233. Results Vs. Values

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, Episode 233, Results vs. Values.

This podcast is for people who know that living an extraordinary life is not easy or comfortable. It’s so much better than that. This is Better Than Happy, and I’m your host, Jody Moore.

Hey everyone, how’s it going? Welcome to Episode 233. Thank you, as always, for sharing the podcast. If you love what you’re hearing here, I would so appreciate it if you would share it with others. If you want to leave me a review on iTunes, those are fun for me to get as well.

What else do I want from you? Just that. Just, if you wouldn’t mind. I make a podcast every week, payment is just that you share it if you like it. If you think someone else would like it, that’s all I ask. I’m a simple girl.

I hope you are having an amazing month, an amazing week, an amazing day. I’m having a pretty good one. I’ve got to say, it started out a little rough. Just having one of those weeks when it sort of feels like everything is not working out, and watch my brain go, “Why is nothing working out this week?”

And then, of course, things continue to not work out, and I start making mistakes and being not focused, because I’m stressed. And that’s just the way that snowball rolls. So, after a call I had this morning, I’m feeling a lot better. I’ll tell you what that call was.

I do a call every month with my Be Bold Masters. They are individuals who’ve been through a five-day intensive program with me, and it’s super fun. We do deep coaching and deep teaching, and we bring in other coaches, and we have so much fun that it takes me about a week to recover afterwards.

But anyway, we do a call every month, and we do coaching and also, I teach them. As I continue to learn and develop thoughts and tools and knowledge, I share it with them. And so I had that call, and it was so amazing. Of course, because they’re amazing.

And I got off that call and decided, I’m going to record a podcast while I’m feeling good and fired up, and having lots of ideas running through my brain. So, here we go.

We’re going to talk about results and values today, okay? So, I will say that I am just finishing up reading Simon Sinek’s latest book, The Infinite Game. And it’s fantastic, like everything I’ve read from Simon Sinek, or listened to. I like to listen to books on Audible. I don’t really read books. I need someone else to read them to me, or else I fall asleep.

But, at any rate, I listen to Audible, but I also have listened to, or watched, I should say, his TED Talk and other, you know, whenever he’s on a podcast. I love listening to him. He’s a great speaker and a great writer and a really intelligent guy.

So, this concept is based in some of what he teaches in The Infinite Game. His book is geared towards business owners, so he’s talking a lot about business. He uses business examples, but it’s very easy to apply what he teaches to a lot of areas of your life. So, I highly recommend it, whether you’re interested in learning about business or not.

But this is, again, sort of a spinoff of a concept I learned from Simon Sinek in The Infinite Game. So, I want you to think about this, though. I’m not going to be relating it to business today. We’re going to talk about your family. We’re going to talk about your marriage and your children, because a lot of you listening have spouses and children. And if you don’t, that’s okay. You can apply this in other areas, but stay with me.

So, we’re going to talk first about results, and then we’re going to talk about values. And then, we’re going to talk about how those two intersect and what matters most, and how we’re driving the two. Okay? And I will use some business analogies to try to teach it to you. So, let’s see if you can follow where my head is going.

So we have results, first of all, okay? The result is what we’re ultimately trying to accomplish. It’s what we hope that all of our efforts and behaviors will lead to, in the end. And so I want to talk about this primarily with how it relates to our children.

Because I think as parents, it’s so hard not to get hung up on results, because we do want results. That is the goal. Okay? So just like if I’m running a business, then I have results I’m trying to achieve.

For example, maybe I’m trying to make a certain amount of revenue. Maybe I’m trying to help a certain number of clients. Maybe I’m trying to grow the business in a certain way. Maybe I have a certain number of employees I want to bring on right. So those would be results.

But then, we have values that should be driving everything we’re doing. They’re the reason why we’re trying to achieve our results. They’re the culture and the motivators, and the bigger picture behind everything else we’re doing. Okay?

