366. Not My Business

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 366: Not My Business.

Did you know that you can live a life that’s even better than happy? My name is Jody Moore. I’m a master certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And if you’re willing to go with me I can show you how. Let’s go.

Hello everybody, happy middle of July. The day this episode airs we are five days, is that right, five days away from Impact 2.0 in Salt Lake City which I’m so excited for. So just a big thank you in advance to everyone that’s coming. We have an awesome sized crowd attending and just the most amazing speakers. I already love it. Do you know you can do that before something even happens, you can just decide that you love it and that it was amazing? And then you’re more likely create that result, I’m just saying.

For those of you who aren’t able to join us there but still want help with your business or even if you are joining us there but you want more help with your business, make sure you join our Facebook group. It’s totally free. And right now, through the summer I am giving out free business coaching for free on Facebook Live every week. We post in there when the live will be so you can mark your calendar to come, or you can listen to them later and learn after the fact.

But we’re doing so much good work in there so I’d hate for you to miss out on the free help with your business, Business Minded with Jody Moore. You can just search it up in Facebook or you can head to our website and you’ll find it there.

Okay, today we’re going to talk about this concept that I wanted to teach you because when I’m coaching a lot of times it’s a really empowering way to get a hold on your brain, to manage your mind we like to say. And by manage your mind I just mean at certain times around certain topics you’re going to want to tell your brain what you’re going to think and believe. You won’t be able to do it all the time. A lot of the time your brain is just going to operate on default. Then you don’t need to worry about managing it.

But a little bit of the time around certain areas, areas where you’re struggling or you want to get a different result in your life you’re going to need to access your prefrontal brain, your human brain in order to direct yourself in terms of what you want to think. And one of the ways again that I found is really helpful to do that is to offer my clients the thought, that is not my business. It’s none of my business. Now, we’ve all heard that thought before.

But I don’t know about you but usually when I hear it just in generally being used in the world it’s a way of criticizing someone or criticizing ourselves to say, “I know that’s none of my business or what are you doing? That’s none of your business. You should stay out of that.” It’s sort of used as a critique, you shouldn’t be meddling in other people’s business. And I would agree with that but I’m not talking about it in that way.

I’m talking about using it in a different way, not as a way to critique yourself or tell yourself that you’re doing something wrong but rather as a way to empower yourself, and like I said, redirect your brain towards what is useful that you want to be focused on. And away from what isn’t useful. So, I’m going to give you eight examples today of when that might be a useful thought to just offer yourself, this is not my business and set yourself free. So, let’s start with the first one, let’s start with the one again with the way that most people use it which is to be meddling in other people’s problems.

So even in that situation, even when you are thinking about what other people are up to and maybe their drama or their life decisions. And maybe you have thoughts about whether or not you agree with how they’re living their life. I would agree, that’s a time to remind yourself this is not my business. But not just because you should, not because it’s sort of judgmental and not very kind, and loving and generous, not the kind of person you probably want to be to judge other people’s lives but because it actually feels terrible to be in judgment and criticism.

I want you to think about this. Noticing what other people are doing wrong doesn’t feel good. Now, it’s tricky because part of your brain thinks it does feel good. Part of your brain thinks that it gives you permission to think that you must be doing a good job because you seem to be doing better than them. But I promise you that’s a false sense of the relief that you’re looking for. The worthiness, and love, and approval that you truly seek isn’t going to come from criticizing someone else. That’s a really cheap substitute for it.

So, if it’s coming from judgment or criticism or a desire to try to control or manipulate people around us, sometimes we do this with our family members, with our kids, our spouses, our parents, our in-laws etc. We’re like, “They shouldn’t be doing that. They shouldn’t be making those decisions, or they should be doing this thing.” It’s none of our business how other people live their lives especially other adults. So first of all, we want to put down the judgement and criticism because it feels bad.

Also, though some of you are taking on other people’s problems and your judgment and criticism or thoughts about their situation is coming from a desire to help them but it feels really heavy. It feels overwhelming. It feels like a lot. I coach a lot of you who want to help other people but as we explore it, you’ve tried and it’s not working. They’re not open to your help or they’re not responding to it, or certain things that you see that you wish would change are outside of your control completely.

