231. Entitlement Truth

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 231, Entitlement Truth.

This podcast is for people who know that living an extraordinary life is not easy or comfortable. It’s so much better than that. This is Better Than Happy, and I’m your host, Jody Moore.

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And it’s almost Christmas, right? It’s Christmas right around the corner. So, here’s what I want to know. Have you purchased your Be Bold annual pass yet? Because I offer, every year at the end of the year, we do an annual pass option. And if you purchase this, you’re going to buy yourself membership into my coaching program, Be Bold, for the entire year of 2020.

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In 2020, the focus of Be Bold is going to be Life on Purpose. Because here’s what I believe. Life is not stagnant, ever. Things never stay the same, right? Sometimes this is very good news. Sometimes it’s disappointing news.

But at any rate, it’s sort of like we’re sitting in a little rowboat in the middle of the ocean. So, we have a couple of options. We can let the currents and the waves take our little boat wherever it will, which is how most people are living their life. They’re sort of at the effect of whatever happens, what comes out is next, how do we deal with this? How do we deal with that? And I don’t say that in judgment of anyone, most people just don’t know any differently.

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All right. Now, this week I’m talking about entitlement, and here’s why. I asked for podcast topic requests last year, so I have a whole spreadsheet of them that my team put together for me, and I’m still going through them. We’ve got a lot left on there. But this was one of the requests that sort of jumped out at me this week. This idea of entitlement.

So, somebody basically asked, what is the difference between entitlement and abundance? And how do we be in an abundant place and teach our kids to be abundant, without being entitled and making our kids feel entitled? Okay? So we’re going to talk about those two topics today.

And so I’m going to start with some basic definitions. I want to start with the definition of entitlement, which I found online, where we find all the best information. And it said that entitlement is “The amount to which a person believes he or she has a right to something.” Right? Like how much do you believe that you have a right to something? That’s entitlement.

Another definition I found said, “The belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.”

Okay, now, I’m going to talk about entitlement after I talk about abundance. So, let me give the definition of abundance before I sort of elaborate on that. The definition I found for abundance was, “Plentifulness of the good things of life, or prosperity.”

Now, here’s what I think’s missing from that definition. I think abundance is actually the belief in the plentifulness or good things of life, the belief that you are prosperous. That’s what abundance is. I should say abundance is the way that we feel when we believe in the plentifulness of the good things of life. Okay?

So, I’m going to circle back to entitlement, but I will give you, like, little spoiler alert. I want to consider the question, is entitlement such a problem? Is it really a bad thing? And my answer to that is going to be yes and no. Okay? So, I’ll come back to that.

But, here’s the second question. Is it the same thing as abundance? Definitely no. So we know from those definitions they are not the same thing, right? But let’s talk about abundance, first of all.

Okay, so if we go back to our definition, belief in the plentifulness of the good things of life, then we have to pause and ask, what makes something in life good? What are the good things of life? Are they just facts like, is money good? Is a big house good? Are vacations good? Is food good?

Here’s what’s interesting. The good things of life are defined by us, right? We decide what’s good. It’s good because we think it is and then we experience it as good. What is bad? What is hard? What is challenging in life? That’s all up for grabs as well. That’s all based on the story we believe and the thoughts we think about the things in our life.

Just this morning in Be Bold, I was on a call, answering questions for people in there, and somebody said, “I have kids with ADD and ADHD. How do I help them feel confident, but still embrace their challenges?”

And what I told this woman is like, let’s just, before we try to build a house, that’s how I like to think about coaching, right? Is like, the story I’m trying to believe is like a house I’m trying to build. It’s going to be beautiful. It’s going to have all new modern finishes, and it’s going to be well decorated and designed, and it’s going to be awesome.

But before we can build that house on this lot, I’ve got to demolish the old house, because you already have a story you believe. So, let’s take a look at that old house, and let’s take it down first, let’s not just try to build a new house right on top of it, that’s just going to be a mess. Right?

So, we think that having ADD or ADHD is a challenge. And maybe we want to keep that thought, but maybe not. Who’s to say that a child with ADHD is having a harder life than a child without it? Now, you don’t have to write me emails telling me about ADHD and how hard it is, and I’m not trying to discount any challenges that you or your child has experienced as a result of it. Okay? That’s not what I’m saying.

