340. Trust

I’m Jody Moore and this is Better Than Happy, episode 340: Trust.

Did you know that you can live a life that’s even better than happy? My name is Jody Moore. I’m a master certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And if you’re willing to go with me I can show you how. Let’s go.

Hey, everyone, so glad that you’re here today. Welcome to the podcast. I just want to make sure and mention before we get rolling that next Monday, so depending on when you’re listening to this episode but a couple of days from when this episode comes out, we will be diving into Train Your Brain. And if you haven’t registered yet, get in there because you’re not going to want to miss it. It is an intense five day deep dive into your head.

And I think what you’re going to find is that each day, if you come and listen or at least listen at some point, you can listen later on replay format if you can’t be there live. We go from 9:00 to 10:30 Pacific Time each day Monday through Friday. But if you expose your brain to that for five days in a row you’re going to feel the lift that happens within you. I promise you, you will. And I want you to just have that experience.

I want you to just see the different feeling that you will have and the different way you will start viewing both yourself and the world just from five days of exposing yourself to coaching. So I’m going to be teaching a little bit each day and then you’re going to have the opportunity to come on if you want to get coached yourself, or you don’t have to if you’re really shy and private, that’s totally fine. You will get the same experience by listening to others. You’ll also have an option to type in some questions so we can do some communication that way if you’re more comfortable with that.

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Okay, so today I’m going to be talking to you about the topic of trust. It’s come up several times lately and I’ve been wanting to do a podcast on it for a while, where people have said to me, “How do I trust this person? How do I trust my teenager after they’ve been lying to me? How do I trust my spouse again after my spouse was unfaithful? How do I trust this person?”

So trust is something that comes up in a lot of areas. We want to trust in the idea that everything will work out in the end. So we have trust that we try to operate from when it comes to the world, we want to trust ourselves. So those are topics that I’m going to reserve for another day. Today I’m going to focus specifically on the trust that people come to me saying they’re wanting to have in their relationship with someone else, whether it be a child, a spouse, a boss, another person in your life.

So I want to begin by diving into this question, what is trust even? We’ve got to begin there. Before we get to how to trust, what does it even mean to trust someone? So I kind of played with this in my own head and I was trying to decide, is trust a thought or is it a feeling? And I think it could go either way because I think for me anyway there’s sort of a sensation I would describe that I might label trust. But for purposes of today I’m going to describe it as more of a thought.

I’m going to put it in the thought line. And I’m going to say that it is a series of beliefs or sentences that we have about a person that then create a very peaceful, reassuring, calming feeling. When I looked up trust, online to see what the traditional dictionary or what have you would describe it as they kept referring to it as a belief, other than the fiduciary type of trust. We’re not talking about that kind of trust today. But the kind we’re talking about here, they always use the word ‘belief’. So I’m going to call it thoughts. We’re going to put it in the thought line.

A belief is just a series of thoughts that you keep on thinking. That’s all a belief is. So what are the thoughts? What are the thoughts, or sentences, or beliefs that cause us to say that we trust someone? Here’s what I think. I think it is simply the thought, he’s going to do what he said he was going to do. Or she means what she’s saying. I think that trust at its most basic is just us choosing to believe that what we are experiencing of that person.

In other words what they are saying, or how they were showing up, or who they are being is as much as possible a true representation of what’s happening internally for them. That what they tell us and the way they represent is an accurate reflection of what they truly intend, or think, or feel. And I keep saying as much as possible because I’m curious if any of us are a 100% trustworthy in this way. I don’t think we are. I don’t think any of us say exactly what’s happening in our minds, not all of it anyway.

We edit it a little bit. We keep certain parts to ourselves as we should, that’s a totally normal healthy way to behave. But we want to know that to a certain extent the way that person is representing to us is a true reflection of what’s happening internally.

