371. What’s the Rush?

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 371: What’s the Rush.

Did you know that you can live a life that’s even better than happy? My name is Jody Moore. I’m a master certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And if you’re willing to go with me I can show you how. Let’s go.

Hello everybody, welcome to episode 371. I want to talk about this topic that comes up all the time in coaching in all different areas that I coach people on. And that is our lack of patience, our desire to see the results of the things that we’re working on, to see circumstances outside of us change or to see the manifestation or achievement of a goal or something that we’re wanting in our lives to come faster. It is a natural human tendency. I’ve yet to meet anyone that says, “I never wish that the results happened faster. I’m just perfectly content all the time.”

Maybe it’s a more of a challenge for some folks than others but I think it’s a natural part of how we’re wired as human beings to be in a rush, to see things happen, or change, or to be able to achieve the goals or again, results that we want in our lives. So, I’ll give you tons of examples as we talk about this topic but think things like weight loss or a health journey of some sort. When we’re trying to improve our health, or we’re trying to lose weight, or we’re trying to change something about our physical wellbeing, we tend to be in a rush.

It’s very hard to think, yeah, you’re going to lose that five pounds, it’s going to take you three years. If I told you that, if I told you, I have a crystal ball, at the end of three years you lose the five pounds you’re trying to lose, what would you say? Would you say, “Oh my gosh, that’s so long, why is it going to take so long?”

Those of you that have businesses, my entrepreneur friends, we tend to get in a rush, like this isn’t working, why are people not signing up or purchasing, or I haven’t figured this out. “It’s taking so long”, we often say. We get in a rush. So, the first thing I want us to ask ourselves is, is it a problem? I’m not saying that it’s always a problem, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing in and of itself to be in a rush or to want things to happen faster.

In fact, there are times when I’m coaching someone where I’ll push them to achieve a result faster than what they initially had planned on because I’m trying to increase their level of thinking. I’m trying to get them to think bigger, to think more creatively, to think outside of the limitations of what they’re currently thinking. So, I think there can be good reasons for it. Sometimes setting a goal for yourself, like I work with a client right now who is writing a book.

And he’s been writing books for a long time and he said, “I want to finish this book.” So, I said, “Okay, let’s set a deadline. When are you going to finish that book by?” And with a client like that, that has a tendency to not finish we might set a tighter timeline rather than let’s just let it take as long as it takes because having a deadline like that, can help us to focus, and stay committed, and take consistent action. So, I think there can be a lot of useful reasons to have a timeline or a deadline that we’re going to shoot for.

Where I see it become a problem is when we are frustrated that it’s not happening faster. Or even if we do set a deadline and then for whatever reason, maybe we don’t focus, and show up, and meet it, or maybe we do but still the things that are outside of our control don’t line up in the way that we thought that they would. And therefore, we don’t achieve the result.

So, for example if I am a businessowner and I give myself a deadline of selling 50 of whatever the item is that I sell by September 1, and I show up and do all the things I can think to do to promote, and market, and sell that item, and I don’t sell 50, then a lot of people get discouraged and go, “It’s just taking so long.” Or again, even if you didn’t set a goal like that, maybe it’s more of a weight loss goal, maybe it’s a different goal that you didn’t give yourself an end date but it feels like it’s going so slow.

In fact, some weeks, or days, or months you don’t see the progress or you even see backward movement. And then you start thinking, this is taking too long. So, if you’re going to get frustrated, frustration is never the fuel we want driving us when we are pursuing goals. It’s not wrong to be frustrated, it doesn’t mean necessarily that you might be able to avoid it, it’s okay, if you do feel frustrated. But that’s a time when I pause and go, “Wait a second, why the rush? What’s the rush here?”

Okay, this is so common when I’m coaching people on, again, health issues, business building, they get in a rush. And sometimes when they get really frustrated they have to stop and go, “Why the rush? What’s the rush?” It’s a question that I would encourage you to pause and ask yourself as well. And genuinely answer it. Don’t just answer it with, “Yeah, you’re right, I shouldn’t be in a rush, I’m not supposed to be. I should be patient. I genuinely want to know what’s the rush?”

Because when we can understand the reason for it, I promise you have a valid good reason for it. When we can understand that then it will be very easy to solve for that reason and help to minimize the frustration or impatience that you have around this area. Are you with me? So, here’s what I find when I ask people these questions. It’s usually a combination of one, two or all three of these particular things that come up when we stop and go, “Wait, why am I in a rush?”