What I’m saying is, the way that you think about it is optional, and I like to question anything that’s not serving me. Everything that’s not serving me, anything that’s keeping me stuck, that’s not allowing me abundance. If I’m not experiencing the feeling that there are so many good things in life and that there’s lots of prosperity, then I may want to question the story I’m telling myself. Okay? Because it is all just a story. It’s not a fact.

So abundance is the belief that there is a lot of goodness in our lives. My life is plentiful. I have plenty. I can get whatever I need. I can even get more of what I want. There is enough available, and here’s the key. There’s enough available for myself and all of my loved ones, and everyone else in the world.

The opposite of abundance is scarcity, right? Scarcity says there’s not enough. Scarcity says, we’ve got to hurry and get ours, or someone else will get it first, and then we’ll suffer, because they win. That’s scarcity, right? And it’s fine to be competitive and want to win when we’re playing sports, but in the majority of our life, this game that we try to play, this race that we’ve created, doesn’t serve us as well.

The race happens because we think that there’s a shortage of the quote-unquote, “good things of life”. You will recognize when you’re in scarcity, because you’ll be in a rush. Scarcity is in a hurry. It isn’t very clear-headed about decisions, and sometimes it’s even irrational.

Scarcity is eBay. Can we just talk about eBay for a minute, okay? I love eBay. I think it’s such a brilliant business model. The reason why it’s so brilliant is because it creates so much scarcity. Right? I haven’t been on eBay in a very long time. I’m sure it’s different now than it was last time I was there.

But think about original eBay. You wanted to outbid the other buyers. You wanted to try to win the thing. I remember we used to say, “I won this on eBay.” But we don’t win it. You bought it on eBay. You won the ability to give someone your money in exchange for that thing on eBay, right? And we want to win that so bad to satisfy that scarcity part of our brains.

And in fact, I noticed people getting in bidding wars on eBay, and if we pause to ask, “Do I even really want that thing?” Like, would you really pay that amount for it if you just walked into a store and there were 55 of that item on the shelf? It becomes not even about the thing, just about satisfying the scarcity part of our brains

So this is how scarcity blocks rational decision-making. For me, it’s like being in a store, seeing something I kind of like, and having that debate in my head, like, I don’t really need that. I don’t really want to spend money on that. But what if I come back and it’s gone? What if I really want it later and it’s gone? What if I want something sort of like it in the future and I can’t find anything I like that much? That’s scarcity. Right?

See how it causes us to make irrational decisions? I should just buy the thing that I don’t even really want right now, I certainly don’t want to spend my money on that, but it might not be there in the future, so I should get it. Makes no sense, right?

It’s rooted in survival, though. It’s rooted in the time when we did have to worry, as human beings, that there wasn’t enough food, not enough love, not enough warmth, not enough tribal acceptance, to make sure that we survive and then reproduce, and our species continues to go on and thrive. So that’s where it comes from.

But the truth is that scarcity forces selfishness. It does, right? Because if there isn’t enough to go around, then who do we have to protect first? Ourselves and our young, right? If there isn’t enough for everyone, I’ve got to take care of me first. That’s basic human nature.

And again, maybe scarcity used to be necessary, but it’s really not any longer. It is based in false fear, because you want to know what’s true. There’s most likely an abundance of everything you need, and even the things you want in your life.

I daresay for 99% of the people listening to this podcast. If you’re in a First World country, this is for sure true. Your ability to get the things you want might be something you want to work on. Maybe you want to get better at getting them, but there is plenty of it there for the taking.

So, the best place to begin is to be abundant about what you already have, okay? It’s not to go out and try to get more, because we have to begin from, “Wait a second, I already have plenty.” Right? “I already have so much goodness in my life.” Let’s just stop and notice it. Let’s stop thinking about everything in such a negative way like our brains want to do, and let’s notice how much we have already. So much, way more than we need.

Now, as I was prepping for this episode, I thought back to a blog post that I read years ago from one of my favorite bloggers, Glennon Melton. She’s a blogger and author. She’s written several books, maybe you know of her. I think she goes by Glennon Doyle now, actually, she’s divorced and remarried. Anyway, she was Glennon Doyle Melton at the time that I read this blog, you can find her at momastery.com.

