349. How to Find Your Spouse

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 349: How to Find your Spouse.

Did you know that you can live a life that’s even better than happy? My name is Jody Moore. I’m a master certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And if you’re willing to go with me I can show you how. Let’s go.

Okay, everybody, here it is, I’ve been wanting to do this episode for a while now. It’s an episode that I wish existed back when I was in my mid to late 20s. I got married when I was 30, which is actually very young. It’s a perfect age. For me it was a perfect age to get married. But in LDS culture I thought that it was getting old. I thought, oh, oh, I’m going to get kicked out of the YSA, which is the Young Single Adult ward, because when you turn 31 you graduate from the YSA ward, which I interpreted as meaning I’m getting old, I need to get married. In hindsight that was not the case at all.

But at any rate I went through a period of time in my mid to late 20s where I really wanted to get married, I did. And instead of going out and finding my spouse I did a lot of feeling sorry for myself, and complaining, and being depressed, and praying to the Lord. That’s okay an all, it worked out. But I wish I would have known then what I’m going to teach you today. So, this would be applicable for anyone wanting to find a spouse but just know that I created the episode with young adults in mind.

And the reason I’m teaching this topic today is it’s sort of a good introduction into what I’m going to be teaching in April in Be Bold which is how to get what you want. So, if you want is to get married, obviously this is going to be very specific to that. But I’m going to teach you on a more broad level based on anything that you want, how to get what you want because here’s what I’m finding. The longer I have this business and I sort of pursue different goals and things which I do mainly through my business. Of course, it doesn’t have to be goals in your business.

But the longer I’m alive I guess you could say, the older I get the more I realize that anything you want you’ve got to go get. You’ve got to get it. I don’t know about you but I tend to look around at people who have the things that I want and I think they’re so lucky. Or sometimes we say, “She’s so blessed.” I’m sure there’s very rarely are people just getting lucky. Things don’t just happen. Opportunities don’t just show up at your doorstep. People don’t just invite you to come and do the things that you want to do. You’ve got to make it happen.

And this is good news because it means that anything’s available to you, anything that you truly want. Now, I want to speak to this because I hear a lot of people going, “Don’t listen to those people that tell you, you can do anything you want.” You can’t do anything you want. I mean you can’t be a basketball star if you’re a short white woman. And I say, “Hold on, you forgot about the part of the sentence that says you can do, and have, and be anything you want.” Anything you want.

I think that anything that we truly desire from a healthy place, not from an unhealthy injured place, or weak place, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about your true desires that come from God, that are a beautiful, wonderful part of you. Anything you truly desire you can have. You are capable of it. You have the potential, and the capacity, and access to resources and tools to have, do and be anything that you truly desire. I really do believe that but you’re going to have to go get it. And again, I think that’s the best news I could offer you.

So, let’s talk today about how to find your spouse. And then if you want more help knowing how to get what you want just make sure you’re in Be Bold because I’m going to be teaching that workshop next week. So, I have, let me see, how many things do I have, four? Four things I want to teach all of you who want to find your spouse.

The first one is just a very clear actionable thing that you can do. I want you to sit down and make a list of all the things you want in a spouse. Now, some of you might be surprised to hear me say that because that list later on gets us into trouble but stay with me. I’m going to start with the list of what you want in a spouse. So, if I was single and looking for a husband I would make a list of all the things.

I would love for him to be charming, and good looking, and outgoing, and hardworking, and honest, and honors his priesthood. And is kind to children, and pets, and he’s smart, and he’s got to be funny. All the things you want. Let yourself go crazy. Make a long list, even if part of you is like, “This person doesn’t exist. This guy sounds perfect or this girl sounds perfect.” That’s okay, make the list.

Now, on a separate piece of paper I want you to now take the first list you made and make a second list of what kind of spouse would that person be looking for. So, for example, if I’m looking for a spouse and I want him to be kind he probably also wants a spouse who is kind. It’s not very common for a kind person to think, I would love to marry somebody who’s really mean. If I want my spouse to honor his priesthood he probably is interested in someone who shares the same beliefs and who honors her testimony as well, and who honors his priesthood as well.