And the things that you know to do to try to influence it haven’t worked. In which case I would tell you to offer your brain, listen, that is not my issue to solve. I heard Rob Bell in an audiobook he put out recently say it this way. “If it feels heavy it’s because you’re carrying something that isn’t yours.” That’s good. So, when I say it’s not my business, I don’t mean forget everybody, I don’t care about them. Don’t go to an extreme with it. Don’t go to a place of putting your hand up and burying our head in the sand. That’s not what I’m saying.

I’m just saying, this problem is not my problem to solve. Sometimes that’s too bad. Sometimes we wish it was our problem so solve because we have all the answers so we think. But there are many problems that are actually not ours to solve, not our business. So, when it comes to other people’s problems or challenges, what is our business? What is our role then? What is a useful thing to direct my brain to?

Well, first of all if you want to offer support, and love, and encouragement, or time, or money, or resources, or solutions, and the person or situation is open to that, then I’d love for you to dive in and help in any way you want to. But not because we need to change the situation in order to feel better, not because we’re taking on a problem that is not ours to solve. There’s a difference between offering support, and help, and resources, and taking on a problem in a way that weighs you down. So that’s number one, other people’s problems, not my business.

Number two. I’d looked this up because I use this quote all the time and I was like, “Who said this?” And according to one source on the internet that may or may not be accurate this was first said by Eleanor Roosevelt. And it is, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” It’s such a brilliant, brilliant thought. I say it all the time. I hope Eleanor Roosevelt really is the first one who said it. That’s so perfect. But at any rate what other people think of us is none of our business. Isn’t that a relief?

Doesn’t your brain think it is your business and not only is it your business but it’s really important business to get to the bottom of and to try to manipulate, and to try to figure out, and to correct if we think their perception isn’t accurate, or loving, or kind? But guess what? It’s not, it’s none of your business what people think of you. This is something that took me years to wrap my head around and I’ll tell you what helped me make the most progress is whenever someone would compliment me I used to get really happy about that.

And that’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with liking, enjoying a compliment. And I don’t mean complimenting me so much as telling me that my work really helped them or even back when I worked in corporate and I was a trainer and we would read through after we did all day workshops with a big group. My trainers and I would send out a survey and ask for feedback. And we loved to read through because the feedback was mostly positive and they’d say, “This was the best day, it helped me so much. You guys were so brilliant. I loved this workshop. Thanks for putting it together.”

And I noticed myself poring over those surveys because I knew they were going to mostly be positive because people always really loved our trainings. And one day I realized, okay, if I’m going to put a lot of weight into those positive comments and make them mean something about me then it goes without saying that when I get negative feedback, negative comments I’m going to make that mean something about me. If it means anything about me at all it has to mean something about me both ways.

And so, I haven’t cut myself off completely, I still like getting your messages when you tell me how my work has helped you. And it still is disappointing a little bit when I hear negative feedback. But I’ve definitely minimized the impact that it has on me because I just decided that what other people think of me is none of my business.

So, I stopped giving it so much airtime in my own head. And instead of poring over positive feedback to build myself up, I redirect my time and my energy to learning how to validate myself. How to believe that I am doing a good job and acknowledge when I’m not doing a good job. And appreciate myself anyway. And so, as I’ve redirected my focus away from what other people think because it’s none of my business towards what I think, oh my gosh, that’s what sets you free in the end.

So, what other people think of us is none of our business. You know what is our business? What we think of ourselves and what we think of other people. That was another thing I had to redirect my time, instead of spending all my time trying to figure out what they thought of me. I spent some time deciding on purpose what I want to think of them. I’ll just give another example from corporate since I mentioned my days there as a corporate trainer.

There was one employee, he was a manager who would come to my trainings and he would sit in the back of the room with his arms crossed and he didn’t say a whole lot. But when he did it was things like, “How do we know this is true? Who decided this? Do we have any research to back this up?” So, the kinds of questions he would ask made me think, he thinks I don’t know what I’m talking about. He doesn’t like what I’m teaching him. He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t really like me. That’s what I decided he thought of me.

Now when I moved away from that particular location of my job and was moving to a whole another city. That employee came to me and said, “I just want you to know that you’re in the right job because you are one of the most dynamic trainers and teachers I’ve ever seen. You’re so good in front of a group. You keep it engaging and you present the information in a clear way. And I’ve just loved learning from you.” And my head exploded a little bit. What I thought he thought of me was totally wrong. He’s just a different personality type than me.

He’s a questioner personality type according to Gretchen Rubin and people that create those kinds of assessments. He’s an internal processor and he likes data, and he likes to ask questions to better understand things. Turns out he wasn’t thinking about me at all at least not in the way my brain was making it mean. What I realized, the lesson I took from that, not only that people aren’t thinking about us as much as we think they are but the other lesson I took is I in my mind was actually critical of him.

