I have a dear friend getting married this weekend. I’m so thrilled for her. She’s wise enough not to fall for “happily ever after” but strong enough to create any kind of world she wants with this brilliant man. I’ve not yet met said man, but based on the one big choice I’m aware he’s making, I think he must be brilliant.
Given the wedding is approaching, I’ve been thinking a lot about how marriage begins as a fairy tale and then takes a course you can neither expect nor plan for. I’m thinking about how it’s such hard work some days, and painful some years, and then other times it’s a gift you know you don’t deserve and can’t imagine living without. These are some of the things I believe about marriage today:
Marriage = a new family = awesome.
Working together is hard but worth it.
Sleeping alone stinks.
Allowing someone to see all of my faults is liberating.
Loving someone, including all of his faults, is empowering.
Despite popular advice, going to bed angry is fine and sometimes necessary.
My relationship can be as extraordinary as I want it to be.
My clients and I talk a lot about their relationships with their husbands and based on what I hear, what I’ve learned through my education and training, and my own experience I believe that your married mind tries to trick you.
It’s like the cover of US Magazine saying, “Is Jen Pregnant?” and if you fall for it and open the magazine and read, you realize that it was all a trick and in fact Jen is NOT pregnant. She just wore a big poncho to Starbucks last week and someone caught it on camera. And now you’ve wasted ten minutes of your life reading all about it. Ten minutes you’ll never get back, because you fell for the cover. Don’t fall for it if your married mind tries to tell you any of the following:
1. You Can Change Your Husband
You need him to change.
If you can just get him to stop doing certain things, THEN you’ll be happy.
You NEED him to start doing certain things in order for you to be happy.
If you just have a plan and stick to it, you can totally get him to change.
It’s a trick. You can’t change him and you really don’t need to. You choose how you’re going to feel regardless of the people around you. You choose it and you create it. This has always been true and will continue to be true now that you’re a married woman.
2. It’s Your Job to Make Your Husband Happy
If he’s sad or mad or depressed you should feel bad too.
If you don’t then you’re not being sensitive to him.
If you just do more of the things he likes or stop doing things he doesn’t like, then he’ll be happy and then you’ll be happy.
And that’s your job.
If you’re a good wife, you’ll do your best to make him happy.
It’s your tricky, tricky mind trying to trick you. You actually cannot make him happy. He gets to choose how he’s going to feel and it’s got very little to do with you even if he doesn’t realize it. You don’t need him to be happy for you to be happy.
If he is struggling, it’s much more helpful for you to keep yourself feeling good than to get into the ditch with him. You can’t help pull him out of the ditch if you’re in it with him. Notice I said help. If he wants your help, you have amazing power and influence and abilities to help, but make sure you know that’s all it is. It’s help, which you’re offering out of love, if he asks for it. It’s not your duty or obligation and many times he won’t want it and that’s ok too.
Furthermore, you could do every little thing he loves every day and he could be miserable. This idea of “meeting one another’s needs” is dangerous. In the end another person cannot give you true peace or joy. That can only come from your own internal thoughts about yourself. The best thing you can do is to love him, stay close to the Spirit, and love yourself. If you do those three things, you’ll know exactly what to do.
3. If He Really Loved Me He Would do the Dishes
He’d compliment me more.
He’d take out the garbage because he knows it’s important to me.
If he really loved me, he’d try harder.
He would have remembered my birthday.
If he really loved me, he would act differently.
This is your mind playing a trick. There are one million and three possible reasons why he didn’t do the dishes again. Not loving you is most likely very low on the list. Tell your mind to settle down. You’re not falling for that. Walt Disney and Nicholas Sparks have misinformed your intuition in the name of entertainment. All is well. Nothing has gone wrong here.
4. Maybe I Should Not Stay Married to This Guy
Maybe I made a mistake.
I picked the wrong guy.
The butterflies are gone.
I’ve fallen out of love.
It’s not fun most days. It’s hard work most days.
Love shouldn’t be such hard work, right?
Maybe if I get out of this marriage I’ll be happy again.
That lady is lucky. It would be easier if I had a husband more like hers.
Total trick. Don’t fall for it. The grass is not greener. This just means you’ve got work to do. Work that can be challenging but is so very worth it. Changing your circumstances might provide temporary relief, but eventually the work will show up for you again. The discontent and frustration is actually a gift to you. It’s a message that you’ve found the area where you can evolve if you do the work.
It’s why we’re here on Earth. To do the work on ourselves. It’s worth it to do the work. Ending your marriage might be the right move for you, but do the work FIRST and then you’ll know for sure and you’ll learn what you were meant to learn in the process. Only decide to leave your marriage when you can do so from feelings of peace and love. You’re not ready if you’re doing it from feelings of anger, frustration or fear.
My friend might not ask me to give the toast after reading this, and her mind might not play these same tricks, but every married person I know runs into some form of these at some point. So when they pop up, congratulate yourself for being totally normal, and get excited about the growth you’re about to experience. A new version of you is waiting on the other side. I can’t wait to meet her.
xoxo
Jody Moore
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