315. How to Help and Control Them All

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 315: How to Help and Control Them All.

Did you know that you can live a life that’s even better than happy? My name is Jody Moore. I’m a master certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And if you’re willing to go with me I can show you how. Let’s go.

Hello everybody, welcome to the podcast. Today’s episode, I’m going to talk about a few different topics all based on questions that you guys sent in. Majority of the questions that I answer today all talk about how to either help the people outside of you or try to control the people outside of you. And I want to offer that the way that we sometimes try to help is by trying to control. And it’s natural for our brains to think that that’s the answer to our problems and that that’s what we should be focused on but it’s completely disempowering and it doesn’t even work.

So, I’m going to go through some of the questions that you sent me here and I’m going to be a little bit answering questions on the podcast. So, if you have a question you want help with you can send it in to Jody, Instagram, DM me, Jody Moore Coaching. And I will definitely not be able to get to all the questions but I’ll do as many as I can. And what I’ll do is try to pick a variety of topics so that even if your exact question doesn’t get read, you’ll probably find your answer in something else.

And of course, if you’re in Be Bold, you have a place to get an answer anytime. So Be Bold people, use that because you’re guaranteed an answer there.

Okay so here’s the thing, this question is a really good one. They’re all good questions but this one has to do with parenting, with helping our kids. And I’ll read it in just a minute. But I want to preface by saying that in this situation the mother who wrote this in has a daughter with a health diagnosis. This is going to be applicable, of course if you’re in that situation but also if you have a child who is just choosing to make decisions that you wish they weren’t, or we might say misbehaving, or getting in trouble, or whatever.

So, this is a great question because it will apply in a lot of situations. So, it says, “Hi Jody, question for your podcast. I’d love to hear more about your thoughts on when your child has a diagnosis. My daughter has hair-pulling disorder and striking a balance between awareness and acceptance. I’ve heard you talk about this and actually, trying to help them. I feel I have a responsibility to help her as her mother. But it gets confusing as to how I’m trying to help her to change my C, if that makes sense.”

Okay so, what she means by change my C is change my circumstance. So, one of the things that I teach you guys here on the podcast is that circumstances are never the problem. We think they are, but they’re really not. Our thinking is where we create problems and our thinking is what’s driving ultimately our result. And so, when it comes to parenting it’s really important that we understand that.

Because whatever’s going on for our child is a circumstance. It goes in the C line. And not that we don’t want to influence our children and teach them, and help them, and support them, we absolutely do. But what I don’t want is for you to wait for the circumstance to change before you feel how you want to feel. I want you to feel how you want to feel first. Because you will be much more effective at parenting, or holding accountable, or helping your child through a health diagnosis when you first clean up your own thoughts and feelings.

So sometimes as I’m coaching I’ll say, “Okay so it sounds like you’re trying to change the C.” And sometimes we can change the C, but sometimes we just can’t, or we can’t right away anyway. So that’s what this sweet mother is talking about. So let me answer your question. We want to choose how we’re going to feel. And you have to begin by understanding how you currently feel, what you’re currently thinking and currently feeling. So, when the doctor says, “Your daughter has hair-pulling disorder.” What do you think and what do you feel? What do you make it mean?

And here’s what I want to point out to you is a thought that I’m not sure is serving you. Maybe it is, I don’t have you here in front of me to check it. I would check it if you were here. But you can do the checking on your own, this is your thought, are you ready? I have a responsibility to help her as her mother. Doesn’t that sound like a great thought? It sounds very responsible, and motherly, and important, and true.

And even if you want it to be true, even if you want to keep the thought that you have a responsibility to help her as her mother, I’m wondering if that’s the one we want to have leading us in this situation. The way you know is you ask yourself how do I feel when I think it? If you feel great when you think it, then I’d keep it. But if you feel overwhelmed, a lot of heaviness, a lot of fear, a lot of confusion then it’s not going to be your best thought.

So, I’ve got news for you. Your job is to love her. And your daughter is meant to have trials and challenges, you know what we know one of them is? Hair-pulling disorder, she is. So, when we stop thinking, I have a responsibility to help her, is sort of your version of, it’s my job to fix this problem. And I am just saying, that might not be a useful way to think about it. How about, my job is just to love her and we will figure this out together, and we will get through it? And it’s okay that she has hair-pulling disorder, it’s going to be okay.

Our brains want to panic and think something is wrong. So, in answer to your question, how do I know if I’m helping her or if I’m trying to change my C? You know by how you feel. Put in the C line my daughter has hair-pulling disorder. And then can you get yourself to some level of whatever emotion you want to feel, it might be peace, it might be empowered, it might be confident, how do you get yourself to that feeling? You think about it in a way that drives that feeling.