The first reason people get in a hurry and become impatient is because they’re comparing themselves to someone who has already done what they’ve done and they did it in a shorter timeline. This is very tempting to do. How long will it take me to get my business to 100K? Well, let’s see. That person over there who has a business similar to me and seems somewhat similar to me in various other ways, did it in a year so it should take a year. And then if it doesn’t take you a year, you’re frustrated.

And you tell yourself that maybe you’re not cut out for this, or you’re just not as good at this as other people, or this is taking too long. Too long is just a thought. It should take a year is just a thought. You developed that thought somewhere, you looked for evidence of it, you probably found a lot of evidence for it. It doesn’t matter, it’s still just a story that you made up. It doesn’t matter how long it takes other people. It’s going to take you as long as it takes you. Now, you can sometimes take measures to speed it up.

And again, I’m not opposed to that to a certain point. But if you’re going to make yourself miserable, and you’re going to punish your way, and overwork your way, and hustle your way, and stress your way just to meet an arbitrary, timeline that you made up somewhere I don’t recommend that. I don’t think that’s really going to create what you want.

Because even though it might get you the result you want and the timeline you want, it’s probably not something you’re going to maintain forever. If you do it’s probably not going to create overall what you want which is more happiness, and balance, and success in your life. So, if you’re comparing your timeline to someone who’s ahead of you, it’s going to make you feel like it’s going too slow. I don’t care that your sister, or your husband can lose 10 pounds in a month, or three months and it takes you a year. Who cares?

Let it take as long as it takes for you to do it in a way that is sustainable and healthy, you can live that way forever if necessary. If you’re not going to live that way forever then you’re in diet mentality which is unhealthy because it’s not going to last. It’s not going to get you the result you really want. Okay, so that’s reason number one. We compare ourselves to other people who are doing it faster or who did it faster and then we think that something’s wrong.

Don’t forget by the way, there are many, many other people who are doing it slower than you, who are behind you. Why not compare yourself to them and go, “Wow, this is going so fast for me.” We rarely do that. We only compare ourselves to people ahead of us. So just saying.

Okay, reason number two that we get into a rush and we frustrate ourselves and we, by the way when we frustrate ourselves and become impatient, we actually slow ourselves down, we do. We don’t speed up from there. We slow down or we quit altogether. So, reason number two is that we are relying on the result to give us the belief. And we desperately want to believe but we’re not allowing ourselves to believe until we have the outward proof or evidence.

So, for example, if I want to believe that I’m a good coach and I can have a successful coaching practice, and I’m trying to believe that but I really believe that a good coach with a successful coaching practice has 20 clients. Then I might be in a real rush to get those 20 clients so that I can validate the belief, I can receive the validation, I can give myself full permission to believe that it’s true.

If you’re trying to believe and you’re looking for the outside validation or proof in order to allow yourself to fully believe, you’re going to be in a rush. You’re going to want it to happen faster. Because believing in yourself and in your goals, in your abilities or whatever it is that you’re trying to believe is sort of a peaceful way to feel and it’s a useful way to feel. But the problem with this scenario is that we have got it all backwards. We don’t get 20 clients and then believe that we’re a good confident coach. We have to become a confident coach in order to get 20 clients.

See what I mean? We have it backwards. You don’t lose 50 pounds and then believe that you are capable of losing 50 pounds. You have to believe you’re capable of losing 50 pounds in order to lose 50 pounds. See what I’m saying? The belief has to come first in order to do it in a healthy long term sustainable balanced way which is the only way I recommend. I don’t recommend that you punish your way. I don’t recommend that you suffer your way to any goal.

Goals are not there for you to use against yourself, for you to shame yourself, for you to drive yourself in a fear based way. I don’t believe that is a healthy use of a goal. A goal is just there to keep you focused and consistently moving forward, and give you something to experiment with because you’re a capable amazing human being, why not see what you’re capable of? That’s the only reason for a goal. So, do you see how we do this?

We’re wanting the outward manifestation or result to give us the belief but the belief has to come first. That is number two. Are you ready for number three?