So, in a company, maybe the big picture is we’re trying to make the world better. We’re trying to help people. We’re trying to empower people in some certain way, or help them in some certain way. That’s typically what’s behind a business.

So, let’s bring it back to family now, for just a minute, okay? What are the results in your family? And I do tons of coaching with individuals who are concerned that they’re not getting the results they want in their family. Of course, we do this for business too, in my program.

But here are what I sort of defined as results when it comes to family. The kids’ grades are a result, right? Whether or not they’re good at the sports that they’re playing, whether or not they’re getting on the teams they want to.

Or, getting into the colleges that they want to, or that we want them to get into. Whether or not they’re playing that musical instrument, and whether or not they’re doing a good job at it, and that they’re practicing. Whether or not they go on a mission is a result. Whether or not they get married in the temple or are active in the church, or are going to church, or are temple worthy, those are all results. Okay?

So, again, not that those things don’t matter, it’s okay. And there may be a lot more. That’s just sort of the list that I came up with of the things that I coach on the most often.

When we talked about this on my Be Bold Masters call, one of the students said, whether or not my child tells me the truth, or they lie to me, that might be a result. Okay? So you might have other things that fit in this bucket that I want you to think about, but the results are the ultimate outcome, okay?

Now, on the other hand, we have values. Which is, again, what should be driving everything. Like, the reason we want them to get good grades is what? Because we’re hoping that we’re instilling in them the value of excellence and hard work and focus, and striving to achieve goals, right? Those are values.

Values are going to tend to be things like attitudes we want them to adopt, or that we’re going to offer them, at least. Openness, honesty, kindness, truth, righteousness, spirituality, relationships, connection. These things fall more into the values bucket, right? They’re harder to define. It’s harder to know, like, are we meeting that or not?

It’s much more ambiguous. We might even all have different definitions of whether or not we’re succeeding in that area. But they are, as you can see, the important thing there, even the reason why we’re trying to achieve results. Like, why do we want our kids to go on missions? I think this is so fascinating.

I coach all the time, individuals on like either my child is choosing not to go on a mission, or this is a common one. We’re studying the scriptures. I’m trying to have scripture study in my home, and we get together and we read the scriptures on a certain frequency. Maybe it’s every week or every day or whatever it is. And, my kids are grumpy and they’re not participating. They have bad attitudes, or they’re just goofing off, and they’re never serious. Or, they’re mad that we’re doing it, or my spouse is mad or doesn’t want to do it. Like, there’s all this problem that other people aren’t showing up to scripture study the way that we wish they would. Right?

So when I ask someone, “Okay, what is the reason why you’re studying the scriptures in your home?” The most common answer I get, number one answer, hands down is, “Well, because we’ve been told to. Because the Prophet told us to.” And I say, “Okay, that’s a good start. But why did the Prophet tell us to? And why do you want to do what the Prophet tells you to do?”

Now, the majority of the time when I asked this question, do you know what I get? Silence. They don’t know the answer. They haven’t really thought about the answer before. They haven’t paused to consider the real why, the real values behind us reading our scriptures.

There’s a reason why the Prophet has advised us to read the scriptures with our families. And it’s not to try to make our lives challenging, or to see if you can get your children in line. It’s not any of that. It’s because it should help us connect with our Heavenly Father when we do that.

It will reinforce our testimony. It will send a message to our kids about the importance of the gospel, and the importance of our relationship with Christ. And help our children come to know Christ, so that they can feel of His love, and so that they can know that they are important and loved and amazing. And that there is another option when they make choices that don’t align with what they believe. Like, that’s the reason why. Right?

So, if we find that there’s a lot of contention, a lot of arguing, a lot of disconnect in our own minds around scripture study, then we’re missing the point entirely. Right? If it disconnects, if it causes spirit to leave our house, because the kids are goofing off and now I’m mad, and I’m throwing things, or I’m yelling, or I’m pouting in my room, whatever. That’s not inviting the spirit. It’s missing the point, right?

