352. Expansion

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 352: Expansion.

Did you know that you can live a life that’s even better than happy? My name is Jody Moore. I’m a master certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And if you’re willing to go with me I can show you how. Let’s go.

Hello everybody, welcome to the podcast. Thanks so much for joining me today. I want to give a huge shout out to all of you who share the podcast. Make sure if you do, please tag me on your social media feed or wherever you’re sharing it, in your stories or wherever because I love to give you a reshare and a shout out. But I know that I forget to mention it but I greatly appreciate when you share it, when you leave reviews, whether you’re sharing it on social or you’re just telling people about it. Honestly that is how this podcast grows. So, I greatly appreciate and would hope that you will keep doing that.

I want to also invite you to a new workshop I’m going to be teaching. It’s called Wellness Week. And it’s going to be five days, not all day, 90 minutes a day because you have a life too. You probably can’t sit on Zoom with me all day, although I would. If anybody’s in, let me know. But we’re just going to go for 90 minutes a day for a weeklong. And we’re going to do some deeper teaching and coaching on the things that I think contribute to wellness.

So, listen, I’m not going to be able to change your life in five days. I don’t want to overpromise anything here. That is probably not going to happen. We all have lots of wiring that has taken us years to create. And it’s going to take more than five days to unwind. But that said, I think you’ll be shocked at how dramatic of a change five days can make. So, it’s going to be taking place on Zoom. I’m going to be there live teaching and coaching anyone that wants to come on and get coached on the topics I’ll teach. But if you can’t be there live, you don’t have to be there live to get the benefit.

So, make sure you grab your spot. It’s only 19 bucks. And you’ll get everything, like I said, in replay format if you can’t come live. And it’s just a really great way to get a better feel for how coaching can impact your life and it’s also, I kind of wanted to put it right here in the spring because we’re coming out of winter, we’re coming off a couple kind of rough years.

And I love going to the airport right now because it’s packed. People are like, “Okay, enough already, enough being at home, not going anywhere, enough feeling sorry for ourselves, enough being depressed, enough waiting around and being afraid, and worried, and judging one another.” Let’s get back to our best selves. And that’s not an overnight process. That’s something that requires some work. And so, Wellness Week, that is my objective is to jumpstart you feeling better, feeling motivated again, getting excited about life.

Maybe you’re in a transition or maybe you just are coming out of winter. But Wellness Week is going to be well worth your $19. So, if you want to join me go to jodymoore.com/wellness to get all the details and sign up. And for those of you in Be Bold I will be posting it all in there for you. So, you don’t need to worry about signing up unless you really want to come live.

Okay, so let’s talk about expansion. I love this topic so much. I don’t think I’ve ever done a podcast on it and I’ve been wanting to for a while now. So, I’m just going to kind of share with you my thoughts about it which is always what I’m doing on this podcast, offering you new thoughts to consider. It’s not to tell you this is the right way to think about it. But this is just the way I think about it. And then I’m going to try to credit some of the other authors, and teachers, and people that I have taken ideas from here.

And the first one that I want to mention is Rob Bell. So, Rob Bell, for those of you not familiar with him, he is an author, a teacher, what would you call yourself, Rob Bell? A podcaster, a creative, brilliant forward thinker, a former megachurch pastor. And I’m a big fan of Rob Bell. He has a podcast called The Robcast. And he’s written many books. He also years ago put out a video that which you can still see on YouTube for free called Everything is Spiritual. And it’s long, I want to say it’s a three hour YouTube video or something.

But anyway, in the very beginning of this video, Rob Bell talks about expansion in a really fascinating way. He points out what we know about the creation through science and how our world is an ever expanding place. And we are expansive beings. Now, I’m going to bring religion in a little bit to this so you can modify this to whatever your beliefs are. But I believe that we were recreated by heavenly parents and that they are the ultimate creators. They created the Earth and everything that we know, everything that was naturally created I should say.

I was trying to explain to my eight year old this the other day. He’s like, “Why did God create fences like that?” I’m like, “Well, actually man created fences but God created the trees and the materials that we build fences of.” My point is that expansion and creation are in our DNA. And back to again what I learned from Rob Bell, actually I learned this in science class but he pointed out the interesting fact that we know that atoms, what happens is atoms get together and they form molecules.

The way that atoms actually expand you might say, or create something that didn’t exist before is by getting together. One atom gets together with another atom or with multiple atoms and says, “Hey, let’s hang out.” And then they create molecules which are different than atoms, but made up of atoms. And then molecules get together and form cells. By getting together, by joining with one another molecules create something that didn’t exist before which is actually something even entirely different than it was before that we call cells.

