253. Anger Not Required

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy episode 253: Anger Not Required.

Welcome to Better Than Happy. I’m your host, Jody Moore. I’m a mother to four children. I’m a huge Taylor Swift fan, and I’m a master certified life coach. I’m here to teach you how to manage your brain and manage your emotions so that you can create a life that’s even better than happy. Are you ready? Let’s go.

Hello, my friends. How are we doing today? Are you ready for podcast time? I am. My family’s all gone out on to the boat. We have a boat, and my husband’s like, “Hey, let’s take the boat out on the lake. It’s still following social distancing, but we can get out of the house.”

I said, “That sounds like a beautiful idea, honey, except I kind of have some work I want to get caught up on.” It’s only May 5^th so even though it’s a beautiful, lovely day, it’s not going to be super-hot out on the lake. We’re certainly not going to be getting in the lake. So, I opted to stay home, and my sweet husband took all the kids out to the lake. Isn’t that like a dream come true to just be at home alone for a minute?

I love my family and I love having them here, but it is nice to have a minute alone and I thought this might be a great time to record my podcast, so here we go. Today we’re going to talk about why anger is not required and some specific situations in which anger is not required. So, here’s the thing, there are certain things that we do in life that many of us, especially myself anyway, kind of just think that you have to be mad to do.

There are a handful of things that it seems natural, normal, just the way you do it to get mad when you do that thing. Today, I want to tell you that it turns out you don’t have to be mad to do these things. Now, it’s okay to be mad. I’m not telling you need to feel badly if you get mad in these situations and I also am not suggesting that I never get mad or that you should never get mad. But I just love knowing that there is another option.

Even in these situations that seem like the kind of situations where you would be mad, there is another option and I want to talk through what the other options are. Now, before we do that, let’s talk about why. What does anger feel like? Do you know? What does it feel like in your body?

Most people when I ask them this question are able to answer it pretty easily because anger is such a powerful, strong emotion. It’s usually full of heat, it moves really quickly through us, it’s strong enough that most people can tell me maybe their face gets red. Some people tell me their hands get hot. A lot of times the heart beats faster, so we feel like that sensation in the chest, maybe a rushing up and down throughout. Right? That’s kind of what anger feels like.

Now, here’s the thing, it doesn’t feel very good, but it feels kind of powerful. It’s highly energized and highly charged and so sometimes people move into anger after they’ve been in a victim place. They’ve been in a powerless place, they’ve felt weak or unable to take whatever action is necessary for themselves and so moving into anger actually might be really useful, moving into a more powerful place.

I’m not suggesting that anger is always a bad thing or that there isn’t a place for it. It really might be useful, especially if somebody is physically attacking me, I want to be mad. I want to be angry because I need that surge of adrenaline and emotion and heat and the rush through me to give me the best chance at defending myself or running away. Anger can be very useful.

But let’s think about anger as sort of an offense and defense type of emotion. That’s what I find anger does. It either helps us be offensive or defensive or some of both. So, if I’m going to battle, like literally think about when we used to fight wars on the ground back in the 1700s when we would get out our rifles and our swords maybe and go to war against other people in a battle. I can’t even imagine. I just can’t believe that we used to do that. I can’t imagine knowing like, “Hey, we’re just going to go out and fight today with guns and swords and let’s just see what happens.” I think it would be so terrifying.

But at any rate, if I’m going to go to battle like that being angry might be useful. That’s why the captain of an army like that would get the troops riled up before they would go to war. He would give them a little speech about whatever cause they were fighting for. Maybe it was a speech about how oppressed they’ve been and how they’re not going to stand for it anymore and how they’re going to stand up for their family and their nation and they’re going to go to battle and get everybody kind of mad at the opposing side. That could be really useful, right? Because we would need to be able to be offensive and defensive if we were going to battle.

Sometimes even in like sports situations being offensive and defensive could be useful. So, if I’m a coach of a basketball team or a football team or a hockey team, maybe I’m going to get the team a little bit riled up, a little bit angry because I want them to be energized, I want them to have the adrenaline, I want them to be able to hyper focus on the offense and defense required to win the game.

So, anger is not always a bad thing, but there are so many other things in life that don’t need to be a battle that we turn into a battle because we think we need to, but the truth is nobody has to win or lose. There don’t have to be good guys and bad guys. You don’t have to be angry and riled up to be effective at these things and, in fact, peace and calm and love and openness might make you even more effective in these situations.