So in other words, if my husband tells me, “Yes, I will pick up milk from the grocery store.” I want to believe that he fully intends, and therefore most likely will pick up milk from the grocery store. I always know it’s not a guarantee because he might forget. But if he forgets we don’t say, “I don’t trust him”, in most cases. What we say is, “He’s not reliable”, maybe. But he intended to, that’s not usually a trust violation. It’s just a knowing that he doesn’t have a very good memory or a very good system for writing things down and keeping track of doing what he said he was going to do.

Whereas if he tells me that he’s going to do something and he knows full well internally that he’s not going to, that he has no intention, we would typically classify that as a violation of trust. So I think it’s just a decision that we make to choose to believe that the way that person is representing is a fairly accurate reflection of what’s true for them internally. Yeah, does that sound like a fair definition?

Okay, so when we choose to believe that then we get to feel a confidence, again, a peace, a reassurance. And this is the reason I think that most of us want to trust others is because we want that calm feeling. But also what it does is it allows us to redirect our brains to a totally different topic.

If I ask my assistant to book some travel for me then I want to trust, when she says yes, I will totally be able to and I will be able to have it done by Friday. I want to trust that that is what she genuinely intends to have happen and that she’s going to have systems in place to make it happen. Because then I don’t have to think about booking my travel anymore. Not only do I not have to go spend the time doing it but I don’t have to keep thinking, I haven’t booked my travel yet for that trip. I’ve got to get online and take care of that. I can redirect my brain to something else.

So I think it’s a combination of those two things that we’re looking for. If I have a spouse who’s been unfaithful, what I’m wanting is to believe him or her when they say, “I choose to be faithful to you. I am not going to violate our marriage in that way again.” I want to not have to wonder when he leaves the house where he’s going or who he’s talking to on the phone, or whatever other things we might wonder about in that situation. I want to be able to redirect my brain to a different topic.

So I think it’s a combination of the feeling we’re trying to have, that peaceful, reassuring feeling but also to be able to not have to spin in our heads, which is what we do when we don’t trust somebody. We worry. We wonder. Sometimes we go to great lengths. Sometimes we even spend not just our brain power but we might spend resources, time, money, energy, etc. trying to figure out what’s really true. Because we have this desire within us to know what’s true for some reason.

So if that’s what trust is then I want to ask next, what is it that makes us trust someone? Now, most people think that what causes us to trust someone else is the other person. We think that if they prove to us, or they haven’t at least proven otherwise, if they have a history of doing what they say they’re going to do and being honest. And again, if their outward reflection tends to in the past be a true reflection of what’s happening internally then we say they are trustworthy, we think it’s that other person.

Now, I will say that of course if that’s the case it makes it much easier for us to believe that they’re going to do what they said they’re going to do, they mean what they’re saying. But it’s still our decision to believe that story that causes us to feel trust, it is not their behavior. Because if it were them then there would be a much more direct correlation as to when we are right about how the person is representing versus what’s true and what happens in the end in reality, what’s really going on for them.

But there is not always a correlation because sometimes we are wrong and yet we sometimes still trust people. So I want you to try this on for a little bit of a brain explosion. The better someone is at lying the more we trust them. What? Okay, now, again, it’s still not because they’re good at lying. It’s still not the other person causing me to believe but it’s true. If somebody tends to represent well on the outside and what they’re representing is an accurate reflection of what’s happening internally then I might find it easy to trust them.

But also if they are really, really good at lying or they are good at acting in some way then I might also just trust them. And yet they might just be totally lying. We see this over and over again in the world. Think about Bernie Madoff. So many people trusted him, not only just with their internal thoughts and feelings but they gave their money to him. He was so good at lying that tons of people trusted him, not just in word but in actions. And he was lying.

So I just want you to know because again I want you to keep the authority over your experience, over what you’re believing and what you’re feeling. Other people lying doesn’t cause you to mistrust them, your thoughts cause you to mistrust them.

Now, the next piece of this is, I want to back up for just a minute now that we’ve defined what trust is, what causes us to feel it, that we are the ones in control always. I want to put this question out there because when people come to me and say, “How do I trust my teenager who lies? How do I trust my husband who’s been unfaithful? How do I trust again?” I like to ask, “Is it necessary? Do you want to trust them? Are you sure you want to trust them?” And if they say yes then I like to just ask, “Why?” Nothing wrong with it, you can, maybe it is a good thing to want to trust them but maybe not.