And when those cells get together they create things like people, animals. All the things we know in the world are made up of cells. And so, it’s kind of fascinating to think about, that everything keeps joining together and becoming more complex, and more amazing, and more expansive. And then we as human beings even get together, and join together, and create another human being that didn’t exist before.

I mean I was thinking about this, this is how we cook or bake things. I like to watch Cake by Courtney on Instagram. Hi, Courtney. I don’t know you but I watch you and I love watching you bake cakes. And she takes all of the ingredients, the flour, the sugar, the eggs, the oil, whatever else is in that cake. And she puts it together and then puts it in the oven and it makes a cake that didn’t exist before. All those things individually on their own get together and thereby expand and create something brand new which is a delicious, beautiful cake.

So, creation and expansion first of all are our nature. We want to expand personally but we also want to participate in creation and in the expanding of the elements around us. And we do that by joining things together. Isn’t that fascinating to think about?

Now, you look at what’s going on at least in the United States today and the culture of divisiveness and you can see why that feels so off to us. Because it’s the opposite of what we’re wired for. It’s the opposite of the part of us that is genuine and true that is like our heavenly parents, that desires to come together and expand. There is a division and a separation which is the opposite. It actually causes us to shrink because it creates fear, and worry, and hiding. The opposite of expansion and creation is separation and disconnection. Fascinating, don’t you think?

Now, what do we do about it? I couldn’t possibly claim to have the answer to such a complex question. But what I do specialize in and want to offer you today is that what we can do is work on the only thing we can control which is ourselves individually. But thank goodness the collective problem is just made up of a bunch of individuals. So that’s really all we need to do is focus on ourselves individually.

So, this is not an episode that I want you to send to your cousin who you think has some really out there views and seems to be angry at the world. That’s not the point of this. That just doesn’t work, sorry to tell you. This is for each of us, including myself to take a look at ourselves and self-reflect and to get back in touch with the part of us that wants to connect, and create, and expand. Because I do believe that will have a ripple effect on the people around you, the ones who want it, the ones who are ready.

And so, the first thing we really have to get better at doing is to understand, to seek to understand more than we seek to be right and prove other people wrong. This is a tough thing to do, trust me. I’m right there with you. It’s a challenging thing to do. But understanding one another is how we connect. It doesn’t mean we have to agree with one another. It doesn’t mean you have to change your opinions.

But we’ve sort of swung to the opposite side of the pendulum where we’re just listening to try to find our counterarguments to prove ourselves right and others wrong. That is never going to connect us. That’s never going to lead to expansion and creation. We have to want to understand. And I’m going to give you some specific examples in a minute of where I’ve seen this done really well. Before I give you those what I wanted to mention on this episode is I’m not the expert in this, like I said. I still have a long way to go.

I would love to hear your suggestions or examples that you have seen about how you better seek to understand rather than having to be right. Because that part of our brains is strong, the part of us that wants to be right. How do we temper that, we don’t want to get rid of it, it’s there for a reason but how do we temper it in a way that helps us to connect more rather than to feel separate?

One example that I recently had with this that I wanted to share today, I’ve spoken recently at a couple of Time Out For Women conferences. I’m on their speaking circuit this year which I’m just so honored to be a part of that amazing event. And one of the best parts of it of course is the people that I get to meet, the people that come to the event. It’s so fun to connect with all of you who come up and hug me and tell me that you’ve been listening to the podcast, that’s super fun.

And also, the amazing people that put on that event, they have such an amazing staff from the behind the scenes guys running the tech, and the event organizers, and producers and then the other speakers and musicians. That has been so far the most amazing part of Time Out For Women.

One of the speakers at the last event I attended was Anthony Sweat who I’m sure many of you are familiar with. He is a professor of religion at Brigham Young University and such a smart guy. And I’ve heard Anthony Sweat speak many times before. I always love what he has to say. He’s just one of those people who’s brilliant, who is able to not only teach me things that I hadn’t thought about. But he’s able to articulate in a way that is totally understandable. I think that’s part of brilliance.

You can’t just be super smart. You have to be able to explain it for those us who aren’t super smart in a way that we hear and understand. And he’s just so brilliant at doing that. I love his knowledge of the gospel, and the doctrine, and the insight he brings.