Why do we want our kids to go on missions? Same thing. Because a child going on a mission, that should be the result, if all of the value systems are lining up the way we want them to, right? Like if they are developing a testimony, and they have a desire to do what’s right, and they want to serve the Lord, and they want to follow the Prophet, and they have the spirit in their lives, then they will probably feel compelled to serve a mission.

But guess what? If we lose sight of the values and of what matters, then we miss the point, even if we’re getting the results. Okay? So, let me give you a way to break this down that, to me, makes the most sense. And again, in The Infinite Game, Simon Sinek talks about this concept in a slightly different way.

When he talked about it, I was like, “Oh, that’s that thing I used to use, as a leadership coach in corporate.” And so, I’m sort of taking what he said, combined with the tool I used to use, combined with my own thoughts and ideas here. And let me see if I can present it to you in a way that makes sense here, without actually a visual chart.

But here’s the idea. If you think about a box, okay? That’s divided into four quadrants, this is the way I used to teach this to managers and leaders. We divide it into four quadrants, okay? And if we label each of the four quadrants, A, B, C and D, then what we have here is four different types of players, if you will. Okay?

And, by the way, we ourselves are a player as well. So we want to figure out which quadrant do we fall into? So, in Quadrant A, you have people who are getting the result that we want, and they’re living their values. Okay? This is ideal. This is what we want to be shooting for. This is what we hope our children will do. This is what we hope employees will do. It’s not always going to happen, and that’s okay.

Okay? So getting results, in other words, making good grades. You know, achieving the things that they set out to achieve, and that we hope they’ll achieve. And going on missions, and going to church, and all that stuff. And, they have good attitudes and they’re honest, and they’re open and they’re connecting, and they’re trying their best, and they’re kind. That’s, for some reason, what we think all of our kids should be. It’s not going to be all of them. Okay?

Then we have Quadrant B, right next to Quadrant A. Okay? In Quadrant B, we have the person who is not getting results, but they share our values. Okay? They’re living, at least the majority of the time, into the value system that we encourage, but they’re not getting the results. Okay?

So, this might be your child who is trying their best, but they’re not getting good grades in school. Maybe they’re not capable of it, for some reason. Maybe they just, for whatever reason, are falling short. Maybe school is really challenging for them.

Maybe they come to us and say, “Mom, listen. I know you want me to serve a mission. I always thought I would. But I don’t feel good about going on a mission right now. I don’t feel like I’m ready, or I’m not sure I have a testimony to this church. Or, I’m not worthy right now. I’ve made some choices and I’m not worthy to go the Temple. I’m not worthy to go on a mission.” Okay?

That is a child living into our value system. Our values, say honesty, right? Integrity, truth. They don’t say, hey, let’s just pretend and go on a mission, even if you don’t think you should, or you don’t want to. Okay? So, Quadrant B, not getting the results, necessarily, that we want for them or that we set out to achieve in our company, if we’re talking about a company. But, they live our value system.

So, this would be an employee who is kind and honest and willing and open and coachable. But so far, yet, hasn’t figured out how to achieve the goals we’ve put in front of them. Okay? That’s a B player.

Then we have C players, okay? C players are people who are getting results, but they are not sharing our value system. Okay? Now, you might be thinking, how could that be? Well, it can, actually. Here’s what it looks like.

In a company, it’s that salesperson that’s really successful, that sells a lot of stuff. That’s exceeding our goals, even, doing amazingly well in many cases, but they’re really mean to everybody. Maybe they cut corners, and maybe they just show up to work whenever they want and leave whenever they want.

And they disregard rules, they’re not team players. They’re not in line with our vision of what we’re trying to do in the end, but they’re getting the results. They’re bringing in revenue, they’re hitting numbers. Okay? This is what it looks like in a company. And leaders tend to have a really hard time holding these people accountable, because we don’t want to make them mad. We don’t want them to leave.

