468. Approval Power (Encore)

Our brains love to focus on what we don’t like. It feels useful to us, and on some level, it can be. The only problem is when we remain focused here, we feel down. Disappointment, disgust, frustration, anger, hate, these all feel terrible in our bodies. So if we want to feel happier, more motivated, more energetic, we have to manage our minds to spend at least as much time in the space of approval. And it’s easier to do than you might think.

Welcome to episode 468, Approval Power.

This is Better Than Happy. I’m your coach, Jody Moore. And on this podcast, my objective, just so we’re clear, is to change what you’ve been taught and have likely believed about yourself up until now. Here’s what I believe about you. I believe that what you think is real is mostly imagined And what you imagine is actually creating what’s real. I believe that in the ways you desire to achieve, you 100% have the capacity to succeed.

And finally, I believe that joy, love, and miracles are your God given natural state of being. And any time you feel far from them, the way back is much simpler than you think, but that’s about to change. Are you ready? Let’s do this.

Hello, everybody. Welcome back. I have one more encore episode. The last couple of weeks, I’ve been playing some best of. And this is another again, that was recorded years ago, and it’s just such a powerful concept. I really genuinely think about it all the time, and I notice myself when I’m getting away from approval power, and I try to direct myself back to it as much of the time as possible.

So I wanted to share it with you here today. Again, if you have not yet registered for the People Pleasing Detox, this is gonna be an incredible master class that I’m teaching this summer. It’s brand new. I’ve never taught it before. I don’t know that I’ll ever teach it again. So make sure you register. Whether you’re gonna come live, I highly recommend you come live because then I can take your real live questions and scenarios. But if you can’t be there live, no problem. We’ll send you the recording afterwards.

But this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I feel like, especially those of you who are women like myself who are maybe mothers, we have to learn to speak up more. We have to learn to use our voices to make our intellect and our hearts more well known, not only for our sake, but to contribute to the good of our communities, our families, our church congregation and community.

And I really feel that it’s so important that women be willing to be more bold. This is the best way I can say it. We have to be braver because telling the truth requires courage. So this applies, of course, in your own personal life, but this applies on a bigger scale as well. So I hope that you will join me for this class. I’m gonna teach you how to do it. I’m gonna teach you how to do it in a way that feels like you.

How to tell the truth, how to say no when you wanna say no, how to speak up and disagree when you feel like you disagree in a way that is still very kind and generous and not argumentative and feels like you, more or less. So head to jodymoore.com/masterclass. That’s where you can register. Again, it’s jodymoore.com/masterclass. I’ll see you there.

So, I want to talk to you about approval power today. This is something that I’m generally really good at, but only because I trained myself to be good at it. Although it is something that I noticed and have paid attention to for a very long time, some of the things that I do as a coach are definitely things that, Heavenly Father gave me some talents and gifts, as he’s given all of us talents and gifts. Some of mine lie in the area of observing human behavior and figuring out how to leverage the way our heavenly parents created us to just have a more enjoyable, more successful life.

So I want to give you this story, and some of you might have heard me tell this story before. I’ve told it before, but this is from when I was a senior in high school. I was dating a guy who’s a great guy. I did not end up marrying that guy. He’s not my husband.

Anyway, we were at the McDonald’s drive-thru and the woman went to give us change and for some reason she was out of, I don’t know, quarters or dollar bills or something. And so she was waiting for her manager to bring change and she said to my boyfriend at the time, she said, “I don’t have the right change to give you unless you’re okay with dimes. I have dimes. Can I give you a bunch of dimes?” And my boyfriend said, “Dimes? We love dimes.”

And for some reason, it just struck me as so awesome that not only did he say, “Yeah, it’s fine. That’s okay. We’re not going to be difficult here. We can take dimes.” But he went so far as to say, “We love dimes.” And I was just laughing because come on, nobody loves dimes. Nobody wants a whole bunch of change, or at least we just don’t even care. We don’t really pay attention. And I was like, you know, what’s awesome is you can just choose to love dimes if it just so happens that someone needs to give you a bunch of dimes.

And there are so many things like that in our world. Things that you could just choose to like. Did you know this? You can choose to like things. You can choose to approve of things. And I’ve found that I am a much happier person now that I’ve trained myself to like most things. I really do. There are still some things I don’t like. And actually, I always want to not like a lot of things. I want to not like it when people mistreat one another. And I want to not like when somebody’s in pain and somebody’s suffering.

There are things that I want to not like. But there are so many things that I used to walk around not liking that I realized there was zero upside to that. It was just not necessary. And it wasn’t adding to making my life better. It was doing the opposite, it was detracting, it was making my life less enjoyable.