So, my point is we’re sitting at a table, there is maybe five of us, it’s lunchtime at Time Out For Women. So, we’re backstage, it’s myself, a couple other speakers and a couple of their guests. And we’re eating lunch and Anthony Sweat asks us a question. It’s just a personal question that had to do with the doctrine of our church and some of the practices we have as members of the church. And he just said, “Hey, I just have a question for you guys. What do you think about this? What’s your experience been, or what’s your opinion of this?”

And it was a question that really made us all pause and think. And I’m not going to share the question just because I know he’s working on something, it’s the reason he asked the question and I don’t know if he wants me to share that. But we kind of went around the table and we each gave our opinions and our thoughts. And it was a tough question to answer, honestly. I was like, “I don’t really know how to answer that question.” And he just kind of, hmm, he just listened and nod his head and maybe asked more questions if he needed clarifying questions.

And I was waiting for him to give us his answer to the question and he didn’t. And then we kind of ran out of time and the event proceeded on. And then later we were all about to get on the plane. We were sitting around the airport and I asked him again. I said, “Hey, I never heard your answer to the question. What is your answer?” And what he said was the most amazing thing. He said, “I don’t know yet, I’m still forming my opinion.” And I thought, okay, that’s why he’s so amazing at what he does.

Because he doesn’t jump in and have an opinion, he didn’t just ask us. I’m sure he’s asking hundreds of people and he’s reading, and researching, and he’s praying, and pondering, and thinking. And he’s forming an opinion. And he’s not going to speak up and share an opinion until he feels confident that he’s done that work. How many of us do that kind of work? How many of us, I’ll tell you, I’m guilty of this myself, we just listen to things that reinforce what we already think. And we talk to people who already share our same opinions.

Instead of opening ourselves up to I am trying to decide how I want to think and believe about this topic. It doesn’t have to be religion. It could be politics. It could be just anything. It doesn’t even have to be something that’s that emotionally charged for people. But how often are we just quick to jump in and form opinions without considering all the viewpoints? And even if you do have an opinion, can you back up from it for a minute and be open to viewpoints?

I know I’ve experienced this in other situations too where I’ve had somebody in authority, and in that situation wasn’t an authority situation but in my mind, Anthony Sweat is just way smarter than me so in my mind it sort of was. But I’ve had other situations where I’ve had a boss who’s an authority over me, or a teacher, or someone like that, or a parent. Who says to me, “I’m curious, what do you think about this?” And open and genuinely curious not just testing me to see if I know the right answer. That’s mostly what we get from authority.

But have you had those moments where someone in authority genuinely values and wants to hear your opinion? It’s amazing. It’s lifechanging. And I’ll tell you, the few times I can count on one hand where I’ve had that happen, where I’ve been at the receiving end of that, I have noticed that person is really good at what they do. They’re very ‘successful’ and that might mean success the way the world defines it. But I also mean they’re happy, they’re well rounded, they’re connecting, they’re expanding.

That’s what creates expansion is being really open and not having to think that you know it all, especially if you’re the one in authority. Curiosity is so connecting. And it definitely requires something of us. And I love that it requires something of us. It requires that we set aside our own agenda and we set aside our egos, and we just try to hear people out. That’s how we expand. That’s it.

I also just the other day was listening to the BYU Speeches podcast where they broadcast the recent speeches given at BYU. And there was a really amazing episode by a woman named Amy Chua called Overcoming Political Tribalism. It’s a really recent episode. So, you can go find it if you go to BYU Speeches. And I loved what she had to say about our political system and why we have such extreme tribalism. And why that can be a problem.

But one of the things she mentioned at the end, and this was during the Q&A session of this event at BYU is she mentioned that we can break these toxic patterns. And it is human nature, we’re tribal creatures. We want to stick with people that we know and we feel that there’s safety in the tribe. And while that’s gone to an extreme today and is creating disconnection and problems, it’s coming from natural human behavior.

But she said we can break these toxic patterns if we begin with common ground. If we begin with something that we all care about or however many people are in the situation, that we both care about, that we’re aligned on. Then we can have really healthy usually conversations about the areas where we disagree or we aren’t sure we see eye to eye. And it made me start thinking about the situations in my life where this has been true.

A couple individuals in particular come to my mind. I have a good friend who has very different political views than me, really pretty opposite political views than me about most things. And I thought sometimes it’s challenging for me and probably for her to have certain conversations about certain topics. We don’t go heavy in our conversations about the things we really disagree on. But we do talk about it a little bit and I can feel that there’s a mutual respect there.