The number three reason, and this is in no particular order. This is probably the most common reason I see people be in a rush to achieve their goals is because they believe that they will feel better once they achieve the result or change the circumstance. They believe they will feel better in the having of the thing that they are seeking or the result that they are trying to change. Again, just like with number two, the problem with this is we’ve got it all backwards. You’re not going to just feel better when you achieve that result or get that change, at least not long term feel better.

You’ve got to feel better in order to get it, in order to achieve it. So, I always think about this because my husband and I have been looking at houses recently. And I always when I look at new houses, especially houses that people are showing so they’re all cleaned up and they’re styled nicely, this is even before I owned a home I had this realization.

Like this little place that I’m renting right now, even if it’s like a little bedroom in my parents’ house I’ve got to take care of it, and love it, and nurture it, and respect it and view myself as someone that has a nice place in order to go create the result I want of the nice place. See what I’m saying? And this piggybacks a little bit on number two with the belief but the feeling that you’re seeking, the feeling that you believe you will have when you achieve the goal. And by the way that’s the only reason we want anything we want in our lives is because of how we believe we will feel once we have it.

And the best way to get it is to feel that way now. Let’s talk about money. Maybe you want more money, maybe you would like a pile of money. If I gave you a pile of money, if I dumped it on your front porch today, here’s a pile of money, how do you believe you would feel that’s different than what you’re feeling now? Would you feel abundant? Would you feel relief? I want to talk about relief in a minute, so let’s put that in the parking lot. I’m going to back to relief. Would you feel peaceful and secure?

Then we’ve got to feel abundant, gratitude, peaceful and secure in order to get more money. And here’s the best news I have for you. The money isn’t what creates the feeling of security or abundance. I promise you, it’s not. The money is just a circumstance. Your thoughts are what make you feel secure, and peaceful, and abundant, or scarce, and worried, and afraid. It’s your thoughts and you’re allowed to think anything you want to right now. You don’t have to have a pile of money in order to feel abundant. In fact, a lot of people who have a lot of money live in a lot of scarcity and fear.

And a lot of people who have less money feel more abundant, and secure, and joyful because the money doesn’t create the feeling, your thoughts about money create your feelings. And if you want more money, or to lose weight, or to grow your business, or to write and publish a book, or to be a good mother, or to do anything else in the world, you have to choose to feel right now by taking a look at the stories and thoughts you’re believing. And create the feelings right now that you think you will have once you have that new result.

I know this is easier said than done but it is doable, I promise you, that’s what we do in Be Bold over and over again. If you’re not in Be Bold come and join us in there and I will teach you how. I will guide you through it. You will see how people do this in real life application. You have to take a look at the story you’re currently believing and recognize that it’s just a story and then you have to be willing to be wrong about it. How many of you besides me have a hard time wanting to be wrong? It’s hard to want to be wrong.

Until you realize the joy of being wrong, until you realize how much better your life would be and how much better you would feel immediately even without any circumstances changing if you were wrong. And from there you baby step into, and it’s possible that I’m wrong, I could be wrong about this, it’s possible. But when you are in a rush and I’m always looking out for this in myself because it’s a great indicator of some coaching I need to do, some self-coaching, or I need to get a coach to coach me.

Because when I’m in a rush to see something change, to see a circumstance change, or to achieve a result or a goal in a way that isn’t helping me focus and think bigger, in a way that’s frustrating me and in fact slowing me down then I stop and go, “Oh, what is it that I think I’m going to feel? What is it that I think I’m going to believe? Or am I comparing myself to someone else?” If I’m comparing myself it’s simple, I just stop doing that. I just unfollow, unsubscribe, what other people are doing is irrelevant.

So, separate yourself from it physically in any way that you can but if you can’t just redirect your brain away from it, it’s none of my business, it’s not relevant. What do I want to think about instead? What do I want to focus on instead? And if you’re seeking belief, that number two reason I gave you, you’re allowed to believe it right now. I give you permission, full permission to believe anything you want to believe, no matter how crazy it is. And you can tell other people or not. But you’re allowed to just believe it without having any evidence or proof.

But if you decide to take that leap of faith and genuinely believe it, you will find lots of proof and evidence, I promise you. And then the third one, am I trying to feel something? Am I trying to escape a negative emotion or I’m seeking a positive emotion? And if so, what am I thinking right now and how do I align with what I want to feel? What do I want to think that will create what I want to feel?

