241. Allowing People to be Wrong About You

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy episode 241: Allowing People to be Wrong About You.

This podcast is for people who know that living an extraordinary life is not easy or comfortable, it’s so much better than that.  This is Better Than Happy and I’m your host, Jody Moore.

Hey, everybody, welcome to the podcast.  Thanks for tuning in today, thanks for joining me.  I hope you’re having an amazing week.  We’re just wrapping up Better Than Happy Live in Salt Lake last week.  It was such a fun day.  I think it might’ve been my most favorite Live day I’ve done yet.  You guys were awesome, those of you that were there.

We did some really fun, profound coaching and I taught a little bit about how to achieve your goals faster.  It was just a great day and I’m still on a high from it.  So, if you missed it, I’m going to be back, don’t worry.  I’ll be back this summer.  I’ll let you know when and where to get your ticket, but you should for sure come to a Live event if you haven’t because I don’t know why the coaching is just so much more profound live and we get to have a good time and give away some prizes and all that good stuff.

So, we’re also getting ready to enroll for Be Bold Masters. This event is unlike anything else I do.  You do have to be in Be Bold to register for that.  So, if you think you might be interested in Be Bold Masters, you need to go sign up for Be Bold at JodyMoore.com/membership and get in there, but I created Be Bold Masters to be the experience that I am always seeking for myself.

Ever since I started going through these experiences where I developed so intensely in such a short amount of time, I thought, “I want to do this on the regular.” So, my first real experience, I would say with this was when I went through coach training six years ago and it was a week long and I was a different person on the other side of it.

So, I created this to be that kind of an experience. It’s not coach training. I’m not teaching you to coach, but I’m creating an experience that will evolve you as a person. We send our loved ones to experiences like this all the time. We send our kids to EFY and on missions and to all kinds of other things and we sign them up for club sports and maybe our spouses get to go to leadership conferences and things. What do you do for you?

I’ll tell you, I make sure that I do multiple experiences every year. But even if you just do one a year, I recommend that you have something that’s just for you where you are not only taking a look at yourself and your thinking and all of that on a really deep, intense level, but also having a good time.

We have an amazing time at Be Bold Masters. So, those of you in Be Bold there will be a lot more information coming soon about that. If you’re not in Be Bold and you think you might want to join me for that five-day, in-person, live small group event, then make sure you get in there.

All right so today I’m going to talk about allowing people to be wrong about you. How does that sound? I love this topic. I just the other day thought, “Why have I not done a podcast on this?” And threw it at the top of my list. I probably have hundreds of ideas on my list, but this one, I was like, “I’m doing that one next. I can’t wait.”

So, the way to think about the way we operate as human beings. We want approval. We do. We all seek it. We seek approval from one another. Like, wouldn’t it be great if everyone adored you? Doesn’t it seem like it would be great anyway if everyone adored you?

So this doesn’t mean that you’re insecure, that something’s the matter with you, that you’re weak. People say to me all the time, “I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think.” I’m like, “No, of course you care about what other people think.”

You don’t have to let it drive you, you can temper with what you know is true. But you’re always going to probably care about what other people think to a certain extent and you’re going to wish that they all loved you because your brain believes that would be really useful. And then you would give yourself permission to love yourself. Right?

So, that’s what we all prefer. If we can’t have that, then we at least want other people to understand us. I hear this all the time when I’m coaching, too. They’re like, “Well, all the people in my family,” or, “These certain people in my family. They don’t approve of me. They criticize me. But it’s because they don’t understand me. I just want them to understand where I’m coming from. I just want them to get what’s going on, because I – “Here’s what’s at the root of it. “I feel like if they understood me and if they knew where I was coming from, then they wouldn’t be so critical and judgmental.” Right?

That’s what we really mean when we say, “I just want them to understand me. I think they’re misunderstood.” We just worry that if they misunderstand, then they’re going to criticize us and that if they understand then maybe they would be less critical and we could win approval which is ultimately what we want.

So, number one, we want approval. If we can’t have that number two, we at least want people to understand us. And number three, if we can’t have any of that, then we at least want to beat them at criticizing ourselves. Do you ever feel this way?

This is when people say, “I know I’m totally messed up in this way. I know you probably don’t do this and I do this. I know I have this problem. I know I fall short in this area.” We say that because we want people to know I already am one step ahead of you. I already know that I’m falling short in this way. I already know that I’m a mess or a problem or not good at this thing.