So, you see what I mean? You take this first list and you decide, okay, that person that I just dreamed up of course, but that person would be looking for somebody like what? And you make that list. And then we need to make sure that that list is either us or someone that we genuinely want to become. You may find that there are things on your list that you go, “Wait a second, that’s not really me. I think that this person would want this particular trait and that’s not me. And I don’t want it and I’m not even trying to become that.”

In which case we just need to reframe the way we’re thinking about who we want to marry. Okay, so now we have the second list and we’re going to take the first list and we’re going to throw it in the trashcan. We’re done with it because we just made that person up in our heads. And whoever we marry they’re going to be some of those things. They’re not going to be all of those things. That’s okay.

What’s important to know is who do I want to become so that I can feel like I’m fulfilling my own potential but also I’m much more likely to attract the kind of person that I think want to be with, if I just become him or her, become that version of me right now. Am I making sense? So, we throw away the first list. We’re not looking at that ever again. We’re just going to focus on us now. Next, remember that you need to complete yourself. And this is still part of step one.

Your job is to complete yourself. It’s not your spouse, or boyfriend, or girlfriend, or anybody else’s job to complete you. That person is never going to complete you. Only you can complete you. And this is good news because it means you don’t have to wait to find them to work on completing yourself. And what does that even mean? I don’t know. All I know is a lot of the lines we’ve been fed for movies are fun for movies but not useful in real life.

So, you’ve got to work on being happy, on liking yourself, on being confident, on being kind, and generous, and open, and all of the things that you think you would be if someone just loved you enough, be those things right now. Because unfortunately we kind of get tricked because when we first meet someone and when we’re dating and first interested it does feel like they complete us. Because of the chemicals and hormones happening in the body and in the brain, when we’re first falling in love it feels like finally I feel complete.

But that is a temporary state as it’s meant to be. You will settle back into normal hormone levels at some point. And then what’s left will be the version of you that existed before you fell in love with that person. So, we want to be working to make that person be someone that we like. And when I say that person I mean yourself. You want to be the person that you like right now without anyone. You will attract a much healthier spouse or companion if you do that. So that’s number one, do some lists.

Number two. This sort of piggybacks on what I was just talking about. The second thing I’m going to teach you is to have the life that you want right now. Here’s what I mean. What do you think will be different about your life when you’re married? I get that there are some very clear things that would be different. You’ll be living with a spouse and having sex with that person, and sharing money. And there’s some concrete things like that, that you might not be able to create.

But the reason why we want those things, what’s behind it, what we’re really seeking is available to you right now. So, for example I remember when I was single, thinking, I just wish I had a husband because I want to take care of some people. I want to take care of him and I want to take care of some kids. And I feel this part of me that wants to contribute and give, and take care of people. And if I could just find that spouse then I could take care of my family and I would feel complete.

So, I could take that and go, how do I do that right now? I may not have a husband and kids to take care of but there’s certainly plenty of opportunities where I could take care of people. If what I want to do is be nurturing, and giving, and serving, I can do that. I don’t have to be married to do that. If I think that then I’m going to have someone to love, and someone who loves me, I could do that right now. I don’t have to get married for that. I can love people and there are plenty of people who want to love on me too.

If I think I’m going to just not be worried anymore, I won’t worry about what’s going to happen next. I remember thinking that, I just won’t worry about who’s going to be my next roommate or where am I going to live once I get married. Guess what? You can learn to not worry right now. You don’t have to wait to get married. If you think that you’re going to be happy once you’re married, get happy right now. Do you see what I’m saying? I know it’s not just as easy as okay, I just won’t worry. I’ll just get happy. I know that requires some work. It’s okay if it requires work.

I just want you to know what we’re striving to do. If you want to find your spouse, work on creating the things in your life, as many of them as you can that you think you would have once you’re married. Because here’s the truth, I love when somebody’s single and they’re like, “If I could just get married then I would be happy.” And then I like to say, “Can all the married people in the room raise your hands.” Because it’s just a change of circumstance. Yes, it is wonderful to get married. I love being married but I’m also sometimes unhappy.

