395. When You Don’t Like Someone

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 395, When You Don’t Like Someone.

Did you know that you can live a life that’s even better than happy? My name is Jody Moore. I’m a master-certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And if you’re willing to go with me I can show you how. Let’s go.

Hey, welcome to the podcast. Do you ever not like someone? I hope that’s never an issue for you but it is for me and it is, I think for most everyone actually. So we’re going to dive into that topic today and I’m going to help show you how to get some peace of mind and leverage over this situation even though there will always be people in the world that we won’t like. So what now? I’ll tell you. First I want to make sure that you’re registered for Wellness Week because it’s happening right around the corner. Did you know spring is coming? Isn’t that the best news ever?

And I love in love in spring to think about fresh starts, new beginnings, baby chicks, things blossoming, everything coming back to life. And I want you to feel that same kind of rebirth for yourself and that’s why I’m doing Wellness Week. And this is probably the last time we’ll do it so don’t miss it. We’re going to focus on the five pillars of well-being which are emotional health, physical health, financial health, social health and spiritual health. And I have so much I could teach you about each one of those. But I’m going to do a little teaching and we’re going to do a lot of coaching.

So I want you to come and hear the power of coaching, whether you, come live and get coached or you just want to listen in if you’re curious about coaching if you’re curious about whether or not group coaching could really provide the benefits you want or if you really think you need private coaching or if you need therapy. This would be the best way for you to get that question answered. People ask me those questions all the time and the truth is I don’t know, come and try it out and see. I think it’s super powerful but maybe it won’t be for you.

But it’s 19 bucks, so five days, what have you got to lose? There’ll be replays too if you can’t come live. So you’ll get access to the replays for a couple of weeks actually. So come and check that out at jodymoore.com/intensive. So I want to talk to you about what to do, what to pay attention to how to manage yourself when you don’t like someone. And what I want to say first and foremost is that a lot of us don’t ever say out loud that we don’t like someone because we don’t want to be a person who doesn’t like others or who judges others.

We want to be kind and we want to be open and we want to embrace everyone. And so we don’t say it out loud. And I’m not saying you have to say it out loud but we don’t even always admit it to ourselves. We sort of dance around it and we justify our dislike by focusing on the other person in the situation by what they do or don’t do or what they say or don’t say. And we become fixated on them which is a totally disempowering place to be.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had this experience where you find yourself ruminating about that person even when you haven’t seen or spoken to them for a little while. They come up in your thoughts. So people will say to me, “Well, I don’t have a relationship with my dad anymore.” And then they tell me all the drama in their head. I’m like, “You totally have a relationship with your dad. It’s happening in your mind and it’s not a very fun one.” But that spinning, that ruminating, that kind of thoughts that we know in the end aren’t useful. We don’t want to keep spinning on those thoughts.

We don’t want to keep focusing on the things we dislike but they come up all the time and they feel relevant and important and they generate a lot of negative emotion. So the first thing that I recommend you do is just to own where you are. So here’s what I mean by that. Instead of thinking or talking about the other person, they said this thing. I can’t believe they would act that way. I can’t believe they would make this decision. I can’t believe they would not do this thing. That’s step one.

But step two where I recommend you go is I don’t care for their behavior. I don’t approve of where they’re at, even I don’t like them. Now, again, I don’t know whether or not it’s appropriate for you to see that out loud all the time. I’m not saying run around complaining and story fondling. That’s tempting to do too, to talk to other people who also don’t like them and then we story fondle and we make our evidence and our reasons for not liking them even more valid and even stronger. I’m not talking about that.

I’m talking about you owning that your thought is I don’t like them, him or her, they’re doing it wrong. People shouldn’t do that. Friends shouldn’t behave that way. Spouses shouldn’t act that way etc. Just tell yourself the truth, I don’t like them. Notice how it’s a focus on you, what you’re thinking, what you’re believing and what you’re feeling. That is much more useful than your focus on them.

So I get clients all the time that come to calls. My clients are lovely and brilliant and amazing and they listen to the podcast and they listen to all the workshops I teach. So they already come with a much higher level of awareness than the average person. And they’ll say something like, “I just don’t know what to do because my daughter is”, let’s just say, “Dating this guy who I think is trouble. He doesn’t have a job. He is mooching off her financially. He’s not even out there looking for a job. He’s not trying. He doesn’t come to family gatherings etc.”

So they tell me all about this guy and all the reasons why they don’t like him. And they have really compelling reasons, don’t get me wrong, like everybody else listening to the call doesn’t like him either as they hear it. So here’s the problem. When we’re fixated on the guy, the guy’s not there on the call in this situation, that dude. He’s not here asking me, “Can you help me get more motivated to go get a job, to show up differently in the world?” So I don’t know how to change him.

But your focus on him is the problem because you’re waiting around for him to change for you to feel better. So what we want to do is just own first of all where you’re at. You just don’t like him. You just don’t like this guy. And it’s so funny, always say it that way, really bluntly because I’m trying to get the client to step into where they are.