In my mind I would say things like, “That guy has a bad attitude. He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t like me.” Which in parenthesis I don’t like him for not liking me. And I decided, listen, from now on, I’m not doing that. I’m going to choose how I want to think about, it’s really easy to think about the person in the front of the class smiling and raising their hand, and nodding their head along with everything I say in a positive way. Can I think positively about the guy in the back of the room with his arms crossed, who genuinely might be thinking this lady doesn’t know what she’s talking about?

When I can think positively about him at least be understanding and know that I’ve had that same attitude in other situations. That’s when I become powerful in my own life, what I think of me and what I think of them.

Alright, number three thing that is not my business is what other people fear. Here’s what I mean by that. Again, if I think I can help alleviate somebody’s fears and make a positive impact then I’m all in, I want to know. But otherwise, if I don’t have anything to offer the situation or I don’t think they want any help not being afraid, this is true sometimes. Sometimes people just sort of spin in story, it’s true. So, if they don’t want my help or I don’t have help to give, or I’m not going to be able to slip into fear with them then what they fear is none of my business.

So, I have some people in my life, friends and family things who like to watch a lot of news. They like to be really informed about what’s going on, totally fine for them. But sometimes they learn about things in the world that they are then afraid of. And I have just decided that what other people are worried about or afraid of is none of my business if it’s an area where I can’t contribute something useful because I don’t want to take on their fear. I don’t want their fearful thoughts. No, thank you. What you’re worried about, none of my business. Do you see what I’m saying?

Now, in today’s world we all think that it’s useful or helpful for some reason to spread our fearful thoughts. Hey, did you know about this thing? You might want to be afraid. And I just don’t think that that’s necessary to the extent that we’ve done it. I’m all for staying informed about anything you want to stay informed about. Let’s talk about in this area what is our business.

Again, what is my business is again any area where I can help. If somebody has fear and they don’t want to be in fear and I can easily stay out of fear and show them that possibility then yes I’m all in. That’s my business. If there’s something that we’re worried about that I think is preventable either for myself or another population that I want to help prevent problems then I’m all in. But did you know you don’t have to be afraid in order to be prepared? You don’t have to.

So, what other people fear is none of my business. This is why I don’t watch the news. This is why I don’t engage in long emotionally heated conversations about certain topics in the world. I just choose to opt out. I just decide it’s none of my business. It’s totally fine. I’m not judging anyone who is in fear or who’s fascinated by that stuff. There can be reasons that aren’t fear based for watching the news and all of that. I’m just saying, what other people are worried about, none of my business.

Alright, number four, it is not my business how and when I will achieve my goals. This one you guys is kind of lifechanging. When we go to set a goal, let’s just say it’s a goal in your business, a money goal, you want to make a certain amount of money then your brain will go, okay, but how? How are we going to do it? And even other people will ask you that too. They’ll say, “That’s a very ambitious goal, how are you going to do that little girl?” And what I say is, “I don’t know, it’s really none of my business.”

Isn’t that so freeing, you guys? You’re allowed to set a goal, a health goal, a money goal, whatever goal you want to set, a vacation goal, just a dream, this sounds like it will be fun to me goal. And you can have no idea how you’re going to get there and you can know that the how is none of your business. So, what is our business with our goals? What’s my business is that I nurture a positive relationship with that goal. I have fun when I think about it. I don’t be in a rush, I don’t be mad at it for not showing up soon enough.

And that I keep taking what I think is the next right step towards my goal. That is my business. It’s not my goal or my dream’s business to happen for me. It’s my job, my business to make it happen but it’s okay that I don’t know how. I can’t possibly know how until I achieve it. So, all I need to do is take what feels like the next right step, what’s the next thing I need to do. What do I need to be doing this year, this month, this week, today for my goal, if anything? And you need to take steps but all you need to know is the next step.

The next step is always really simple, it’s going to feel like it won’t make a difference. It’s going to feel small. It’s going to seem like it couldn’t possibly lead up to your big goal. It will if you just keep taking the next right step.

Number five, you know what else is not my business? What could go wrong or might go wrong in the future. The way I wrote it down is the way my kids talk. They say, “What might could go wrong.” Which is not proper English. What might go wrong in the future. Now, here’s what I mean. This is a little bit different than the one I talked about with what other people fear because by this one I mean sometimes we get in this spin of like, oh no, my child didn’t turn in his homework.