So, I gave you a few thoughts to consider, but that’s how you know. It’s totally different to try to help your child because you’re trying to feel better, which we all do at times, so don’t feel bad if you’re doing it. But it’s way different than feeling better first and then showing up for your child. You know what the difference is? It doesn’t feel panicky. It doesn’t feel scary. It doesn’t feel confusing because you don’t have to worry that you’re going to get it wrong.

It’s just you offering to help because you love your child, because you want to, because that’s the mother you want to be. But let go of the idea that your job is to control the universe and save your children from all their problems. Unfortunately, that is not our job, or fortunately, I don’t know, however you want to think about it.

Alright, let’s take another one. It says, “I have a super outgoing, amazing, attractive husband. Sometimes I feel like married women may be flirting with him because he’s so easy to talk to. How do I change my mindset to realize that most of the time they are just being friendly and not actually trying to come onto him?”

Okay, well first of all, I have a super outgoing, amazing, attractive husband. I just want to point out to you, is your thought. I think it’s probably a great thought, probably makes you really love and appreciate your husband. But the fact that it’s a thought is important for you to know because maybe not. Again, it sounds like such a positive thought, but I feel like behind it is so I better be careful because every woman wants him. And that’s just your thought, I have a super outgoing, amazing, attractive husband.

I mean I’m glad you think about it in that way, but that doesn’t mean everyone thinks that about your husband. Second of all, I would not, if I were you, try to change my mindset to, they’re just being friendly, because we don’t know if that’s true. And your brain is smart enough to probably not buy that. No one’s trying to flirt with him, they are just being friendly. You know what? Might be true, some of the time some women might be trying to flirt with him, might be trying to come onto him. It’s a thing that happens in the world.

So, the question is, Okay what if that’s true at least some of the time, so what? What am I making that mean? What’s behind that? That’s what is really the problem. It’s your fear of losing him or him being unfaithful or something like that, it’s all the danger you’re creating in your mind, that’s the real problem. So, I like to shift my mind away from things that are outside of my control and into things that are within my control in a situation like this.

And other women flirting with my husband are not really in my control. Even what my husband ultimately chooses to do, whether he stays with me or he leaves me, or he cheats on me, or any of that, not in my control. You know what is within my control? Who I want to be. So, this is the way I settle down my brain. I’ll be like, yeah, I’ve got a super-hot husband, lucky me. And there’s probably some women flirting with him because he’s that awesome. And it’s okay.

I trust him. He comes home with me at night. Or even, this is going to probably be necessary for you, what if worst case scenario he left me, or he cheated on me? You know what? Then I would go through all the emotions that I would want to create for myself then. I would process the pain. I would move through it. I would grieve it. Maybe I would work with a coach or a therapist and that would be okay. But odds are that’s not going to happen, doesn’t look like right now that’s happening, so we can settle down, brain, we can relax, there’s no danger here. See what I’m saying?

So how we redirect to what we have control over? We have control over how we want to feel right now, about our husband, about our marriage, about ourselves. We have control over what we would do in the future if something turned out the way we didn’t want it to turn out. That’s what we have control over. We don’t have control over other women. We don’t even have control over our husbands. We don’t need to.

Here’s another question from the same person who has the super-hot husband. “My husband hates callings.” So, you have an outgoing, amazing, attractive husband who hates callings? Okay, got it. By the way, my husband hates callings is a thought. Just saying.

“He never wants to do them. And I feel like I’m always asking if there’s anything I can help him which I know can be annoying. He is the kindest person in the whole world. But for some reason is not interested in his ministering or Elders Quorum calling. He has never liked callings. What should I do? Just let him not do it, because that’s what’s been going on for the past four years of marriage.

You are all up in your husband’s business again, my friend. Listen, by the way, for those of you listening that are like, “What is a calling?” That’s just a volunteer job that we get asked to do at church. Here’s the truth. You know what you should do? I love your question. Should I just let him not do it? And I say, yes. Yeah, that’s the answer, just let him not do it. Do you know what? You can’t control him. He does not have to do his calling. He’s an adult man. He has agency.

He gets to choose whether or not he wants to show up and do his calling, and what that even looks like. 100% just let him not do it. What you’ve been doing for the last four years, do that forever. Now you’re also going to have to clean up your thoughts and judgement. You think that when people have callings that they should show up and do certain things. Maybe not. I mean, again, let’s shift away from things that you can’t control back to what you can control.