And I know it’s going to be jarring because they often say things like, “Well, I mean he does have some good qualities. And my daughter seems to really like him and so I’m trying to understand him. I’m always still really nice to him. I don’t tell my daughter that I don’t like him.” So notice once again trying to step away from what’s true and where we really are pushing it away. We can’t get leverage over ourselves when we don’t understand and embrace where we are.

Now, occasionally I get a client that comes to a call, who says something a little bit more direct like, “I would like some coaching on my sister-in-law. I just really don’t like her.” Okay, now, that client always, or often anyway feels a little bit embarrassed in fact, they might even preface it with, “I know this is terrible to say but I just don’t like her.” And in my opinion, again, this is a coaching situation. So we’re not just out broadcasting on social media, “I don’t like my sister-in-law.” That’s not what I’m talking about.

But in a coaching situation if you want some help, embracing that you just don’t like her is more useful than just giving me all the justification for your dislike. It’s more useful for you I mean because when you start noticing I just don’t like her, your focus is on you, on what you’re thinking, on what you’re believing and on what you’re feeling. That is much more useful than you focusing on the other person who we can’t control, who isn’t here on the call. So that’s step one, just own the truth.

Here’s the other reason this is so useful. Let me go back to the first client example that I made up. If it’s my daughter’s dating this guy who I don’t like because he won’t get a job or again, that’s not how they say it. They say, “I’m just concerned because he doesn’t seem to be motivated and it seems like she’s paying for everything.” And then they’ll often say things like, I’ll ask them, “Why is this a problem? Why do we have like who your daughter’s dating? Why don’t we just not like him?”

And they’ll say, “Well, my daughter has pulled away from me, she’s not opening up to me so much. She’s not coming to family gatherings or she’s not connecting with me. I can tell she’s guarded.” And I’ll ask, “Why do you think that is?” And they’ll say, “Because she thinks I don’t like her boyfriend.” And I always say, “And she’s right, isn’t she?” And again we try the backpedal. We’re like, “Well, I mean again I’m very nice to him. In fact, just last week I invited them both to come to dinner but he didn’t come. He didn’t”, whatever.

It’s right back to all the judgment of him and deflecting away. And I’ll say, “Okay, but whoa, whoa, whoa. You said you think your daughter’s pulling away from you because she likes this guy and she thinks that you don’t like him and she’s right. Let’s just acknowledge she’s right. You have told me a whole bunch of reasons why you don’t like this guy. And I’m not saying”, this is moving into step two.

I’m not saying you should judge yourself for not liking him. The reason we deflect it and push it away and try to dance around it and try to just make it about him and justified is because we judge ourselves for not liking him. If you’re going to judge yourself for being where you’re at, you’re never going to be able to fully step into it and get the leverage you truly are going to want. So that is a really important part.

Number one, own the fact, own the reality at least of the current situation which is that you don’t like this person. Whether or not you say that out loud is another story. I don’t know. It’s up to you. But own it and don’t deflect away from it and don’t judge yourself for it because then you can become curious about it. You can become curious about why you don’t like this person. And you may never like this person.

You may not change your mind. I don’t think that you should all the time. I just don’t think that’s the reality of our human condition. Would it be great to? Yeah. Would it be fun? Yeah. Would it make you a more Christlike person? Of course. Do you want to become better at loving more people? Yes, I’m in, let’s do it. But I think we should tell ourselves the truth, which is, I’m buying never probably going to like everyone, I may not anyway and what if that’s okay? What if I’m not meant to? What if in fact, I’m meant to have some judgments?

Those judgments actually keep me safe in many ways. They’re meant to help me navigate the world and while, yes many times they are overdone and out of hand, judging myself and not liking myself for not liking someone else just means I have doubled up on the not liking people. So I have to just embrace that I’m a human being and I don’t like this person. Alright, that is where we’re at. That’s what’s going on right now.

I’ll tell you what’s so amazing about this. When you can embrace this and you can recognize that you’re not bad or wrong or any of those, whatever judgments you might be giving yourself. You’re just a human being who doesn’t care for the way another human being is showing up in the world. Then you have the opportunity to become more curious about it but you also have the opportunity to connect with others in your life.

So let me go back to again the example we’re playing with here of if I don’t like my daughter’s boyfriend and she says to me, “Mom, you just don’t like him.” Then I can either dance around that and deflect and sort of gaslight and be like, “Honey, what are you talking about? I invited you both for dinner last week and he just didn’t come.” And I can do that whole weird thing or I can use it as an opportunity to connect with my daughter by being real and vulnerable.

I can say, “You know what, hun, you’re right. I have a hard time with him at times. I have some judgments and ideas and thoughts. And I am working on that but here’s what is also true is that I love you. And if you like him I want to like him. So I’m working on that and I’m challenging myself to better understand why you like him. Tell me, what do you love about him?” This could be a very connecting conversation or at the very least I could be authentic and real and not gaslight my daughter.