In a family, what does this look like? Again, this can be us, or it can be our children or our spouse. So, the C player is maybe getting great grades. But, how are they doing it? Are they stressed out all the time? Are they mean to people, and grumpy along the way? Are they so competitive that they sort of have disregard for other people? Or, are they cheating to get good grades?

Are they again, maybe really good at sports, but not in an ethical way? Not in the way that we would encourage? Maybe they are even going on a mission, and it doesn’t have to be that they’re just really rude and mean. Maybe they’re afraid to tell us the truth.

Maybe they’re going on that mission because they’re afraid to say, “Mom and Dad, I don’t know if I should serve a mission. I don’t know that I want to. I don’t know that I’m worthy to. I don’t know that I’m ready to.” And so they do, and they try to make themselves, but really, they’re not ready or they’re not worthy. We know what that leads to, right? The problems that creates. That is a C player, okay?

Then we have D players. D players are the people who do not share our values and are not getting results. Okay? So, that’s going to be, again, those players are pretty obvious. Like, if it’s an employee, those are the people that we need to hold accountable, and probably don’t belong at this company, for various reasons. If it’s a child, those are challenging children, but they need to be held accountable when it comes right down to it, right?

So, let’s talk about, first of all, what is ideal? Obviously A player is ideal. We want to be A players. Hopefully we have lots of A players in our lives. But, they’re pretty rare, actually. What we’re going to see more is C and B players, okay? Those are going to be common.

So, what would you prefer? This is the question we talked about on Be Bold Masters today. Would you prefer a C player or a B player? So, by way of reminding you, a B player is not getting results, but has our values. A C player is getting results, but not through our value system. What would you prefer?

I hope you’re answering a B player. Because not getting results is just a part of life. It’s just part of the deal. That’s how it goes. We’re not supposed to be successful all the time. We’re not supposed to be able to do it all the time. It’s just not going to happen. Failure is part of the deal, right? It’s how we learn. It’s how we grow. It’s part of our evolution.

If we were always able to get results, then we wouldn’t even need to come here to Earth, to have this experience. So, not getting results, but shares our values. That’s preferred over even the C player that is getting results, but sabotaging.

Because in a company, we call those people on-board terrorists. We used to, I should say, at my previous company. Because those people are contributing to a toxic environment for everybody else. We don’t want to kill the culture. We don’t want to kill the value, the mission, the purpose for what we’re doing. That will be detrimental in the long run, even if we’re getting some benefit from it in the short term.

So, we need to be holding C players accountable. Accountable for the behaviors we expect. And guess what? They may not like it. Kids might not like it when you’re like, “Oh, you were not very kind to your sister. Here’s the consequence for that.” “Oh, teenager, you lied about this thing. I love you, but here’s the consequence for that.”

They may not like it, right? Your job is to stay in living into your values. Stay in kindness and openness and honesty and love, as you enforce consequences.

D players, again, in a company, it’s a little easier because we can just simply give them options and either they work themselves up to becoming A or B players, or they work themselves out of the company. But when it’s a child, it’s a little trickier, right? But again, accountability is going to be the key. Are you holding them accountable?

Now, here is the next thing I want to offer you, when it comes to thinking about things in this way. So, if we all agree, hopefully I sold you on the idea that values are more important than results. Even though we want results, values matter more. Then, I want you to pause and consider what message you are sending to your children.

Do you think they understand that values matter more than results? Or, do they not? Because here’s what I notice. We’re pretty good at celebrating our kids when they get results, right? They come home with the good grades and we say, “Way to go! I’m so proud of you.”

And, for the most part, we’re good at holding kids accountable to results, too. If they don’t achieve the result, maybe there’s a consequence. Maybe they do a great job at their violin recital, and then we take them out for frozen yogurt afterwards. Or, their sports team wins and we celebrate. And we really are pretty good at acknowledging and celebrating results. And so, our kids start hearing the message, results matter.

