that event that you saw online, but there is something underneath it that I want to understand.

Now, here’s where it gets tricky. I do think that we have general desires that are kind of similar for all of us. And then we have specific desires. And I think it’s okay to not know your specific desires. I notice for myself, I have to be really patient with letting them come, but opening yourself up to wanting to discover them is the really powerful thing. So some general desires that I think we pretty much all have are things like connection, adventure, love, to have experiences in the world, laughter, joy, fulfillment, contribution, impact, legacy.

These are basic desires that we all have, but what form do those desires take? Very different for all of us. That’s the specific part. So for example, when I talk about having experiences. When you see someone go on a vacation and you feel jealous, that’s probably about wanting connection, wanting adventure, wanting experiences. But notice, there are certain types of trips people will take that you might feel really jealous of and others that you can still have a lot of respect and admiration and think that’s cool, but you don’t feel jealous because you don’t desire that same type of adventure.

Now, let’s go back to jealousy for just a moment. Here’s why jealousy feels pretty bad. We can have this excited anticipation for what we desire, but jealousy is usually desire with a sort of toxic dirty fear based pain layered on top of it. So it is I really want connections like that, relationships like that, experiences like that. And then here comes the dirty part and I don’t believe I can have it. That’s never going to happen for me. I’m not the kind of person who can create that or have that kind of life, or I missed it, it’s too late.

The thing that I wanted has passed and now it’s too late and I’ll never have it. That’s a terrible feeling. It really kind of comes down to either belief that we are less than or our lives are less than. And we use other people’s joy, happiness, success, accomplishments as proof that maybe that’s true. Isn’t that crazy when you think about it that way? We all have these two core fears driving us, that we’re not good enough or that our lives are less amazing than they should be.

And we see someone else succeeding or happy or winning in the way they choose to and we use that to prove that we’re not enough or our lives aren’t good. It’s so crazy how our brains do this. This is why jealousy doesn’t feel good. If you have a desire and on top of that desire you believe that you cannot have it, it will feel pretty bad. But if you choose to clean off, I literally am picturing a glass with water in it and then something sitting on top. And so that’s why I say clean off or clean up that part, that fear based part.

Then you’re just left with the pure desire. So if you stop believing that you can’t have it, that it’s not for you, you’re not that kind of person, you missed out on something, then you’ll just have this really interesting kind of fun to play with, awareness of your desire.

I want to give one other example here of this. So I remember a few years ago at one of my life events which for those of you in Be Bold, we have Be Bold Live coming up in a couple of months. And if you’re not in Be Bold, you need to get in there if you want to come to a live event, which, those are pretty extraordinary, I’ve got to say. Come to a day live coaching with me and you will feel transformed.

But at any rate, so this was a few years ago and I was coaching a woman in this live event and she was saying how she gets so jealous or I don’t remember if this happened ongoing for her, but in this one example her friends had planned a trip and they hadn’t invited her to go. And she was super jealous. So we’re talking all about her friends and why maybe they didn’t invite her, what she’s making it mean about her, about how they feel about her and now how she’s feeling about them.

And we’re doing all of this great work around this topic and it just keeps coming up that she’s just so jealous that they’re going on this trip without her. And, finally after a good 20 ish or more minutes of coaching, I finally ask her where they’re going? And she says somewhere, I can’t remember the exact location but it was some kind of a beach vacation, they were going to a beach. And then she casually throws in this comment.

She’s like, “I don’t even like beaches. I’m not the kind of person who wants to go sit on a beach all day. If I’m going to go on a trip, I want to be doing fun things, but that’s beside the point.” And then she goes on about why she’s jealous. And I was like, “Wait, wait, wait, back up the train for just a moment.” And this woman is, I can totally relate to this woman. Can you relate to this? Where a part of your brain is jealous and upset that you didn’t get invited on the vacation.

And when we really slow it down and ask, “Did you want to go on that vacation?” The answer’s, “No, I don’t want to go sit on.” I mean I do want to sit on a beach, but she didn’t. The actual thing that I’m upset about, I don’t want that or I don’t even care at least that I’m not a part of that. But there’s some useful information underneath that about what she does want. Is it that she wants to feel included? Is it that she wants to feel wanted by her friends?