We can’t control whether or not husband does his calling, we can’t control any of the people outside of us but we can control ourselves. You can show up for your calling and you can choose whether you’re going to judge him or not. That’s it. That’s what’s within your control. It’s totally fine for him to not do his calling, that’s on him, that’s his business, that’s his journey.

Now, if I were you, I would keep offering help because that’s the kind of wife I want to be, but not until I clean up my judgement. Offer help if you want to because you love him. But don’t offer help because you’re trying to control him and you’re judging him. See what I’m saying?

“Q&A, I’ve had this question for a couple of months now.” Well, good, I’m glad we’re answering it. “I’ve loved the transformation I’ve gone through just by taking control and accountability of my thoughts and emotions. My question is how do I ‘hold the cage’ better for people who haven’t done the thought work and haven’t taken control of their emotions yet? I struggle with avoiding the words: ‘they don’t make you feel that way, you choose to feel that way’, when that’s probably not why they called to talk.”

I think what you’re saying here is that you struggle with not, you want to tell them that. And I’m so glad you brought this question because I’m putting final touches on the talk I’m going to be giving at the VIP event next week and we’re going to talk about this very thing. We’re going to talk about the phases that we go through of personal growth. I’m calling it the seasonal model of personal growth. And I’ll have to share it here on the podcast later.

But here’s what happens. We come along and we find the tools here. And we love what we learn and we feel so much relief, and freedom and peace because we learn to swap thoughts and we get a little bit of a handle on our brains. And that feels awesome. It feels empowering. And we feel the change. We feel the result that comes from choosing to focus on us instead of on others. And it’s natural then to want to offer that to other people, but it’s not necessary at all. It’s really not. And it doesn’t even work unless they’re really open to it.

And nothing wrong with saying, “Hey, would you like to hear about what I learned on a podcast about that?” I mean, you can, but usually people when they’re telling you their story and they’re complaining about things in their lives, they are not asking you to coach them. Do you know that I don’t do that with my friends and family? I don’t start coaching them at the table.

Imagine if a therapist did that, if they started doing therapy on everyone that called them their friends, and at Sunday dinner. That would be weird. It’s the same with coaching. You don’t need to offer that to them. What you need to do is take a look at why do you need them to understand it? Because what you’re doing is still delegating your emotions to them. You’re like, “You know what would make me feel a lot better? Is if you just understood that you’re the creator of your pain.”

I understood it. It was so awesome when I understood it, I want you to understand it. So, you’re still delegating your emotions to them. And I know because I have done this myself. I’ve been down that road. But what I learned is, wait a second, I’m just doing that thing again where I want other people to change so I can feel better. In this case it just happens to be couched under the description, I just want them to be happy. I just want them to get the relief and the peace that I have gotten. Sounds so lovely, doesn’t it? But it just doesn’t work. Again, it turns us into people trying to control others.

So, the alternative is, listen I want people to feel however they want to feel. And if they want to complain and blame other people, it’s totally fine, I get it. I still do it and I know this model very well. And I still do it. I’m still a human being, and they’re human beings. And then maybe they’re not ready. Maybe they don’t want to hear it. I could offer a little tidbit but if I don’t get a bite, that’s it, nothing. I am not going there. I’m not going to tell them that.

So, in answer to your question, the way that you hold the cage better for people who haven’t done the thought work. You don’t need to hold any cages. You just need to be a friend. You know what people want when they call to complain? A little bit of empathy. They just want you to go, “I’m so sorry, that sounds terrible.” You can do that, you can be happiness, you can bring peace and joy and lightness.

But don’t try to talk people out of their feelings. They don’t want that. Most people do not want that. When they do, have them come and get coached. Or say, “I do have some tools that really helped me, if you ever want to hear them, let me know.” And you can share it at the appropriate time. But you can’t coach people against their will. It just doesn’t work. They just resist it and fight back.

Okay, here we go. “Hey, don’t know if you’ve already stopped taking questions but I have one. Husbands and video games/games on phones, how can I change my thoughts around it?” Okay, listen, we can’t change your thoughts around it because you didn’t tell me what your current thoughts are around it. This is really important you guys. You have to take the time to figure out where you are. You have to diagnose and become not only just on a grand scale aware but really precisely aware of where you are. What you’re currently thinking, what are you making it mean?