Do you know why? “I like that” is a thought. It’s not a fact. It’s not an observation that you’re making. And people think this, they’re like, “I just noticed, I like this and I don’t like that.” As though they’re telling me about themselves, what they’ve observed about themselves. What we lose when we talk about it that way is the reality that it’s a choice. You have a choice about whether you’re going to like things or not. I know it doesn’t feel that way. I know it feels like it just happens to you. But I promise you, it is a choice.

Again, I have always been fascinated by this. And so I’ve observed it in many ways. I notice that it used to be that the style that was cool and acceptable and modern and what we thought we liked in kitchens was a lot of dark wood and dark cabinetry and dark floors and dark banisters and railings. Dark was kind of cool. Maybe it was cozy. I feel like this was sort of a thing back in the 90s or whatever. It was like cozy and expensive looking to have lots of dark wood. I shouldn’t be talking about home decor. I don’t know what I’m talking about.

But I do know that if you go in a house that was modern back in the 90s or the 80s and you walk in there today, odds are you’re going to go, “I don’t really like this.” Even if somebody took great care of it. Let’s say that it’s not worn out. There aren’t problems, aren’t things breaking down. Somebody took really good care and it’s very clean. You still might think that you don’t like it if you’re like me. Because if you’ve been watching TV at all, or been on the internet, or just been exposed to the world at all, then you know that now it’s supposed to be light and bright. That’s what we like. Bright, light, white kitchens, or at least a lot of light in there. The dark wood, not so much anymore, unless it’s done exactly the right way.

So how is it that we went from liking this type of kitchen to disliking that type of kitchen? It’s not just something that happened to you. It’s your brain that changed. It’s your thoughts about what is a pretty kitchen. That’s the only thing that changed. So I just want you to notice it’s a choice. Now, you were given those thoughts, possibly if you’re like me, were given those thoughts by the media and things like that.

A lot of people say that and they’re like, “Yeah, marketers sit around tables and think, what else can we sell people?” But I personally don’t think that most companies and marketers are out to try to screw us over. I think that they sit around going, “How can we make people’s lives better? How can we help solve a problem and what would be fun and interesting and new that people might enjoy?” I think most of the time, actually, marketers and companies are coming from really good intentions.

But still, my point is, we get offered a lot of thoughts from the world about what we should like and what we should dislike. And I just want you to know that it’s okay to take it from outside, but it is a choice still. It’s a choice to decide I agree with that or I disagree with that. And that if you want to strengthen your ability to like things, you can, and then you will gain approval power.

Approval power is just the power that you have as a person when you get better of approving of more things. There are so many things that are either neutral that you’re not paying attention to that you could just choose to approve of or things that you think you dislike. And I’m just like, why do we dislike that?

So here’s another example, I had a friend when I was in college, again, this moment stands out in my head just like my boyfriend saying “Dimes, we love dimes.” This moment stands out too. I don’t remember exactly the setup for the conversation. All I remember is my friend saying to me, “I hate big trucks.” And I was like, “What? Why do you hate big trucks? Why are you bothering with hating big trucks? Is there an upside to that?” Because you don’t have to own a big truck. No one’s ever going to force you to. And yet some people like big trucks, and I kind of think that’s okay. I think it might not be useful to hate big trucks.

Think about all the things that you have opinions on. This is something, again, that I’ve gotten really good at, and part of this I’ve always been actually good at, and it comes from a weakness probably of not wanting to exert myself. It might be coming from laziness, you might say, but I’ve always been pretty good at not having opinions about things that are sort of irrelevant or that I don’t have influence in.

Here’s what I mean. A lot of people have opinions about the decision that the school board made when, especially over the last year and a half as COVID has interrupted things like should we let the kids go to school? Should we not should we have the masks? Should teachers do it this way or that way and so many decisions now. If I wanted to get involved and go to those meetings and pay attention and log in and write in my opinion or fill out all the surveys or whatever.

Okay, that’s fine. I just don’t choose to. I’m just like, “You know what? Anything they ask my opinion on I’m perfectly happy to share it. But otherwise, I just choose not to have strong opinions about whether they’re doing it the right way or the wrong way.” Because you know what? I’m not on the school board. I’m not a teacher or a member of that board. I just don’t have, not that I couldn’t influence it if I wanted to, but I don’t see anybody being mistreated here.

I think that everybody has the same goal, which is to do right by our kids and our teachers and keep everybody as safe as possible. And so how we do that? I just choose not to have a lot of opinions because as soon as I have opinions and the decisions they make don’t line up with my opinions, then I’m going to be tempted to diminish my approval power. I don’t want to diminish my approval power. That does not control the school board. All it does is punish me and it minimizes my experience of life.