And this blog post, I’m going to just go ahead and read to you, because it is amazing. I will link to it as well, but I wanted to share it with you here because she’s such a brilliant writer, and I love the way she gets your head in an abundant space in this blog post. Okay? She says:

“Recently, I posted a picture of myself in my kitchen. I immediately started receiving generous messages from people wanting to help me update my kitchen. Along with their messages came pictures of how my kitchen could look if I just put some effort and money into it. I’ve always loved my kitchen, but after seeing those pictures, I found myself looking at it through new, critical eyes.

Maybe it was all wrong. Maybe the 80s counters, laminate cabinets, mismatched appliances and clutter really were mistakes I should try to fix. I stood and stared, and suddenly my kitchen looked shabby and lazy. I wondered if that meant I was shabby and lazy too, because our kitchens are nothing if not reflections of us, right?

I decided I’d talk to Craig and make some calls about updates. But as I lay down to sleep, I remembered this passage from Thoreau’s Walden. ‘I say beware of all enterprises that require new clothes and not a new wearer of the clothes.’

Walden reminds me that when I feel lacking, I don’t need new things, I need new eyes with which to see the things I already have. So when I woke up this morning, I walked into my kitchen wearing fresh perspectacles. Here’s what I saw.”

Now, she posts here a picture of her refrigerator. It looks like a pretty basic, standard refrigerator. It has kids’ art and receipts and things on it, and she says, “You guys, I have a refrigerator. This thing magically makes food cold. I’m pretty sure in the olden days, frontiers women had to drink warm Diet Coke. Thank you, precious kitchen.”

Now she has a picture of her refrigerator open and you can see all the food in it, and she says, “Inside my refrigerator is food, healthy food that so many parents would give anything to be able to feed their children. Not me. When this food runs out, I’ll just jump into my car to get more. It’s ludicrous, really. It’s like my family hits the lottery every freaking morning.”

Next she has a picture of her kitchen sink faucet, and I love this picture, because there’s dishes and stuff everywhere. It just looks like a normal kitchen sink.

She says, “This crazy thing is a water faucet. I pull this lever and clean water pours out every time, day or night. Mamas everywhere spend their entire day walking miles to and from wells for just a single bucket of this, and I have it right here at my fingertips. I’m almost embarrassed to say that we also have one of these in each of our two bathrooms, and one in the front yard with which to wash our feet. We use clean drinking water to wash our feet. Holy bounty.”

Next, she’s got a picture of her microwave. She says, “This is the magical box in which I put uncooked stuff, push some buttons, and then a minute later, pull out cooked stuff. It’s like the Jetsons up in here.”

Then she has a picture of her medicine cabinet. She says, “This is my medicine cabinet. Since my Lyme is in remission and each of my babies is healthy, there’s nothing in here but vitamins and supplements and tea. Thank you, God. This medicine cabinet is a miracle to me. Every time I open it, I feel like I should kneel down and kiss the ground. I have an inbox full of letters from mothers whose medicine cabinets look very different.”

Next picture she shares is the tile kitchen floor, and it says, “Speaking of this, this is our kitchen floor. It’s not fancy, but it’s perfect for our most important kitchen activity, dancing. When Chase was three, a librarian asked a room full of kids. What do we do in the kitchen? Everyone else called out cook, or eat, but Chase yelled out, dance.”

Then she’s got her coffee maker pictured here, and it says, “I can’t even talk about this thing. Actually, let’s take a moment of reverent silence, because this machine is the reason all my people are still alive. It turns magical beans into a life-saving nectar of Gods every morning, on a timer.”

The next picture she has is a desk. It’s full of papers, it looks like kids’ homework, there’s what looks like some trash. There’s a bulletin board that’s just full of notes, and again, artwork and an occasional photo, and it looks just like a typical house. A little bit cluttery, not all perfect.

She says, “And you guys, look. This is the kitchen corner where I keep all my kids’ school stuff. My kids go to a free school with brilliant teachers and a loving administration, and they’re safe there. The school sends flyers home about programs and classes and clubs to make my kids’ hearts bigger and softer, and their brains sharper, and their bodies healthier. This corner reminds me every day that my kids have at their fingertips what so many around the world are giving their lives for, quality education. When I wear my perspectacles, I can’t look at this corner without a heart explosion.

My perspectacled kitchen tour taught me two things this morning. I’m insanely lucky and I’m finally free. In terms of parenting, marriage, home, clothes, I will not be a slave to the tyranny of trend any longer. I’m almost 40 years old and no catalog is the boss of me anymore.