And maybe he lied and told me he did turn it in and it turns out he didn’t turn it in and I found out he’s lying to me. What if, and then our brain gets on the what if train. What if this is going to get worse? What if he’s lying to me about other things? What if he’s going to not graduate from school? What if he doesn’t pass this class and then he doesn’t graduate high school and then he can never get a job and he never moves out of my house and he’s depressed? And we’re angry, and we hate each other. And what if all of that happens?

See what I mean? What might could go wrong in the future. Maybe something different happened with your child. Maybe it’s something that you’re like, “No, this is serious.” Maybe you caught your child with drugs or whatever. Maybe your brain’s like, oh, no. Again, they’re going to become an addict, or they’re going to hate me, they’re going to leave the church and we’re going to become estranged and they’re never going to want to talk to me again. And they’re going to resent me for the rest of their lives and then I’m never going to see my grandkids.

You know how this goes. Okay that whole story is all just a story. What might go wrong in the future is none of my business. So, I don’t tell myself, that’s not going to happen. I tell myself, that might happen and that might not happen. And really it’s none of my business. What is my business in a situation like this? What is my business, who do I want to be today? What do I want to offer to whatever is going on today? And what emotions do I want to be driving me when I offer whatever I want to offer? Do I want to hold my child accountable to something? Okay.

Do I want to teach my child, have a discussion with them about drugs, and alcohol, or sexual relations, or anything else I feel like I want to talk to them about? Okay, do that. What emotions do you want driving you? I promise you, if you let fear, and panic, and anxiety, and stress, and disappointment and all of that drive you, it’s going to be a totally different presentation than if you’re driven by, listen, whatever happens in the future is none of my business. All I know is for today this is what we have going on.

And this feels like me being the mother, or wife, or sister, or daughter, or person, or whoever you are in the situation that I want to be. That’s what is your business. Who do you want to be today? But you don’t have to be freaked out, and panicked, and angry, and mad, and on the what if train. In fact, I’d highly recommend you get off it before you try to offer anything. Because what’s going to happen in the future, none of my business. If we’ve learned anything from the pandemic, we have no idea what’s going to happen in the future.

Let’s let it continue to surprise us. Let’s know that it’s going to be half amazing and half challenging no matter what we do.

Number six. Other people’s negative emotions are not my business. Again, not to say I don’t care what other people think and feel, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying, other people’s negative emotions are not mine to solve. If I think I can I’m in, if I want to. If there’s something I think I can contribute, something I could say, something I could offer that would alleviate someone’s pain and I’m willing to offer it from a clean place, not from people pleasing, great, let’s do that.

But I see so many people who take other people’s negative emotions and make them their problems. They create negative emotion about other people’s negative emotion and then we blame the other person for it. For example, we just did a coaching call today in Be Bold and a beautiful young woman was talking about her ex husband who says things like, “Your life is so much better than mine, it’s not fair.” And then she gets upset with her ex husband for saying that and for feeling that way.

In the end what I pointed out to her is that, “Listen, your ex-husband has some negative emotion, has some pain. If there’s anything you can and are willing to do to alleviate that, I’m in. But it doesn’t sound like, after a lot of discussion there is anything you can do or anything that you’re willing to do.” So that means his negative emotion is none of your business. It really isn’t. You can be empathetic and compassionate and say, “I’m so sorry that you’re struggling.”

Or at least in your mind think thoughts like I’m so sorry for him that he’s struggling. And not have to take it on and make it your business. Even if that ex-husband thinks you’re the cause of it, even if other people think that you’re causing their negative emotion my friends, it’s not your business. It’s okay for them. I hear this all the time. “Hey, I told my teenager that thing that you taught and now they’re really mad at me.” And I say, “Okay, what’s the problem?” The problem is that you think they shouldn’t be mad at you, but they want to be mad at you it seems like.

So, if you’ve offered whatever you can think to offer and they want to be mad then just let them be mad. It’s none of your business. They need to be mad right now it sounds like. See what I’m saying? Other people’s negative emotions, none of my business. What is my business again is who am I being? Do I want to be empathetic? Yes. Do I want to not get mad at them for getting mad at me? Yes. The best way to do that by the way is find the truth in what they’re saying, just a little bit of truth. You don’t have to agree with everything they’re saying.