I just want to like be grateful that somebody is taking the time to make those decisions and that somebody is doing what they do for my kids and that teachers are showing up and that it’s a hard year for everybody. I just want to mostly approve of everything. So it makes it easier for me to have approval power if I don’t get all into the nitty-gritty of things that really aren’t my business, if you will. Now, that could be different in different situations. If I had a kid that was struggling or something and I need to get involved, that’s different. But I’m just saying like, not really mine.

So again, sometimes people start talking about a particular issue. Maybe it’s politics, maybe it’s whatever. And again, I’m not saying you don’t show up and show up for a cause that you believe in. Do that for sure. I’m just talking about the general, like, “Can you believe this person said this thing? Can you believe this decision that this place made?” I’m always like, “You know what? I just, they didn’t ask me.” I mean, that’s the truth. Like, yeah, they didn’t ask me.

So I just don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it, having a strong opinion about it. Because it’s not a cause that I look at and think that’s an injustice. We need to fight that. It’s just like, maybe I would have a different opinion about how to go about that. But it’s really not my business. It’s not my thing. It’s not where I’m choosing to put a lot of my time and effort right now. I think they have good intentions. They didn’t ask me. I say this all the time. I’m not kidding you.

We have conversations about like, “Oh, can you believe that they’re doing this at church now and that, the whatever, we made this decision about how to run the meeting.” I’m like, “Yeah, well, they didn’t ask me. So I’m just going to support them. I just going to approve of what they’re doing.” I really do just choose to approve of so many things. I choose to approve of the way people look, the way they choose to dress, the way they do their hair, whether or not men have beards or what have you. I’m just like, “Good for them. That’s what they choose. I’m all in.”

I think this is what people have a hard time wrapping their heads around. Like, if it’s not the way I would do it, if it’s not my style, or if they don’t talk the way I talk or they don’t show up the way I would show up, then I should be mad about it. I should disapprove of it. And again, there are some behaviors that I’m like, “Hey, I just don’t think we need to mistreat each other or disrespect each other. I disapprove of that.” But otherwise, when it comes to like opinions, I just, not only do I not disapprove, I approve. Like, “Look at your style. Amazing. I love it.”

Even if it’s totally opposite from my style. I might never have that same style. I might never dress the way they’re dressed. If it’s not harming someone else, I just choose to approve it. I choose to love it. I choose to like things.

This has made me so powerful in my own life because I walk around feeling good, feeling happy, feeling the benefits of liking things. Just like when we dislike things and we disapprove and we criticize everything, we feel the effects of that. That impacts us more than anyone else. So as much as possible, access your approval power for your own sake, for your own benefit.

I’ve done this so much that I choose to like things ahead of time. So for example, maybe I order something in the mail. I order something for my house or something, whatever, a new item of clothing or something. I just choose to like it in advance. I just like it before I even get it. I don’t think “I wonder if I’m going to like it.” I just go, “I can’t wait for that thing to get here. I love it.” And mostly I do like what I end up buying for that reason. And if I really can’t get there, then I still go, “I love that thing for coming into my life and I’m going to give it to someone who would love it even more than me.” Might not be the right fit for me, but I don’t have to dislike it to get rid of it. I can still like it and decide on my style. See what I’m saying?

I also realized the other day that this has made me obviously like liking clothes and things like that. It doesn’t really matter. What I want you to do is strengthen your approval muscle. I want you to strengthen your approval power because ultimately what happens when you start liking all the little random things in the world that people just have opinions about is you get better at liking people.

It’s made me so much better at liking people, like people that I used to find irritating I find fascinating and I love just observing what might be happening in their heads and wondering what it might be like to be them. I can appreciate a lot more about people now that I’ve trained myself to be better at accessing approval power.

It’s way easier to disapprove of things. Way easier. So much harder to approve of things. So it feels sometimes like important and smart or intellectual or something to be critical of things. I was going to say we have a new dentist. I mean, we do, but only because we didn’t go to the dentist for years after moving to Spokane. We just didn’t bother finding a dentist and finally I was like, “We’ve got to go to the dentist. This is ridiculous.” So we started going to the dentist and I was like, “Don’t you love that dentist office?” And he’s like, “Yeah.” I mean, he’s not disapproving of them by any means, but he’s not feeling the benefit of the approval power.

I am like, “I just love them. They’re so nice. And I love the staff. They stop and they explain what’s happening and isn’t it cool. They have cool technology and like, I just love that dentist office.” I purposely do that. I purposely think about all the things I love about it because I’m teaching my brain to approve of things. It’s really easy to just sort of ignore it because there’s nothing to disapprove of or to find the little thing like, “Yeah, I like it except for this one thing.” Like, why? Why bother? I just don’t see the upside in most cases. If it’s not something dangerous or what have you, then what’s the point?