Let’s just not go into it assuming that because on the surface level when we describe relationships we would say it’s ideal to be able to trust each other. I would agree that it is ideal but I don’t think it’s necessary. I don’t even think it’s useful in all situations. So if I have a teenager who has a pattern of lying and getting caught, that’s an important component because if they’re really good liars I may still trust them. But let’s say they’re not great liars. Let’s say they get caught lying and now I know that what they say is often not what’s true internally for them.

And people say to me, “How do I trust my teenager?” I say, “Why do you want to trust them? Why do you want to believe that what they’re saying is an accurate representation of what they mean? Because they’ve proven to you time and time again that that’s not the case.” So maybe we want to not trust them. Maybe we want to go into it knowing that possibly at least what they’re saying isn’t true for them.

Now, I feel like there’s so many assumptions behind this topic of trust that I just want to call up and put questions out there for you. Because if I choose not to trust my teenager does that mean I have to be angry, and resentful, and suspicious, and worried? I mean I don’t think so but it’s an interesting question. Does it mean that I have to be manipulative, and controlling, and over-parent them? I don’t think so either. I think you have choices here. But to tell yourself that what you want is just a belief that they’re telling you the truth is sort of an oversimplified solution to a much more complex problem.

What we want is to know that they may not be telling us the truth and then decide from there, who do I want to be? How do I want to live my life? How do I want to feel about this teenager, this child of mine? Do I want to run around trying to control them? I mean probably not, it usually doesn’t work. But I also don’t want to be shocked and surprised every time I learn that what they said wasn’t true. I want to be prepared for it. I want to, yes, protect them when I can, if I can. But I don’t want to turn into a crazy person. I don’t want to be resentful and angry.

I just want to notice that sometimes what they say is even the exact opposite of what’s really true inside for them. So now what? This is true in your marriage too, you guys, people say, “How do I trust my spouse? There’s been infidelity. He’s telling me it’s never going to happen again, or she’s telling me it’s never going to happen again. And I want to believe them but how do I?” And I say, “Okay, you can believe them.” I’m not telling you, you shouldn’t trust people, please don’t get me wrong, you totally can. But also you could know that that might be true and that might not be true.

And that right now it seems like they’re up to living the way that you would want them to live and be loyal to you in the way that you want them to be loyal to you. And that we’re just going to enjoy that as long as possible and maybe that will be forever and we hope so. And if not, then we’ll deal with that when it happens. Do you see what I mean?

But you don’t have to go into it completely going, “Okay, I trust him. It’s never going to happen again.” And tight fisting it and crossing your fingers. Because I feel when we do that we sort of set ourselves up for potential disaster if it does. But I like to go into it knowing maybe it’s not going to happen again and maybe it will. And again I’m not saying you have to stay in this marriage. You should stay in a marriage knowing that it might happen again. This is even true if there hasn’t been infidelity.

I like to know that I choose not to spend my head space worrying and wondering what my husband’s up to. So we might call that trust. But I also know that who knows what’s real? I could be super surprised one day. Or he might become a different version of him one day. I don’t know. I just choose not to spend a lot of head space thinking about that because as far as I know what he’s saying is a true representation of what’s happening internally. But he’s a dynamic person and I could be wrong.

And if that happens then I will have a challenge I’ll need to figure out how to navigate. I’ll have to figure out how to process my own emotions about that and make decisions and all of that. But right now that’s not the case as far as I know. And so I’m just going to choose what we might call trust. But we could be wrong. So here’s the thing, you guys, you get to choose what you want to do. I’m not trying to tell you what you should do or what you should think about this person in your life who maybe has proven in the past that they don’t always tell the truth, or maybe they often don’t tell the truth.