And sometimes it feels like it would be easier to be happy if I weren’t married. And other times when I was single I remember thinking I’d be happier if I was married. The truth is, it’s just me either way. It’s not any easier. There are plenty of people who are married who are unhappy. And there are plenty of single people who are happy. So, getting married doesn’t make you happy. You make you happy. I want you to work on doing that while you’re single. That’s number two.

Number three then, we’re going to choose to go on a journey or process of making it happen. I want you to make it happen. I don’t want you to sit back and wait for the Lord to make it happen. I don’t want you to sit back and wait for him or her to come knocking on your door. You don’t need to do that. That is not going to help the process. Go make it happen. So, what would that journey or process need to look like? What would I need to do to make it happen? Again, I so wish somebody had told me this was when I was in my mid-20s, I totally would have done this but it never occurred to me.

I just thought, well, when it’s the right timing, the Lord will send him along. As though he’s going to ride up on a white horse. So, if I wanted to go on that journey I would need to be willing to do a bunch of things which some of these things to some people sound fun. And many of them to many people sound terrible. I get it. But what I want you to do is work on your attitude around them.

Can you get to a place of I’m willing to do these things and I’m going to even try to enjoy doing them in the name of finding my spouse like meeting new people and actually talking to new people, and interacting with people? This is challenging for many of us to do. And it’s okay if that’s challenging. It’s okay if that’s not your favorite thing but are you willing to go and meet people and get to know people?

Are you willing to put yourself out there and be vulnerable and allow people to know you? Because that’s probably going to be necessary if you’re going to find someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. So, can you be willing to be uncomfortable? It’s okay if you’re awkward. It’s okay if you have social anxiety. It’s okay if you don’t love this process. Are you willing to do it anyway? Be willing to do it anyway.

Another part of the journey would probably have to be risking rejection. You know what? It might happen. You might meet someone that you like and they don’t like you back. And also, probably you’re going to meet people that like you that you don’t like back, at least not, when I say like, like in the romantic relationship kind of way. That will probably happen. But how awesome would it be to learn how to love yourself no matter what, to learn how to not make somebody else’s opinions of you mean anything about you but only mean something about their opinions.

And to be able to meet people and to kindly tell the truth about not wanting to pursue a relationship with them even though maybe they want to with you. All of these are really important connecting life skills. Are you willing to get better at them? It’s okay if you suck at them in the beginning. Are you willing to practice them and get better at them? Are you willing to learn how to be more curious about other people, to be a better conversationalist, to learn how to ask better questions, and to listen better, and to be interested in people?

That is a skill that a lot of people do not have. Listening, being genuinely interested, it’s okay if you don’t have that skill right now. You know how you’ll gain it? By going out and meeting people and trying it out, and being terrible at it at first. You’ll get better at it, I promise. And think how useful that will be your entire life. You’ll have to get good at loving other people. Go on a journey of getting good at loving people because did you know, everyone is lovable? Everyone is.

We were just talking about this, where was it? I think it was in my advanced certification coach training maybe. Anyway, we were talking about how once you really know someone’s story, it’s pretty tough not to love them. People that annoy us, that are difficult, or obnoxious, or whatever we label as annoying, or even people who are downright dishonest and doing things that we would all say are not okay. All of that bad behavior comes from hurt and pain.

And so, it doesn’t mean we would excuse bad behavior but people are so lovable when you learn more about them, when you learn their true story. So, if you meet someone and maybe you’re not attracted to them physically or you just don’t have any interest in a romantic relationship with them, that’s okay. Can you still get to know them well enough to have some compassion and some level of care and love for them? Because people are so lovable. I promise you this is true.

So that’s the third thing, is go on a journey of getting good at all of those skills that would be necessary to find your spouse because I promise you they’re useful skills to serve you for your entire life.

And that brings me to the fourth and final thing that I want to recommend that you do which is to create a very specific action plan of what I call an execution goal. Meaning something that you either do or don’t do. Do I find my spouse and get married this year? I don’t know. That’s not a 100% in my control because another person is involved in that decision. But I can create an execution goal that is a 100% in my control such as I will go on 100 dates this year.