Now, again, not that results shouldn’t matter. Think about, like, when the missionary is opening up his mission call, and he has family and friends, and everybody gathers around, and gets on Skype, and waits for that moment when he opens it up. Because we’re sending the message that that is a pivotal moment. And maybe it is. But, do we send that message about our value system?

I just told my Be Bold Masters this. I’m like, “You guys, I just heard Gary V. give this story that really made me think.” And if you don’t know Gary V., Gary Vaynerchuk, he’s a highly successful multi, I think multi-billionaire, probably, entrepreneur and investor, and he has a pretty foul mouth.

So, if you’re going to go listen to him, I found a podcast that is curse-free Gary V. So, you can check that out. But, anyway, I really like Gary V. He’s very direct. He says exactly what he thinks. He doesn’t really care what other people think. He’s very driven, motivated, works super hard. And, he believes in treating people well. He believes in kindness. He believes in looking out for other people.

And so, I heard him recently being interviewed, and the interviewer said, “How did you gain this appreciation for kindness and treating people well?” Because, to be honest, he seems like the kind of guy that could really be a jerk. Like, that could really, like, it almost, until you get to know him, it appears that he doesn’t care about other people. Because he’s just so blunt and open, but he really does. I really do believe that, after listening to him for a long time.

But anyway, he says, “My mom instilled it in me. I really think it came from my mother.” he says. He said, “My mom valued kindness, and she celebrated it in me, whenever I demonstrated it.”

He tells the story about being, I think he said around eight years old, and he was walking into a store with his mother. And there was another woman walking in right next to them. And he just paused and held the door open for this other woman, and let her go through first.

And he says, “My mom talked about that for like, two weeks afterwards. She talked about how amazing that was that I held the door, how kind that was. How it’s so important to be kind. How she’s so proud of me for doing that.” He’s like, “It was a two-week ordeal, that little act of me holding open the door. And that wasn’t a one-time event. She celebrated kindness in me whenever she saw it. And she sort of nurtured it in me, and so I got the message that, yeah, grades are important, kind of. But not as important as kindness.”

And it really made me pause and think. Especially because I happen to be reading The Infinite Game with Simon Sinek, who talks about values being more important than results. And I thought, do I do that for my kids? Do I really acknowledge and celebrate the things that matter to me?

Do I say, “Hey, kids, thanks for going to church today. I know you didn’t really want to go. I know it was early. I know it was boring. I know you were super uncomfortable in those clothes that you had to wear. And I am proud of you for going. And I believe that your Heavenly Father appreciates that you went, too.”

Like, do we celebrate things? Or do we just expect certain things of our kids, to the point that we don’t acknowledge it and really nurture it in them? If we expect them to be honest, we’re pretty good at when they lie, saying “You lied. Here’s the consequence.”

But what about when they tell the truth? Do we say “Listen, I’m so appreciative and proud of you for telling the truth. And I know that was hard to tell me the truth right then. I know that was a challenging thing to tell me. And it matters to me that you tell the truth. I think it will help your life be better if you choose to tell the truth. I think it’s what Heavenly Father wants from you. And I hope you’ll continue to choose that. Way to go.”

I mean, do we do that? I’ll tell you, my husband’s a lot better at this than me. He’s constantly thanking our kids for little things like, “Hey, thanks for getting ready so quickly and getting out the door.” “Thanks, bigger kids, for helping the little kids out.” Like, he’s way better at it than me.

But something about Gary V. telling that story just really struck me, and I thought, I have got to do a better job of telling my kids what I think is true, which is that living into their values matters more to me than the results. It really does.

All right, you guys. That is what I have for you today. Thank you for joining me on the podcast. Have a beautiful, amazing week. Don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode, and I’ll see you next time. Take care.

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Come to the call and ask me a question anonymously, or just listen in. Go to jodymoore.com/askjody and register before you miss it. I’ll see you there.