You’re going to get to decide that. You’re going to have to decide that. But what I will say is to just simply say, “I want to trust them”, is something I would unwind and question. Do you really want to? Is it going to serve you to? Or are you actually setting yourself up for potential harm and danger by choosing that? So I don’t think you should give a lot of money to someone that you don’t think is going to take good care of that money, whatever it is that you expect of that money.

I don’t think that you should put yourself, or your children, or anyone in harm’s way if they’ve proven that they are not good stewards of you, or your children, or your property, or anything else. I think that you should decide, I don’t trust that person because often they tell me, or at least in the past they’ve told me they’re going to take care of these things but in the end they don’t. So I think I should not trust that person.

And not trusting someone doesn’t mean you have to be angry, resentful or even judgmental. It just means that you keep the awareness that they have a pattern of not being honest. The other option is that you are allowed to make a choice to just trust someone. And there are many instances in which I recommend that. You can just choose to believe that what they’re saying is a true representation of what’s going on internally for them. You’re allowed to believe that.

You don’t have to have any proof. You don’t have to revisit it over and over again. You don’t have to check up on it if you don’t want to. You can just choose to believe that. And I’ll tell you, most of us live our lives this way.

Every time we get in the car to drive somewhere we choose to trust that most of the other drivers on the road mean well, that when they get in the car and agree that they’re going to follow the traffic laws and that they’re going to be cautious, that that’s what people mean and that’s their intention. If we didn’t trust that we would never get in our car and go anywhere.

Every time I travel somewhere and I give my suitcase to the person at the airport behind the ticket counter, I trust that they’re going to put it where it needs to go and then it’s going to get on the plane. And then it’s going to get put on the luggage carrier afterwards. And I’m going to pick it up at baggage claim, and that some other random person isn’t going to come and take it before I get it. I trust so many people I have never even met. I have no reason to trust any of them. I don’t know them. I don’t know their history.

Some of them might be very, what we would say is ‘untrustworthy’. And yet I just choose to trust it because it helps me live my life the way I want to. I want to be able to travel and I want to be able to check my bag. That’s it. Those are just a couple examples that come to my mind. But there are literally millions of them where we just choose trust because we want to feel peaceful in the world. And we don’t want to have to spend our resources, which would be our head space, our time, our money, thinking about it, checking up on it, wondering, worrying. That’s it. It’s just a choice.

And you’re allowed to make the choice. And if you want to make the choice but you’re not able to, don’t beat yourself up. Don’t feel bad about it. Just know that your brain has a really good reason for believing that what you’re seeing or hearing isn’t a true representation of what’s real internally for someone. That is true in many cases, you guys, and it’s totally fine. So don’t put trust on a pedestal as a requirement or even as the best way to live in all cases. It’s not necessarily.

It’s smart to sometimes not trust that what you’re hearing is true. Make decisions accordingly. Alright, if you do want to trust though, like I said, be patient, give yourself time but try on the idea that you’re simply not going to waste your brain worrying about it because if there’s a problem at that point when it arises you will deal with it. But until then worrying about it isn’t preventing the problem.

I would encourage you, if you’ve been in a situation where someone has violated your trust, someone in a relationship that is important and close in your life, that you get some help doing this. You need some help working through this process. And I love coaching for that. So come into Be Bold and let us help you there or find a private coach. If you go to jodymoore.com on the homepage at the very bottom there’s a directory of coaches that have certified and that have been through advanced training with me, if you want private one-on-one coaching.

And get some help because it can be a process. You have to be really compassionate with yourself along the way but I know that we can help you to get there.

Alright, thanks for joining me today, you guys, have a great rest of your week and I’ll see you next time, bye bye.

Hey there, if you enjoy this podcast or even if you just find that it sort of piques your curiosity, or it makes you think, you’re going to love the book that I wrote. It’s called Better Than Happy: Connecting with Divinity Through Conscious Thinking. And it’s available now at Amazon in print or kindle version. Or if you want me to read it to you, head over to audible and grab the audio version. And why not grab a copy for your sister, your best friend, or your mom while you’re there too. Just saying.