Certainly, those emotions would make these situations a more enjoyable experience for you. So, I’m going to walk you through 10 that I thought up, there may be more that I’m not thinking of.

The first one I want to talk about is when you have to fire an employee. I remember as a kid my dad had a job and I remember him telling me at one point that he was going to have to go to work that week and he was going to have to fire someone. I remember saying, “Dad, that sounds so terrible. I don’t know how you can do that. It sounds awful.” I could never imagine firing someone and I remember him saying to me, “You know what though, Jody, as a manager or a boss, whatever your position is, if you’re doing your job right then it’s not as terrible to fire that employee because they should know it’s coming.”

So, if your employee isn’t doing a good job, then you don’t tell them that for the first time on the day that you’re firing them or you’re probably not doing a very good job as a boss. There should be a lot of conversations leading up to that that say, “Hey, listen, you’re not on track. We need you to step it up. We need you to be performing better or differently than you are if you want to keep this job.”

So, that should happen enough times and in enough different ways that by the time it’s time to fire them they should expect that it’s coming. So, that was my first taste of, “Oh, it doesn’t have to be a big fight. It doesn’t have to be me being mad at someone.” It can just be like, “Hey, this is the next step in the process.”

Now, once I got a little older and started working in corporate myself I got an even better view of this. I will say there were a couple people in my corporate career who I’m so grateful for that modeled this for me in the most beautiful way. The first one was my good friend, and fellow coach, Kris Plachy who was a leadership coach at the company I worked for for a long time and I remember her coaching managers and directors and I remember watching her help people discipline their employees, that when the employee left, in some situations that employee was so grateful to the boss. Even though they were getting fired.

It was like such a loving, kind dynamic because Kris Plachy showed them how to be kind the whole way. So, here’s what I notice in an employee-boss situation is if your employee is not performing and you make it mean something about you, you take it personally, you think, “Well, they don’t respect me. Or they’re not listening to me. They’re not taking my advice.” Then it’s going to be hard not to get emotional and mad about it.

But if you remember it’s not about you, it’s just some people are going to perform and some are not and some are a good fit for that job and others are not, then you don’t have to get emotional about it. The other person who I’ve talked about on this podcast before, both of these people actually, but the other person is my good friend, Dean Marcado who I remember the first time I had to fire an employee Dean was my boss and he was like, “It’s okay, we’ll do it together. We’re going to be really kind. We’re going to tell this employee, ‘Listen, we value you. We think you have a lot to offer. We would love to have you stay at the company, but these are the expectations that we need you to meet. These are the things we’re asking of you to do. So, your choice is either to step up and do it or step out.’”

He just had that conversation, I got to sit in on it, but he pretty much led the discussion and he’s kind and genuine about wanting to help people succeed that it was just really a great experience for me to see. Now, the employee said that he wasn’t willing to do what we were asking and he chose to leave. But again, it was like – and the employee was upset, I’ll be honest. He wasn’t super happy about it.

But I felt like as the leaders, as the supervisors we were coming from such a kind, loving place. You don’t have to be mad to fire someone. I promise you. Okay, that’s the first one.

Number two, you do not have to be mad to discipline your child. Did you know this? You really don’t. Your child might be making terrible choices. He or she might be taking drugs or sleeping around or lying or skipping school or whatever else they’re doing, okay? Now, it’s normal for you to have thoughts about your child misbehaving, it’s normal for you to have some emotions behind it, but I recommend that you just remind yourself that you can be the parent similar to being the boss.

You can say, “Listen, this is what I expect of you. These are the rules and when this doesn’t happen, this is the consequence, or this is the penalty, or this is the privilege that you lose. I love you and I’m here for you and I’m totally open to hearing what’s going on for you if you need some help, but I’m here to enforce the rules.” You don’t have to be mad.

The part where you freak out and get upset and yell or whatever it looks like for you, is not required. Did you know this, you guys? I promise you it’s not. It doesn’t mean you won’t go there sometimes. It doesn’t mean you should beat yourself up if you do, but you can discipline your child and you can do it from love and kindness. You can say, “I love you, so sorry I have to enforce this, I really don’t want to, but I’m not doing my job as a parent if I don’t.” Amazing, right?