I have respect for her views. And I feel that she has respect for my views. And I think it’s because like this woman pointed out in this speech, we have mutual common ground to begin with. Our husbands are best of friends and she and I are friends. And we happen to have a lot of friends in common. And we happen to go to the same church and we happen to see eye to eye about other social issues. Again, when it starts getting political then we sort of divide. But things like she and I are both working women. We’re both working moms.

And we have just so many things that we have common ground around that we’re able to hold space for one another’s views that are different and just respect one another. And I so appreciate that I have her in my life because I feel expanded by having her in my life. I feel the expansion of understanding better somebody who votes or thinks differently about political issues than I do. I feel expanded by that.

I have friends through The Life Coach School because The Life Coach School attracts a really diverse group of people. I have certain individuals I’ve been able to meet through my association with The Life Coach School and my training and connection there that I can feel have expanded me. I just wrote a thank you note to one of them the other day.

And I was like, “I just want to make sure you know how grateful I am for you. I see the world so differently because I know you and I know you well enough and we have this common ground of valuing, understanding human behavior, and coaching, and using the model to help improve people’s lives. And being entrepreneurs, we have this common ground.” And so even though we have very different religious views, knowing her expands me because I know her well enough that I don’t have judgment of the way that she lives her life even though it’s so different from how I live my life.

And again, my thought is that she also respects how I live my life. I feel respected by her. And we support one another even through our differences. And because I’m able to go to her and say, “Hey, help me understand this thing going on in the world.” And she breaks it down for me and I don’t always agree with everything that she thinks or says. But I am expanded by understanding it.

And I just want to offer that we could all, myself included probably get a lot better at exposing ourself in a curious, respectful way to ideas that are different. And that is what expands us. That is what expands our world but it’s what expands us as individuals as well. Now, it doesn’t mean you can’t also surround yourself with people that are likeminded. Again, that’s a natural tendency and I don’t think you have to cut that part out. I don’t even think it’s bad if that’s the majority of your associations. Just keep yourself open to some of the other.

I was looking at my audible library just now and realizing that right now I’m often listening to multiple books at a time. And right now, I’m listening to a book by Adam Grant called Think Again which is amazing. And it totally reinforces everything that I teach as a coach and everything I believe. But I’m also listening to a book by Daniel Pink called The Power of Regret which sort of butts up against what I’ve tended to think and believe about regret. And I do that on purpose because I want to expand myself. I want to add to me.

Listen, the last thing I want to offer to you is that in order to expand yourself you have to add to yourself. So, reading books is one way I do that. Getting coached, I sign up for lots of coaching workshops in order to work with coaches, or I take classes. And they may have to do with my business or things, but they may not. They may just be hobbies or interests. When you invest in yourself in whatever you choose to you’re not taking something away from the world. You’re adding to the world because you’re expanding you.

It’d be like saying, “Don’t put baking powder in that cake, then the baking powder will be gone.” No, we want to put the baking powder in the cake because we’re making a cake. So, you’ve got to invest in yourself. And I don’t necessarily mean financially but in whatever way, with your time, with your energy, with your attention, invest in you.

I want to end by just encouraging you to do that in whatever way you feel called to invest in you. And I want to give a shout out to another person I fell on Instagram who also doesn’t know me but I’ve followed her for a little while and her name is Julie Taylor. And Julie said something the other day that I was like, “What? That is so true.” She said, “Listen, why is it that as women we justify investing in ourselves by saying, ‘This is going to make me a better mom.’ I need to let myself to go the gym because then I’ll be a better mom.’”

And she said, “Listen, you don’t have to justify it. You can just invest in yourself because you’re valuable and worth investing in. And it’s okay to have needs, and to fulfill those needs, and to do things just because you want to.” And when she said it I was like, “That’s so true Julie Taylor.” Thank you for saying that. So anyway, expansion, I’m thinking a lot about this topic.

I hope that like I said, you will come to Instagram, or Facebook, or wherever you like to hang out online and leave me a comment or DM me your thoughts about expansion. I’m totally open to hearing more about how we can get better at this important topic. And I hope you have an amazing week and I’ll see you next time. Bye bye.

Hey there, if you enjoy this podcast or even if you just find that it sort of piques your curiosity, or it makes you think, you’re going to love the book that I wrote. It’s called Better Than Happy: Connecting with Divinity Through Conscious Thinking. And it’s available now at Amazon in print or kindle version. Or if you want me to read it to you, head over to audible and grab the audio version. And why not grab a copy for your sister, your best friend, or your mom while you’re there too. Just saying.