And that is good to know because all of that is sort of dangerous territory. And here’s what’s so interesting about coaching. When we notice a model like this where I’m jealous I didn’t get invited on the vacation because I want to feel like they want me there, guess what happens? We become the kind of person that even we don’t like being around. We start playing weird games. We have to pretend. Maybe we get sort of rude back. And it’s just so fascinating how we actually create the very thing that we say we don’t want.

But at any rate there is some information here, but we’re going to have to clean up the dirty part of the jealousy, the judgment of others, the belief that you can’t have what you want, the insecurity. See what I mean about those two core fears? Maybe something’s wrong with me or definitely something’s wrong with my life. And if we clean that up then we can just find the desire underneath. In this woman’s case it’s a desire for connection, a desire for a social network, a desire to have a safe place to be herself. That’s all very general.

What I would love is for her to let that be there and clean up the dirty pain part so that it’s no longer jealousy, it’s just desire. And then open herself up to specifics because here’s what happens my friends, when you open your mind up to I am going to be on the lookout for the specific way that I want to implement that and have that in my life. You will start to notice it. It is called your reticular activating system. It is a function of the brain that filters out anything that is irrelevant so that you can just have the capacity to bring into your awareness what is relevant.

Your brain doesn’t really know the difference between what’s useful and not useful. It only knows relevance and non-relevance. So for example, if every time I think about COVID I become very afraid then thinking about COVID isn’t useful, but my brain doesn’t know that, it only knows that COVID is relevant and it’s going to pay attention to things about COVID. I just picked COVID as a random example, but you can substitute whatever you want there.

So relevance is how your reticular activating system works, things like your name are relevant to your brain. So if you’re walking through the airport and there’s a whole bunch of noise and people, lots of stimulus for your brain to filter out. But if someone suddenly said your name from the loudspeaker, if they announced your name you would hear it, your brain would filter out everything else and pick up on your name because your name is so relevant to you.

So becoming aware of what you want and staying open to discovering what that is going to look like specifically allows relevant possibilities to make it through the filter that your brain has where it tries to get rid of anything irrelevant.

So lately I’ve been on the lookout for a gym or workout class that I can go to that is super fun and exciting for me, because I used to have that when I lived in California. And since moving the way I haven’t found the place or the format that’s going to have the offerings that I need and just fit into my life the way it did before. And the other day I was driving down the street and there was a billboard that caught my eye. And I still in all honesty I need to go back down that street now because I didn’t catch the name of the gym.

But it said something about, abandon your old workout routine. And I could tell it was some kind of new gym or class or something in my area. Now, I didn’t notice it in time to capture the information, but I did notice it just long enough to know that it’s there and I can go back and see what it was. And that’s only because my brain is on the lookout otherwise I probably wouldn’t have noticed that billboard at all. It would have filtered it out. So this is the power of understanding what you desire and jealousy is sometimes a doorway into that.

So don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t be jealous. Don’t tell yourself that it means you’re not grateful. Don’t let jealousy run away, don’t run away with all that dirty part of it, don’t let that get out of hand. Practice gratitude and practice believing that anything you truly desire is possible for you. I didn’t say anything is possible for you, I said anything you truly desire is possible for you. And I don’t mean desire from pride, desire from ego, desire from trying to prove something.

I mean just, I don’t know why this thing sounds interesting in front of me but it does, just think it might be cool, just kind of want to explore it. Jealousy is a doorway into that sometimes.

Alright, thanks for joining me today, you guys, you are amazing. Thank you so much for listening and sharing. I’m loving interacting with all of you on Instagram. If you want to come, DM me a question. If you share this episode please tag me so that I can reshare it and give you a shout out. I love you all. Have a beautiful, amazing week. Bye bye.

Who is your life coach? If you don’t have one, I would be so honored to be your coach. I created a virtual coaching program called Be Bold that I want to invite you to join me in. We can address challenges. We can work on goals. And we can do it in so many different ways. We have group coaching, individual private coaching and online chats along with hundreds of hours of courses and content that I’ve created just for you. When you’re ready to really take what you’re learning on the podcast to the 10x level then come check out Be Bold at jodymoore.com/membership.