Okay, number three. This one might be obvious to you, but it was not obvious to me for a long time when I first started having kids and that is that I can clean the house and I don’t have to be mad. Again, this might be obvious to some people, but for some reason I had this idea in my head that when you go to clean the house it’s because you’re fed up with the mess and you’re tired of everybody leaving their stuff around and you’re irritated that you’re always the one that has to do it.

So, you’re kind of throwing things and you’re huffing, and puffing, and you’re storming about. Then I realized one day, wait a second, I don’t have to be mad about cleaning the house. I don’t have to be angry that kids are leaving their stuff out because that’s what kids do. I don’t have to become a martyr or a victim or do any of that. In fact, I like cleaning my house. I prefer to clean my house rather than try to get my kids to do chores.

I don’t know that that’s my best parenting. I’m probably not teaching them the things I should be teaching them, right? About how to clean bathrooms and whatever. I’m going to have to do that at some point, but I like it done my way. I especially love if I can just put my earbuds in and listen to some loud music and go into my own head and my own zone.

I love the feeling of being done cleaning the house and looking back at how clean it is and knowing that I did that. That I put in the effort and the time. I love wearing myself out, doing that, taking care of the home that I love and the family that I love. I can just do that. I don’t have to be mad and angry and huffing and puffing. What? This is true. You can just enjoy it. I found that it’s so much more fun to clean the house without getting mad.

Okay, number four, you do not have to be mad to set and uphold a boundary in a relationship. Did you know this? A lot of people think, “I’m going to get mad and put my foot down,” and say, “I’m setting a boundary. It’s not okay to talk to me that way.” Or, “It’s not okay to treat me this way,” or, “It’s not okay to come over announced,” or it’s not okay to whatever it is that you don’t want the person to do.

You don’t have to be mad. Did you know this? In fact, I highly recommend that before you set a boundary you get your head in a space of like, “Listen, this person can do whatever they want.” If it’s an adult, if you don’t have any jurisdiction over them they are allowed to do whatever they want, but you simply are allowed to do whatever you want also in response.

Setting a boundary, especially if we’re going to have a conversation about it – if I’m going to have a conversation with someone that says, “Listen, this is my boundary and I just want you to know.” It’s so much better if it’s, “Because I love you. Because I care about our relationship.” I don’t walk around to people I don’t love and care about and tell them my boundaries. I don’t walk around downtown going, “By the way stranger, if you hit me I will call the police.” That’s not necessary. I don’t need to tell everybody my boundaries.

The only time I actually have a boundary conversation is when it’s somebody that I really care about and I want to keep caring about them and I want to think compassionate, kind, loving thoughts about them. So, I may say, “Listen, I know you have a tendency – “ let’s just use an example, “I know you have a tendency to get upset and then yell and use profanity and things which you’re totally allowed to do, but I don’t like being talked to that way.

“So, I’m just letting you know that if you choose to get upset and use that kind of language. I’m going to go ahead and leave. I’m going to go for a little drive or I’m going to go for a walk,” or whatever it is you’re going to do, “I’m going to leave for a little while to remove myself from the situation until you calm down because I just don’t like being in that environment.

“I’m telling you this because I care about you, because I care about our relationship, because I want us to be closer and I hope that you’ll respect my wish not to talk to me that way, but certainly it’s your right to do so. I just have the right to leave. So, I want you to know ahead of time what’s happening.”

Doesn’t that sound like a more grown up way to set up a boundary? It feels so much better. Now, that doesn’t mean the other person will like it necessarily. That doesn’t mean that they’ll respond with kindness and love. They might get upset. They might choose to be hurt. Who knows what they’re going to choose, but I always get to choose what I want to choose and if I want to be peaceful and calm it’s an option, even when I’m setting a boundary or I’m upholding a boundary. Amazing.

All right, number five, you don’t have to be mad to end a relationship. What? Nobody told us this, right? We learned about break-ups from soap operas and TV didn’t we? It seems like you have to get mad. It seems like you have to be mad at that person and think that they’ve done something terrible or turn them into a villain in your mind in some way so that you can hate them so that you can leave them. Except that that’s not true at all. You don’t have to.