But there’s a little bit of truth in it. Maybe you did cross the line. Maybe you were trying to talk them out of something and they didn’t want to be talked out of it. Or maybe if you had stayed married to him his life would be better. We can see the truth in it. Does that mean you should have stayed married? Of course, not? Does that mean that you’re not going to make a mistake again? No, it doesn’t. But there is a little bit of truth probably in what they’re saying.

And that for me when I find the truth in it, whether I need to say that to the other person or not, that’s when I let go of trying to control their negative emotions.

Okay, number seven thing that is not my business is my spouse’s relationship with my kids. This is a tough one. Because it feels like that is my business, because he’s my husband and those are my kids. And so, whether or not they’re getting along or the way he parents them, or the way he talks to them, that feels like it should be my business. But it’s so freeing to me to remember it’s not my business. Now, again, this doesn’t mean that if I have a spouse who I think is harming my kids in some way that I wouldn’t intervene. I would, absolutely.

But I’m just talking about maybe they don’t get along. Maybe I have a spouse and one of my kids or multiple kids who argue a lot or maybe I don’t like the way my spouse, maybe I think that he’s too strict with them, or maybe I think that my kids are disrespectful, or something like that towards him. Guess what? It’s actually not mine to solve. Their relationship is between them. They’re going to have a relationship and it’s not mine to own or dictate what it should look like.

So, unless I think there’s a boundary violation that I need to intervene with then I like to remember it’s not my business. It’s their business. You know what is my business? My relationship with my spouse and my relationship with my kids. And as long as I’m judging either or both of them for doing it wrong I’m out of my business. And I’m not managing my relationship with them. I’m in judgment of them.

The eighth and final thing building on the family dynamic that is not my business is my kid’s problems, choices, relationships, futures etc., in other words, my kids’ lives are really not my business. Now, again, I know your head’s like, “What? What are you talking about, those are my kids? Course it’s my business.” It’s not my business to the extent that my brain likes to think it is.

The choices they make, how they’re going to live their lives, whether or not they’re going to embrace the things that I’ve taught them, whether or not they’re going to make good decisions, whether or not they’re going to choose friendships or romantic relationships that I like. Not my business. It’s not mine to own. It’s not mine to manipulate or control. It’s really not and I know this sounds disappointing to some of you but I want to suggest that it actually can completely set you free to have the healthiest relationships with your kids.

Because do you know what is our business? Who do I want to be in relationship to my kids? And that’s going to change depending on their age. With my six year old daughter if she wants to swim in the deep end of the pool without a lifejacket I’m not going to stand by and allow that because she’s not a strong enough swimmer yet. I’m going to say, “I’m sorry sweetie, you can’t swim in the deep end unless you put a lifejacket on.” That’s who I want to be. But as she gets older there are going to be fewer things like that where I feel it’s me at my best overriding her choices.

There are going to be more decisions I’ve got to let her make and fewer that are mine to own. And so how my kids turn out, not my business. Whether or not they choose to learn lessons the way I’ve taught them, just by listening to mom reading the book or listening to the podcast I want them to listen to, or they choose to learn it the hard way. Not really my business. Now, again, I can try to influence them. I can offer what I want to offer but I need to remember this is not mine to own even with our kids, you guys.

It’s ultimately not ours to own, it’s theirs, it’s their life, it’s their agency, it’s their choices, it’s their experiences. They need to go through all kinds of experiences in order to learn what they’re here to learn. Not my business. Isn’t that kind of a relief? The only thing that is my business is who do I want to be? How do I want to show love? How do I want to show support? How do I give myself the self-care and compassion that I need to navigate it as I watch them make choices that concern me? That’s what is my business. Are you with me?

Alright my friends, listen, keep your brain focused on what is your business because that’s what you have control over. And that’s where you will find the relief that you’re trying to find as well as the ability to make as positive as an impact as possible on the world and the people around you. We can do this. If you want help I can help you. Come and let me help you. Check out all of the free resources we have at jodymoore.com. Alright, thanks for joining me today. I love you guys so much. I’ll see you soon, bye.

Hey there, if you enjoy this podcast or even if you just find that it sort of piques your curiosity, or it makes you think, you’re going to love the book that I wrote. It’s called Better Than Happy: Connecting with Divinity Through Conscious Thinking. And it’s available now at Amazon in print or kindle version. Or if you want me to read it to you, head over to audible and grab the audio version. And why not grab a copy for your sister, your best friend, or your mom while you’re there too. Just saying.