I told you that we were going to come back to relief so I want to keep my word. Here’s the interesting thing I’ve just noticed in the last month or so about relief because in Be Bold we are doing a whole month on emotions. And as I was preparing this I was thinking back to when I first found coaching. And one of the emotions that I experienced regularly was relief. It was one of the positive emotions that I experienced regularly, relief. But what I realized is that as good as relief feels it requires a buildup of negative emotion.

And in fact, the stronger and more consistent that negative emotion is beforehand the better the relief feels. So, when I’m coaching someone and I say, “Hey, if I gave you a pile of money or if your child suddenly started behaving how you think they should behave, or if your husband said to you what you wish he would say, etc. If the circumstance changed in the way that we hope it will change, what would you feel?” And they say relief, I always try to pause and go, “It’s interesting because relief just means no more of that negative emotion.”

And the release of the negative emotion does feel really good, relief feels really good. But if your brain is addicted to relief, if that’s one of the common positive emotions you have then you’re going to hold on to or create more negative emotion in order to give yourself the opportunity to feel relief. Do you see what I’m saying? It’s possible anyway, I’m not saying everybody’s doing that. But it’s possible. And I noticed this for myself again.

Year ago, when I first found coaching and started studying this work I noticed, oh my gosh, relief is one of the best parts of my day, which means that I might be fueling the negative emotion in order to give myself a positive contrast later on. Maybe I don’t want to do that. Maybe I want to feel a different positive emotion that’s not just the release of a negative emotion.

And you do that by simply asking yourself, okay, if I had never felt negative emotion around this, what positive emotions are available to me instead? Gratitude, abundance, peace, security, joy, happiness. Shoot for an emotion like that that you can feel even if there’s no negative emotion to create it in the first place. Does that make sense? I don’t know, I’m still thinking through this one on relief but it’s just one to be cautious of.

We don’t need to be in a rush to achieve our goals. We can, we can push ourselves at times, have moments of doubling down and focusing, and thinking bigger, and more creatively. But as soon as it crosses over into frustration, impatience and judging yourself for not getting there fast enough, now we want to back it up. Now we want to go, “Hold on, what’s the rush?” What if we just allowed ourselves to enjoy the process?

What if we insisted that while there are times when we’ve got to work hard, or we’ve got to sacrifice in some way or we’ve got to try something new, or we’ve got to push ourselves to be uncomfortable when we work on goals. Overall, it should be enjoyable. I always think about growth and this comes from also a lot of studying. I got my master’s degree in adult education and so just from what I’ve learned being a corporate trainer about how to help people learn, and grow, and develop skills, and knowledge.

There’s a difference between pushing someone in a way that is invigorating to them that they can have small wins as you push them and that is exciting and causes us to want to keep going. Versus pushing so hard that they’re frustrated. And there’s also the other side of that which is not pushing, not striving, not being challenged enough, in which case we feel bored and stagnant. So, we all have a sweet spot and it’s different for all of us and it’s different even for an individual person, it’s different for different topics.

There are certain things that if I’m trying to learn, I can push myself a little farther and get to that sweet spot of this is challenging and it’s making me think and I’m learning and growing. But I can have some small wins and I feel motivated to keep trying. Versus again, other times when it’s too much, it’s overwhelming, I’m discouraged, I’m frustrated, I want to give up, my brain wants to shut down. Or again, the opposite extreme of being bored.

So that spot, that sweet spot is different for all of us and different on different topics. So that’s going to determine how quickly you’re going to be able to achieve your goal but it’s worth it to stay in that sweet spot. It’s worth it because that’s where you can stick it out for the long haul and you can truly evolve and achieve the result you want, not just have a short term temporary experience of it. Are you with me? So let it take as long as it takes but keep yourself in that sweet spot of challenged, but enjoying it, having fun.

Alright, do the work to feel how you want to feel, believe what you want to believe, stop comparing yourself to other people, I promise you, there’s never a reason to be in a big rush. Alright you guys, I love you, I’ll see you next week, take care. Bye.

Hey there, if you enjoy this podcast or even if you just find that it sort of piques your curiosity, or it makes you think, you’re going to love the book that I wrote. It’s called Better Than Happy: Connecting with Divinity Through Conscious Thinking. And it’s available now at Amazon in print or kindle version. Or if you want me to read it to you, head over to audible and grab the audio version. And why not grab a copy for your sister, your best friend, or your mom while you’re there too. Just saying.