It doesn’t feel very good to get mad. It’s not very useful because we’re not going to war and we’re not going to battle on a court, a sport court of some kind either. We’re just here living life. So, we don’t have to have good guys and bad guys. We don’t have to decide who’s right and who’s wrong or who wronged somebody. None of that has to be true to just decide that a relationship is complete.

You might decide that. There are times when that makes. Okay? Now, maybe you do feel that this other person has done something wrong. Maybe they have violated something that you believe in morally or ethically or what have you. Again, not that it’s wrong to be upset, but it’s still not required.

You can decide, “Listen, I love you and I get that people do crazy things and hurt people hurt people, but I’m done with this relationship and I choose to be done. I choose to complete it. I choose to move on.” That is an option. Just saying.

Okay, number six, you don’t have to be mad to say no. Did you know this? You don’t have to have an excuse or a reason. You don’t have to be upset at people for asking you. This is what I find, we start people pleasing. We start saying yes to things that we don’t really want to say yes to. So, in other words we’re lying. We’re saying yes, but we internally are saying no. Then we wonder why they keep asking us.

Why aren’t they satisfied? I did that thing they asked. Why do they keep coming back for more? Well, the reason is because we say yes. Then, I find, when I’m in a people pleasing place or with my people pleasing clients that we want to get mad at them for asking us. It’s just not required is what I’m saying. It’s understandable, it might happen at times, but it’s definitely not required. You don’t have to be mad.

You can decide that of course, it makes sense that they would ask me because I usually say yes, and I’m very good at this they want me to do. Who wouldn’t want me to do this thing? But I also am allowed to say no. If no is what’s true maybe saying no is the more responsible, higher integrity thing to do.

Let’s talk about number seven, you don’t have to be mad or angry in order to lose weight or get healthy. Yes, I’m going to talk about weight loss for a minute. So, if you’re triggered when I talk about that just skip ahead a few minutes here.

But what I mean by this is you don’t have to be mad at your body. You don’t have to be mad at yourself. You don’t have to be angry at the way your thighs look or any part of your body looks. You don’t have to be angry at yourself for the way you’ve been eating or your lack of exercise or your past in any way. That’s not required.

A lot of people think it is required when I tell them, “What if we just decide that your body is beautiful and amazing and perfect, and we love it?” Then they say, “Well, then I’m never going to lose weight.” I say, “Really? I’m curious. I’m curious about that.” Because most people are walking around hating their bodies and not losing weight. I think that we might have it backwards.

I think that if you decided I don’t have to hate my body and be mad at my body and mad at myself in order to decide that I want to eat healthier and I want to go get a little bit of movement and get my heartrate up each day. I can do that because I love my body. I don’t have to do it because I hate my body. I’m just saying.

Okay, number eight, we talked in number one about firing an employee, but now let’s look at it from the other perspective. You don’t have to be mad in order to quit your job. Did you know this? Now, there’s a super funny video on YouTube. I’ll have to find it and try to link. But as far as I can tell it’s real.

I can’t remember if it was a man or a woman, but they basically walked into the boss and said, “I quit,” and then they had a marching band behind them playing this celebratory song. It was kind of funny because I think we’ve probably all had a job like that before where we want to just say, “I quit,” and we’re mad and we want to shove it in their face, but it’s not required.

You don’t have to be mad. You don’t have to hate the company and hate the boss and hate the work. You can just decide that it’s time to move on from that job. Did you know this? You can leave on whatever terms you want to.

So, the corporate job I talked about earlier that I was at for like 14 years or so, I got laid off from after 14 years which was a long time for me, that was like my whole adult life at that point. I remember thinking, “Okay, I’m going to get let go. I knew it was coming, so that helps.” I wasn’t totally blindsided because everybody was getting laid off in waves, but I didn’t know exactly when. I just kind of knew it was coming.

I remember telling myself, “Okay, I have a choice here,” because the woman who actually sat down with me from HR and explained to me that it was my turn, I was being let go and what decisions I had to make and what was going to happen next had just been hired by the company I want to say maybe six months prior. She was brand new.

So, a part of my brain wanted to be really mad about this. Really upset about the fact that I was being let go and this brand new person who knew almost nothing about this company or the position, just certainly didn’t have any of the skills that I had I thought, was the one letting me go. But I had enough coaching knowledge at this point that I knew I got to decide who I wanted to be.