If you want to get married give yourself a goal like that. I will go on 100 dates. I have spoken a little bit at young adult conferences and things. And whenever I make this recommendation I love the looks in these young adults’ eyes. Some of them are shocked. They’re all a little bit shocked, a 100 dates, what in the world, who would set a goal like that? It sounds like a lot. But some of them I can see this light in their eyes. I can see them light up, that is possible, even if it sounds really hard.

I’ve talked to young adults who say, “I live in this really rural area. There’s not a lot of people in general, let alone people my age, let alone people who share my same values and beliefs that I would want to date and possibly marry. How am I possibly going to go on a 100 dates?” And I say, “Yeah, that’s a really good question for your brain to go to work on.” If you just said, “I’m going on a 100 dates this year. How am I going to make that happen?” What does your brain do? It starts to go to work on ways.

It starts to brainstorm solutions. If you don’t shut it down with, well, I can’t, that’s too hard and it will never happen. If you just go, “No, there’s a way.” And notice how at this point we’ve sort of detached from the angle of finding a spouse. Of course, it would be cool if we found a spouse. But what if you don’t hold too tightly to that end goal, if you just let it be out there as if I go on a 100 dates this year, the odds of me finding my spouse go up significantly. And that’s a reason why I’m doing it.

But I’m going to do it as sort of an experiment because it will help me develop all of those things I just talked about in number three. It will take me on that journey of meeting people, getting to know people, listening to people, learning to love people, learning to love myself, learning to get my own back, how to handle rejection. If I go on a 100 dates, that’s probably all going to be part of the deal and I’m in. So, what would we do now? I mean get creative.

There’s so many ways to meet people, you guys. Off the top of my head, I would get onto all of the dating apps, I would. I would sign up on all of them. And I would be very clear about what I’m looking for and what I don’t want. But I would get onto all of them. I would put the word out. I would tell all the people I know, “Listen, set me up on dates because I need to go on a 100 dates. Even better, if you can set me up with someone you think I might be interested in. But just want to make sure that you know I want to go on dates so set me up.”

I don’t know. Can you go visit different wards or different institute classes or something? Can you go visit friends that live in different areas and tell them, “While I’m there, I need you to introduce me to 25 new people.” I don’t know. Figure out a way and tell yourself, I’m going on a 100 dates this year. What an awesome experiment that would be. It would be terrible and painful at times and it would probably be amazing and wonderful at times. And like I said, even if you didn’t meet your spouse in that 100 dates, just think what a different person you would be on the other side of that.

I promise you would not regret who you would become. So that’s the way, you guys. Anything that I’ve wanted in my life like this, I’ve had to go and make it happen for the most part I should say. And that’s not to say that the Lord doesn’t have a hand in it and that I’m not blessed. I believe that I’m blessed in all the things. I think everything I have is from the Lord.

But I think the Lord wants me to show up and do something. He’s like, “Listen, you want me to send you a spouse, I’d love to but could you help me out? Could you come out of your house for a minute because he or she can’t find you when you’re hiding in there.” He wants to help us but He gives us all the resources, and tools, and the ways, and then we have to do something with it. What are you going to do with it? I would love to hear from some of our listeners, especially young adults. Take me up on this 100 date challenge, and document it, and tell us how it goes.

Call me next year if you do it and I’ll bring you on the podcast. And I want you to share with me what that experience is like. And I want you to tell us what you learn and who you become. I think that would be amazing.

Alright everybody, I love you so much. Thanks for joining me today. I’ll see you next week on another episode. Take care. Bye.

Hey there, if you enjoy this podcast or even if you just find that it sort of piques your curiosity, or it makes you think, you’re going to love the book that I wrote. It’s called Better Than Happy: Connecting with Divinity Through Conscious Thinking. And it’s available now at Amazon in print or kindle version. Or if you want me to read it to you, head over to audible and grab the audio version. And why not grab a copy for your sister, your best friend, or your mom while you’re there too. Just saying.