And so we sort of proclaim that as if our own self-judgment means that at least we’re not foolish, at least we’re not in the dark. At least we’re aware of it. So these are the three levels I notice of things that people seek. Number one, I would love for them to love me, but if they can’t, I want them to at least understand me. If they can’t, then I at least want them to know that I know that I’m a mess.

My question for you is, why? Why do we want any of that? Now, again, part of the answer to why is, well, we’re human beings with human brains. We were designed this way. We don’t exactly know why. But again, I think it’s a valuable question to consider, because when we really ask ourselves why, we sort of unravel the need for it at all. Okay?

Because what we ultimately want is just to feel good about ourselves. That’s what we want. But we don’t give ourselves permission sometimes to feel good about ourselves until everybody else or at least the people that matter approve of us first. Then we give ourselves permission to approve of us. So, that doesn’t really make sense, right?

You’re allowed to think whatever you want to about yourself. Did you know this? You genuinely are. You don’t have to have anybody else’s approval. In fact, everybody else can think that you’re wrong. Everybody else can think that you’re just not self-aware and you’re still allowed to approve of yourself. You are allowed to just decide that they are wrong, that they’re misunderstanding and that they don’t get you, and it’s okay.

We don’t really need them to as long as you get you, as long as you’re able to approve of you. So, I just want you to try on the idea that we could stop trying to control what everybody thinks of us because that doesn’t work very well. Instead, we could decide that we get to think whatever we want to about us and we get to think whatever we want to about other people in the world and that is the only thing we need to manage.

We don’t need to manage their opinions. We just need to manage our own. We don’t need to manage how they feel. We only need to manage how we feel. Now, we address this in a lot of different ways. I talk about this on the podcast a lot. We address it in Be Bold with some more specific tools and in fact, in March, our topic is connection on purpose. It’s all about relationships.

But for today, I want to just offer to you the idea that you could just allow other people to be wrong about you. You could just give them permission to be wrong about you. Isn’t that nice of us to do? Because they are going to choose to think whatever they want to. We can’t control them. And for some reason, our brains think that if we resist it and we get mad about it, then in some way we’re going to control what they think about us. Except that when we’re resisting and mad and fearful and insecure, we actually usually end up with people thinking even more negative thoughts about us.

So, what if we just decide it’s okay? I give all of them permission to think whatever they want to, and I give people permission to be wrong about me at times when they’re wrong. It gives us the permission to not have to agree with them and their criticism of us. It gives us permission to not have to try to convince them or even to waste any time or thought on it at all.

It sort of sounds like this to me in my head. “You know, that person thinks this about you,” and I say, “It’s okay. I give people permission to be wrong about me,” and my brain says, “Oh okay. So now what?” And we move on to the next thing.

It’s like a really powerful redirect. What most people try is to say, “Well, it doesn’t matter what people think.” “This person thinks this thing about you.” “What does it matter what people think?” Except our brains don’t think that. They think that it does matter or I shouldn’t care. I’m not supposed to worry about what other people think. Or maybe they’re just misunderstood. Let me explain it to them. All of that, I think is a waste for me anyway. It’s a waste of my brain. I don’t want to waste my brain on that.

So instead, I say, “I know it’s okay. I give them permission to think whatever they want and they could be wrong about me.” This really helped me when I first started my coaching practice because I decided to enroll at the Life Coach School .First of all, you start telling people, “Yeah, I’m in to I’m going to go through this class and I’m going to become a life coach.” You get some interesting looks. You get some interesting responses.

Then you get through coach training and you’re like, “Hey, I’m a coach now and I can coach people,” and you get some more interesting looks and responses. I had my own insecurity and vulnerability about being a life coach. So, where I got to peace was I decided, wait a second. It’s okay for people to be wrong about life coaching. It’s okay for them to be wrong about me.  It’s okay for them to have judgments about what I’m doing or to think that they know what it is or to think that that’s so cute. Who does she think? Whatever they think.

It’s totally fine. They’re allowed to think whatever they want. I give them permission and they’re wrong about me in many ways. This gave me the. courage then to go and put my message into the world, to go start sharing it with people not only to share what I was learning and the tools that for me had been so life changing, but to share it and to not be good at it.