Because when you say, “My husband plays video games and games on his phone. How do I change my thoughts about it?” Well, I can take some guesses as to what your current thoughts are about it. But odds are if we line 50 of us up in a line, if we all had that same circumstance we would have 50 different thoughts about it. I’m getting the idea that you don’t like it but why? I’m not saying you should like it, I just need to know why, what do you make it mean? Do you make it mean that he doesn’t respect you? Is it that he’s not helping out enough?

Is that he’s setting a bad example for your kids? Is it that he’s going to fry his brain? Is it that video games are full of violence and misogyny and that’s offensive? Is it a waste of time, he should be more productive? Is it he’s not paying enough attention to you and the kids? Is it that’s just a terrible habit and it’s addictive? See what I mean here? There’s so many different thoughts you might be thinking that would make you feel like we don’t want him to play video games. But my question is why, why not?

When you can uncover that then you take whatever’s the answer to that question and you hold it in your hands and you examine it. We have to examine thoughts. We don’t have to go, “You’re right, I shouldn’t think that.” No, you have good reason for whatever you’re thinking. I’m sure there’s an article somewhere that would backup whatever you have to say. And I’m sure you could find lots of other people that would validate your thought. You’re not crazy here but it doesn’t change the fact that your thought is still just a thought.

So, we take that little thought and we held it in our hands. And we put in the circumstance line my husband plays video games x numbers of hours on average per week, or per day, or whatever. And then we take a look at our thought about it and we go, “Now, that is just a thought. That’s fascinating.” And I get why I think it’s true but what if it’s not true? What if I’m wrong about this thought? What if this is not the only option that I could think? What if I don’t also have to go to the opposite?

Let’s say your thought is that’s a waste of time. Sometimes I tell people, “Hey, you know that video games are a waste of time, it’s just a thought?” And they’ll say, “Okay, but they think I’m telling them that they should go to it’s totally productive, it’s a great use of your time to play video games.” I’m like, “Really? Those are out only options?” What if we have hundreds upon hundreds of options we could come up with, of thoughts we could think when our husband’s playing video games? Because we do.

And you don’t have to go to the opposite if it’s not believable. You know how you find the right thought to think? You test it out. You ask yourself do I believe this at least on some level? And when I think it, do I feel more the way I want to feel? Do I feel more the way I want to feel that will help me show up as the kind of wife, and woman, and person I want to be in the world? Okay then that might be a good thought.

If you either don’t believe it or it doesn’t generate the feelings or actions that you want to have then it’s not the right thought. And the right thought for me might not be the right thought for you. I’ll tell you guys, I have some thoughts that I like that serve me really well that a lot of people are like, “I just can’t do that one. No, that’s a no.” Totally fine. I’m not trying to convince you to believe what I believe. I’m trying to show you that you get to believe anything you want.

But my recommendation is that you choose it consciously. You don’t just let your unconscious brain come along and choose it. So, what do you want to think when your husband plays video games. What do you want to think and how do you want to feel? You’re not going to be able to answer that or I should say, you might be able to answer it. But you won’t be able to believe the new thought if you don’t spend enough time with your current thought, holding it in your hand, taking a look at it.

Don’t try to talk yourself out of it right away. I like to hold them and for sometimes weeks I just keep sort of massaging it. I mean what it if it’s, we think it would be better if people were productive. But that’s just a thought, where did that even come from? What if that’s not true? What if he’s onto something here with just we should do things that are fun and entertaining and relax more?

What if this is actually an interesting, a reflection of male and female roles in general that men are better at allowing themselves to disconnect from their lives and just ‘play’? Whereas women think that they always have to have an end goal in mind. And maybe they’re right, maybe the men are right, that a little bit of play is actually really good for us. So again, I’m not saying you have to go all the way to not wanting your husband to play less video games and help out more. I mean you could keep it if you want to.

But we have to hold the thought and be willing to be wrong about it before we’re going to be able to find the one that we want to land on, the story we want to think. How do you want to feel about your husband when he’s playing video games? I’ll tell you how I feel about video games, I love them. It’s like what, they’re fun.

Okay, my question is, “The world has made it super okay and good to talk about depression and oppression and all of these hard things. Which I think is super great and no one has to struggle alone. But I feel like society shames us for being happy. It’s my choice to feel shame and this is my problem. I’ve been feeling like I want to live unapologetically happy. I need it on a t-shirt. That’s the phrase that came up for my feelings. But I want no shame for being happy, feeling joy, having fun, feeling blessed, having a healthy mind and body.

So how do I navigate this and let people see me happy without being a jerk? Now they choose to be offended. I just don’t care. And PS this is coming from a mom of five boys who has felt at times like she should run away, her family would be better off without her, who’s sat in her robe in the dark all day long.”