So, I had this experience, which is actually what prompted me to do this podcast. I’ve had two people in the last like four to six weeks ask my opinion about another person who I’ve worked with in various capacities in my business who they were considering working with. Maybe they were considering hiring them for their services or something like that. Twice in the last probably month or so said, “Hey, I know you’ve worked with this person or this organization. Could you share with me what your experience was? I’m considering hiring them.”

And both times I heard myself saying and thinking, “I love them.” And a little part of my brain’s like, “Oh, they’re going to think that you’re not very smart if you don’t have something to say, this is the only drawback. This is the only downside.” And in fact, some of these, at least one of organizations that I was asked about, I know other people that don’t, haven’t had the same thoughts and feelings. They don’t love them like I do. They’ve maybe stopped working with them. So I’m like, “Should I let them know that?” And here’s what I realized.

You know how there are people that you don’t really ask their opinion because you know they just hate everything? You have people like this. You’re like, “Hey, let’s ask our friend if he liked the movie.” And then you think, “No, of course he didn’t like it. He doesn’t like any movies.” Or “Let’s ask him if that restaurant was good.” “No, he’s not the one to ask. He’s going to say no because he’s so critical. He doesn’t like anything. He’s going to tell you what was wrong with it.” Not the person’s opinion we want to ask.

Well, I think I’m kind of that person on the opposite end Like you ask me and odds are I’m going to love it. I’m going to love the person. I’m going to love the movie. I’m going to love the restaurant. I’m going to love the organization, because I like to love things. I like to at least like and approve of things. Because it’s so much fun. I feel so much happier. So if you ask my opinion, there’s a really good chance I’m going to say, “I love that place. Here’s what I love about them.

Here’s why I think they’re amazing. Here’s why I love that person. Oh, that person’s brilliant. I’m so impressed with that person.” It’s not the person. I mean, it is, but it’s my head being really naturally good at liking things because I practiced it, because I trained myself, because I’m so good at accessing approval power. And this is a power you can access too, my friend. It really is just a choice.

Now, I’m going to tell you the best part of approval power. Are you ready? When you practice, and you get better at approval power, you naturally get better at approving of yourself. You just do. When you’re good at liking things, it doesn’t matter what the thing is. It could be you. And that is what I’ve discovered. That is why this is the most powerful thing, is because when you love yourself, you don’t have to think about yourself anymore all day long.

You don’t have to, you know that old story that your brain plays over and over again about what’s wrong with you, and how you don’t look right, and you didn’t do it right, and you’re not smart enough, and you haven’t made the right choices, and you’re not a good enough parent, or whatever it is. Yeah, that soundtrack, isn’t it boring? Aren’t you bored of it? It’s so old. I’m so tired of it. I finally was like, “I’m done watching that movie. I’ve watched it way too many times.”

 

And I started approving of all the things outside of me. I started liking people’s names, and liking how they did their hair, and liking just all kinds of random things and you know what happened? I actually like myself better. I didn’t even mean to. It just happened on accident. Because again, if you ask me about someone, I’m probably going to tell you they’re great. Including me. It’s really just a decision.

I was listening to someone get coached the other day by another coach and he was saying how he’s having a hard time loving himself because he has some saggy skin. And he was asking the coach, he was like, “I know I need to love myself, but how do I?” And I just wanted to scream into the computer, but I wasn’t live, so it wouldn’t have worked. But I wanted to say, “You just choose, it’s just a choice. You just decide to love yourself. Like, yeah, I got some saggy skin, and I love all of me, let’s go. So what?

It’s skin. So what bodies do, bodies do funny things, especially as we get older.” You just have to make the choice. And if it’s hard to start with you, I think that’s the hardest place to start, honestly, to start with yourself. That’s the hardest place.

Start with things outside of you. Start with just loving that person’s name. Like, “What a great name. That’s such a cool name. I love that name. I love what you’re wearing today. I love that you just said that. I love that you would think about it that way.” Start with loving other people. That’s so fun to do. If that feels too hard, start with something smaller. Start with loving the color of paint on your house. Start with loving the plants in your front yard. Start with loving the plants at church as you walk in the door. Do you ever notice them?

You ever notice the landscaping at church? What if you’re like, “Oh my gosh, I love that someone planted flowers. Somebody thought about, hey, you know, it’d be nice, some flowers. And then they went and bought flowers and then they planted the flowers and those flowers haven’t even died. Amazing.” See what I mean? Like there’s things everywhere that you could love. And when you do that, my friends, you will access an amazing power. Do it with me. I’d love to hear about it. Have a beautiful weekend, bye-bye.

If you find the podcast to be helpful you’re going to love The Lab. In Better Than Happy: The Lab we experiment with applying all of it in your real life. Whether you’re in the middle of a challenge and ready for some relief or you’re ready to commit to pursuing your dream goals and making them a reality, come join me in the lab at jodymoore.com/thelab. That’s jodymoore.com/thelab.