I wasn’t good at it at first. You guys, my web site was not attractive. Not good. I did it myself. My coaching wasn’t great. It was very elementary let’s just say, okay? I was writing a blog in the beginning and my writing wasn’t great.

But if I got all up in my head about what people are going to think and people are going to judge me, then I would have slowed all of that down. I would have stopped sharing it, at least not as aggressively. And I would have slowed down my ability to go help people in the world, let alone the goals I was trying to achieve.

And so I just gave permission to other people to be wrong about me. To think that I didn’t know what I was doing, to think that I wasn’t good at it, to think that I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing, to think that it’s silly, to think whatever they want to think. I just gave them permission. The best part about that was it got me out of the way. Then I could just go do what I felt called to do.

Now, as I’ve become more successful, my business has grown and I have more of a following now. You’d think, “Oh, it will get easier,” right? Because now people know who you are and you have this reputation. Except that no, it doesn’t actually get easier because the more people that follow you, the more people that are that have opinions about you. So, it’s just on a different level now.

So, here are just some of the things that people have reached out to me to let me know they think about me or my work where I just do work on my own brain to say, “It’s okay, people can be wrong about me.” So, first of all, there’s a whole slew of comments that I get when it comes to our religion, to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and the work that I’m doing and how it relates to their religion.

I’ve had people tell me that I’m trying to replace the role of a bishop or another church leader. I just know that they’re wrong about that. I definitely want no part of replacing the role of a bishop or any other church leader. That’s not what I’m doing here by any means, by any stretch of the imagination. A bishop’s job is to counsel and lead their congregation about spiritual matters. My job is to show people their brains. It’s pretty different work in my opinion.

I’ve had people tell me that I’m trying to rewrite the proclamation to the family, which I’m like, “What?” I’m definitely not trying to do that. That’s a document that our church leaders created to talks about families. And it’s a beautiful part of what we teach and what we believe in. I have no interest in editing that in any form. But people tell me that. I should say one person told me that and I just decided it’s okay. They can be wrong about me.

I’ve had people tell me that I’m implying to people that they should come to me for counsel instead of turning to the Lord or turning to the scriptures, to which I say, “No, you’re completely wrong about that.” In fact, those of you in my coaching program know that I don’t tell people what to do. I don’t get in your action line. I don’t believe that I know what you should do as well as you know what you should do and I think that that is between you and the Lord. I just help people clean up their thinking around it. I help people get unstuck and I help people.

I think the work that I do helps people access the spirit and hear what God is trying to tell them more often. I’ve had someone even very recently tell me that they think I don’t care about the truth. Like we have things that we believe that we’re taught in the doctrine of our church and I don’t impose my beliefs on my clients.

So, sometimes my clients share my beliefs and sometimes they don’t. I had someone recently criticized me saying, “Why didn’t you tell them this is true?” I said, “Because it’s not my job to tell people what’s true for them. It’s my job to help them figure out what’s true for them. I’m not teaching gospel doctrine here. I’m coaching people’s brains.”

So again, in that area of church, in doctrine, sometimes people are wrong about me, and you know what? It’s okay. I don’t write them long letters back. I don’t reply with long explanations. I might give like a simple one sentence reply and that’s it, because it’s okay for them to be wrong about me.

I’ve had some people reach out to me to let me know about how they think I’m doing it wrong when it comes to being a mom and an entrepreneur or a working mother. I’ve had people point out to me where they think I’m selfish. Maybe you guys have heard me talk about the school bus email because I got like a half a dozen responses when I wrote my Take Tuesday email about how amazing school buses are because they take my kids to school and bring them home and don’t we live in a great world?

I had several people reach out telling me that that’s selfish, I should be driving my kids to school. I should be spending that time with them. I should be putting them on the bus and I’m neglecting my role as a mother. I’ve had people tell me that they think I’m trying to send the message that being an entrepreneur or working mom is superior to being a stay at home mom, which I couldn’t agree with less. I definitely don’t think anyone is superior. I think both of them have extreme challenges and benefits. I think they’re both hard. I think that people should do, though, what they feel is right for them in their lives.