Because when she says. “You don’t like him”, she is right, isn’t she? Own at least the part of it that’s true even if it’s not entirely true, a portion of it is true in these situations.

Finally, I’m not even going to give you, here’s how you start liking them. I don’t think that’s useful. I think there are going to be cases when you’re not going to want to or not be able to ultimately like some of the people that are going to come into your life but the curiosity goes a long way. The curiosity can turn to fascination and sometimes that can lighten the situation. It can just become sort of a humorous, that’s just what they do and it can be more playful and not so gripping for you.

And other times it might be protective. It might be a situation where you need to have a boundary or something that happens in order to protect yourself and anybody else that you have jurisdiction to be able to protect. So I’m not going to go all the way into here’s how you like them. That is possible and that will happen with some of these situations but I believe it happens in a much more natural way when you just own where you’re at. Become aware that you’re creating your own experience. Don’t delegate the power to them. You’re creating it with your thoughts but then don’t judge yourself.

And I’ve found it doesn’t work for me to be in a hurry. I have to just be slow and curious and compassionate and fascinated with myself as I am curious and fascinated with this other person. So I like to do this in fictional settings because I like to practice watching myself.

So there’s a TV show on Apple+, I think it’s on Apple+ called Bad Sisters, it’s so good. It has a little bit of language, a little bit of not entirely kid friendly. But this show which is a fictional show has a main character who is the protagonist. I think that’s what you would call him. He is just not a likeable guy. He is terrible, intentionally so. They’ve written his character to be this way. And whoever is the actor does a brilliant job of playing him. Not very far into the show you begin to hate this guy. And every time he opens his mouth you’re just like, “Oh.”

And so I like to use this situation like a TV show with a fictional character to notice myself. I’m not trying to get all the way to liking him. The writers of that show don’t want me to like him. They’re purposely writing him to be a character that we wouldn’t like. And there are going to be people in my life who I’m never going to like to be honest, people in the world anyway. But being able to be fascinated with my brain shifts me a little bit out of judgment for them and a little bit into something more useful.

And more than that it keeps me in the driver’s seat of my own experience. It shows me that I’m creating my own reality and sometimes I can evolve myself and just gain a little bit more awareness, a little bit more insight into something about myself even if I still never like that person in the end.

So as I watched this show, Bad Sisters, one of the things that I noticed is how this guy calls his wife. They have really strong accents so I can’t understand if he’s saying mommy or mammy, or mummy, something like that. And every time he said it, it just made my skin crawl. I was like, “Oh.” And again, all I’m doing is being fascinated with my own thoughts about what a marriage relationship should be and what the dynamic in a marriage should be and whether or not a husband and wife should call each other mom and dad and what I make all of that mean in the end.

Because the truth is if I’m with my husband and all of my kids sometimes I’ll say, “Dad’s going to do this, dad’s going to be home at five.” Or I’m trying to think if I do that when I’m talking directly to him. “Hey, dad.” I don’t think I do. I think I say, “Hey, Jake.” Again, it’s just fascinating insight into what is that about? Is that a power differential that I’m trying to wrestle with? Is it something weird about calling your spouse, mommy, because they are mommy to your kids. What is that? I don’t know. Interesting.

So that’s what I mean by using the things that are triggering to you to become curious and fascinated. And I don’t even mean you have to change those things. Many times I don’t even get to the answer about what is that about. I just know, that really bothers me. I have a lot of thoughts when that person says that thing, that’s interesting, I wonder what that’s about. And just planting the question, I wonder what that’s about for me is so helpful because otherwise my brain just wants to fixate on why is he such a jerk.

Which is a terrible question because what’s the answer to that? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. If he’s not up for changing then that is a terrible useless question. But that’s interesting, what’s that about for me? What am I going to learn about the way I’ve been socialized or about my past or about my present relationships or about my future? And again this is a fictional character. And yet look at how much opportunity there is for me to become more aware of myself.

Self-awareness without self-judgment is the most empowering place to get to, I’m telling you. There are so many opportunities for it, the people that we ‘dislike’ are one such opportunity. So allow them to be that opportunity for you in your life. Again, if there are extreme situations you may need boundaries. You may need to protect yourself. You may need to remove yourself.

But even if you don’t ever see or talk to that person again can you gain the insight into yourself that’s available to you every time you run into what your brain would call a difficult person? Because it’s there, the insight is there. You might as well take life up on the opportunity it’s giving you to gain that. Why are people so peopley? I don’t know, but join me for Wellness Week and we will dive into this more. And otherwise, thanks for joining me today everybody, have a beautiful week. I’ll see you next time, bye.

Hey there, if you enjoy this podcast or even if you just find that it sort of piques your curiosity, or it makes you think, you’re going to love the book that I wrote. It’s called Better Than Happy: Connecting with Divinity Through Conscious Thinking. And it’s available now at Amazon in print or kindle version. Or if you want me to read it to you, head over to audible and grab the audio version. And why not grab a copy for your sister, your best friend, or your mom while you’re there too. Just saying.