I am free. I am not about to spend my precious days on Earth trying to keep up with the Joneses, because the Joneses are really just a bunch of folks in conference rooms changing trends rapidly to create fake monthly emergencies for us. Oh, no! Now it’s a subway tile backsplash we need. No, thank you. Life offers plenty of real emergencies to handle, thank you very much.

I’m a grown up now. I know what looks good on me, and that doesn’t change every three months. I know how I like my house. I like it cute and cozy and a little funky, and I like it to feel lived in and worn, and I like the things inside of it to work. That’s all.

And for me, it’s fine that my house’s interior suggests that I might not spend every waking moment thinking about how it looks. Sometimes it seems that our entire economy is based on distracting women from their blessings. Producers of stuff need to find 10,000 ways to make women feel ‘less than’ about our clothes, kitchens selves, so that we will keep buying more.

So maybe freeing ourselves just a little from the tyranny of trend is a women’s issue, because we certainly aren’t going to get much world changing done if we spend all of our time and money on wardrobe and kitchen changing.

But listen. I’m nothing if not a tangled, colorful ball of contradictions. I like a good makeover as much as anybody else. So, here we have it. Here is the Melton kitchen makeover for you. Ready for the big reveal?”

And she has a before kitchen picture, and then in the after picture, it’s the exact same kitchen, with her husband and four kids smiling, giving the thumbs up.

“Bam! Extreme home makeover. My kitchen is beautiful because it is full of beauty, and so is yours. Today, I shall keep my perspectacles super-glued to my face, and feel insanely grateful instead of lacking, and I will look at my home and my people and my body and say thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. This is all more than good enough, all of it. Now, let’s turn our focus onward and outward. There is work to be done and joy to be had. Love, G.”

Oh my gosh. Isn’t she amazing, you guys? I know that was a little bit long, but I was like, Glennon says it better than I can. That is how you get to abundance.

So, the next thing I want to talk about is entitlement. Okay? Here’s the thing. In my opinion, the main problem with entitlement is the inequality of human beings that’s at the root of it. Okay? Because entitlement is this, I should have special privileges just because, special privileges that other people don’t have, that not everyone gets. Okay?

And the just because part can come from all different things, maybe it’s because of social status, or financial status, or your family name, who your parents are, or something like that, right? But the problem with it is the belief that I should have special things that other people aren’t entitled to.

But here’s the reason I say a part of entitlement, I think we should keep, because the belief that we are inherently deserving of special treatment, I say yes, we are. I believe we are inherently worthy of special treatment, every single one of us equally so. So, I don’t mean special as in some people get it and others don’t. But treated special and having all the things we desire?

Yes. You are worthy of that, just because. Just because of who your parents are, which is a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother, you are entitled, as is every other human being on the planet. Okay? There’s no vertical hierarchy of humans. Some people aren’t higher up, with the exception of Jesus Christ, who’s better than all of us. But otherwise, we’re all equal in value.

Here’s the thing. President Nelson and Adolf Hitler, both loved by God, equally, okay? My guess is that our Heavenly Father’s joy at the way that President Nelson has chosen to live his life is probably equal to his sorrow at the way that Adolf Hitler lived his life, because he loves them both.

So, who is deserving of love? Everyone. Who is deserving of the finer things of life? Everyone. Who’s deserving of inherently just being treated like they’re special? Everyone, equally. We are all entitled to joy, happiness, luxury, privilege. And, combine that with abundance, there is enough of it for everyone.

So, this podcast is not abundance versus entitlement. It’s entitlement and abundance. All of it together, right? Imagine if we all believed this. If we all believed that there was plenty of money, plenty of success, plenty of love and attention, plenty of time.

If we weren’t hurrying around to try to get ours. If we didn’t feel jealous or compare ourselves to other people. If we stopped using other people’s success as a reason to judge ourselves or our lives or feeling lack. If we were excited for other people when they got a new house or a vacation, and we knew that for sure we could have whatever we wanted as well.

They’re entitled to it. I am entitled to it. We’re all entitled to goodness and blessings and joy. Imagine how different our world would be.

Thanks for joining me today, you guys. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast, and if you choose to share it on social media, I’d love if you tag me. I’m @jodymoorecoaching on Instagram or Facebook. Let’s be friends. All right, I’ll see you next week. Take care.

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