I didn’t want to be that person that got mad. I was sad. There was some clean pain behind it, but I didn’t want to be the person that was angry and had a big fit and made things difficult. I could’ve, but I just didn’t see the upside for me to doing that and so I chose not to and that is an option, you guys. You can choose to leave a job. Again, that wasn’t me quitting, that was me getting laid off, but it works in any situation. You don’t have to be mad.

Here’s another one, again, these are like recent realizations that I’ve had, but did you know that you don’t have to be mad to ask for help around the house? Like from your husband or your kids or whoever is there, you don’t have to get mad. Okay, again, new realization for me. I thought I had to try to make dinner on my own and get to the point where there’s too many things going on at once and I’m burning something over here, and the baby is crying over there, before I can be like, “Oh my gosh, I need some help. Someone come help me.”

That’s what I thought it had to look like. It turns out, it doesn’t have to look like that at all. Did you know this? You could just say, “Hey, I need to take the baby and go tend to the baby while I make dinner,” or you can say, “Hey, 12-year-old daughter of mine, I need you to set the table. Hey, 14-year-old son of mine, I need you to empty the dishwasher, come over here and stir this pot.” Whatever it is you can just ask people for help.

I like to just tell people to help me. I like to not ask, I like to just tell them what to do. Now, they may not like it, they may be upset, they may object. Many times, they don’t though. Many times, they just step in and help. Instead of hanging out in my head thinking, “Why aren’t they helping? Why don’t they see that I need help?” Until I’m mad and then I erupt. I found it so much more peaceful to just guide them along the way and not get mad. Guess what, people are much more excited about coming and helping me with dinner when I’m happy. It’s crazy, right?

What do you mean they don’t want to come in the kitchen and help mom who’s yelling and throwing things around and really upset and huffing and puffing? No, it’s much more fun to come in when I have some music on and I’m enjoying myself, and I’m giving them very clear direction. Crazy but true, you don’t have to be mad to ask for help.

Okay, here’s the last one, are you ready? You do not have to be mad to disagree with people. Did you know this? So, there’s all kinds of situations where we have different opinions than other people and that is a very good thing, my friends. We’re supposed to have differing opinions.

We’re supposed to bring something different to the table than the other people that we’re working with. That’s what makes for a really powerful committee. So, maybe it’s in your church calling, maybe you disagree with the other people that you work with in your church calling. You can do that, and you don’t have to be mad.

We don’t have to have good guys and bad guys. We don’t have to have somebody who’s right and somebody who’s wrong. We can just disagree. This is true in your job. This is true in your marriage. You can disagree with your spouse without getting mad. Did you know this? You guys can have different opinions about what’s happening in the world with COVID-19. You can have different opinions about how to parent and discipline your child. You can have different opinions about all kinds of things, money, and living situations and jobs, all of it, sex. You can different opinions about all of this and you don’t have to get mad.

Here’s the key, even if the other person is mad, even if your spouse is mad, even if the other people on your committee are mad, even if the other people at your job are mad, you don’t have to get mad. It’s not required. It’s really not. Now, I know that’s easier said than done, but I just want you to know that getting mad is never required and it’s not important unless you’re in a true offense or defense situation and then maybe you do want to be mad.

But those are pretty few and far between for us. I’ve found that anger is not necessary in my life. I can’t remember the last time I was attacked by a tiger. I’ve never been attacked on the street, like been mugged or something. Even in sports, I was never super competitive because I don’t like to get upset. I don’t like to get riled up.

Again, I’m not saying it’s bad to, but it’s just not how I’m wired. I find it so much more fun to enjoy my life. You know what’s fun? Laughing. I find it fun to find humor in things. I find it fun to make jokes. I find it fun to listen to music. That’s what I choose most of the time. Anger is not required.

All right, you guys. Have a beautiful rest of your week. I’ll see you next time. Take care.

Who is your life coach? If you don’t have one I would be so honored to be your coach. I created a virtual coaching program called Be Bold that I want to invite you to join me in. We can address challenges, we can work on goals, and we can do it in so many different ways.

We have group coaching, individual private coaching, and online chats along with hundreds of hours of courses and content that I’ve created just for you. When you’re ready to really take what you’re learning on the podcast to the 10x level, then come check out Be Bold at JodyMoore.com/membersh