I’ve had people tell me that I’m a “pretend therapist,” to which I say, “No, I never once have claimed to be a therapist or pretended to be a therapist or wanted to be a therapist. I’m different than a therapist.” I’ve had people be, “wrong” about me, about all kinds of other things. You guys you wouldn’t believe.

I’ve had people tell me that I shouldn’t talk about food and weight loss because it triggers people who have eating disorders. People tell me I shouldn’t talk about money. I shouldn’t say that looking at pornography is the same brain loop as eating a brownie even though it is the same brain loop as eating a brownie. I’ve had people tell me that I should share more about what’s going on with me personally and about myself. I’ve had people tell me that I shouldn’t share so much about myself personally because nobody cares and they don’t want to hear it.

I have people tell me that I shouldn’t charge so much for my programs and I am not exaggerating when I say I have people tell me all the time that I should charge way more for my programs. I have people tell me that I should stop talking about the church and bringing religion into my work because I’m excluding a whole group of people. And then I’ve had other people tell me that I should be referencing the scriptures a lot more.

I have people tell me that I should be careful what I say and that certain things that I’ve said are not useful and might be leading people the wrong direction. I have people send me books all the time. My husband’s like, “You got another book.” People tell me what books I should read.

I have people tell me that I should not quote people like Martha Beck or Byron Katie or Abraham. I have people tell me that I use language that’s offensive and I should clean it up. Then probably my all-time favorite is when somebody took my picture and Photoshopped my eyebrows and sent it to me to let me know that I’m doing my eyebrows wrong. That my eyebrows should be different. I’m not even kidding. You can’t make this stuff up, right?

So guess what? All of that’s true and you know what else is true? I get thousands of reviews and messages and emails and DMs on social media and handwritten notes and cards from people thanking me for the work that I share in the world and telling me about how they’ve applied it and how they’ve changed in profound ways. Way more of that than I get criticism. I get 99% positive feedback and I get a little bitty 1% criticism.

Most people love what they’re learning here and they want to give me the credit. They want to tell me that they love me and they appreciate me and that they think the work I’m doing is amazing and that I’ve changed their life. And do you know what? I let them be wrong about me. That is wrong, too.

I’m not the reason that your life is better. I didn’t do anything. You did it. Even though maybe you got some help through the tools that I’m sharing, it still wasn’t me. It was the tools. It was the way you took a look at your brain. You’re way more responsible for that change in your life than I am. I used to really struggle with this, when people would want to compliment me and tell me I’m amazing. My head was like, “Oh, if they only knew how wrong they are about you. If they only knew what a mess you are.”

I really had a hard time with that. I wrestled with it a lot. But now I just let people be wrong about me. It’s so peaceful. Here’s the thing. Are they wrong? All those people criticizing me, telling me that I’m selfish and I’m doing it wrong and I’m misrepresenting and I should be different than I am.

Are they wrong? No, not really. Like in some ways, I am all those things. Sometimes I am a mess. Sometimes I do have my own selfish motives and intentions. Sometimes I can be selfish. They’re not really wrong about me, actually. And yet, yes, they are wrong about me, too.

In many ways, I’m not all those things and maybe they just don’t understand where I’m coming from and they don’t understand what’s behind it and they’re misinterpreting some of what I say. So, no they’re not wrong and yes, they are wrong, but I give them permission to be wrong. All the people praising me and telling me I’m wonderful. Are they wrong? No, not really. I mean, I’m doing some good work in the world and I’m proud of me and I like me.

On the other hand, yes, they are wrong. In some ways, they are wrong. They don’t know the whole story. But I give them permission. I just let it land. I know that they want to associate me with their happiness because they associate me with where they found the tools to gain that happiness and I can totally appreciate that. But I know the truth. It’s not about me. It’s about all the work that they’ve done.

So, let’s try this on you guys. What if you just give permission to people to be wrong about you? What would you get to focus on and think about and create instead of trying to control what they think? Let’s do that. It’s going to be fun. All right. Thanks for joining me today, you guys. Don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode and I’ll see you next time. Take care.

If you have a question about something you’ve heard me talk about on this podcast or anything else going on in your life, I want to invite you to a free public call. Ask Jody anything. I will teach you the main coaching tool I use with all of my clients in the way to solve any problem in your life and we will plug in real life examples, come to the call and ask me a question anonymously or just listen in. Go to JodyMoore.com/AskJody and register before your miss it. I’ll see you there.