Okay, this is a fascinating question because I was actually just listening to Glennon Doyle’s podcast and she was talking about the subject of play. And she and her sister were talking about that she posted a video of herself in a really happy state dancing on her boat. And that they had more unfollowers on their Instagram page that day than any other day. Here’s kind of what she and her sister talked about that I thought was an interesting way to think about it. I’ll offer it to you today.

First of all, sometimes we have a hard time seeing people succeed and be happy. And that’s not about you and your happiness and success. It’s about us viewing you. That’s it. So, I had this happen too actually. I posted a picture of my wrinkly neck and I got more likes and comments on that than I think I’ve gotten on any other post on Instagram. So, when we see somebody struggle, or we see somebody’s imperfections, or we see their weaknesses, we see their faults, it feels safe to us to be more authentically us.

And when we see someone succeeding and happy it triggers in us the part of us that really wants that but doubts whether or not we’re going to be able to ever get it. That’s it. So, listen, it’s not about you, it’s about the people who have judgment or thoughts about you. And it’s okay that people have those judgments and thoughts, it really is. It’s just coming from their humanness. It’s coming from their own doubt and fear. It’s coming from not wanting to feel uncomfortable because jealousy feels uncomfortable.

So, they don’t want to feel uncomfortable so they say whatever they say, or they don’t follow you, or they don’t like your post or they whatever. They make little comments, whatever it is that happens, that’s about them, that’s not about you. That’s first of all.

Second of all, no one can shame you. Shame is not a verb. People can say things and people do sometimes say things terrible, mean, awful things that I wish people didn’t say. But shame comes from your own thought that something’s wrong with you, or that you should be different, or that you’re just not enough, or you’re just not worthy. It’s always coming from your own thoughts. People will offer you those thoughts sometimes. And I’m not suggesting that you should stick around and let them offer you all those thoughts.

It requires a lot of work to talk yourself out of those thoughts because as human beings we have a tendency towards shame. We have a natural built in like one of those apps on the iPhone that you can’t delete. We have that thought process in our minds that says something might be wrong with you. You’re just not as good as I think you could be. So, when people offer us that it triggers that within us. But you always have the ability to consciously choose to believe that that’s a lie because it is a lie kind of.

Here’s what I mean. The most peace comes from knowing that nothing is wrong with you. You’re a 100% worthy, and lovable, and complete just as you are. But also, you’re a hot mess and so am I. It doesn’t change my worth. It doesn’t change my value. It doesn’t make me less lovable. But I am half great and half mess. It’s all good. When we embrace all of that and we recognize that I’m feeling these feelings because it triggered thoughts in me. And I might choose not to hang out with that person, not to look at the comments on the thing, not to, whatever.

Totally, get away from people that are offering you those thoughts. I’m all for that. But no one can shame you, only you shame yourself. I want to offer you that truth because that is empowering to know and it gives you back the ability to choose how you want to think and feel. So totally be happy. In our society we’re not very good at seeing, especially women be happy.

We’re really good at seeing women criticize themselves and struggle. And when we see that what we’re simply responding to is that’s like me so maybe nothing’s wrong with me. If they’re struggling, and they’re unhappy, and I’m struggling and I’m unhappy, maybe we’re all okay. And sometimes when we see somebody succeeding and happy people think I’m not doing it right. It triggers their own shame my friends. And even if they think that’s about you, it’s never about you. So be happy because I do think we’re making progress.

I think there are actually many people out there who love to see someone succeed and love to see someone being happy. And you can focus on those people but also we can help to shift the culture in our society so that happiness, and confidence, and loving your body, and loving yourself, and succeeding, and also being okay when we don’t, what if that was our new norm? It’s going to take time to get there. Someone’s got to go first. So, lead the way and know that people mean well. They just don’t know any better.

Alright you guys, so I think that’s good for today. Thank you for joining me. We’ll have some more questions coming up soon. And like I said, you’re welcome to DM me, Jody Moore Coaching on Instagram or Facebook and I’ll talk to you next time. Take care.

Who is your life coach? If you don’t have one I would be so honored to be your coach. I created a virtual coaching program called Be Bold that I want to invite you to join me in. We can address challenges, we can work on goals, and we can do it in so many different ways.

We have group coaching, individual private coaching, and online chats along with hundreds of hours of courses and content that I’ve created just for you. When you’re ready to really take what you’re learning on the podcast to the 10x level, then come check out Be Bold at JodyMoore.com/membership.